PERSONAL

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2,808

It's A Tumour

8 years ago389 words

I'm currently in hospital, waiting for brain surgery tomorrow. I had a scan today to get a better idea of what might be in my head... I fainted when I was told that it was a tumour.

I mean, I sort of already knew that, but was hoping it was a cyst, as they're less of a concern... My only hope now is that of the six possible types of tumour that it could be, it's not malignant... The fact that I never had symptoms before and it hasn't grown since the other scan months ago gives me hope that that's the case.

My biggest concern is that I'd have to have more operations and would miss the second year of university if it was indeed malignant... Which would to me be worse than dying. I finally thought, after all those wasted years, that I was changing my life around, forging meaningful relationships... But clearly the universe hates me and doesn't want me to be happy.

I'll be having the third ventriculostomy tomorrow, and that does involve boring through the frontal lobe of the brain... Causing deliberate damage to reduce greater harm. They apparently choose this part of the brain to penetrate because its functions aren't vital; they don't control the base physiological processes needed to keep us alive. But the frontal lobe is responsible for things like personality, intelligence, inhibitions... Perhaps who I am now will die tomorrow, and while a living person will remain, it might not be me. We'll see.

These two things are what caused me to faint, and it was an odd thing, that... I was only out for seconds, I was told, but I had a seemingly long and vivid dream. I don't remember the details... It felt very strange though, waking up on the floor looking up into the faces of my mother, step-dad and the neurosurgeon. I wonder whether it wasn't a dream, but a glimpse of some world beyond. I don't know.

I'm in a ward with two old men, both of whom seem much worse than me. It's scary looking at them.

Anyway. Let's see what happens tomorrow... I just hope I'm not changed too badly by it all. As much as my mind gets in the way, I don't want to lose all about myself that I value.