PERSONAL

8

2,504

WU 2020-10P - Dog, Brain, Ori

5 years ago1,107 words

While the world's being thrown into chaos by a virus, I've been worried about having to play with a dog. You know, one of those animal things with some ears and a few legs, like three or five or something like that. They make noises and breathe oxygen, I think. Also, my brain might be breaking again, but I hope not!!!!!

So how's about that coronavirus, eh?? It's all the internet and news seem to be talking about at the moment, but as a complete recluse it's not really been affecting my life significantly. Has it affected yours??

I'm more concerned about some worrying pressure feelings I've recently had on top of my head, which I used to have years ago before all the brain surgery stuff, and which was likely caused by hydrocephalus. I'm hoping it's nothing and not a return of all that mess, though it's hard not to worry considering what I've already been through and what I know definitely is in my brain. My next scan's in a couple of months, I think (then I get the results like five weeks after that...), so hopefully I won't need to be rushed to the hospital before then. Hmm.

Other than that, yet again I've shirking a few responsibilities this week. I took last week off, and intended for this week to be my excited return to all the stuff I'd been taking a break from, but factors outside my control came up and very much tarnished that hope. My parents volunteered to look after someone's dog for a week, and it spent much of the Sunday night after it got here barking, meaning I started Monday having spent a big chunk of the night frustratingly awake. I ended up getting nothing worthwhile done due to tiredness and poor mood. Very annoying.

It's one of those dog breeds that needs constant exercise and attention, otherwise it gets jumpy and loud and annoying. It gets separation anxiety, too; whenever my parents were out, it was a neurotic mess, barking and howling and running around. I tried to distract it, but for the first few days it was terrified of me, barking at me and generally acting afraid. It literally wet itself one time I went to go and stroke it! Apparently that's something that breed is known to do, but still. Am I that horrifying?!

It did get much more friendly with me the more time I spent with it, but that took a while, during which time I couldn't exactly do any work. It's very hard to focus when there's someone essentially going "PLAY WITH ME I'M BOOORED!!" constantly!

I've always liked animals and I'm gentle with them, but I wonder whether with dogs in particular, this gentleness makes me seem less like a pack alpha or whatever and more like a peer, or even a lesser, who they don't exactly respect or obey. Something like that. Dogs do have very hierarchical psychology. So while there have been dogs around my houses for much of my life, they've never been my dogs, and whenever I spend time with them they're always alert for sounds of their actual owners returning, and they run to them as soon as they possibly can when they get back.

I see people aww-ing about their dogs online a lot, and I've wondered whether to get a dog of my own one day since they're meant to help with depression, what with their unconditional love and friendliness. I suppose I've never known what it's like to have a dog 'love' me primarily, though. I'm just used to being ABANDONED!!! by them the moment a better person comes along. Odd thought.

It feels like such a weird thing to be concerned about and distracted by, though. A dog. When everyone else seems madly obsessed with this global pandemic, the social and cultural effects of which are much more significant than the symptoms of the infection itself. At least for those of us who aren't yet elderly, or weakened by existing medical conditions. Or maybe the whole brain cancer thing means I am weakened by an existing condition? Maybe the head pressure thing is coronavirus and I'm going to die?!??!??!?1

Honestly I feel too tired to even worry about it.

The dog's gone back home now; somewhat of a shame because of how friendly it'd got with me by the end. But it took big bites out of my work days when it wouldn't shut up and I had to play with it, and it's left me feeling exhausted. So hopefully next week will be actually back to normal for me!!

Also, I've been particularly bad at replying to comments recently. I know I say that all the time, but I do still feel bad about it! I'm wondering whether to disable the need for comments here to be approved, at least. That's in place to prevent trolls, since they always seem to pop up otherwise, but I know it gets in the way, and it's not fair that decent people have to face that barrier just because there are less decent people out there. I did add a 'trusted' system right at the beginning that allows people to bypass the pending, but I forgot about it and haven't used it yet. It probably needs testing so then it works as intended, so maybe I'll look into it when I can (or not; I always have a bunch of stuff to do).

I've also not done any of the avoidance-tackling stuff either because I've been avoiding it. Who ever could have predicted such a thing.

Oh, final note, since I just remembered: I've been playing a game! After delaying started one for ages! I've been waiting on the release of Ori and the Will of the Wisps for years, after playing and enjoying the original back in university. I've got that now, but since it's been so long since I've played the original, I've started by replaying that one. I'm almost done with it, though I likely won't write about it until after I've finished them both.

Feels like I should be playing new games exclusively so then I can learn about the modern indie games scene (does Undertale count as 'modern' anymore??), but recently I've been feeling a pull to replay some of the Final Fantasies, since they've been a huge influence but I've not played them in years. I wonder how much stuff I missed out on due to my then-undeveloped mind, which I'd see differently now. That's a huge time investment though, so I've not actually taken the plunge. HMMMMM.