PERSONAL

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Bleak Thoughts While Recuperating

6 years ago5,167 words

I know I vent about my personal problems on this personal blog a lot, but it always helps to get them out rather than just keeping them to myself. Brain cancer and loneliness are the biggest things at the moment, still, though I'm coping gradually with each of them. Still, I'd rather just start working on a game!

Sorry about not posting in a while! I'm still feeling terrible... I'm getting better, slowly, but I still feel tired most of the time. I'll probably feel worse during the upcoming radiotherapy, and for months afterwards, I've been told, but... well, I wanted to write an update anyway because I feel like I haven't in a while, and there's a lot I want to talk about. This post will likely end up mentioning a bunch of things that I really should talk about in separate ones, but I don't know how often I'll have the energy to write anything. It feels difficult just writing this now. I've spent much of my time for the past several weeks just lying in bed... Anyway, one thing at a time.

I actually wrote most of this a few days ago, but I've been feeling so 'bleh' that I've yet to muster up the energy to finish and post it. Annoying... There's so much that I want to do but can't because I feel like this... ugh.

Since people mostly commented on the games stuff on the previous posts (I did read all the comments; sorry for not having the energy to reply to individual ones again!), I want to talk a bit about that here. I actually originally devoted half of this post to my newest game idea, and I talked about it probably far too openly. I described it in terms of its 'big picture': the overall story, with the twists, turns, and ending. I wanted to make it clear, you see, what the game I want to work on is about, so then people might be interested... plus I don't exactly have anyone (who particularly cares) to discuss those key factors of the story with. It made me wonder what Proper Authors do with their stories; do they tell their close loved ones about the ending right from the get-go, or do they just write the whole thing in isolation and hope for the best? (Obviously it's different when a team is making a game or a film.)

Poor comments on some of my post-MARDEK but pre-this stuff - projects dealing with more personal things, like this would be attempting to do, to a degree - have made me paranoid about what people might think about what I produce, and my particular personality disorder makes the thought of that especially daunting. It's why I wondered whether letting people experience the entire story as it develops would allow for continuing feedback which would mean that the end result would be acceptable, rather than wasting months on something that nobody even likes in the end.

But I'm not going to post that overall summary of the game here. It's written, so I could post it, but I don't know if it's something that people would want. I do want to explain what the game will be to the fairly small audience that I have here, but I'm aware that what I wrote is all very spoilery and that most people would prefer a story that gradually unravels as they unravel it. People hate spoilers for good reason!

That's probably all I'll say about that game for now, so if you're not interested in games stuff, you can of course ignore the rest of this long post.

I'll probably write another post soonish (if I can!!) specifically about that game with a summary that's more teasing than revealing... though I am curious about whether anyone would be interested in the summary thing that pretty much tells you exactly what's going to happen and why.

I want to talk more about that, and will do in other posts, maybe... Anything to distract myself from the mess I'm having to endure, really. But speaking of that lovely mess...



I still have brain cancer!! And I'm still getting treated for that. I went to the hospital again last Thursday (which is when I started writing this... sigh) to have my radiotherapy mask fitted, and to have a 90-minute MRI scan of both my head and my spine. An ordeal for sure! The mask is odd; since the radiotherapy uses very accurate beams to get at the tumour through the head, your head needs to be in exactly the same position each time, so you need to have a mask that's basically a sculpture of your head which you wear each session to keep it still. This 'sculpture' started as essentially a yellow net thing, flat, warmed in water, which moulded itself around my face as a swarm of nurses pushed against it from all angles to get the fit just right. Strange, but not a bad experience.

I had a scan of my head and spine because there's a chance that the cancer could have spread beyond my head... which won't be good, obviously. Maybe not though; the spine scan was just precautionary rather than a reaction to any signs or symptoms. Lying on my back for 90 minutes with the loud whirring of the MRI machine all around my head was difficult, largely because I've been sleeping sitting up for a while because it seems that lying on my back or side was what was causing me to wake up dizzy, nauseous, and vomiting. Some brain pressure thing, perhaps. I don't exactly know.

I've been told that there's no guaranteed date for the radiotherapy starting yet, but it'll likely be in about two weeks or so (or two weeks since I started writing this, anyway). Right over Christmas... Great. I'll have to cancel all the wild parties and reindeer orgies I was going to attend. Once the radiotherapy starts, it goes for six weeks, every weekday. The actual sessions aren't long - 15 minutes, including all the setup - but driving to and back takes an hour each way, and some of the time I'll be going with just my step-dad, who I don't exactly feel comfortable around because of the stupid mental disorder that I have. I'll... just have to endure it all, I suppose. Sigh.

