PERSONAL

25

2,790

32; Growth

5 years ago - Edited 5 years ago2,089 words

It's my birthday today, so I felt like I should at least acknowledge that with a post. Today's mostly just business as usual - spending my time alone working on this game - but there's a background of miserableness because of some discouraging comments on the previous post, because they're right. I've been thinking about how I need to change as a person, but looking back on how I was just a couple of years ago, I'd say I've already come a long way!

I'm 32 now. That's scarily old. I remember the days when I wasn't 32. Feels like they were just yesterday. Oh, how time passes. Oh.

Honestly I wasn't expecting to make it to 30, and almost didn't. I don't think I wrote a post about my birthday last year (or at least I didn't tag it and can't be bothered searching), but I just had a look back at ∞ the one I wrote on my 30th ∞, and... holy crap. Dark, dark times.

That's a bizarre read for me. I can understand on an abstract level that I'm the same mind that produced that, but I feel like I've changed a whole lot since then, to the point where it's embarrassing to think that someone might read that and apply any impressions they have about it to the version of myself that I am now. Makes me wonder whether people who've been following me for a while see the author of that and the author of this as the same.

I'd say the biggest change is just finding peace with the fact that I don't need another person's intimacy for life to be bearable. That kind of deep, intense craving comes from childhood neglect and social exclusion, mixed together with mental illness, and it's accentuated constantly by all the themes about love that society constantly pushes in its media. It took turning to culturally undesirable groups, the likes of which Reddit apparently quarantines or bans and which the mainstream treat with scorn, to break out of the trance, but that was just a stepping stone, and now it all feels like a distant nightmare. So surreal.

Plus, back then the whole brain cancer surgery thing was some terrible potentially life-altering thing looming on the horizon. Now, I've had and recovered from the surgery, and I don't feel massively more impaired than I did before, nor have I lost the creative skills I was so afraid would be damaged (bizarre to think it's been less than two years since I had my mind meat cut into and I can't even really tell). So that's significant.

I was going to write in this post about how I've been miserable today after reading some replies to the previous post, but after re-reading that horrible old post, it really puts things into perspective! I'm still not exactly a happy, clappy person who LOVES LIFE or anything, and the suicidal thoughts are always there in the background - though quite far in the background these days - but I definitely haven't been consumed by that depth of darkness for a long while now. So I suppose that's something??

I'm still not satisfied with my life situation - I still live at home, I'm making no money - but I do at least feel that I've found a path that I feel I should be walking. I've been thinking recently about how I wish I'd realised this years ago, and done what my contemporaries did and continued just making games in the same old way, rather than taking that huge detour only to end up back here anyway, but oh well. I'm here again now.

And since writing and character are big parts of my work, I feel it's been valuable to experience a bit of life - even if it's mostly been its awful depths - so then I can work with that in future.

Anyway. Comments on the previous post didn't get to me because they were drive-by trolls or anything - I haven't seen any of those in a while, and they wouldn't produce more than fleeting, eye-rolling annoyance if they did - but because they basically expressed doubts that either Patreon or independent games development would ever work out for me, because in the past I've failed to deliver, or because these days I avoid so much that I don't have any chance to attract interest in what I'm doing. I'm disconnected.

It doesn't bother me because "nasty people said mean things at me, wah!", but because it's the uncomfortable truth. The trajectory I'm on now is more likely to crash into a ditch than to get me to the moon. I suppose I've been disappearing into a creative cocoon these past few weeks, and honestly it's felt great to just really immerse myself in the process! But I do need to wake up and take a serious look about what I'm doing, or not doing. Where I'm going.

The plan so far has been to develop to the point where I have a playable demo to show off, at which point I'd run a Kickstarter, and devote myself entirely to promotion and research for the duration of that. I literally haven't had time to do anything other than work for the past few weeks, and if I'd been devoting time to research or getting the word out, then that's time that I wouldn't have been able to spend on development.

Now, though, I'm wondering whether I should start trying to at least start breaking out of my shell a bit sooner. Maybe instead of aiming for a playable demo, I could just get to the point where I've got enough assets and gameplay for a video trailer? Or even failing that, I could at least ask in communities if anyone remembers MARDEK and would be interested in a reimagining, or other things, I don't know.

One big thing is that I don't exactly know where to go to actually start doing any kind of promotion. I post on Twitter regularly-ish, but those posts don't exactly gain any traction. I think just not following anyone and expecting everyone to come to me is a big part of that.

