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A Glimpse of Oblivion

9 years ago1,957 words

I seriously thought about suicide yesterday. It wasn't just a desire to not be alive; I get that all the time. This was something more potent... My mind shifted into a novel state of dark calm where the idea of ending it all seemed realistic and reasonable; my vision literally seemed to fade half black and all hope disappeared from my heart. I'm feeling better now, but it led to a lot of reflection about the state of my mind and life, and the factors that push people towards this most extreme of solutions to personal problems.

I wouldn't see myself as the sort of person who'd regularly threaten to off myself as a cry for help or anything like that. I certainly never used to think about any of this as a teenager, and it's only in recent years that the idea has seemed even remotely appealing - rather than just terrifying - to me.

I recently read some psychological research (I'd link to it, but it's behind a pay gate for non-students) about the factors that drive people to take their own lives, based on the analysis of suicide notes and the like. Two factors stood out amongst those who succeeded with their suicide attempts: a strong focus on the self, and unrealistically high expectations of the world.

The focus on the self was apparent from the abundant use of "I" statements, reflecting a predilection for aiming the spotlight of attention on the inner world, often critically. I do this, because I'm so often alone; it's difficult to focus on other people when there aren't any. Or even on external distractions when you spend so much of your time stuck in your head. I've been called self-absorbed and even narcissistic in the past, and it's true; much of my attention is devoted to introspection. I always used to think that this was one of my strengths... but I see now that it's poisonous.

We all have expectations of the world, but for those who chose to leave it, these expectations were especially specific, idealistic. This applies to me, strongly, and the biggest reason I ever think about ceasing to live is because I think of all the things I want from the world and how pointless it'd be to live if I never find them. Mostly it's one thing, a loving partner who I deeply relate to, who I can devote myself to... But the older I get, the less likely it seems that I'll ever find such a thing.

In my mind I list all of the things that I don't have... All the milestones society expects me to have met by this point in my life, which I haven't. I should have a partner, a career, a house, friends, a purpose... I don't have any of those. I have two friends, I've never had a proper job, I've gone five years without love, and I've yet to properly move out of home. I'm a failure in the eyes of the world.

I came up with an analogy, as I lay on my bed sinking into darkness... It felt like one of those strategy games, the ones where you build a base and army to face another army. But your opponent's army grows steadily while yours never really gets off the ground; you don't spend the time building bases, training soldiers, or the few you do have end up dying off. You find yourself fighting a legion with one soldier... At that point, defeat is a foregone conclusion; quitting is just a formality.

Facing life with too few resources seems hopeless. It's easier to just quit while I'm ahead.

Or so my mind said, as I lay on my bed... I realise now that it's not like that, but when you're in that emotional state, you don't exactly think reasonably.

I experienced bliss last year from spirituality, largely because it helped me see that you could only truly be happy by taming your own mind... Nothing in the external world would ever bring true and lasting happiness. Instead, you must clear the dark clouds within; scrape the accumulated dirt off your glasses to see the world in a purer, more pleasant way. I 'understand' this... But my mind's such a tangled knot at the moment that I can't muster up the energy to break free.

Satisfaction With Life

As part of my university psychology course, I have to learn about positive psychology, the things that make us happy and satisfied with life. ∞ I wrote a rambling, disjointed post about bits of this the other day. ∞

Today, I was reading about something called the ∞ Satisfaction With Life Scale ∞. It's a short questionnaire which aims to produce a single score reflecting the subject's overall impression of their life; five items with typical ∞ Likert scale ∞ options ranging from 1 (strongly disagree) to 7 (strongly agree). Most people score between 21 and 25. I score 6.

An extended version of the satisfaction with life scale included variations of the five questions with regards to the following domains:

* General life
* Social life
* Sex life
* Self
* Physical appearance
* Family life
* School life
* Relationship (romantic)
* Job satisfaction

So items would be things like "In most ways my sex life is close to my ideal" and such.