Since my brain's been tampered with, it's obviously taking a while to recover from that. Too long... I hate going so long being unable to produce anything meaningful, just lying around in bed so much of the time barely able to function. I can think, though, which is double-edged; while I've been playing around with ideas for creative projects I hope I get the chance to make (like the game I mentioned earlier), I've also been dwelling a lot on my many failings and the sad state of my life, and I wonder whether the negative feelings that brings up are getting in the way as much as the brain trauma.

I've said all this before, but I'm a 30-year-old single man, and I don't think I'm going to find a partner at this point. That's the biggest thing. Lacking sex, of course, but more importantly the intimacy of someone who loves me. I feel like so much of my life has been spent - wasted, more accurately - hoping to find someone... but I feel like I've been playing entirely the wrong game, as it were, so no wonder I'm in the position that I'm in.

Ages ago, I mentioned that I'd been looking at incel and MGTOW subreddits because their position in life resonates with my own. Those men are without women, though they cope with it in very different ways. The incels believe that relationships would set them free but are beyond their reach forever, whereas the Men Going Their Own Way lot have sworn off relationships due to bad experiences and believe that this separation brings freedom rather than pain.

I don't want to argue whether or not either group is right in their assessment of women. I think they are, for the most part, when it comes to facts about the mating game at least, and I can understand where their misogynistic emotional reaction comes from even if I don't necessarily share it. They talk about how the world is highly feminised these days, how women can and do make demands and get away with murder and are met by men with support rather than the condemnation that an ugly man would receive if he'd done exactly the same actions as a woman. Women aren't oppressed; ugly men are, they say, at much length.

Women are biologically conditioned to be sexually aroused by attractive, masculine men, which society refers to as 'bad boys'. There's a lot of surface talk from 'normal' - conditioned - people about how 'personality' is important, how traits like niceness are cherished and should be encouraged, but psychology studies suggest otherwise, and, more relevantly, I think, there's a lot of real-world talk about how women are drawn to the 'arseholes' and repeatedly have sex with them while being repulsed by 'nice', polite guys... as for example in ∞ this thing ∞, or ∞ this one ∞, or many more that these people are constantly bringing up. The guys in these places are selective for sure, but they don't base their worldview on a complete lack of evidence.

I've spent my life trying (with many failures) to develop compassion and empathy, but these traits won't exactly send a girl aquiver with lust. Well, they might if I had model-esque good looks, because at that point personality doesn't matter in the least and you can be a literal child rapist and still get more interest than an average-looking saint might. I wouldn't want to be any different to how I am, at least in terms of compassion (or if anything I'd want to develop it further), but it does feel as if I'm playing the wrong game, as I said; that the rules I've chosen to follow don't lead to the conclusion I might ideally want.

Incels etc use examples such as those I linked to to support their worldview, but they're obviously selective about it. A woman could easily take only the wild, macho ravings of frat boys, about 'pumping and dumping' girls and laughing about their feelings, and claim that all men are like that without exception (a lot of the incel and MGTOW guys do seem to be that cruel actually, at least in part as a response to poor treatment from women and the frustrating realisation that being nice isn't going to get them the basic human function their genes are constantly pushing them to achieve). Incels get frustrated that women only chase what they call 'Chads' - the sexually desirable top small percent of guys - while treating lower-'tier' men as subhuman or invisible. When women speak about 'men', these guys say, especially if they're claiming 'men' have something or other easier than women do, then they're referring exclusively to these 'Chads', who do have life a lot easier due to virtue of their genetic superiority rather than their gender. Ugly guys who have things harder don't exist to these women, apparently; they aren't considered in the victim equation. But the way that these men speak about 'women' seems to assume that all those 'women' are attractive and socially capable, for the most part ("any girl could get a boyfriend just by existing", for example). They're referring to the 'normal' women, while treating truly hideous women as invisible much as they complain about being treated as invisible themselves. (Though it does seem that ∞ women rate men more harshly than the reverse ∞, for biological reasons; it's more important for them to be picky if they'll be stuck with the offspring for a long time.)

