PERSONAL

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3,207

Terrible Time

8 years ago1,804 words

I think too much about all the wasted opportunities of my past, and the bleakness of my future. This isn't wise! But it's so alluring when your present's so empty, and when society has so many time-bound milestones you're expected to achieve. How much am I too old for already?

I feel as if the last week or so has passed me by entirely; I spent much of it so fatigued that I could barely think, getting little done. I don't know whether it's due to my sleeping times, my diet, lifestyle factors, depression, or a combination of all of the above, but I'm trying to work on all of those as much as the fatigue will allow me.

I'm back at home now, in my parents' house. I'm also 28. These two things are getting to me.

It's not as if I'm in the childhood home I grew up in or anything. My mother and step-dad have only been in this house for three or four years - if that - so I'm not exactly reminded of my childhood with my father in England or my teenage years spent in Australia. I also barely see my parents, and look after myself; it's not as if we're having family meals or my mother's giving me baths or anything like that. It just bothers me that my culture has conditioned me to feel shame about taking advantage of my parents' kindness and support rather than living in squallor and isolation just so I can say I'm not dependent.

I'm here for practical reasons, but those practical reasons are sad. I can't afford to live alone because I have no 'normal job' and the money I make from my games stuff is well below minimum wage (though I'm very grateful of what I do get, knowing it's mostly due to the support of people who care about what I do; it's more 'spiritually' motivating than working some menial job just to pay the bills). I also don't have anyone to live with... I've always hoped I'd move in with someone whose company I enjoyed, but... well.

I always assume that I'm so deeply unhappy because I get so little human contact, because I don't venture out into the world or have people who will (or can) check up on me beyond rare text messages. I was just reading ∞ this article ∞ though (again from Cracked), which - while written for a comedy site - I suspect probably reflects the author's actual life at least to some degree. She seems to be around my age and single, experiencing all the depression that comes along with missing the ship that everyone else caught ages ago... But she has a roommate, friends, exes, dates. More than me.

Perhaps having many friends of a similar age, and watching them find what you don't have, is worse psychologically than being a complete hermit. I'm scared of Facebook because of the photos of happy couples, but at least I don't have to endure- wait, no, I do have to endure the thought that my only two friends do have relationships (one stable, the other many), and that does get to me. Especially since they're younger than me. Hmm.

Anyway. Though reading articles like that makes me feel less alone, certain things in it got to me because they make me sharply aware of the obstacles this failure to find someone presents... In particular, the author mentioned that it feels hopeless finding someone her age 'with a job' who's actually interested in her, without having to 'settle'.

One of my biggest fears is ending up with an overweight divorcee. Shallow, I know, but I'm not going to lie and pretend otherwise. It isn't that I want a supermodel or anything; just someone slim without children. But even that feels like asking too much, like being too picky, having too high standards, though it shouldn't. For a woman, though, I imagine it'd be equally distressing to end up with a guy who's never had a job and who still lives at home. Someone like me.

It's one of the biggest reasons I don't even try the whole 'dating' thing (well, probably the biggest is because I've never done it and I'm too anxious - another off-putting trait, I'm sure - but I'd hate to just disappoint someone). I know I'm not what someone around my age would want, at all.

I feel 'lucky' in that older men with younger women tends to be less taboo than vice versa... and because of that, I keep hoping I'll find someone younger who's not yet married with children. But at what point does an age gap become creepy?

There's a 'rule' or 'law' or something that I can't remember the name of which has been popularised on the internet to address this (I think xkcd either mentioned or invented it?), which says that it's fine as long as the younger partner's age isn't less than half the older one's plus seven. So a 16-year-old with a 15-year-old is okay, but with a 14-year-old, it's creepy. A 20-year-old's minimum is a 17-year-old. A 28-year-old's is a 21-year-old...

Here at university, I'm surrounded by 18-year-olds, and honestly there is the hope that I'll end up with one of them. If I had the power to manipulate the universe, to create a 'designer partner', I wouldn't choose someone this young, but it's more about sharing a stage of life; I feel that since I never went to university or work after school, I don't understand the real/adult world at all, and people who are in the same environment now can relate to that more than people who've been living in it for years, who'd only look down on me.

It is interesting though how the age thing has come up during my time at university so far. Both of my two friends had boyfriends several years older than themselves. One got together with her 22-year-old boyfriend when she was 16, and a 30-year-old guy when she was 18 (late last year). While she was put off by the age difference in the second case - mostly because of the comments of others - she went on to call him the love of her life. The other's been with her boyfriend for maybe three or four years now, which I think is about the number of years between their ages. I've also heard stories from my mother about a recently-married couple she's acquainted with, where the guy is 40 and the girl is 20, and I've read similar stories on apps where people talk about relationships etc.

I know that people much younger are more 'immature' and so on, but it's not as if I know of anywhere that attracts people in their early-to-mid twenties... Or even if there was such a place, the chances of them settling down seem much higher. I think a lot of people at university are around that age - they outnumber the 18-year-olds - and I'd probably meet some through the clubs and societies here when I join some in October. I know that I went to a mindfulness group at the university last year which seemed to mostly attract third-years and postgraduates who were in their twenties... but they all seemed so much older than I feel, because they'd had so much more life experience than me. And it's not like I can get that experience instantly; it takes time.

People I've met have assumed I'm younger than I am, and I never want to correct them... I'm becoming increasingly concerned though, as my hairline recedes; I keep having to wear a hat to hide it. I feel as if I'm living some kind of lie, doing something taboo... But what are my options, anyway?

I'm intending to pursue Psychology for as far as I can take it, and I get the feeling that I probably will make some kind of a career out of it. I got a letter the other day telling me I'd got an award for doing the best in my exams out of all the first year psychology students, so that's nice. It feels a bit embarrassing though... Like a grown man being told he's the 'strongest in the playground' or something. There are people on my course my age or older, I know that, but still.

Even if I pursue this to the point where I can get a meaningful job out of it, it'll still take me years to get to that point. Two more to finish this degree, then maybe another one or two for a master's, then I intend to pursue a PhD after that... I'm hoping I'll meet people along the way that I connect with, but I'm just dreading that I'll be rejected - romantically if not as a friend - because I'm older.

It seems that the lecturers/researchers - the ones who made something of their psychology degree - mostly started their degree course around my age, which I find interesting. I suppose several years of a hard life struggling with your own mind might draw people - like them and me - to psychology with more of a motivating reason than the school-leavers who picked it without truly knowing what they wanted to do. I don't know anything about their personal lives, though; perhaps they were married when they started the degree? (Actually, I do know that one was 27 before she had her first ever relationship... so that's interesting.)

It's pointless though to focus on the uncertain future, or on past mistakes. Both only lead to unnecessary despair, because the past can't be changed and the future doesn't exist outside our heads. Why suffer as if it's real when it's nothing more than an illusion?

It's why spirituality - or at least the Buddhist stuff - is all about focusing on the present moment, just enjoying what you have now without fear of what might come next... But if you do that and neglect any plans for the future, then you might just end up stuck on the same track forever. So I feel I need to think about it at least a bit; to think about what my options are, at least (and there are few at the moment).

For now, I'm trying to work on this game, Soulmate. Trying to use my skills to build something that might help me - and perhaps even others - psychologically, and which might earn me some money. Though I can't imagine many women would be wowed or woo'd by me telling them I'd made some game - no matter how popular it might be - at least it'd be better than saying I'd done nothing at all.