I look at these things and sigh... I haven't had a sex life in years. I don't like how I look. I'm estranged from my family except for my mother, who I talk to rarely. I have no romantic relationship. Or job. I have two friends, and enjoy the one-on-one interactions I have with them, but I don't exactly have a social network, nor do I attend 'social events' with multiple people. I look at myself, and while there are things I'm okay with or even proud of, I always assume that others will be less interested in those things than I am, and that I lack the qualities people actually look for. I'm doing okay at university, grades-wise... but I feel unsure about where it's even heading.

I can understand how someone who's happy with all of those facets of their life would be satisfied with life in general. Why they'd not want to die. But what if you have none of them? Why live? That's a question I'm trying to answer at the moment.

Things could potentially get better... I used to have nobody, go nowhere, but that's improved. Perhaps things will continue to improve. I just have to endure.

Being Cared For

I've experienced some joy over the last few months because I actually have a good friend now; someone I enjoy being around and would willingly seek out and look forward to spending time with. I've written about her here before. We'd go to lectures together and spend a few hours together during the first few days of each week.

This was the last week of lectures, though, so the routine I'd become familiar with is no more. I don't know how much I'll be able to see her from now on, and if I don't see her, I have nobody else that I can spend time with. I hope to meet up with her a few times over the next three or four weeks, but after that, it's the summer holidays... Four months. Most people would look forward to this, but for me it just means isolation, loneliness; back into my prison cell, essentially. I have no friends back home and no way to find any.

The fear of this has been getting to me, I suppose. Lurking at the bottom of my mind constantly. I've been desperate to forge some positive memories with my friend before the holidays start so I'll have something to mentally cling to, at least, but her boyfriend's jealousy prevents her from agreeing to even simple things like watching films with me in her room. (Should I be writing about such things openly here? Hmm.) While I understand his feelings and have been far more jealous than that myself in the past, it's difficult being the one neglected in favour of appeasing the wrath of someone more important.

There were also other 'little' things that she did or didn't do over the last few days that contributed to a general feeling of me being neglected or not cared for, each of which fuelled my fears and pushed me deeper into despair. Finding out that ∞ there's something wrong with my brain ∞ didn't help either.

All these factors added up, to the point where I needed to talk to her about them... She reacted though by telling me how difficult it is having so much pressure put on her, what with her essentially being my sole source of happiness these days. While I wasn't entirely oblivious to that, hearing it made explicit made me want to just disappear; I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I hated the thought of the corner I'm in... Resting my whole heavy weight on one support, which might very well break from the pressure. I'd love to find more good friends so then one person alone wasn't so burdened by me... but they don't exactly grow on trees.

And I'm far too picky! I value her so much because she actually largely meets the narrow range of criteria my ridiculous mind seems to require to react with desire and pleasure rather than awkwardness and aversion... but I never meet other people who do. This is the unrealistic expectations of the world that I spoke of earlier. It's black and white; either something makes me obsessively intrigued, or I don't want anything to do with it at all.

Anyway. The biggest reason I was able to recover (at least somewhat) from these feelings was because my friend treated me supportively (after she'd expressed how much pressure she felt)... She said nice things, which brought me to tears. She said she wished she could hug me, I said I was going to go for a walk to clear my mind anyway and that I could pass by her halls on the way... She came to the door in her pyjamas and hugged me tightly for several minutes as I literally cried on her shoulder... Out of sadness, but gratitude too. She said I could message her whenever I needed to, too, even if it was in the middle of the night. Things like that are why I value her so much... Why I wish I could be a source of joy to her more often rather than a burden (usually I am; times like this aren't common, I hope). It's also why I'm scared of being alone again.

Social support makes all the difference... A genuine hug from someone who cares can turn black to white. But if you lack that support most of the time... Well.

There's much more that I could say, but I'll leave it at this for now. I'm not doing well. I'm not at all satisfied with my life, and I spend so much of my time lonely and depressed. Will things ever get better? I honestly don't know at this point. I have made a friend for the first time in years... but now I fear that I'm so difficult that I'll lose her before long. And of course I compare the nothing that I have to the abundance that she has and am reminded of my lack of luck...

Anyway. I'm trying. Trying to find a reason to live. It's just very challenging right now...