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Exposure!

5 years ago - Edited 5 years ago2,304 words

Memody: Sindrel Song is out now. The previous post is a quick announcement of that; this is a more in-depth ramble about my feelings related to it.

I'm not really feeling all that much at all. When I released on Kartridge months ago, there was a lot of anxious build-up, expecting much more of a response than it actually got. I still got some anxiety this morning, but since pressing the Release button, I've not been stressed about it at all really. Mostly I'm just tired. This whole thing's dragged on a while.

Maybe it'll pick up as America's evening comes, or over the weekend, or maybe it'll slowly gain traction over the coming months, but I doubt it. A couple of months ago, I wrote ∞ a post about a random indie game I saw announced on Reddit's r/gaming. ∞ I've not actually played the game, still, but I kept its store page open in a tab out of curiosity, to see whether the interest would grow over time or not. It didn't; the amount of reviews it has now is about the same as the amount it had on the day I found it. Release week is everything, probably.

Which is a shame, since I can't imagine I'll be doing anything to promote it. I'll be lucky if it manages to beat Kartridge in sales (it has 24 on there; wow, like 6 I think since release week!!!).

I have been getting a bunch of emails from people asking for free access keys though. Here's an example:



Or they say they're 'curators' rather than Twitch streamers. I keep wanting to reply with something like:



But I can't imagine it'd go down well, so I'm just not replying at all.

Here's the end bit of another:



Something about that suggests any kind of recommendation they might provide might not be all that appropriate for this game, though I can't quite put my finger on it, hmmmmm.

When I released on Kartridge, I got a few emails like this, and thought wow, opportunities! I should take these or I'll regret it! So I gave out a bunch of keys. Some weren't even claimed, and none of them resulted in anything that was of any benefit to me. I read into it a bit, and a lot of other indie developers had been similarly hopeful and trusting, only to see their freely-given gifts resold, unused, or maybe if they were lucky they got a couple of 200-view videos in which a couple of minutes of the game (without any mention of its title) appeared sandwiched between political rants or something.

It's awful, since it's not as if indie developers are raking in the cash (except in very rare cases). It's so predatory, and I wonder how these people justify it to themselves. Do they feel that they're so important they shouldn't have to pay?

Perhaps in theory these 'influencer' types could inspire sales, or at least that seems to be the widely-held idea, but I wonder how often this kind of exposure actually does benefit the developers. I read a post on r/gamedev where someone said that even if you strike it big and get one of the top youtubers/streamers playing your game, getting millions of views, maybe around 2000 of them - at best - would convert into actual sales. That's not a negligible amount, but I suspect that the amount of conversions from a much more obscure video maker would be. It just doesn't seem worth the stress and effort.

I can't imagine a stream in particular helping conversion. If people are watching the game in that format, they're probably not going to buy it because they've already seen it. It's like someone asking for a copy of a film to show to his friends, saying 'they might buy the (whatever they use instead of DVDs now) later!'

It's not a million miles away from designers ∞ commonly complaining about clients asking them to do free work because it'll give them 'exposure' ∞, as if that's worth the time it takes.



So what, then? Do I turn down all these wonderful offers and get no 'exposure' at all? It feels like if someone really cares about helping out the developer and believes their own videos will do well, they'd just pay for the thing. $10 is nothing. If you need the game for free, why? Are you not expecting to gain anything from what you make? I keep wanting to ask them that too (but don't).

But how else are games even promoted? I've been thinking for the past few days that maybe I could at least post on r/gamedev or something, where a lot of people in a similar position congregate, but it seems they're all trying to promote their own games rather than looking at anyone else's, and there are actually rules in place to prevent sharing your own games for this reason. So that's not really an option. I've no idea where else I could even talk about it. How do people even find obscure indie games?

I mean, anxiety definitely gets in the way, but mostly it's just not knowing where to promote.

Though I also feel very conflicted about Sindrel Song as a project. I like what I did with it, and I consider the creation process and the end result valuable. But it's fairly obvious that it's not widely appealing, that it's frustrating or weird or just not the kind of fun most people would enjoy. So I don't want to inflict that on others, especially if it'd lead to painful criticism. I don't really want to expose it too clearly to the daggers of the masses.



The 'story' - though I don't really think of it as a story as such - of MSS was largely inspired by my experiences with Avoidant Personality Disorder. That's also what gets in the way of promoting it, and makes me not want to 'inflict it on others', out of fear of criticism.

