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Summer Plans

8 years ago2,197 words

As I said in my previous post, I'll be very isolated for the next few months... but rather than seeing it as a stretch of soul-sapping emptiness, I'm trying to see it as a gift of time, which I can spend on various things. I'm going to write about a few of those things here.

I'm not promising to do any of them! Sadly, I find that intention and motivation rarely line up; I can be brimming with desire to tackle a long project or adopt a new habit one day, but then the next I simply feel too depressed - too drained of all energy - to do anything at all. And I know that because of this, I've been quite unreliable in the past... All talk, all big ideas, few actual results.

So what I'm going to write about here are just ideas that I could potentially explore. A list to turn to if I feel lost or aimless.

A Routine

Having real-world obligations - such as work or classes - gives a structure to life which prevents the mind from spending too long wallowing in destructive thoughts... Without having specific times to do things, though, it's easy to just put everything off, to ruminate, to never be properly productive.

I've experimented for years with various timetables, to do lists, and so on, and each of them tends to work for a while before I fall back into old habits. I doubt then that any schedule I decide on will last forever, but it likely will benefit me for as long as it does last. Making something impermanent is better than not making anything at all, I feel.

While studying for exams, I came up with a structure that I quite liked. Basically, I did work - in that case studying, but during the summer it'll likely be games development - in one-hour blocks, during which time I'd listen to ∞ focus@will ∞: a site that plays music which is neither gripping nor annoying; enough to help you get into the flow state without being distracting. I've found it very useful over the last couple of years, though it's not free.

Between each of these one-hour blocks, I'd spend half an hour doing something else; various sources (such as ∞ this one ∞) espouse the value of taking regular breaks between periods of focused work in order to be most productive. I used my break periods to draw while listening to an audiobook I find engaging and interesting; this allows me to reap the psychological benefits gained from producing art and to augment my knowledge, both in a way that feels more relaxing than doing actual work. Perhaps it's unwise to try to cram a different kind of work into my 'breaks', and perhaps it'd lead to burnout if kept up for a long time... but I'll experiment with it a bit and write about how effective it's been for me.

I always make the mistake of trying to cram my days full to the brim with planned activities, using timetable apps (like Google Calendar) to specify what I'll do for every hour of the day... This is unwise, though; it'd be much better to reserve a few hours a day as empty slots, free time. It seems the best way to avoid burnout.

I also try to cram all my hobbies into every day, too; "I'll draw AND compose AND make games AND face my fears EVERY DAY!!!"... but of course that never works out either. I'm going to try to add them to each week though, at least, almost as if assigning myself school-like classes. "I have Music Composition for a couple of hours on Tuesdays and Fridays!"

Daily Habits

I'd also like to foster some happiness-boosting daily habits:

Meditation helps a lot, as many studies show. It's best when done in the morning, and even a few minutes of meditation seems to help a lot. I've made the mistake before of trying to overdo this, to dive in the deep end; "I'll meditate for an hour a day!!", I think, then just keep putting it off because it's far too much of a commitment. It'd be much better to decide on a smaller amount of time - even if it was just five minutes - then I could add to that as I got into the habit.

Walks will help a lot too; exercise and sunlight are of great benefit when it comes to easing the symptoms of depression. I like walking while listening to an audiobook, so hopefully I'll get through quite a few of those if I both walk and draw while listening to them!

Keeping up with correspondence is something I've always struggled with, but it's the biggest reason I always feel so lonely, I think. I'm terrible at replying to comments, and it's been ages since I last checked my non-university emails! The more I put it off though, the worse I feel... I'd like to become relatively active on deviantART so then I can feel inspired by and connected to other creative people... but I've had that intention in the past and it's never really worked out too well. But at least the desire is there.

One of the modules I did in Psychology this university was called "Learning to be Happy", and it covered the things that make people happy, and how to adopt and maintain habits that increase happiness. I'm planning to use some of what I learned to adopt these habits more effectively than I have in the past, but I think I'll talk more about that in another post; I don't want this one to get too long!

Create stuff!

I'm known as a games developer, so I obviously intend to work on that in some way, but I'd also like to also try a couple of other things: making YouTube videos and composing songs!!

Games Development

I'm uncertain what to do about games development. I started Taming Dreams far too long ago, and did intend to make that as a long-running episodic series... but I don't know whether I'll have the time or motivation for such a thing any time soon. I also feel it's too nichey to be worth the effort; if it would make me millions, I might try to focus on it, but I doubt that would ever happen.

