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32; Growth
5 years ago - Edited 5 years ago2,089 words
AnxietyAvPDDepressionDoubtHopeIdeasIsolationJealousyLonelinessMental IllnessPersonalPersonal GrowthSpecial DaysSuicide
It's my birthday today, so I felt like I should at least acknowledge that with a post. Today's mostly just business as usual - spending my time alone working on this game - but there's a background of miserableness because of some discouraging comments on the previous post, because they're right. I've been thinking about how I need to change as a person, but looking back on how I was just a couple of years ago, I'd say I've already come a long way!

I'm 32 now. That's scarily old. I remember the days when I wasn't 32. Feels like they were just yesterday. Oh, how time passes. Oh.

Honestly I wasn't expecting to make it to 30, and almost didn't. I don't think I wrote a post about my birthday last year (or at least I didn't tag it and can't be bothered searching), but I just had a look back at ∞ the one I wrote on my 30th ∞, and... holy crap. Dark, dark times.

That's a bizarre read for me. I can understand on an abstract level that I'm the same mind that produced that, but I feel like I've changed a whole lot since then, to the point where it's embarrassing to think that someone might read that and apply any impressions they have about it to the version of myself that I am now. Makes me wonder whether people who've been following me for a while see the author of that and the author of this as the same.

I'd say the biggest change is just finding peace with the fact that I don't need another person's intimacy for life to be bearable. That kind of deep, intense craving comes from childhood neglect and social exclusion, mixed together with mental illness, and it's accentuated constantly by all the themes about love that society constantly pushes in its media. It took turning to culturally undesirable groups, the likes of which Reddit apparently quarantines or bans and which the mainstream treat with scorn, to break out of the trance, but that was just a stepping stone, and now it all feels like a distant nightmare. So surreal.

Plus, back then the whole brain cancer surgery thing was some terrible potentially life-altering thing looming on the horizon. Now, I've had and recovered from the surgery, and I don't feel massively more impaired than I did before, nor have I lost the creative skills I was so afraid would be damaged (bizarre to think it's been less than two years since I had my mind meat cut into and I can't even really tell). So that's significant.

I was going to write in this post about how I've been miserable today after reading some replies to the previous post, but after re-reading that horrible old post, it really puts things into perspective! I'm still not exactly a happy, clappy person who LOVES LIFE or anything, and the suicidal thoughts are always there in the background - though quite far in the background these days - but I definitely haven't been consumed by that depth of darkness for a long while now. So I suppose that's something??

I'm still not satisfied with my life situation - I still live at home, I'm making no money - but I do at least feel that I've found a path that I feel I should be walking. I've been thinking recently about how I wish I'd realised this years ago, and done what my contemporaries did and continued just making games in the same old way, rather than taking that huge detour only to end up back here anyway, but oh well. I'm here again now.

And since writing and character are big parts of my work, I feel it's been valuable to experience a bit of life - even if it's mostly been its awful depths - so then I can work with that in future.

Anyway. Comments on the previous post didn't get to me because they were drive-by trolls or anything - I haven't seen any of those in a while, and they wouldn't produce more than fleeting, eye-rolling annoyance if they did - but because they basically expressed doubts that either Patreon or independent games development would ever work out for me, because in the past I've failed to deliver, or because these days I avoid so much that I don't have any chance to attract interest in what I'm doing. I'm disconnected.

It doesn't bother me because "nasty people said mean things at me, wah!", but because it's the uncomfortable truth. The trajectory I'm on now is more likely to crash into a ditch than to get me to the moon. I suppose I've been disappearing into a creative cocoon these past few weeks, and honestly it's felt great to just really immerse myself in the process! But I do need to wake up and take a serious look about what I'm doing, or not doing. Where I'm going.

The plan so far has been to develop to the point where I have a playable demo to show off, at which point I'd run a Kickstarter, and devote myself entirely to promotion and research for the duration of that. I literally haven't had time to do anything other than work for the past few weeks, and if I'd been devoting time to research or getting the word out, then that's time that I wouldn't have been able to spend on development.

Now, though, I'm wondering whether I should start trying to at least start breaking out of my shell a bit sooner. Maybe instead of aiming for a playable demo, I could just get to the point where I've got enough assets and gameplay for a video trailer? Or even failing that, I could at least ask in communities if anyone remembers MARDEK and would be interested in a reimagining, or other things, I don't know.

One big thing is that I don't exactly know where to go to actually start doing any kind of promotion. I post on Twitter regularly-ish, but those posts don't exactly gain any traction. I think just not following anyone and expecting everyone to come to me is a big part of that.

