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Questioning Subjective Perspectives - But Not Now!

5 years ago1,245 words

I'm very curious about why we hold the beliefs and attitudes that we do; how they develop, how much they're influenced by our social affiliations and life experiences. Though now's hardly the best time for it with Sindrel Song's release coming so soon, at some point it might be interesting to write a bunch of shorter posts with specific hypothetical situations or questions, as that seems a good way to spark some interesting discussion.

I was supposed to have Sindrel Song ready for final testing by this point - or days ago, really - but I've been quite distracted these past few days by the mental storm the previous post - and the response to it - brought up. There's a whole lot I'd love to say about it all, it's been the main thing on my mind for days, and I've tried to write this post half a dozen times already, but it's probably best not to, at least not now, just before releasing this game!

I'm fascinated though by subjective beliefs and attitudes; how they form, why they are what they are, whether they could be different, how 'true' they are. They're different across cultures and through history, yet I imagine people within those times or cultures were convinced their worldview was moral and fair with as much conviction as we are about ours.

I'm aware that I'm in my bubble, out of touch with the rest of the world, and this seems to evoke sympathy and pity for me; apparently I'm just lost, ignorant, in need of educating and bringing into the light :). But the way I see it, as I don't have a social or employment group to calibrate my own attitudes to, this gives me the luxury to explore things from unconventional angles. I'm not political or religious either (I'm not a theist or an atheist, I'm not left-wing or right-wing, etc), so my understanding and moral attitudes are personally constructed rather than coming from existing frameworks. I've always been interested in writing openly about my internal and external experiences because I feel it's interesting to present what might be an unusual perspective.

Or at least that's how I've been trying to see it, after all the self-loathing of having failed or disappointed people subsided (which took a while). I'm aware this perception is strongly influenced and warped by the numerous crippling mental issues I clearly have, but it's an awful feeling, expressing something and having the whole rest of the group essentially pile on you, in agreement with one another in disagreeing with you. Have you ever been in that position? It certainly accentuates the feelings of Otherness that have pervaded my life.

I've always been motivated by a deep sense of compassion and a desire to share and understand experience (or, thinking back to the Fig Hunter days, I'm not sure about always... Maybe it's something that's come out more in recent years). While recently that's been quite explicit in the kind of work I've been making, in my less-refined mind it took the form of being a listener while oversharing about my own experiences, disliking violent games, and trolls, refusing to harm the smallest of insects, getting into psychology, etc. My answer to the hypothetical 'what superpower would you have?' question has for a while been an 'empathy beam', which I could fire at a criminal to have them experience exactly what their victim feels when they inflict themselves upon them. I've frequently told people I wished I could swap minds with them to truly know what their experience is like deep down; I really wish I could do that. I imagine this is something that'll motivate future projects; it's already inspired a few ideas over the years.

I wish it were possible for mistakes to be met with dialogue, a chance to understand and learn and grow, rather than punishment; I've always hated the thought of blocking or 'ghosting' or otherwise silencing people I dislike or disagree with or who've hurt me for this reason, and some of the stuff I touched on last time bothers me because of how much of human interaction is based on this condemnation of what's deemed wrong. But I suppose most people aren't as interested in being open or honest or growing from their mistakes?

Still, in an ideal world, I'd like to think that if someone hurt us, our response would be to talk about it in honest depth to try and resolve whatever issues evoked that behaviour. Perhaps people could grow more enlightened and deepen bonds rather than fracturing connections and creating lingering trauma. There's a troll who's been replying to these posts for ages, months or even years, and I really wish I could hear his genuine human story, know what I've done to make him want to do that. It's irritating that to share that would require from him a show of vulnerability that's unlikely to happen, unfortunately... But I'd rather have that attitude towards people acting in an undesirable way than just shutting them down, locking them away.

I never fantasise about beating people down, destroying them; about them getting their comeuppance. I fantasise about truly learning the other person's perspective, turning enemies into allies. I'm not good at that by any means, but I suppose that's my internal escapist superhero narrative. I hate the thought of hurting anyone.

Since it's fairly obvious my own views aren't exactly in line with the majority's, and I can't get into people's heads directly, asking specific questions is an idea that interests me. They'd be easier to respond to than my posts about games development, and I'd be very curious to see whether there'd be a clear consensus about some things, or whether others might present a take on taken-for-granted cultural attitudes that might not have been previously considered and which might be food for thought. In previous, much longer and more personal and emotive versions of this post, I found myself using a lot of these hypothetical situations, similes, metaphors, and questions, but there was an overwhelming amount of them, as is typical of my posts. I've got a list of them now though, which it'd be quicker, easier, and better for focused discussion to write separate, short posts about at some point. I'd be really interesting to see how people might reply.

But Sindrel Song is pretty much done now! I just need to replay it myself once more to check everything's in order, then I'll upload the next version, maybe tomorrow or the day after. I'll give the final testing a couple of weeks, maybe - it depends how long everything takes - and if any of you who've shown interest in testing but haven't done that yet still have that interest, I'll write more about how you can volunteer in the next post. It'd be useful to have some fresh new eyes to check how the changed version feels.

There are some other things relating to promotion etc that I need to sort out, so I'll be doing that once testing's underway (mental health's prevented me from replying to things or doing anything in this area, sorry about that).

So yes. As much as I'd like to dwell in this area a bit longer and explore some other perspectives, and the nature of belief and the world and culture we live in, I suppose it is wisest to focus on this game first!