Alora Fane

I feel that BoJack Horseman's a deeply powerful work of media because its themes resonate with some in my own life, though I've been unusually well this past week. Also I'm wondering about reviving my Patreon account, but there are uncertainties.

I just finished watching the final episode of BoJack Horseman, which moved me to tears. I've no idea what any reviewers or the hive mind thought about it - and I don't want to know - but for me it's had a really powerful impact on my life, more than most works of media, because it was so resonant at the time I found it. It deals with complicated 'toxic' relationships and personal demons in a surprisingly realistic way for a show whose protagonist is an anthropomorphic equine celebrity.

I was introduced to it by my 'best friend' at university, a girl who I had a close and unhealthy connection with in a very similar way to BoJack and Diane, with me as the more broken one and her as my cruelly appointed saviour. So hearing some of the stuff that character said made me wonder how much of it would match how she felt. I don't know, though; she cut me out a couple of years ago, so we can't exactly talk about it. I regularly think about trying to contact her again, just to close things and go our separate ways more amicably than before, or even just to show that I'm not consumed by that darkness anymore, but I know it's one-sided. I often wonder whether she ever feels guilty about any of it, like I do every day, but why does that matter, really? Would I want her to? That's not right...

My ex-girlfriend, too; I had just as unhealthy a relationship with her. She actually reached out to me after years of silence around the time of the whole brain cancer stuff, but it was when I was at my worst, constantly suicidal, so I probably just scared her off again with my insanity. I keep wondering whether to reach out to her again to apologise for that, but I keep hesitating.

Maybe it's best to just move on completely, let go of what few close bonds I've ever had since I know they're better off without me in their lives. It's why I've resolved to just stay single forever; I don't want to drag anyone else down.

This is what happens when people come from broken homes and struggle with severe mental issues. We hurt others without meaning to - without even knowing we are doing a lot of the time - because we just don't know any better, we're just running the faulty, poorly-coded program inside. It's not deliberate malice, a desire to hurt, but that's the result anyway. A lot of broken people still get into horrible relationships even though they're not suited for them - we can't help longing for connection - but I do think it's best to recognise that they're not for me, and to focus my attention on making things so then there's more of a chance of actually bringing pleasure into the world rather than getting others caught up in my pain.

BoJack was made by more talented and experienced creators than I am, so I'm not going to be making anything of equivalent quality any time soon. But it's so inspiring to me, seeing such dark themes explored through such a silly setting in such a profoundly genuine, moving way. I'd love for something I make to even have a fraction of that emotional impact. I've been thinking about these characters all week, and it hurts to remember that their stories have ended.

I think about this dark relationship stuff every day, more often than anything else really, but these days they're not exactly painful, torturous thoughts. I'm not feeling bad at the moment. It's like the dark of a calm night, looking over a cliff at the vibrant lights of a town below... I appreciate media like this for letting me wallow in that for a while. It's particularly potent knowing I'm not the only one who's experienced this species of darkness; seeing it portrayed in a complex, often sympathetic way rather than just completely condemned as if it's all just the sinner's purposeful fault, as if they had the choice to be better but just decided not to take it.

Anyway. I'll just keep trying to find my own path through life. I hope they're doing well on theirs.

(I wrote this over an hour ago, and I'm still tearing up just thinking about how there are a limited number of deep emotional connections we'll ever form in our lives, and saying goodbye to any of them forever is a profoundly sad thing... All things must end, but that's sad too! I don't know if I'll ever find any more.)

Apart from that, I've been having an unusually good week in terms of general mood, so that's something. It's left me little time to do anything other than focus on work though, so I've not had as much time as I'd like to do other stuff like reply to comments, make the CBT thing I talked about last time, or finally finish playing my current game, Yooka-Laylee! I'm at the point in that where I need to find 100 of the collectibles to presumably unlock the final boss, and I think I'm up to like 98 now? Though the others are proving more elusive. I should finish that soon, then I'm not sure what to start next, I've not given it any thought. My mind's been elsewhere.

Finally, something I've been wondering these past few days is whether it'd be a good idea to revive my Patreon account. I know I've talked about this uncertainly before, but the interest was rekindled when a person on Twitter mentioned that they were glad to be a Patreon supporter.

I can't imagine I'd get a huge amount of interest - or money - if I were to do that, but considering that I'm earning pretty much nothing at the moment, anything's better than that. And I think I've made it clear by this point that I'm fairly single-mindedly focusing on this one particular project until I can finish it, so I feel like I'm doing something more worth supporting even if it's a long way away from completion.

My main concern though is that I'm hoping to do a Kickstarter for Divine Dreams when a demo is ready, but I don't know whether people would be willing to support that while also supporting me on Patreon. Personally I don't like asking for anything, let alone support in two different places, but if patrons don't support the Kickstarter, then it seems like there'd be much less chance of it being successful.

I'm also concerned about being beholden to people who give me money, and letting them down in some way. A huge fear, that. I'd like to think that since I stuck with Sindrel Song, I can stick with this too, but who knows what random, unpredictable tragedies might get in the way of production. Hopefully there won't be any, but I just feel so uncomfortable about the thought of it.

I'm also not sure what people would want exactly if I were to go down this path and they decided to become patrons. One thought is that I could make the development posts - and/or even these personal posts - patron-only, but I don't know whether that'd mean they'd only get posted on Patreon, or whether I'd have them on this site but locked, only for certain accounts. Maybe I could do both. Beyond that, what would people actually even want? Or would the pleasure of supporting me be enough? I don't know what other well-supported Patreon users do.

I was also told a while back that if I do set up Patreon again, I should set it so that people pay only when I release something rather than every month, even though the whole reason I'd be attempting Patreon is because otherwise my income comes entirely in bursts of uncertain amounts when things are finished, with no regular salary at all. That's such an insecure way to live!

If you've got any thoughts about this, I'm curious to hear them. For now, it's just a thought rather than an intention; I don't know what I'll do.

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