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Following a Firefly through the Dark Fog

9 years ago452 words

Almost all my time recently has been spent revising for the final exams of the first year of my Psychology university course, though I had my last one today. It's a bittersweet feeling, ending this chapter of my life, but it means that I can finally get around to making all the things I've been wanting to make!

Endings always make me feel reflective. It's embarrassing, though, looking at the trajectory of my life, and comparing it to that of others or to the archetype laid out by the society I live in. I spent years isolated, and came here to university to remedy that... but worried that my age might put people off. Thankfully not, and I did manage to make two close friends. Sadly, one of those friendships has been fizzling out, but the other's as strong as ever, and it adds a light to my life that wasn't there before. Friendship is such a simple thing that most people easily acquire in abundance and take for granted, I feel, but after lacking it in any real-world sense for so long, I feel deeply grateful for what I have managed to find now. For that reason, I think I'm able to call these past few months some of the best of my life, even if I spent much of them in a low mood and didn't get exactly what I wanted or hoped for (though I'm used to that).

It's a shame that my routine - with its regular, enjoyable social interaction - is ending. For a while now, I've dreaded this point, knowing I'd have to retreat back into my cave, back to solitude, loneliness... I'm trying to see is more positively, though. Rather than as a loss, as the taking away of something wonderful, I'm trying to see it as a gift of abundant time, which I can use for many things that I've been unable to get around to recently.

I'll think and write about a full plan of action soon where I attempt to crystallise the vague, foggy ideas that currently fill my head. I want to do creative stuff; there's plenty I want to write about here, I definitely want to get back on track with games development, and I want to work on drawing and music composition too. I'd also like to develop myself as a person, face some fears, explore 'spirituality' some more (meditation, things like that). It'd be nice too to get less bad at developing online connections with people; responding more, hiding less.

So there's a little flicker of excitement amongst the dread. I'm going to try to focus on that. Tomorrow, I shall hopefully get to work on many things!