They claim that women have an easier time finding sex, which definitely seems to be true. The average woman would receive sexual interest from many guys just for existing, in a way that an average man wouldn't. Especially if she was young and attractive. Social anxiety for a guy can spell isolation and suicide, but for a woman might more usually be "I'm awkward, so my boyfriend and male friends help me" (based on my own experience). But sex isn't necessarily what the women are after. Sure, they can get it, but what they want is commitment, which is more difficult to secure. The men complain that the women can get what they - the men - want, with ease, and are frustrated at the women for being overly picky. For having many suitors, but turning most or all of them away because they're not the right 'kind' of man she's looking for. The men say they'd be happy with any woman who showed any interest in him, but that none do because those women are spoiled for choice about the 'best' guys these days. Everyone thinks they deserve the best, that it's within their grasp, and they get upset when they have to settle for less.

It's all very complicated, anyway. I'd hope that people wouldn't perceive incels as violent misogynists, terrorists even, as the mainstream view seems to currently be; 'incel' is a dirty word, and anyone who associates with it is assumed to be a shooter-to-be. It's no different, really, than assuming all Muslims are terrorists just because there were indeed a few terrorists who did what they did because of their interpretation of the Muslim beliefs. Some murderous men - a tiny number - might have had incel beliefs; that doesn't mean every incel is a murderer. It'd be superficial to think that. It's better, I think, to understand where they're coming from, and why. To see the misogyny as a reaction to injustice rather than having a knee-jerk "I don't like that so it's bad and they are bad!!" kind of reaction. To react with a raised eyebrow and curiosity rather than a scowl and a closed mind. Why some people bully others who are already suffering immensely for not taking that suffering lying down is beyond me.

Some people truly are just genetically unlucky. Cursed. Some are just physically unappealing; if you're a man and your face looks like a prolapsed arse, or you're below a certain height, then you might be forever doomed to be unlucky in love (apparently an alarming number of Twitter girls have been ∞ clamouring for the death of men below 6 feet tall ∞ (which is ∞ the majority of men ∞), and getting support or agreement from other women; hmm). Meanwhile, someone born with looks and wealth is going to be playing the game of life on easy mode, winning victories in games that were never even available to you in the first place due to the way that others treat you, or who you know or don't. None of that is fair, but it shouldn't be something that people would deny either.

Some people look 'alright' - or at least their looks alone might not be good enough to open doors, but they don't cause others to recoil and want to vomit either - but mental issues hold them back. Autism, anxiety, etc. I've been thinking a lot about that, lately... About how my own anxiety is severe to the point of essentially running and ruining my entire life. I'd surely be in such a different position now if only I didn't have this Avoidant Personality Disorder that constantly makes me flee from experiences.

I mean, I'm not attractive either, I don't think. I've been remembering - as I lie in bed, unable to do much else but think - times when people have met me negatively due to what I can see now was likely my appearance. I'm a skinny, nerdy, awkward guy; I'm feminine in both appearance and attitude. I'm not the athletic, swaggering, square-jawed manly man with the trendy haircut who'd elicit more positive reactions in most others, especially the opposite sex. Years ago, my ex-girlfriend found me physically appealing enough to stare at me and say I was 'pretty', or to stand in front of a mirror with me just so she could ogle me... and a girl I knew at a night class I went to before uni said she originally thought I was a friend of hers who must have looked very similar to me, and who got many girls because he 'let them be as they are'; essentially, he had a 'good personality' and as such was sexually successful. And I had female friends at uni who didn't look at me with revulsion. Other people haven't commented on my looks either way though, leading me to assume I'm neither sexy nor hideous. Not that this matters very much, because it's not the fundamental issue here.

I've mentioned the thing about my girlfriend before, probably several times, but it's because it was so rare for me, and therefore meaningful. Some incels do seem to evoke revulsion in those they come across due to their looks (you'd be lying if you said you wouldn't be uncomfortable around someone who looks like ∞ this ∞), and many have never had a partner. Some describe themselves as "KHHVs", or "Kissless Hugless Handholdless Virgins", which is... well, if you're fortunate enough to get those things regularly, can you imagine that? For many young people, a month without sex is an ordeal. Perhaps it's frustrating - especially to those people, to whom love has come relatively easily - when 'KHHVs' and similar talk often about their suffering, but it truly does ravage the mind beyond things like cancer, which seem far lesser by comparison (obviously I'm speaking from experience with both; I'd gladly have cancer and a loving partner than, well, cancer and no loving partner, like now). I did have a girlfriend once, and I had a female friend I hugged often in university - as such, I'm more fortunate than incels who've had no physical contact whatsoever - but it feels like a lifetime ago, like it wasn't even me. Now, I'm having to get by, through all of this, without any intimacy or physical contact from anyone... and on a conscious level that's not too difficult, really, but the body reacts differently to the mind. It has a harder time of not being touched. It's immensely distracting but not something that treatment can actually treat.