I've also been thinking about posting in some games development communities, like on Reddit for example. Those aren't going to exactly generate a fanbase, but I've got the impression from browsing them a bit in the past that they're full of people on the same path, who discuss and research things like how to promote your game, etc. We'd have shared concerns that we could work through together.

The only reason I've not already done that is because it'd be incredibly selfish to barge in asking people to look at my stuff and help me without doing anything for them! So I'd like to look into their projects, offer any feedback I could give if it might be useful, but that takes up time that I haven't had. I already mentioned that I've not had any time to play games that I have particular interest in playing recently.

I talked in the previous post about how I effectively waste a lot of time browsing stupid videos or Reddit threads, and since then, especially because of the comments (which I want to reply to soon!), I thought of - and built! - something that might help with that. It's an extension of my creepily obsessive planner tool thing, which I use every day to track all my activities and moods like a maniac. I've made a list of tasks like "draw [specific thing]" or "compose music", and this new addition grabs one of those at random and starts a 60-minute timer when I press a button. I've not had the time to use it yet, but I'm hoping that might at least reduce the amount of 'low quality' time during my breaks from development.

I also talked in a previous personal post about wanting to make a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) tool that I can use to hopefully tackle my avoidance issues head on rather than always putting them off until 'tomorrow' when I might feel more capable of doing so. I've not made that yet (funny), but perhaps doing that could be a good first step.



So. I'm not in a good place in life, or mentally, but I'd say I'm definitely in a better place than I was just a couple of years ago! It's true, though, that I need to make some more major transformations if I want to have any hope of succeeding with the indie games thing.

I feel like I need to make a specific plan, rather than hoping for some change to just magically happen somehow. So maybe something like this:

First, rather than researching indie games stuff, about which I'm anxious, maybe I could begin by researching overcoming anxiety and avoidance issues? Chances are I know it all already - it wouldn't be the first time - but the main aim would just be to cultivate a certain state of mind. Like how I had a lucid dream after immersing myself in the idea for weeks (I haven't had one since though because I've been rarely thinking about them).

Then, I could use what I already know, and anything I learn from that, to build a CBT tool for myself. I know there are tons out there already, but it being bespoke will encourage me to actually use it.

One of the first things I'd like to do is to play the dreaded Undertale. In case you don't already know, I've been avoiding it for ages because it's uncomfortably close to - but infinitely more successful than - things I've made (or wanted to make) myself, so it provokes a lot of uncomfortable envy. If I can play that, then I should hopefully have a less difficult time playing other games that intimidate me. Sad that I'm in this state, but I remember a time when I couldn't browse other artists' drawings due to the same insecurities, and now I can do casually and don't really feel anything.

Perhaps alongside that, I'll start actively lurking in whatever indie developer communities I can find, to get a feel for the community and others' projects before actually posting myself.

I'll start posting myself by commenting on others' work rather than cramming my own down their throats.

Then I'll do that. I'll probably ask if anyone's heard of MARDEK, and then immediately regret it when I got no response, 'no', or 'aren't you that weird guy who did those weird things?' (or at least that's what the demons inside assume will happen; as if anyone would know me or care).

I should probably actually start following some other people on Twitter too, and commenting on their posts. Eventually.

If I can even get to that point, it's a start, and I can build from there. These are the sorts of things I'd need to pause development to focus on though, which is why I wanted to get that development to a certain point first.



This stupid mental condition has denied me so much, and the last time I tried to overcome it, to get out into the world and form connections, it led to me with a literal belt around my neck, about to take the final plunge to escape the madness of it all. I'd much rather just retreat from all social obligations completely so then I never end up back there, but I also need to earn enough money to pay the bills. So planning a course of action is all I really can do.

Thanks to those of you who've supported me through the years, despite everything! I might not have a huge audience, but I do appreciate you regulars a whole lot (though awkwardness usually prevents me from expressing the sorts of things I love hearing from others).

Hopefully by the time I turn 33, I'll have a brighter story to tell. But progress - especially progress towards overcoming something so profoundly suffocating - takes a long time and a lot of effort. It's not like I'll be saying this now, then in a week I'll be saying "wow I completely transformed!". It's likely to be a change visible by comparing posts years apart, like this one and the awful one from two years ago. But every journey starts with a single step, or however that saying goes!

