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Taming the Mind

9 years ago1,251 words

"Wherever you go, you are there". Regardless of what you do or don't have in the world, you always have your thoughts, and those thoughts can mean the difference between heavenly contentment and hellish dissatisfaction. Happiness isn't about what you have; it's about how you think. The mind is like a beast within, and if you don't make efforts to control it - to tame it - then it will control you. Or so I've heard. But I wonder...

I'm starting this blog to write about my own pursuit of happiness and an understanding of the mind, consciousness, creativity, relationships and the like. I'm prone to intense contemplation and spend most of my time alone with my thoughts, many of which are negative, though I'm also creative and interested in self-development, in improving myself and reaching my potential. So I'd like to use this place to channel those thoughts in a productive way, to challenge them and grow as a result.

Since this blog is very much going to be a story of me as a person, I may as well start by writing a bit about myself.

I grew up in England, but moved with my parents to Australia when I was about 13... then again to Wales after school ended. Both times I lost all my peers, and was alone in the world. As fate would have it, I'd developed severe anxiety issues during my final year in Australia, and became afraid of leaving the house. As a teenager, I taught myself how to develop games - I'd do all the writing, music, art, programming, everything - and I released some of these online which were played by millions of people. I gained a fan following, and so it seemed sensible to continue with this, especially since it meant I didn't have to leave the house and face the scary world.

I spent years in a cocoon, weaving fantasies, cut off from the world. I lacked meaningful in-person relationships with people I could visit or talk to or hug, but I had to manage a difficult online community that had arisen around my games. Life, for years, was an empty, frustrating hell, and I had no hope for the future.

I learned during these years that my position wasn't too unusual. Anxiety, depression, and the social isolation that arise from them ruin many lives, and even those who don't suffer as such still live life in a state of almost constant simmering dissatisfaction.

An industry of self-help books exists to calm this epidemic of stress and ennui, and I tried reading many books and websites about this in the hope they'd save me... I found they were always written by people who already seemed happy, though, or at least fortunate; often middle aged men with PhDs, wives, wealth, children, friends. Of course they were happy, I thought; I would be too in their situation! Their books talked of altering your thoughts to become happy, but I just scoffed at the idea because it didn't seem that thoughts alone were the reason for their contentment.

However, at the start of 2015, I underwent a sudden 'spiritual transformation' that altered my perception of the world. My problems disappeared, my mind cleared, and I spent months in a state of peaceful bliss. The world was more vivid, more alive; my past self seemed a stranger, my problems insignificant. I felt I'd found the answer I was looking for; I felt I properly understood the world for the first time in my life.

This was triggered by encountering a book by a 'spiritual teacher' who spoke of how he had a sudden enlightening experience of his own, and how he spent years in a state of bliss despite having nothing in the 'realm of forms'. He lived on a park bench, had no social relationships to speak of, but still was happy. This resonated with me much more than the words of those who were already rich in all the ways I thought mattered. If this person with nothing could be happy, then I - also with nothing - could be happy too.

Since the games development thing seemed a relatively 'meaningless' way to spend my life - and it was getting increasingly difficult to stay motivated anyway - I decided to redirect my life towards studying psychology. While it was spirituality that moved me, I've always been scientifically-minded, and would have been unable to thrive in a sphere that eschews critical thinking. I wanted to help others, and I wanted to understand the mind, consciousness, who I am, etc, and this seemed the best way to do it.

I came to university, and in doing so escaped my isolation. Though I didn't become a social butterfly, I made two wonderful friends - after having none for years - who I adore, though new mental challenges arose from this. I tried to cling to the spiritual discoveries I'd made, without success; once more I was consumed by negative thinking on a daily basis.

As I learned more about scientific psychology, doubts about the veracity of the spiritual masters' insights began to arise. Are we all manifestations of one eternal consciousness, living a dream, playing a game? Or are we mere matter, dancing mechanically; biological automata that evaporate into oblivion upon our demise?

I feel both sides have interesting things to say, but that many favour one strongly and reject the other incredulously... I'd like to find a balance.

Anyway. I'm starting this blog for several reasons.

One is to challenge my own mind. Emerging from a long period of darkness has left me scarred and bizarre. I have a long list of ridiculous fears that hold me back - I'm too scared to use Facebook or to meet my friends' partners, to give some odd examples - but I'm aware they're irrational. By writing out my natural thoughts here and then doing research about how to overcome them, writing about what I've learned, I can grow beyond my limitations. Perhaps others might be helped by what I say too.

I'm also interested in recording my thoughts about both spirituality and psychology. Writing about both here will allow me to develop my understanding and ideas further.

It'll also be a sort of diary about my personal feelings. There's a lot I'm only just now learning about the world, and writing out such things is cathartic. I also feel that there's narrative pleasure in this; I love reading other people's diaries in the same way that I enjoy stories in general. And I enjoy writing out my own story in the same way that I enjoy creating in general.

So yes. I've got a long list of posts I want to write, though I've yet to get around to them because I knew I needed to write this initial one. I was going to illustrate each post too, since I draw, but it was taking too long, so I'll not bother with that just yet.

While websites I've made in the past were built in the hope of developing a community, this one's very much for me. Writing it will help me a lot, in many ways. If others can get something out of it, that's a bonus, but it's not my aim.

So yes. That's a bit about me and why I'm writing this thing. Chances are everyone who'll see this post already know it all already, but I felt the need to write it anyway!