Last night, I looked at the subreddit for this disorder, ∞ r/AvPD ∞, after avoiding it for weeks after someone suggested it to me. It's disappointingly small, at least compared to the huge communities, though I suppose it's not smaller than Fig Hunter was, back when I felt that was a thriving community. Interesting, that; mice are tiny to elephants, but gargantuan compared to most creatures on the planet.

I mention this because the posts on there definitely resonate with me. We all do seem to have essentially the same thing. If you've read my blog for a while and wondered what exactly this AvPD thing is, what it's like to live with it, or it's seemed baffling or alien to you, I'd recommend having a look at that, even just spending a few seconds skimming through the titles of the top few best posts this past month, or all time. There are a lot of parallels between what people say there and what I've said here.

Differences too, though. Many of them have jobs and families, which I've never managed to acquire. But many also talk about having done nothing with their lives, so what I've managed to make might seem either impressive or irritating to them, even if I also feel I've done nothing - or am doing nothing - with mine. A recurring theme is being scared to speak honestly about their feelings or experiences, to share, which is something I do too much. Their filters and shells are too thick, mine are paper thin, if even there at all. Both lead to issues in different ways. They don't let anyone close, and feel alone. I get too close and drive people away, and feel alone.

I was surprised by the number of people in their mid-30's or older, who see the world and their place in it much the same way I see mine. Being wrong, different, not meant for this world; suicide's the inevitable outcome, it's just a matter of when, not if. Five more years? Ten? The simple pleasures of others are inaccessible; everyone just knows how to be human in a way they - we - seemingly don't. They mentioned trying again and again to overcome their problems, only to find themselves back where they started every time, and now they're just too tired. I've been there. I am there now.

Maybe you're thinking reading things like this is bad for me because it'd just encourage hopeless thinking. O woe is me! What's the point of it all! But reading it all inspired a kind of determination. I don't want to still be like this several years from now, still held back by the same problems. I don't want to resign myself to a life of stacking shelves or living on benefits because I let the years pass me by, hiding away, possessed by these damn demons. I feel I need to read things like that more often so then I'm inspired to try to do something about it!

After reading something about neglecting social connections, I messaged a couple of people I suppose are friends, but who I haven't spoken to in a while. A little thing, but something. Neither have replied yet; maybe I waited too long and the bridges rotted away. This is a recurring theme people talk about in that community, too; delaying for so long that you miss your opportunity, things fade from neglect.

I wanted to message a couple of other people too, but I can't imagine they'd want to hear from me. Part of the condition is assuming that about everyone, that nobody could possibly have a positive impression so it's best to isolate to avoid inflicting myself upon them, but sometimes that probably is the actual truth of the matter. They don't want me to talk to them. They want me gone.

I've been thinking about that more than Sindrel Song... I suppose it's a distraction from the anxiety, if nothing else?



I veered away from the original point there, but I suppose now that Sindrel Song is 'done', in a sense, I've been thinking a lot about where to go next. I feel like I'm developing a clearer plan for how I want next year to go. I've already touched on it in recent posts, but I'm going to do that again because it helps to clarify some things to myself.

I'm currently playing through MARDEK, and I'll definitely release that early next year. Now doesn't seem wise with Christmas upcoming, especially since it takes weeks for Steam to approve anything. Maybe February's better than January, if people would be busy with their Christmas gifts? How well that goes would give me an idea of how viable this path is.

I've got old games like Clarence's Big Chance ready to upload on this site, but I'm wondering when the best time is to do that. I can't imagine they'd earn any money anyway, but I might as well upload them anyway in the hope someone might spare a few dollars. (I wonder if I'd get more literally begging on the streets for a day...)

I definitely need to talk (or - ugh - *network*) with people more, but I think I'll start doing that when people come to me about MARDEK. I'll try to gather up at least a little bit of interest that would help to run a successful Kickstarter campaign for a MARDEK remake.

This month and next, I should look into making a demo/early version of that remake, to go with the Kickstarter. Or at least I can write story plans, etc; that takes a while.

I'll also look into seeing a therapist, again, despite the lack of use they've been in the past. Rather than working through general CBT or whatever, I'll present them specific problems: "I need to research this thing but I'm putting it off, so sit there as I do it in front of you so then I stop putting it off!" Insane, but it might have practical benefits. What I feel I need most is exposure therapy, but it's very difficult to do that alone. Just having someone present to immediately report to makes it infinitely easier, for me at least.

If things still haven't picked up this time next year, well... I'll just try to focus on this for now.