25 COMMENTS

HolyPenguin96~5Y
Happy birthday, Tobias. I hope the next year brings good things your way.
1
Maniafig222~5Y
I think you've definitely changed a lot from those dark times! I read your blogs back then but didn't actively comment on them, but I can clearly see that you seem much brighter these days then you did back then!

Was the brain cancer discovery two years ago already? I am glad to hear your recovery process has been going well so far! I really do think it's impressive how much you managed to do despite having brain surgery like that, like the whole Sindrel Song project.

Have you tried qualifying for some sort of social benefits as a result of the brain tumour thing? I can't really help you out with that since I don't know anything about how that works in the UK.

I am curious what you'd think of Undertale. I wonder whether you'll play it and think "oh, that was it?" or sorts, that maybe the construct you built of it in your head exceeds what it actually is. Hard to know unless you play it, I guess!

Would you just do your usual play-then review in blog from Undertale, or something more involved? I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on the game as you played it, as a game developer yourself.
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Tobias 1115~5Y
The actual discovery was way earlier, like maybe four years ago? More? I think I got so bad because I had it looming over me as this "THIS'LL DESTROY MY LIFE" thing for ages before being treated, because I wanted to put off the surgery until I finished university. Imagine being told you're going to be executed, but in a year, or something! I wonder how many people would be able to live peacefully during the time they had, and how many would go mad. Oh well, it's over now... probably.

I actually did try to get some kind of disability benefits shortly after the brain surgery when I could barely function, and a guy came and interviewed me in person to assess me and everything. I talked barely coherently to him while wearing my pyjamas... yet the assessment came back saying I was completely fine and didn't need the benefits. Apparently they reject the overwhelming number of people who apply, because they have to, or something? I can't remember. It's annoying, but I wouldn't really want to rely on something like that anyway so it's not hugely distressing or anything.

I'm hoping Undertale won't be the big deal I've made it out to be in my mind... though it's less about the actual quality of the game and more about the very real huge success it's had. Chances are when I play it, I won't be thinking "this is way better than miiiine!", but more like "THIS is what does really well? I'm not doing that though!". I haven't given any thought to how I'd play or talk about it, so I'll have to think about it! Maybe it'd be worthwhile to make notes as I go rather than just at the end.
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AdmiralLara49~5Y
I'd like to say I'm sorry for evidently causing you discomfort, but that wouldn't be entirely true – avoidance is, in my view and in my experience, a close cousin of denial, and building awareness of these, as you said, uncomfortable truths is a step on the way to overcoming that.

My point stands regardless. I find it very interesting that your reaction was to ask me where you should promote your games – I am, sadly, not a video game marketer – as opposed asking anyone who has actually made and/or promoted a game! Those are the people who you should be seeking out and engaging with! That can be as easy as googling or as difficult as personally reaching out to someone and asking questions – but you have to do something!

And the ideas you brought up in this post for doing that aren't bad! You clearly have at least an inkling of what might be required here – but I find it even sadder that you're still putting it off! As you said, it's a long, slow process, not some overnight transformation! And the time for starting on that should have been yesterday (figuratively speaking)! I get that you have to develop your game as well, but as an independent you have multiple jobs that you can't just neglect like that. You have to keep consistently putting effort into growth (especially into weak areas), and I'm seeing you have trouble with that.

None of this, by the way, is to belittle the real and admirable progress that you mention in this post. I'm hoping it gives you the strength to see this through.
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MontyCallay101~5Y
First of all, happy birthday! It really is amazing considering how different you are now to who you were two years ago! Reading that post, seeing my own comment and so on… Then again, you have been through a lot – and even that feels like understating it! I'm very happy to see that you're in a mostly different state of mind.

I still think it's interesting, the weight you put on finding peace with your own loneliness – the way your characterisation of your pining and desire for intimacy as something that was a result of your own brokenness and was a toxic influence on your life has changed from seeing it as a natural reaction to a very human need, as you emphasised many times in the past. Do you think that could be something to put effort into developing in a healthier way as well? I get that you don't want to be obsessively attaching to anyone, but surely complete isolation is not necessarily desirable if you want to work on your anxiety/avoidance. I suppose it's easy to avoid at the moment, given how focused you are right now on making the game, but I wonder if a more holistic and balanced approach to life might make it easier for you – as well as perhaps making you aware of alternatives should your solo games development projects not bear fruit. you seem to be generally accepting of your life situation at the moment, so that's an improvement!

Making a trailer and posting in some communities sounds like a great idea! Anything, I think, that gets you out there and exposed to other developers and audiences is bound to be useful.

