PERSONAL

0

3,497

So Close, But I'm Too Far Away

6 years ago1,138 words

A young woman lives with her parents next door who I might very well be quite compatible with, but we've never even seen each other because I'm too weird.

I've achieved little over the past two days... Depression's been getting to me, bringing its thoughts of shame and self-loathing with it. The demons have a lot to work with, a lot of unhappy memories to remind me of again and again. It's an awful state to be stuck in. I've been trying meditation and exercise - at least as much as the depression will allow, which isn't much - though neither has much of an impact. I suppose it's just a matter of waiting for this spot of poorer-than-usual mental weather to pass, like a rainy day.

My parents just spent a few hours with the neighbours. They seem to have an active social life, in the way that late-middle-aged people would (so having dinner and wine rather than going out clubbing, I mean), always seeing some other couple on weekends, sometimes on weekdays too. And here I am, never seeing anyone. I don't think I've had any meaningful human contact since university ended, months ago? It's sad.

Anyway, the neighbours have a daughter, who's around my age, maybe a little bit younger. She lives at home too. She - according to my parents, or hers, or both - spends most of her time by herself in her room. She seems to be interested in art, and I've been told that she's quiet and a bit quirky. My step-dad told me after they got back today that she'd make the 'perfect girlfriend' for me because she's got a lot in common with me (and she's single).

And maybe we are compatible? I don't know. I've been here for months now and I've not seen her once. Or rather, she's not seen me, since I rarely venture out of the house these days. Very rarely. It's been, what, weeks since the last time? And that was only a brief walk.

I don't like this situation. I don't like being the never-seen weirdo. It was like this to a large degree at university, too. I made a couple of friends in the first week, but one of those friends expanded her social circle immensely (by which I mean she broke up with her boyfriend and slept with a lot of guys, some of whom lingered in her life). She apparently sang my praises to these other guys, had some particular appreciation for me (probably because I was the only one who didn't try to have sex with her), but they were probably sceptical that I even existed. I never saw them, not once. I still don't know what they look like even though I saw her often (in first year at least) and she talked about them a lot. It's not because she hid anything - she would have loved to have shown me photos of them, to have had us meet - but my anxieties led to avoidance, hiding from acquiring even more mental scars.

It's strange. I know it is. I wouldn't exactly choose for things to be this way. I'd love to just somehow casually encounter this neighbour, to have some charming conversation and build a relationship - even if it's just a friendship - that benefits us both.

But sigh... The social anxiety demons assure me that any attempt to do so would only end in disaster, in judgement, in me 'messing things up' and being perceived as some creepy weirdo who's best avoided.

The two friends I met at university seemed to have more positive opinions of me... at least at first. But one of those ended horrendously - memories of my failures with that whole situation pollute my mind every day, suffocating me with guilt - and I suppose the circumstances under which we met were more conducive to bonds forming than most situations would be (everyone was new and anxious and eager to form connections with whoever reached out to them).

I haven't actually talked in person to someone around my own age in... well, ever, as this age, I suppose? The last time I talked to same-age peers was when I was about 18, I think. Back in school. Since then, my crooked path through life has put me in contact with people either a generation or more older or several years younger than myself. I feel like I'd come across as some kind of stunted overgrown child to someone more well-adjusted, or at least more 'ordinary' - which this neighbour seems to be? - since that's pretty much what I am.

But there's more than that. It seems cruel to forge relationships with anyone with all this brain tumour stuff going on... I'll be debilitated for who-knows-long - or I'll die - very soon, so what kind of position would that be to put a new person in?

Plus there's the fact that I have no money, no significant income, no clear job, no... life, really. I'm trapped in a hole my mind has dug for me, detached from everything, with nothing in terms of worldly possessions or achievements to offer. I'm a skinny, feeble nerd, so I can't protect or viscerally arouse. I live with my parents and spend my time trying to make creative things that probably won't go anywhere (I hope they will... but, well, maybe I'll write about all that another time). I feel like a joke, not an appealing catch.

I'd love to have a nearby friend who I could give company to, and receive it in return. Maybe someone very compatible with me lives right next door, by sheer chance. But it just seems so... so awful, thinking about how trapped in a terrible position I am right now, and how unfair it'd be to drag anyone else into it.

Anyway, I'm just venting here... There's a load more I've been going over again and again in my head these past few days, and I keep wondering whether to write it all out here. I just assume nobody would want to read it, though, or that they'd think less of me and leave, because that's how the social game works; if you make moves that cause others to see you as unappealing, you lose them. I keep wondering whether all the stuff I've written about recently, about relationships, has driven some people away. Or maybe people are just bored about me not producing anything worth keeping up with. I don't know. I can only wonder, really... and I've got too much alone time to do just that, so much of that. Which is great.

It does help to vent though. And maybe someone will get something out of this, so I might as well post it...