PERSONAL

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12 months since brain surgery

5 years ago1,563 words

Exactly one year ago, I had major surgery on my brain to remove (most of) the tumour at its core. I'm still alive, but the significance of the date makes me reflective about what's happened - or hasn't - since then...

I was so afraid before the surgery that I'd no longer be me, that I'd lose some important cognitive functions that'd either mean I couldn't do creative stuff anymore, or even that I'd lose more basic functionality like memory or vision or control of my bowels or whatever other horrible thing. Even minor brain injuries can cause catastrophic effects if specific bits are compromised.

Thankfully, that hasn't happened, and most of the issues I did have following the surgery have been fading or are long since gone. For the most part, I feel like I did before. I think, though it's so hard to know, since it's not as if I can directly compare the two. All that's really lingering now is the fatigue, but even that comes and goes.

But I'm not exactly in a good place in life. Or rather, it could be worse, but I've got no long-term stability at all. I've been living with my parents since the surgery, and I still don't have the income to move out. I've been working on games to try and earn something even if I can't go out and do 'normal' work, but, well.

I made Sindrel Song out of necessity. I was afraid of losing my memory, so I made a game about memory to try and prevent that. I don't know exactly whether Sindrel Song was the causal factor, but my memory still works as it used to, so it's possible. I know though that it's the sort of thing that'd have limited appeal. It's not as if I was a businessman trying to appeal to demographics in order to maximise profits.

(Sindrel Song didn't take 12 months to make, by the way. I started in late December/early January, and finished maybe a couple of months ago, so it took around 8, and that's with the way more severe effects of the surgery and radiotherapy in the way.)

I'm currently waiting for a reply from a publisher, Armor Games, though it's been a few days. I don't know if they'll say yes, or whether their help would even necessarily get me many more sales than I could get if I self-published (some of their other published games - the stranger ones - only have a handful of reviews). All I can really do is wait and see.

I've been thinking a lot this past year about what to do with my life, and I wish I was more sure than I am. I've thought about getting into something related to psychology or neuroscience, but it feels like something I'd have to force myself to do and might not even be all that competent at... if I'd even qualify at all, as a 31-year-old with no official employment history at all. I've never even had a part-time job! No, I've just essentially done the jobs of a whole team of people by myself from my bedroom because I'm insane... I've had a passion for creating things since my teens, I've spent a lot of time and energy developing my creative skills, and I've already produced some things that show I can do something there. It's also something I'm drawn to all the time, and I think that even if I had a 'normal job', I'd end up spending all my free time making things anyway.

So I want to continue being an ~artist~. It's just that making sporadic or no money seems to come with that territory. It takes a long time to make a game, and whether or not it even succeeds is based on all kinds of factors that can't all be predicted or controlled for.

It's also become clear that my motivations are different to those of the average gamer. I see game development as an artistic medium, better than others because it combines so many aspects that others can't. You can't see or hear the world in a book, you can't control a film or an animation, there are no clear characters in a piece of music. There's an enormous amount of potential in stories with visuals and sound that you directly interact with.

Personally I'm really proud of Sindrel Song and see it as a huge accomplishment, all things considered... I just wish it were easier to get it out to the people who'd get the most out of it instead of just getting hur-hur'd about by people it was never going to appeal to anyway.

I've been doing some more planning for Belief, my next game that I've talked about a few times, and I've got some ideas I think are really interesting, and which I want to explore. I'm aware though that it's not exactly generating enthusiastic and unanimous interest, and that most of the people who are aware of me would rather I devote months to appealing directly to their nostalgia with no surprises, which isn't exactly motivating. I feel I just have to push through that.

I've also composed a few pieces of music these past few weeks. Not many, but it's nice to get back into that after years producing nothing, especially since one of the effects after the surgery was that music sounded strange to me, and I wondered whether I'd be able to make more or even enjoy my old stuff. I'm really happy with what I've been making, too, especially since I'm reaching some personal milestones like feeling more comfortable with and knowledgeable about how to use chords deliberately, and having piano pieces of mine that I can actually play. I've been wondering whether to upload these to Soundcloud, but I'm also aware that we mostly like music because of associated memories and the feelings they bring, and people wouldn't have any connection with my random tunes so there's no compelling reason to care about them. Still, maybe I'll share them for the handful of people who might be mildly curious, at some point.

More negatively, while I don't have any persistent cognitive defects exactly, I do still have persistent trauma every day from my time at university. I just woke up from a nightmare about that actually, which isn't rare, though mostly the horrible, cringe-inducing thoughts come to me during the day, triggered by all kinds of things. It's not even based on one single event either, it's a bunch of different ones all caused by my brokenness, and there's nobody to blame but myself. I was both the victim and the villain. And I do blame myself all the time, and it's hard, especially since it's not as if I have supportive or positive interactions in person anymore. At least not the kind I need.

I've given up any hope of ever finding a partner, as I've said before, and I'm alright with that. I feel like it wouldn't be fair to inflict this mind on anyone in the long term, and I don't seem to have much in the way of a libido anymore anyway so I'm not even motivated by the mating instinct anymore. That's probably depression as much as anything.

But then what future awaits me? Just sitting inside alone every day, never seeing anyone? It's embarrassing to be living with my parents currently (because it makes me a loser etc etc), but it at least means I see other humans for a moment every so often, at least one of whom loves me despite my many crippling issues. So in that sense, it's not all bad, still living here.

When I say - or even think - things like that, I imagine people getting irritated at me; "I have to work 12 hours every day just to get by, so who are you to speak as if you're struggling with anything if you're just leeching off your parents??". All I can really think to say to that is that there are many paths to misery, and that I'd happily trade lives with such a person if I could. They'd probably want to trade back quite quickly. Work might be a struggle, but it gives life meaning, and without that meaning, it's harder to feel like you should keep going. I can't imagine many people would envy a criminal trapped in solitary confinement just because he doesn't have to sit in an office working with spreadsheets every day (or whatever it is real people even do).

I know I've said pretty much all of this before - some of it several times - but I want to be able to look back on this in another 12 months and see whether my situation's actually even changed. If I'm saying the same next year, then I'll need to think about a change of course, but it seems a shame not to use the skills and ideas I have, at least to see what becomes of them. For now, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, see how it goes.

I'll write about my new ideas for Belief tomorrow. Ideally, that game shouldn't take too long to make, once I get started in earnest (rather than buggering around for weeks because I'm not sure what I'm doing...).