PERSONAL

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Facing My Face

9 years ago727 words

I've been meaning to make a vlog, and after putting it off for ages due to dreading seeing myself on camera (something I normally avoid), I just experimented with it a bit... I just want to get my thoughts off my chest, since it was quite unnerving!

(I'm not going to show the results here or anything, you'll be relieved to hear.)

Perhaps everyone else in the world is used to seeing themselves on webcams for Skype or games or what-have-you, or sharing photos or Facebook or using Snapchat or all these other things that people do that involve faces. Talking in person. I heard that's a thing that people do too. I've always been too self-conscious and isolated for that, though... so actually seeing how I look is quite unsettling.

It's because I normally see myself in the bathroom mirror, which is flipped; just as when your voice sounds odd in recordings because you're used to hearing it inside your head, if you're used to seeing yourself in the mirror, then photos look off because they clash with your expectations. It's a well-known enough phenomenon.

It generally leads to thinking "is that how others hear/see me??", but of course seeing your own behaviour in video is a whole other level of unnervingness. I'm cringing, wanting to hide away in embarrassment, knowing that what I just watched is what my friends have to put up with!

I'm not a pretty person at all. I need a haircut! My hairline is ridiculously high (it always has been, but time's not kind). My face emotes bizarrely (the eyes dart around and the mouth barely moves; I say 'the' rather than 'my' because it's uncomfortable to know that that's me!). And so on and so forth. It's so easy to notice all these flaws... Even supermodels notice things 'wrong' with their appearance that others either don't notice or actually find quite appealing.

(On a completely unrelated note, my drunken housemates just walked in. I didn't see them, but I can hear them next door. I'm not normally exposed to drunken people either, but it's saddening to me - after growing up with my alcoholic father - to know that deliberately debilitating one's mind to such a degree isn't just acceptable, but you're bizarre if you don't do that regularly... What a world. Anyway, that's irrelevant.)

Where was I? Faces! Mine. I don't like it. Makes me wonder whether I could do a vlog at all. Who'd actually want to look at that? Ew and so on.

I've always prided myself on facing - rather than denying - my faults and failings... Whether I overcome them is another matter, but I was hoping to feel proud about doing a vlog because it'd be facing myself warts and all and putting myself out into the world rather than hiding in shame for deviating from its apparent ideals.

But the world is a harsh, judgemental place, and YouTube audiences aren't exactly known for being polite... And even if an old man wanted to strut around naked, confident about flopping his flaccid, hirsute giblets around all over the place, that doesn't mean anyone actually wants to see that. It'd be doing everyone a favour by keeping those ugly bits to himself. ...I'm speaking metaphorically here, to be clear.

My biggest thought is 'do I look creepy?', wondering whether people in real life think that when they look at me, and whether random YouTube strangers might as well. I think there's a very big chance that I do. Unpleasant, that. I wish I were sexy, but so much of it is genes...

So hmm. Conflicted... Perhaps I'll record a few videos for myself if nothing else, to face myself and hopefully even feel at least a little bit better about what I am cursed to be. I'd at least develop a better idea of how others see me... Might compel me to try to improve my appearance a bit. Get a haircut, that kind of thing. Hmm.

I do wonder though how many YouTube vloggers are actually attractive... All the popular ones, I imagine, but surely the majority aren't any more blessed than I am in that department? I wonder...

(Also, I'm not feeling much better than I did in the previous post... but doing this one one of my efforts to improve.)