I talked about looks because they're what the incels are most obsessed with, but they're not the fundamental issue for me. Anxiety is... Or rather, the personality disorder that I seem to have. That's the biggest bother by far. I've been thinking about how much has been given to me over the years, especially during this period of recovery with my parents and medical staff fawning over me much of the time, and how much of that I've 'refused' by running away in fear. Opportunities come to me, and I 'reject' them (after MARDEK, I got several job offers); I get comments and emails that I'd love to reply to but don't for stupid reasons like no energy, or fear. This unfortunate position I'm in is very much 'my' fault. Or the demons' fault, you could say; I don't want or choose to be this way. It's like someone with OCD 'choosing' to turn the door handle a dozen times before leaving. To what degree is that a 'choice'?

I lack meaningful friendships at the moment, and I wonder how different that'd be if I'd been more open to properly befriending the people I knew through my games and websites in the past. I wasn't open to befriending anyone male, though, which is stupid. I suppose I felt so un-manly and sensitive that I was scared of burly criticism; it seemed safer to be by myself, to hide (which is what ∞ avoidant personality disorder is all about ∞). Plus, I couldn't develop those bonds into romance - or physical touch, which I suppose was the most important thing that was missing - so it felt like 'a waste'. I regret it now, but at the same time the avoidance rules me to the point that I still don't think I could befriend the people who'd be interested in getting to know me. Maybe it's been too long without human contact for me to be any good at it. I don't know. I'm not necessarily scared of men anymore, as such (occasionally reading the incel/MGTOW stuff is actually helping with that), but I'm definitely still scared of the judgment that underlies all interactions.

I do keep in contact with three (wow, three) people online, all young women; I met two at uni, I know the other from my websites. Our 'conversations' are like one long message every few days, though. Partly it makes me feel like I'm not desirable enough to be worth chasing, but I take days to reply myself, so it's surely a mutual thing. Soon those 'bonds' - such as they are - will fade, and my parents will die, and I'll be left with nothing, and I'm terrified.

...

Have you heard the term 'soyboy', or 'numale' at all? It's a weirdly specific archetype I've only come across while looking on these incel/MGTOW boards, but it seems prevalent, at least on Reddit. They're the sort of guys who have glasses and beards and ∞ women-first attitudes ∞, they'd describe themselves as 'male feminists', and they're nice to their wife's boyfriend while he's having sex with her and such. They seem to talk in a standard way with stock phrases; "yikes, oof; this, so much this; you, sir, win the internet; thanks for the Reddit gold, kind stranger!", etc. They also seem to pose for photos with ∞ a strange wide-open-mouthed excited expression ∞. I think the soy comes from them drinking soy milk or something? Odd.

They're seen as the enemy by those forums because they defend women at every turn while devaluing men - including themselves - to the detriment of truly equal gender relations (rather than the man being the slave and the woman being always right). I have no strong opinion about them; I just find it interesting how many individuals adapt to a shared culture in such a way that they become instances of a Type. I wonder if they'd deny being instances of that Type, or whether they'd defend it and take pleasure in it (in the same way that I wouldn't want to be traditionally masculine and would prefer to be as I am). "Incel" seems to be a Type too, one to be despised even with little to no knowledge of what being involuntarily celibate actually entails. There are other posts on the incel subreddit where the members complain about strangers evoking the 'incel' stereotype much as they themselves evoke 'soyboys'.

I mention that particular Type partly to make a connection between what I was just talking about and what I want to talk about. One of the facets of that archetype is that soyboys/numales adore the Nintendo Switch (I've no idea why)... and I happen to have bought myself one of those recently. I couldn't really afford it, but I thought that while I'm spending all this time being looked after by my parents and just lying in bed for much of the day, I might as well have something I can do while lying in bed. It's been ages since I last played console games, so it's been an experience. Thankfully I've got four games that I wanted for it, rather than just buying it exclusively for one, as I feared I might. I've only played Breath of the Wild so far though; I wanted that because I've played the other games in the Zelda series and it was bothering me that I might miss out on one. It's interesting, very much in line with modern design sensibilities despite links to the earliest era of video gaming; maybe I'll write about it when I'm done. I don't know. Mostly it's just an escape, though.