In order to feel satisfied with life, we must feel that our life has some meaningful purpose. I don't at the moment, but I feel that I can use my games development skills as a tool to make some kind of meaningful impact, even if it's small. Ideally, I'd merge what I've learned about psychology, and my own experiences with isolation and depression and such, to make some kind of game or app that could help people in an emotional sense... There are three ideas that I'm considering with this in mind:

One would be an RPG like Taming Dreams, where you explore the lonely protagonist's thoughts and overcome her issues while befriending characters who represent parts of herself. It might allow people to see how they could overcome their own issues, though it'd very much be a retreat into fantasy, and might be just as nichey as Taming Dreams. It may also be rejected by 'gamers' for being too different to the usual violent fare, or too 'preachy' or something. Hmm.

Another is Yden/Cultivate, a sim where you look after a tribe of people, breeding them and seeing to their needs and such. It seems more like a distraction than anything, though, and I don't know how much it will benefit me or others.

I had a flash of inspiration recently though, and wanted to use some of what I'd developed for Cultivate to make an app which would be a 'virtual friend'... I'd like to devote a post to that though rather than attempting to describe it here; I might write one later today.

I want to make at least something over the summer, even if I don't finish it...

Composing songs

I've never really liked music with lyrics; I've mostly listened to soundtracks and Classical music, instrumental stuff. So though I've tried to compose music, I've never tried to write songs.

However, hearing recently about the joy my friend gets out of listening to songs made me wonder what it'd be like to compose my own. I mean, I like writing things in a somewhat poetic way, I like composing music, and I wish I had more of a reason to compose music... So I wondered what it'd be like to combine these things! I've never tried singing, so I can't imagine I'd be good at it, but this would just be a form of private expression to bolster my own happiness rather than something I'd hope would make me rich and famous or anything. I'm neither young nor sexy enough for that anyway!

And honestly, a big reason is that I feel it would be a good way to use creativity to express affection. My creative hobbies have always been solitary; they produce products, but it seems that it's performance - not products - that charm others. Musicians end up with legions of screaming fans; painters don't. Composers don't. It's because they're not parading around actively showing off their capabilities, so the minds of observers never really see the product AS its creator, at least not in an emotional sense... or something. While I wouldn't release cheesy love songs out into the world in the hope that some stranger would randomly love me, if I had someone I already knew and wanted to woo them, I think it would be quite nice to compose her a private song and then actually sing it to her myself (if I knew her well enough first, anyway!). It'd also mean I'd have a reason to practise the piano more often.

It's interesting how I was trapped for so long in my rigid preferences because I had nobody in my life who made me want to explore the world of wonders I'd been avoiding... Her interest in this sort of music serves as a sort of emotional stepping stone for me, which I wish I'd had years ago.

YouTube Videos

I've been wondering about doing this for a while, but I suppose university came up and I never got the chance to get around to it. I'm uncertain what I'd talk about, though. The same sorts of stuff as here? Just a sort of daily diary about my thoughts? While I'd like to think that some interesting things go through my mind that other people might like to hear, isn't that the same sort of narcissism that everyone thinks these days? Would I just be embarrassing myself? Setting myself up for harsh judgement?

I don't really watch YouTube videos made by other people... Mostly because of the sort of envy that always holds me back. "They did it better than I could, so I shouldn't try!" But the few I have watched have been entertaining in the sense that it's nice to listen to someone else's thoughts, to see into their world; you follow their story, feel bonded with them, like you have another friend even if you never actually directly interact with them. So it could be an interesting thing to try...

It'd benefit me because I rarely get the chance to speak aloud, and I stumble over my words a lot as a result. Hopefully I'd improve with practice. And I think I'm relatively engaging to listen to, based on what people have told me in the past when I've given oral presentations ("I could listen to you all day" or "you really know how to hold the room" and so on).

I'd probably prefer to do audio before video, since I'm neither sexy nor confident, but I suppose I could see where things go...

Three Good Things

My 'Learning to be Happy' module introduced me to several positive psychology techniques that are supposed to improve general wellbeing. One of these - said to be the most effective - is called the 'Three Good Things' method. Basically, at the end of every day for a certain period (a couple of weeks or something, or every day), you write down three good things that happened to you that day, and your role in them. It's supposed to encourage you to focus on the good and not the bad, and to realise that your life isn't completely devoid of light.

My first thought is "but I imagine I won't have three good experiences most days!", so I'd be curious to challenge that. I might write my three good things in this blog daily... We'll see.

So yes!

Those are my plans for the summer. I've got others too - I might try volunteering at some mental health related place thing - but for now this seems enough to get started. I'm going to immediately start writing a post about the third game idea I mentioned...