Honestly, seeing that old post and the comment section makes me wonder if the way the comments are set up now is that much of an improvement – I think the average quality of comments has probably increased somewhat since the switch from Disqus, but there's something desirable as well, I think, to having a certain openness – allowing guest comments and so on – as opposed to the more closed, slow way it works now where you have to make an account and wait for you to approve everything. It probably lets you weed out some of the trolls, but it's also might be a barrier for someone who just wants to give a quick reaction to development progress. I don't know to what extent this is related, but I think there's been a decrease in the number of "casual" commenters as opposed to the more long-winded, regular ones. That might be something that makes this community seem somewhat opaque or closed? In addition to the fact that you approving everything would make interaction with other commenters slow, to say the least. I know the option of a Discord server has been brought up in the past, and that might be an alternative to opening the comment section – I think that it would make promoting the game easier if there was a more "casual" method of accessing the community, without having to make an account and waiting to get your comments approved. Though there are of course disadvantages to that as well – but you seem to have shaken off most of the drive-by trolls by now (if there even were that many in the first place).

I remain impressed by your dedication to the development process, and the fact that you seem to be largely successful with structuring your days! I'm curious as to the experience you'll have with making a CBT-based tool.
Having played Undertale so long ago, it feels funny to see it built up as this big, dreaded success – it feels just like another cultural event that was in the spotlight for a while, but eventually faded – but it's a good game! And a fun story! I think the key may be, in this case, to try to remove the mantle of judgement from yourself as much as possible while playing it, and just be in it for the experience, as opposed to immediate assessment and critique – you can still do that afterwards!

But seeing how you've developed during the last years and what obstacles you've overcome, I feel certain that you'll be doing even better next year. Not a reason to put things off, of course, but you've already proven that you have the strength and ability to overcome significant adversity, and I think that's what you'll keep doing.
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purplerabbits148~5Y
Happy Birthday o/

I think I found your blog near the end of the fighunter site. I remember the background changing to a "dark mode" to more accuretly reflect how you were feeling? I definitely lurked there on fighunter. I stuck through the first form of Alorafane and then Taming Dreams. Posted for the first time on the original Alorafane. So, I haven't been here since the beginning, but I can say for certain that current you has made huge improvements that may even make past you proud.

I also wonder if your perception of me is different from how I perceive myself. I feel like I may be seen as the person with tangents from hell and gets off topic.

By the breakdown of each step of overcoming your anxieties. I can see that it's a pretty solid plan on how to proceed. I definitly fall into the scale that Undertale is a bit overhyped. Hopefully by tackling the core of the anxieties you can apply it to other places and really get going. I believe you can :D
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TheJop32~5Y
Happy Birthday, Tobias! I'm glad things are getting better for you, and I hope they only improve!
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Tacuku1~5Y
Happy birthday Tobias! I do not follow you very closely, but I want to say that anytime I hear a name even closely resembling Mardek, I come running back to check how things are. This might be the first time I've commented on anything.

I'm glad to see that you are doing better. I remember reading some of the darker blogs and seeing this one made me happy for you.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that after all this time, your creation is stuck in my mind as a great experience I had and will likely remain so for a long time. I'm glad you're feeling growth and I wish you an even brighter 2020!
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dia1~5Y
Just came here checking on if Mardek was going to continue. People do remember. The series was great. Happy birthday! and hopefully I'll get to play whatever you're working on next real soon. :)
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Tobias 1115~5Y
Thanks! Yes, hopefully!
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Ptyrell37~5Y
Hey Tobias, hope this year is a great one for you.

I've been reading your blogs off and on for about 10 years now, though much more off now than on. Probably been about a year since I was last on here. Took me by surprise that I just happened to see your link in my bookmarks bar and drop in on your birthday! So I figured I should say something for once.

I'm glad to read that you are doing better mentally! I've always really wanted you to succeed in your endeavors, and wished there was a way I could offer you anything helpful. My wife also struggles with anxiety and depression, as well as various members of our families. I admit in the past I've feared a time when I might come and revisit this website and see it lying in disrepair after a troublesome blog post... So I am really glad to instead read about how far you've come! You have always struck me as someone who could really impact the world positively through your storytelling medium, and I am glad that you continue to find purpose in that.

Pretty cool that you got a game published on Steam! I need to check that out, especially since I always loved the music you make. I've learned some more about music myself in the 10+ years since I played MARDEK, and it blows my mind that you write tons of thematically appropriate music pieces on top of everything else needed for these games.

