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I AM REALLY QUITE TIRED YOU KNOW

6 years ago876 words

I've got a lot to do, but so little energy! So things are taking longer than I'd like...

(This is the post I was GOING to submit before I panicked too much over stupid site issues that thankfully turned out to be nothing serious... ugh.)

The previous posts got much more attention than the others I've been writing recently about Sindrel Song, which I suppose makes sense. I suppose they're more like what people might be reading this blog to see, or maybe it's because they tie into experiences that people already have in their lives, or something.

There were quite a few interesting comments on the previous post, which I want to reply to, and I started writing another post to do just that... but SIGH, I feel so completely exhausted all the time and it's so hard to do anything because of it. It's frustrating. I make a bunch of plans for each day, but achieve so few just because I don't have the energy at all.

I want to get around to that post very soon, but I wanted to write this one since there's been a noteworthy change to my situation which I hope will also produce a change in my ability to focus and actually do things.

I went to the hospital yesterday for another MRI to check my progress, the first since the radiotherapy ended. The results were fine, which is fairly boring really, but at least there's not been some complication and nothing's got worse. I spoke to a couple of nurses and my cancer doctor, and I mentioned that I'd been 'making a game' these past few weeks. Largely it's because I feel embarrassed talking to people who've achieved positions of importance like that, and want to show that I'm not just some couch potato, proud to be jobless and all that... They all seemed very surprised that I'd been spending my time on such a thing, and told me most people in this position can't concentrate at all and spend weeks doing nothing more than resting. I wonder though whether having this to focus on has helped provide mental exercise that warded away potential deficits. Still, I suppose I want to make the point that medical staff are pretty much telling me I shouldn't be pushing myself. I'm not just being lazy. I know most of you already understand that, but, well.

I've also moved into a holiday cottage by myself for a week, as a break from living at home. I've only been here a day, and already I feel a lot better, mentally, than I did while I was 'trapped' at home. I feel like I have a kind of freedom I should have achieved years ago, which I didn't even realise how much I needed. I also feel extremely tired though! Probably because yesterday I went to the hospital AND moved my stuff here AND went to the supermarket to buy food, and in doing so moved around in the real world more than I have in weeks. It felt surreal, uncomfortable, like my head was spinning and I was about to pass out all the time. Not pleasant. And now it's left me feeling absolutely exhausted.

I was sort-of planning to meet a friend while I'm here, but something's come up and I don't expect that'll happen (I'd go down the path of "she's making up excuses because I'm repellent", and maybe it is that, but it doesn't seem so), though I don't mind. I mean, I can't pretend it's not disappointing at all, but I also feel so tired and out of it that I honestly don't think I could endure prolonged company anyway. The thought feels like such a burden, while the idea of getting out of that social commitment and just being by myself feels like a relief, like the feeling of unexpectedly having a day off.

I won't go on; I don't have the energy. I do have a lot I want to focus on while I'm here this week though, energy permitting. I want to write a reply to the previous post and its comments (though I should probably split it up over several shorter, more focused posts), I want to write a post about something else I've been hinting at (and here's a heavier hint: it's about MARDEK), and I want to finish off Sindrel Song as best I can. I've done more work on it than I've posted about recently, and it's so close to being finished, but there are still a lot of unexciting or technically or creatively challenging tasks (animations and dialogue writing, mostly) that need doing, so I don't know how long it'll take. Hopefully not long, especially since I've been thinking a lot about what to focus on next.

So yes, even typing this has been difficult, ugh. I'm hoping Hopefully I'll be posting about one of those other things very soon!

(Annoying, having written something like this, and finding myself so shaken and sleep-deprived due to some random cause of extreme anxiety... Looks like I'll have to put aside the things I talked about here while I work on my websites a bit, too, though hopefully that won't take very long...)