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Same Old, Just Venting (EDITED)

5 years ago1,346 words

Have you ever liked any games because they dealt with deeper themes? Or is the appeal of games entirely about escapism?

I've been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster regarding Sindrel Song recently. My PR person got me in contact with the publisher Armor Games about a month ago, but I got so distracted with the whole MARDEK/Belief stuff and mental illness that I never got back to them. I got a nudge from them again yesterday though, showing there's some interest there, so I've written a reply that I intend to send...

But I haven't yet, because while there's a lot that I like about the game, I'm also having such doubts about it. Largely it's just the creative type's curse to be so self-critical; some famous creators have destroyed all their old work because they loathed it so much, despite others' love for it. It's just par for the course, comes with the territory.

I'd be lying though if I said the trolls' discouragement wasn't exacerbating that. I don't understand minds like that. Are they immune to guilt? Do they feel guilty about nothing, or are some things just categorised in their minds as justifiable to be an arsehole about? Is not making MARDEK IV a crime worthy of punishment in their eyes? I'd love to know what they're doing with their lives beyond talking down to an obscure cancer-riddled nutjob because he's not making a childish game from over a decade ago. I bet they're all doctors.

I know things like that bother me more than they should, especially since it's not as if I'm inundated with such comments (these days). I suppose it's mostly a case of negative comments triggering past trauma, or fretting about getting more of the same in an imagined future. Perhaps like how an abuse victim might react very badly to a hand placed on their shoulder, or break down at the slightest criticism. The actual action is innocuous or mild, and the reaction is out of proportion, but it's because they're reacting to an avalanche of unseen internal stuff instead of just that specific thrown stone.

I've had my own doubts anyway, though, and I suppose they've been flaring up the more I've looked into other games that are popular and thought about what people actually want from games.

Sindrel Song was built sort of out of necessity, to cope with potential memory loss and because my mental health issues were killing me. It was cathartic to make, and I enjoyed it a lot throughout development. I hoped others might see something in it as well.

Now, I don't know. I was in a bubble when I made that, and hadn't really played any other games in years, especially indies. Now that I'm looking into them a bit more, most of what I see is either lighthearted or aggressive. Some seem to be enjoyed because they feature quirky casts of appealing, upbeat characters who are a joy to spend time with, like inoffensive friends. Others revolve around darkness as things you, as the hero, can kill, or as some kind of physical threat like a monster or trap or puzzle that you have to escape or overcome. I'm not familiar with anything that explores mental issues or personal value in the unusual way that Sindrel Song does, blending genuine struggle with absurdism.

But are you? Do you appreciate this kind of thing from games? Would anyone? Would I, if I hadn't made it?

I've been falling further into depression again recently, and it's been unpleasant playing Sindrel Song because all I notice are problems. I like things, but I have a very negative image of "Other People" as a collective, and I imagine that image criticising, mocking, rejecting every little thing. I wonder how many people who actually do criticise like that are in the grip of their own demons, seeing problems much as I did through the black lens of depression. People without those dark glasses would see things in a different light, either accepting things as they are, or, if they're not interested, moving on without comment rather than trying to destroy what they disapprove of. Or maybe that's just not right at all.

I know I've been repeating myself a lot for ages and it probably gets tiring - it certainly gets tiring for me - but I think I'll be caught in this spiral of doubt and uncertainty and negative assumptions until I finally get the thing out. Hopefully that'll be soon, now that I'm actually making progress.



Also, I feel my mind slipping further away from sanity with each day. Spending too much time alone would do that to anyone. I have no social contact to calibrate my thoughts or feelings or behaviours to. It's concerning. The things I post here are probably strange. This isn't the first time I've said this. Maybe it's a product of the depression.

I also struggle to make decisions by myself if they'll potentially lead to a serious social mistake. I follow my own desires when making things like games or blog posts without any issues, but I'm posting repeatedly about things like this because there's this deep feeling that I need someone's approval before I can move forward with anything. I suspect it's largely about sharing the weight of blame; if something goes badly, then if it's not 100% my fault, it's easier to bear? Something like that? And negative bias means I assume failure or embarrassment as an outcome, and as such 'need' someone to help shoulder that blame.

But at the same time, one of the things making me reluctant about contacting this publisher is because I fear the game going badly, and them getting dragged into it, which I wouldn't want.



Anyway, I'm mentally ill. Have you ever noticed that? Some people open up about their previously secret mental health issues, and the (heart-having) majority responds with curious support, surprised and inspired by how brave they're being. With me, it's probably so blindingly obvious that I'm not right in the head that it's neither surprising nor brave for me to talk about it. Or maybe I've just talked about it so much that it's become part of my surface identity. Hmm.

I'll repeat what I had at the start, because I am curious about this:

Have you ever liked any games because they dealt with deeper themes? Or is the appeal of games entirely about escapism?



EDIT: I just finished a playthrough of Sindrel Song, which I started feeling doubtful, afraid, critical and generally negative. Towards the end, these feelings melted into warm appreciation, AWE EVEN, though it sounds narcissistic to be impressed by my own work probably, especially if others wouldn't feel the same. There are some bits of writing towards the end that I feel really proud of - specifically the conversations with Course, with Remedy and Duhrge before the final song, with Hearth before and after his song, and with Hammer at the end. They're mostly optional, though, and very deep into the game, so I wonder how many people would even see them.

I also find the gameplay inherently enjoyable, though it's got to the point of proficiency now where I play the songs without consciously noticing them. It's a whole different experience if you're still learning, I know.

It leaves me wishing for more, wanting to make a sequel... I really hope that others will stick with it for long enough to get this feeling themselves, not because of how that'd benefit me, but because it's a wonderful feeling I want to share with others.

Overall, I think it's the kind of experience you need to be invested in to get a lot out of it, but thinking back to any game I've played, it always goes like this. Confusion, critique and scepticism at the start, which is replaced by a fond embrace I don't want to release once I've spent a few hours with it.

So yes, that's changed my mood and given me hope!