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I`m Broken! Buy My Game!

5 years ago1,778 words

I'm (still) taking forever to do the promotional stuff for Sindrel Song, due to my various mental illnesses. I've set up a page for the game, on which I talk about my backstory as a developer in some detail, but I wonder if I'm going in the right direction with it.

Well, it's Captain America's Birthday - which I as a British person celebrate wholeheartedly by gunning down the English or whatever it is Americish people do - and Sindrel Song's still not out yet. Even though I was aiming to have it released by the start of this month. But is anyone remotely surprised??

The game's actually done, but now I'm (still!) having to figure out how to actually go about releasing it. It's been taking a while largely due to depression, which has hit me hard recently; it's been a huge struggle just to not lie in bed all day. So I've not been doing nearly as much work as I'd like, but even doing little bits every day feels like a huge achievement.

By 'work', I mean I'm having to set up things like a press kit that portrays Sindrel Song in such a way that journalists, youtubers, streamers, or whatever might be interested in playing it, to get exposure. Certainly not my comfort zone at all. I might have talked about this in the previous post, where I included some text that I felt adequately summarised the game. Thanks to those who provided feedback about that, and sorry for not replying (as usual, sigh).

Since then, I've made this page: ∞ sindrelsong.com ∞

Originally it was set up to include only that small (for me anyway) bit of text from the previous post, so then I could show it to potential press people, but it's evolved into something else. I've set up a separate press kit with an even snappier version, using a template that other indie developers apparently use for that purpose, and I've changed this sindrelsong.com page to include a more detailed account of me as a person and why I'm making games.

This is something that I've been wanting to write out for a while anyway, to explain to fans of my old work and new people why I'm doing what I'm doing... But I don't know, should I even be writing something like this about myself at all?

I suppose I do so because part of my particular mental condition is obsessing over and trying to understand my own mind, and I'm fascinated by psychology in general, so since I find that interesting, there's the assumption that other people might find it interesting too. I know I personally would find a creative work more compelling if I knew about the human behind it, and I'm not the only one, otherwise we wouldn't have people devoting their lives to describing the lives of people like Mozart, Newton, and so on. Not that some obscure games developer is equivalent to them obviously, but it seems that sharing personal history is a common thing for indie games, at least from what little I've read? And Sindrel Song is very much built around these kinds of experiences, so it feels more relevant than if it was some plotless puzzle game (if that were the case, I could have done all this in a day and there'd be no reason to stress about how to present it). It's why I've already included the (i) thing in the game itself.

I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing, though.



One of the biggest reasons I wrote it out is because I'm trying to figure out exactly 'who I am'. The person I want to be going forward; what my work will represent, how I want to be seen by others, my role in this world, that kind of thing. I'm probably thinking about it too much considering that what I'm doing is hardly world-changing and not many people are likely to care about me anyway, but I suppose it's ultimately rooted in this mental illness, and things like this are an attempt to understand and hopefully tame it.

I hold many negative beliefs about myself, and much of my depression stems from this. I feel like I'm a socially inept failure, a loser, a monster. I cringe at old memories every day, not of me being hurt - or offended - by others, but of me in some way hurting them, even if that's just causing mild discomfort and awkwardness by saying something that veers away from the normal social script. I'm aware I'm poorly socialised and lack real experience dealing with others; that my behaviour and beliefs have been odd - even hurtful to others - as a result. Every day, several times, out of nowhere, I find myself muttering "I'm sorry" under my breath, to people from my past or to the world in general; I'm sorry for being who I am, for being so broken. For *being* at all! I feel like my mind's been a mess all my life, and my mistakes and the pain they've caused others mean I deserve to be locked away, or put to death.

Not the workings of a well-adjusted mind, clearly.

(I can't comprehend people who commit actual crimes or bully others and feel pleasure, or nothing, no remorse... Or people who dismiss others' pain, knowingly. So alien to me, since my whole world is coloured by deep shame.)

Obviously a big part of that comes from this mental disorder, which is super sensitive to negative evaluation. It's been in overdrive recently because I've been thinking of new eyes that might be directed at me, digitally at least, and I'm afraid they'll discover that I'm a horrible creature and will hate me and try to destroy me and I'll deserve it anyway and all this other insane stuff that the demon within comes up with. It's hard to smoothly do this release stuff with a hopeful smile with all this going on inside.

It's so different to when I released games way back during my school days, where I'd had so few experiences in general... I was so naive; I just thought it was fun to upload some inanely fun fantasy games I'd made, so I did. I suppose culture was different back then too, less about public condemnation.

My very negative self image, like all beliefs, is something that's built up from accumulated evidence and life experience. It can't easily be dispelled or simply changed, much as an atheist can't just decide to truly - at the core of their being - believe that Mbombo the White Giant vomited up the world and now loves them, even though that might help them feel better. (If only it was as simple as ∞ "stop being depressed" ∞!)

That's how I've been in my reality for a long while now, but by staying on that dark path, I'll get nowhere good. Now, when I'm having to think about how best to 'sell myself' and my story so then I can earn money from the creation that's emerged from it, seems like a good time to rethink how I see myself, how I want to be seen, so as hopefully to continue doing this rather than giving up and hiding away from the world, as I have an urge to every day.



I'm very open to impressions about the text on the sindrelsong.com page. It's aimed at the sorts of people who'd take enough of an interest to (for example) support me on Patreon, not for the passing masses, but perhaps there are bits that are interesting to me but not others, that are irrelevant? Maybe it's the kind of story that scares people off rather than inspiring them to buy the game or support me. I mean I'd like to think it's a bit unusual if nothing else, and the whole 'making this to overcome cancer and mental illness' thing could be the kind of thing that'd make the game remarkable, inspire empathy, but maybe it sounds less like that and more like I give up with things and I'm only reluctantly doing this because I don't have a choice. I don't know; I know I worry way more about the specifics than anyone else would because I'm me and other people aren't.

Personally, I hate and feel terrible as a result of reading about people's amazing lives on Facebook - I avoid it for this reason - but have been most drawn to people when reading about their struggles and failures. I like reading things like ∞ this subreddit ∞ because I feel less like the only one struggling with stupid things. But I get the feeling that the usual expectation is to seem impressive and amazing and I'm probably not doing that in what I've written about myself.

I know I'm worrying way too much about this. But if I were to describe my life in a sentence, that'd probably be it! Except when I worried about having a brain tumour for years and then it turned out that I actually had a brain tumour. Maybe I didn't worry enough!!



Oh, I also need to do a proper trailer; the video currently on the page is from an older version, and it only shows Course's song. I've been working on one, but it takes ages, and I've been having issues with things like audio syncing and the video editing program (Lightworks) lagging on my computer, which is a pain. It's also a skill in itself, making videos, and not one that I've practised; I wonder how other indie developers go about making trailers themselves. I'm hoping to have at least something done soon though; I can always redo it if I need to.

So yes, this is taking forever, due to my various obvious mental illnesses, but the hard part is breaking out of this years-long bubble and getting into the public eye again, even if it's only in a small way. When I've established a course, it'll be much easier to continue on with it for future projects. Or at least that's the plan.



Also: I'm not accepting beta tester requests anymore, because I gave a few people keys and they never gave any feedback, which is annoying. The game's done now anyway. I'm also aware of the talk about some MARDEK IV fan project; I don't want to get into that now, so here's my opinion about it: "hmm".