Not sure when I'll next be back to read your blog, let alone comment on here. But til then, I'm wishing you the best!

Tyrell
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Tobias 1115~5Y
It might be a while until you see this reply, then, but thanks! Hopefully I'll be able to start gaining some momentum in the next year or two so the idea of this place becoming a dark memorial becomes even more of a faded nightmare.
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Ptyrell37~5Y
Decided I will start to check in weekly again! Looking forward to following how things go again :)
1
Nini4~5Y
Belated happy birthday, seems somewhat fortuitous to have rediscovered your content after 8 years or so. I had a nostalgia trip for some older games like Elona, Golden Sun, and MARDEK and was comparing some of your music on previous games.

Glad to see you holding up, improving, and finding some satisfaction in life.
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Tobias 1115~5Y
Thank you!
0
Ampersand68~5Y
Happy belated birthday! If you're wondering about level of interest in the MARDEK remake, perhaps releasing MARDEK CLASSIC (TM) on Steam would be a good way to gauge interest? I think it would be a good a vehicle as any to get people informed about your new game and get people prepared for a Kickstarter. It's something tangible with some degree of name recognition that could give you a shot in the arm, both in terms of motivation and financially. I know I at least would be sure to buy it and spread the word with friends!
1
Tobias 1115~5Y
I'm definitely planning to do that! The question though is when to do it; I've been waiting until I have a Kickstarter ready so then people could get and play the old version during the campaign, rathe than weeks or months before so then any interest they gain from it might fade away, but I'm not exactly certain this is the right choice! I'm trying to figure it out as I go.
1
MarninPL33~5Y
Happy birthday, man! Honestly I've been following your blog for quite a while now, and I was there when you made post regarding *that* one year ago. Now, although I neither know you personally or helped you in any way, I'm simply amazed and proud of your progress as a person! For the next year and years to come, I wish you more and more growth.

Also, regarding the game, it's never a bad idea to promote yourself. Don't look at it as selfish - you simply want to share what you have created, and it's not a bad thing. I'm personally really hyped when it comes to your project, and I believe it can really spread!

Lastly, by "discouraging comments" you mean previous personal blog, or development blog? Because in that second one there was a little bit of criticism (I personally wrote something about Deugan using a rod), and I would like to know if behaviour like that is discouraing for you.

Anyway, once again - happy birthday, Tobias!
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Tobias 1115~5Y
Thanks for continuing to follow me despite seeing me at my embarrassing worst! That means a lot.

It's less about worry about being selfish, and more about fear of rejection, probably? I'm wary about proudly going out and presenting my work to people, hoping to bring something enjoyable to them, and getting dismissive, aggressive responses. It's not even because they'd hurt - though they would - but because I suppose I worry that there'll be a sort of hivemind/reputation effect, where once a prevailing opinion forms, if it's negative, then other people will automatically have that same negative opinion even without giving my work a chance. I know it's born of the social anxiety, but it's not like that sort of thing doesn't actually happen (Social Psychology is all about this stuff). I suppose it also ties into shame about failing to deliver in the past due to my various horrible life issues, so I'm concerned I already have that kind of reputation!

More realistically though I just assume there'll be little to no interest, which is deflating in itself since it'll make the mountain I need to climb seem even taller, or something.

I don't get upset by anything remotely critical, and you definitely haven't said anything to make me feel bad, you needn't worry! It's more the things that are overwhelmingly critical and discouraging (eg "this'll never work out for you") that get to me.
0
Trav3~5Y
Hello Tobias,
This is Traveller from some time ago (MSS), I have been checking on you from time to time from the background. Simply safer from my own dialogue which seemed to get dramatic and uncomfortable, also I have been focused on my studies and did not really have the energy for both posting and work.

Basically, sorry that I left having only half-tested MSS. I am really glad that things are getting better for you. Now things must just grow, and learn, and be still better.

I am glad that you are making good progress with your creative work; somewhere is better than nowhere. And if you do well, what are the possibilities?

On a different topic: are you planning on expanding the skillset on the reimagining?
A good variety of skills, weapons, status effects, spells, equipment, battle mechanics, and so on. I feel quite stongly that it will be a big part of its success.
Otherwise it is just a series of whack-whack, heal-whack, wack-wack, heal-whack win...

Oh, and Happy Birthday!!