The Switch is interesting also in that it seems like Nintendo didn't want to release a handheld and a console this time around, so they just combined them. It's a good idea, I think, and it works well. Either way, it gives me something to mindlessly do when I'm too incapacitated to do anything else. Better than just lying around with my negative thoughts, at least. (A lot of this seems repetitive, I think while reading it back for editing... but I think I'll just leave it as it is.)

I've been doing some creative stuff, but it's without value, and not something I want to show off. Mostly it's for that personal project I've mentioned a few times where people talk like friends about things I wish I could talk about with an actual friend... It's sad, I know, and it's taking up too much of my time, but I suppose it's my feeble attempt to use the abilities I have to fill the deep hole in my heart... though I know that it never truly will. Still, while it's largely a waste of time from the perspective of the universe outside my own head, and it's not exactly solving the problem I made it to solve, I'm making a lot of 3D models for it, and writing dialogue, so I'll be able to use those skills in Taming Dreams and the game that I plan to make. For those, especially Taming Dreams, I intend to use some base human models to derive all other characters from, so it's important that I get those models right rather than wasting a long time using dodgy models I'd eventually want to entirely replace. This experience is useful for that. But as I said, it's sad, so I don't want to show off what I've done. I feel bad about this, but I'd rather just keep it to myself.



I'd originally written a lot here about the game idea I've been working on, as I said, but I think I'll write a separate post about that. I get the feeling that some people might be more interested in reading about my game stuff than about all this lovely personal rubbish I'm going through. I think what I'll do is write about the four key characters I'll be using, and in doing so I'll talk about the plot and mechanics of the game too. I'll try to draw them before that, if I can.

I wrote most of this post days ago, as I said, and I don't feel that what it says necessarily represents my current mental state as much as it did back then. It's all still relevant though, I suppose. All of this stuff has been going through my mind a lot because, well, I've had so much time to think, especially about my position in life and the bleak future... and it helps to just get it out somewhere, even if nobody actually cares. Most people would get such things out in conversations, but that's not an option for me. I'm worried that it'll annoy people - especially since I don't seem to be treating incels as demons, and as such I might be violating the current cultural rules - but I'm just sharing what's on my mind.

In regards to the incel thing, I wonder whether people think it's 'dangerous' that I'm looking into such communities. I think comments the last time I mentioned it suggested as much? And if incels are known as terrorists, then I'm essentially fraternising with terrorists by doing this (not that I do anything but observe without an account, but still). While I can understand that attitude, it irritates me, because far from being vicious fundamentalists bent on destruction, most of these incels are simply lonely, lonely men, 'KHHVs' in many cases, and they just want a place to vent out the immense frustration this undesirably solitary lifestyle inflicts upon them. I actually feel calmer reading their words, even the misogynistic ones, not because I 'agree' with them as such and want anyone to suffer, but because knowing that I'm not the only person so alone helps a lot. It's easier than entering any other space and hearing 'my boyfriend' this, 'my wife' that, which makes me flinch...

Often it feels like 'everyone else' has a girlfriend or boyfriend and I'm the only lonely one, left to suffer. I used to feel that finding love was the only way out of this pit, and my inability to find it meant that I wasn't worth anything as a person and should just die. Incels make a joke out of suicide, and some have taken that path when the struggle was too much. If anything, though, my own desire to die is less than it used to be just because I'm realising that relationships might not even be the answer anyway. There's more potential pain there than just being alone. Some work well for sure, and you're lucky if you're in a relationship which is working... but based on my past experiences, I don't think I'm capable of healthy relationships anyway. It's best that I'm alone. It's just a transformation that's taking time to take hold.

I can understand why people with very different worldviews - and more fortunate lives - wouldn't like this one, but it's helping me to get by more than something unattainable, which is the most important thing at the moment. I'm likely going to be meeting with a female friend in a while and I'll enjoy it when I do, but it's not like I can just magically find a romantic partner, not when I'm so deep in this pit. I wouldn't want to drag her in anyway.

So right. I'll stop rambling now. I know this post is too long, but, well. I'm going through a lot at the moment, and the brain cancer is only one of many things that make my 'quality of life' far less than those who are fortunate. I'm just hoping to use this pain to fuel my creativity, to inspire the game I want to make. I'll talk about that quite soon. I'd rather talk about something productive than all these problems! Still, it does help just to get it out.