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How are you, me?

9 years ago1,194 words

Losing my mind might not be such a bad thing, being the burden that it often is, but I don't feel I've got to that point just yet. One of the reasons I think I still have at least a tenuous grasp on my sanity is because I don't talk to myself out loud yet... But could it be that I should? I've been thinking and reading about this, and it does seem that talking aloud to yourself can have certain psychological benefits.

I'm used to spending most of my time alone, trapped in my head. While uni classes and the company of my few friends have kept me active and distracted for the last few weeks, it's currently the Easter break, and I'm almost at the end of the first of three weeks I'll be spending mostly alone. At first I wasn't lonely - I was enjoying getting a lot of personal work done, actually - but I feel I'm getting to the point now where I need some way of preventing myself from, well, going mad.

I'm also very aware that there are a lot of things that I simply avoid doing - even though I need and/or want to do them - because being stuck in my head with no external factors pushing me in any direction leads to stagnation in my comfort zone.

I've known for a long time that (for certain types of people, at least) turning your inner thoughts into external words - either by talking to a friend or counsellor or by writing in a diary, journal or blog - can help you process those thoughts a lot better, to come to realisations you might not have otherwise been aware were there, to simply get things off your chest and find relief from them, and to have greater confidence to do what you might not otherwise do. It's the biggest reason I've started this blog.

Though writing does help, it's only a small step up from the inner dialogue and as such has limited usefulness, I've found. Talking is better... but only if you're listened to. Even if you have someone who'll offer to be there for you, many people aren't good listeners, so talking out your thoughts to them might just lead to frustration rather than anything positive, if they respond with criticism, advice, interruptions of stories of their own, or simply don't seem to be paying all that much attention.

But who could be a better, more attentive and interested listener to your words than you yourself? We're all at least a bit narcissistic, and would prefer to talk than to listen, so why not just talk aloud to yourself?

I've spent a lot of time recently reading about the way the brain works, how it's connected to the mind, how our actual conscious selves are the tiniest tip of the iceberg that is our inner worlds. It makes a lot of sense, then, that activating different areas of the brain via vocalisation might result in a sort of catharsis that you just wouldn't get if you were to ruminate silently.

I've known people who say they talk aloud to themselves, almost as if it's the most natural thing in the world, and I've always envied them for it! I wish I could do the same, but I'm always paranoid about being overheard. I know for a fact that I'm alone in these halls of residence at the moment, and that even if I were to scream, nobody would hear me... But the idea of keeping quiet, not being a bother, avoiding being judged is so deeply ingrained that it feels like a titanic effort even to try to whisper to myself. Which I recognise is ridiculous.

I think I'd feel better about it if I were talking for some purpose, rather than just sitting there madly muttering to myself. I'm going to start a (probably private) audio journal for this reason, I think; if I record myself talking, somehow it doesn't seem so weird? Odd how my mind comes to that conclusion, especially since other people might consider it more weird!

I'm still struggling to overcome the inner barrier though, the one that says "SHOULD I do this? Is it a good idea?". And since the point of this blog was to have a place to gather research that counters my fears and inhibitions to encourage me to overcome them, I'll use this post to do just that.

I just searched a bit for "talking to yourself out loud". The first result is a thing about schizophrenia. Hmm. Other results, though, seem to suggest that this self-talking is relatively common and actually beneficial.

∞ This ∞, ∞ this ∞, and ∞ this ∞ speak of psychological studies that show that saying the name of an object aloud allows you to find it more easily while searching, as if it's evidence to support the benefits of outer monologues in general... While it seems flimsy to me, like it wouldn't necessarily suggest the other purported benefits of talking aloud to yourself, I suppose it does show that such talking does indeed engage a different part of the brain, and those particular processes could very well have many benefits.

∞ Here ∞, a person asks a psychologist whether talking to themselves aloud is normal or not. The (rather cold) response says it's fine as long as the person isn't talking to invisible leprechauns about the lizard changelings in charge of the government or whatever, while implying that it's not okay by suggesting that 'replacement behaviours' should be adopted instead. I feel that's fairly dismissive, and recognising that I feel that way makes me aware that I'm already sold on the idea of talking to myself and don't really need further convincing.

I'm sure it'll feel very unnatural for me to talk to myself out loud, and I doubt I'll be able to do it without being embarrassed (just writing about it here makes me feel embarrassed because I feel it's an odd thing to announce that I'm planning to do), but I want to at least give it a try. So I will, and I'll report back here in a few days to say whether or not it's helped!

Writing this post helped me muster up the courage to try talking aloud alone at all, so I imagine it will help at least a bit.

(I also just read the whole thing aloud to myself, and while it felt very strange indeed, it wasn't unenjoyable, and I felt my mind switching gears, into a different mode; the more confident and capable me that I am when I'm with others, as opposed to the significantly more ineffectual me who's trapped in my mind when I'm alone. Having something to read aloud rather than generating thoughts as I spoke seemed to be a good way to get started, but let's see where I can go with this from here...)