Best wishes,
Trav
1
Astreon152~5Y
You forget the pocketing items part. Whack and stash, they call it :)
1
Palaver1~5Y
Happy belated, mate (Pseudo, Tobias). Glad you're going along reasonably well as your creative drive and desire to improve and make some difference is still burning bright, despite everything. More on this later–

I guess you'd like to know who this new poster (me) is. I'm the guy known as 'Ooneykcall' way back then on the old FH (and 'selfreferential' on the then-new FH, a daft idea of a name that was). Hope you don't get any painful memories seeing this. Sorry for contributing to the troubles then, borne of a lack of understanding and experience. That was a surprisingly long time ago, I'd like to believe I've wisened up since then. Certainly you have. I recall making an account on the old tamingdreams and saying hello, which you accepted, but then I hardly ever commented for fear of making a blunder. That's a shame. Hoping to be able to comment more often. There won't be another game imprinted in my mind as MARDEK did, back when I was a teenager, but I still like following your endeavours and musings.

You know, feels weird to call you 'Tobias'. I'm used to 'Pseudo(lonewolf)' from back then, but that's apparently outdated as these days you prefer your real name. Hence the funny parentheses in the opening sentence. Hope that didn't make you cringe, ha. I almost wanted to just say 'mate', wouldn't that be awkward though, right? I like that word a lot, seems like a generally positive address conveying no ill will.

–Anyway, highly enjoyed reading your post as usual. Eloquent, thoughtful, articulate, heartfelt as your writing always is. Happy that you realise and appreciate the significant progress you've made since rock bottom; it's a great feeling to *know* you're on the right path, generally speaking, and a great motivator to get better and further away from the horrible depths. Now you have set clear goals, more or less, and are actively planning how to get to them, again something that's always amazed me about you, because I've always been bad at setting any plans and timetables for myself (part of my life issues, certainly), feeels damned stressful. Sorry I can't suggest anything because I've no idea / am bad at this stuff anyway, just wanted to put my appreciation into words, maybe you'll feel a little bit better reading this.

I'd like to add... (sorry for talking about myself again, I'd like to get this off my chest at least this once, please?) This birthday post resonated with me, enough to incite me to register and put much time into formulating this comment. Here's why: my birthday was less than a month ago also, and I'm 26 now, also not what I used to be. Years ago, I was thinking, 'poor Pseudo, he is besieged by so much strife and struggle and pain, I'm lucky I don't have it anywhere near as bad, I could never match his genius but I could do better in terms of personal development, not for being a 'better person' but since it shouldn't be nearly as difficult for me, right?' Turns out I couldn't do that either (ha). You're a way better person than me... facing terrible burdens yet fighting through them, while I have it easy yet do nothing, wondering when I'll hit my own rock bottom or if this lack of desire/commitment to create anything that I've found myself experiencing since about a year ago is it and I'm going to keep living an easy, impotent life until I get ill or something. I know this isn't a place for me to rant, but I wanted to let you know, to say this out loud at least once, rather than keep a lid on it for the rest of my life. I feel bad re-reading this, sigh.

To end on a good note, I really wish you to make the journey and find a nice place in life, mentally and socially/financially, where you can at last feel good about yourself. What a truly inspirational story it would be!

PS. if you could change my nick to 'PalaverPasquali'? I had that registered a few months ago, but made a typo in the e-mail address field so couldn't activate it, which put me off trying to register again until today.
1
vancho13~5Y
Hi! I was a fan in days past, though I was young and immature at the time. I'm glad to see that you're still alive and around, even though the situation isn't the best. Dealing with a bad breakup and going through therapy for the awful brain worms my childhood installed in my head made me appreciate others' struggles just a bit more, and I hope that you keep on going even though things are tough.

Speaking of asking if people had heard of MARDEK, I actually had a conversation about that today! A new friend and I were reminiscing about flash games and I brought it up. I think he recognized it, though the details were fuzzy. Anyhow, you definitely brought joy to at least two people even back then! So, I hope this encourages you, even if it's only a little.

A very late happy birthday to you, and may your next be even happier.

In solidarity,

Vancho
1
Tobias 1115~5Y
Hello, and thanks for checking in! We've all changed and learned a lot since those old days. I'm sorry to hear you've dealt with pain and demons, though it does seem that they're the best way to develop empathy for others and a greater appreciation for what we do have in life, at least when the dark clouds clear up enough.

I wonder how many people remember MARDEK! I'm planning to re-release it at some point in the not-too-distant future, so I'll be curious to see how many people it'll bring some nice nostalgic feelings to. It is encouraging to hear that anyone ever got anything from things I've made, though it never stops being somewhat surreal!
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