PERSONAL

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Coping With Some Company

6 years ago829 words

My friend from university came over yesterday, which was the first time I've had a proper, prolonged social interaction with someone who wasn't a medical professional or my parents since the brain surgery. It was fine, but I was definitely aware of how all the treatment has affected me, and today I feel completely exhausted.

I say, as if me saying I'm exhausted is anything new! I know I've been repeating that same thing a lot lately, but it's because I do feel so tired so much of the time.

There isn't all that much to say about meeting up with this friend, really. I appreciated her company, but I also found it quite mentally taxing, because of all the brain stuff. I walked to the train station to meet her, and walked with her back to this holiday cottage, which felt disorienting and difficult; I wasn't able to walk back to the station with her though because I just didn't have the energy and my head felt so strange (I feel bad about making her walk back alone at like midnight, but both of us preferred that I didn't force myself). We talked for like ten hours, and I showed her VR, which she hadn't tried before, so that's always interesting, seeing that 'wow' response.

I also had her try Sindrel Song, since I was working on it when she arrived, and it seemed a good opportunity to actually watch someone testing it in person. She seemed interested in it beyond politeness, conceptually especially, and was able to pick up the basic mechanics well enough, though I did notice a few things I wasn't aware would be difficult for a naive player, which it was useful to make notes of. There's still a bit left to do before I start online testing (the main thing is that I need to write all the dialogue), but I'm getting there.

I noticed that my ability to listen attentively seemed impaired. Normally I listen carefully to what whoever I'm talking with is saying (I find poor listeners irritating, as I suppose most people do), but this time my mind kept wandering or becoming fuzzy. That's unfamiliar for me, so I hope it's something that corrects itself as I recover more. I've been feeling not all here consistently during these past few months, though maybe I've become used to it, and it become noteworthy again when it affected me like this.

My circadian rhythm has been oddly calibrated recently; I've been sleeping at like 8 or 9pm and waking at 4 or 5am. I wrote about this before, I think. I like it because it means I can get a lot done before the day even begins for many people, but since this friend stayed until about midnight, I cut into that normal sleeping period and am suffering for it now, despite sleeping in all the way until the tardy lateness of 8am. I feel so 'wiped out', to use the term the neurosurgeon used to describe how I'd be feeling for a whole year after the surgery.

While I'm glad I got to spend time with someone I know on a personal level, to have some ~deep conversation~ about lives, dreams, struggles, plans, etc, I'm also not exactly sad that she's gone. Not because of anything about her, but just because it all felt and feels so exhausting that it's easier to just quietly sit by myself doing stuff at my computer. Still, it's nice, I suppose, that I'm not completely alone for this period of my life. Probably. I have a very "I'm fine either with this or without it" attitude towards it all... Definitely not the neurotic clinginess I've had towards some other poor people I've got close to in the past. It's probably because, despite the desperate longing for companionship that used to consume me, I've never been attracted to her beyond friendship. When the instinctual desire for more than that floods the body with all kinds of chemicals, that can stir up so much toxic trouble for those of us whose minds are hardly healthy at the best of times.

I've spent the past few days being exhausted (have I ever mentioned that I'm feeling tired?) and doing little bits of work on Sindrel Song, when my mind's coherent enough to focus on anything. I'm writing the dialogue at the moment, and I've done it in such a way that I hope is satisfying from both gameplay and lore perspectives. I'll probably write a post soon summarising the game in its current state, and I'll aim to start testing not long after that.

I know I have other things I should be seeing to as well, but I'm focusing on Sindrel Song because it's easiest for me mentally, and because I want to get it out of the way as soon as possible. Well, that, and lots of resting and recuperating when I'm not capable of doing any more...