I've also been thinking about posting in some games development communities, like on Reddit for example. Those aren't going to exactly generate a fanbase, but I've got the impression from browsing them a bit in the past that they're full of people on the same path, who discuss and research things like how to promote your game, etc. We'd have shared concerns that we could work through together.

The only reason I've not already done that is because it'd be incredibly selfish to barge in asking people to look at my stuff and help me without doing anything for them! So I'd like to look into their projects, offer any feedback I could give if it might be useful, but that takes up time that I haven't had. I already mentioned that I've not had any time to play games that I have particular interest in playing recently.

I talked in the previous post about how I effectively waste a lot of time browsing stupid videos or Reddit threads, and since then, especially because of the comments (which I want to reply to soon!), I thought of - and built! - something that might help with that. It's an extension of my creepily obsessive planner tool thing, which I use every day to track all my activities and moods like a maniac. I've made a list of tasks like "draw [specific thing]" or "compose music", and this new addition grabs one of those at random and starts a 60-minute timer when I press a button. I've not had the time to use it yet, but I'm hoping that might at least reduce the amount of 'low quality' time during my breaks from development.

I also talked in a previous personal post about wanting to make a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) tool that I can use to hopefully tackle my avoidance issues head on rather than always putting them off until 'tomorrow' when I might feel more capable of doing so. I've not made that yet (funny), but perhaps doing that could be a good first step.



So. I'm not in a good place in life, or mentally, but I'd say I'm definitely in a better place than I was just a couple of years ago! It's true, though, that I need to make some more major transformations if I want to have any hope of succeeding with the indie games thing.

I feel like I need to make a specific plan, rather than hoping for some change to just magically happen somehow. So maybe something like this:

First, rather than researching indie games stuff, about which I'm anxious, maybe I could begin by researching overcoming anxiety and avoidance issues? Chances are I know it all already - it wouldn't be the first time - but the main aim would just be to cultivate a certain state of mind. Like how I had a lucid dream after immersing myself in the idea for weeks (I haven't had one since though because I've been rarely thinking about them).

Then, I could use what I already know, and anything I learn from that, to build a CBT tool for myself. I know there are tons out there already, but it being bespoke will encourage me to actually use it.

One of the first things I'd like to do is to play the dreaded Undertale. In case you don't already know, I've been avoiding it for ages because it's uncomfortably close to - but infinitely more successful than - things I've made (or wanted to make) myself, so it provokes a lot of uncomfortable envy. If I can play that, then I should hopefully have a less difficult time playing other games that intimidate me. Sad that I'm in this state, but I remember a time when I couldn't browse other artists' drawings due to the same insecurities, and now I can do casually and don't really feel anything.

Perhaps alongside that, I'll start actively lurking in whatever indie developer communities I can find, to get a feel for the community and others' projects before actually posting myself.

I'll start posting myself by commenting on others' work rather than cramming my own down their throats.

Then I'll do that. I'll probably ask if anyone's heard of MARDEK, and then immediately regret it when I got no response, 'no', or 'aren't you that weird guy who did those weird things?' (or at least that's what the demons inside assume will happen; as if anyone would know me or care).

I should probably actually start following some other people on Twitter too, and commenting on their posts. Eventually.

If I can even get to that point, it's a start, and I can build from there. These are the sorts of things I'd need to pause development to focus on though, which is why I wanted to get that development to a certain point first.



This stupid mental condition has denied me so much, and the last time I tried to overcome it, to get out into the world and form connections, it led to me with a literal belt around my neck, about to take the final plunge to escape the madness of it all. I'd much rather just retreat from all social obligations completely so then I never end up back there, but I also need to earn enough money to pay the bills. So planning a course of action is all I really can do.

Thanks to those of you who've supported me through the years, despite everything! I might not have a huge audience, but I do appreciate you regulars a whole lot (though awkwardness usually prevents me from expressing the sorts of things I love hearing from others).

Hopefully by the time I turn 33, I'll have a brighter story to tell. But progress - especially progress towards overcoming something so profoundly suffocating - takes a long time and a lot of effort. It's not like I'll be saying this now, then in a week I'll be saying "wow I completely transformed!". It's likely to be a change visible by comparing posts years apart, like this one and the awful one from two years ago. But every journey starts with a single step, or however that saying goes!