PERSONAL

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Egos

8 years ago1,606 words

I'm due to have my sutures removed later today, so I'll be able to see the scar on my forehead for the first time. How much hair they shaved off. I'll also be able to wash my hair for the first time in ten days... which I'm looking forward to, since it feels so awful right now. Ten days... Hard to believe it's been that long, really. I think I'm getting better, slowly. But as the visceral novelty of brain surgery and hospitals loses its edge and fades into memory (though not as much as I might like; the daily physical reminders are a bugger), the same old negative thoughts begin to seep back in. As such, I'd like to do something I planned to do before all this. I'd like to use this blog to have a dialogue between my conscious self (in the sense that it's the self of which I am conscious; the Freudian ego), and my conscious self (in the sense that it's spiritually 'awakened', as opposed to the 'unconscious' fog of earthly delusions). Could be interesting.

So alright then. Here I am, same old thoughts. Loneliness, and a general inability to overcome that. It's overwhelming, but not stressful. Calm and dark. Looming like a mountain I feel I have to jump over in one leap.

But you don't need to jump over it in one leap.

I know that... I know I can do it in little sensible steps. That that's the best way. But even the smallest steps feel so scary, and I'm all alone.

You're not ALL alone. You have friends now, and your mother.

The only friend I talk to regularly is currently on holiday with her boyfriend. And she gets annoyed when I talk about negative things anyway. And we've only met once during the holidays. Relying on my mother comes with a sense of social shame I can't shake. It's sad, apparently, for a man my age to want or need anything from the person who gave me life. I should be fully independent by now. Married. Children. Career. Like everyone else.

But you've never wanted to be like everyone else.

No, I haven't. A part of me used to savour the feeling of otherness. Now it's just a curse. I see everyone as Different from myself in irreconcilable ways... Too different. From alien worlds. We'd never get along.

But you have more in common than not.

Not in any meaningful sense, and I think that people who say things like that are deluding themselves to seem all 'open-minded' or something. I wonder if they ever act on it, or if they're as picky about their company as everyone else.

Is everyone picky about their company?

I wouldn't know. 'Everyone' is that world I only ever hear about from a distance. Them. The rest of my race. This homogeneous mass who are all much more like each other than any are like me.

You know that's not true though.

Yes, I do, but it depends on what you mean by 'know'. The rational, logical, left-hemisphere part of me knows it's selection and confirmation bias looking for evidence to confirm that while ignoring - wilfully - evidence that suggests otherwise. That there's this part of me that wants and tries to be a fragment; that resists integration. But that very part of me is emotional, limbic, right-hemisphered, more primal and beyond the easy control of my cerebral self. All I can do is be driven by it. It's the thing I know I need to tame to be something other - better - than what I currently am.

Meditation can help you tame that part of yourself.

I believe that. Yet I rarely if ever do it. I feel that if I can control my thoughts, or rather if I can choose not to get consumed or tormented by them, then so many of the doors that trap me where I am will be opened. I fear so much not just because of the immediate physiological sensations of anxiety, but because of the lingering thoughts that loom like big black clouds in my mind, suffocating me long after whatever caused them has ended. Just seeing a single photo of a happy couple on Facebook (which I never do because I avoid it for this reason) can ruin a day for me, or multiple days.

Perhaps then you could try to face fears before bed so then you fall unconscious and become refreshed straight afterwards?

But could I fall asleep at all with such a storm inside? And wouldn't I have nightmares?

Perhaps you could try mediation then? You'd only be lying there anyway.

I've tried that before without much luck. I just end up feeling agitated and fidgety.

But you've also had success before. You just have to push through the struggle, like rising up through thick clouds and atmosphere before you get to the empty freedom of the sky and then space above. You know what it's like to get there.

If only it lasted! If only discovering that once allowed me to get back there with ease! But I've gone backwards...

Perhaps it's like getting to a certain level in one of those old platformer games, the ones that didn't let you save your progress... You get to a certain point and run out of lives, so you have to start either from the beginning again or from the last checkpoint. You know you have to redo certain bits, and it feels hard... But the fact that you've done them before and know what comes after means they're much easier than they were the first time. Maybe this is the same? Getting to the same point of spiritual peace and 'competence' might be easier?

I feel like I had more enthusiasm then... Like as I get older and no closer to where I want to be, I run out of energy and hope and become more and more jaded.

But you HAVE made progress! You had zero friends before. That's changed. You used to spend all day every day inside, for months. At university, you went out almost every day. Just recently, you went to places like a hotel and hospital and talked to people in a way you'd never have been able to just a year or two ago.

I suppose I'm making some slow progress. It's so late in life though... I'm slowly, slowly working my way up to the point that the average 14-year-old is already at...

That's selection bias though. There are many things you can do that they can't.

Yes, but that just reinforces the feeling of otherness... It's not a matter of being somehow impressive within myself. I don't hate myself or feel that I'm worthless. It's more a case of being unable to connect with other people, because they all have common experiences and skills that I don't. They like going to restaurants for fun; I've never been to one and I hate food. They like gathering together in groups and doing 'fun' things like drinking or going to pubs and things like that. I don't. Their path through this life is so different to my own. I can't relate. Whenever comedians and things go on about the mundane challenges and awkwardness of daily life, I can't relate. I always think things like "I suppose most people can relate to that, which is why he's taking about it". Same when going to meditation classes, listening to the nun leading the group talk about these everyday aspects of adult life that I just don't ever deal with. Children, cars, cooking, careers. Television. I can't even relate to the sorts of geeky people who love video games. It seems like everyone has their niche, their community, online or off... Somewhere to belong, or someone to belong with. I don't.

Perhaps you could find online communities that suit your interests to meet like-minded people, as a first step?

I don't even know what my 'interests' are. Or rather, the things I like aren't really things I'd have all that much interest talking about with other people. It's why I've never really wanted male friends; I want a relationship, someone to share intimate experiences with, but I don't really get anything out of talking about 'things' that I like like Pokemon or games development or even spirituality. I think I'd be somewhat interested in joining communities based on the latter... But the other people just annoy or intimidate me. I picture them as being plump, middle-aged housewives whose minds are so open their brains have fallen out, or these calm, level-headed yoga-practising men who I fear because in many ways they're what I wish I was but know I'm not. "I bet women like him more than me", my mind thinks, and just wants to run away.

But if you always run away, of course you'll never meet anyone.

Yes, I know... It just feels like I have to swim through a moat of sharks before I can get to the castle, and I can't even swim...

Challenges seem more challenging in your head than they are in reality.

Is that actually true though? I thought in my head that I'd cope with news of my brain tumour better than I actually did... But anyway. I've been at this for a while now, and I don't feel I'm getting anywhere. BUT! I feel like maybe I could, someday. I may try again some other time... You can be my counsellor, Me. Sad, but at least it's free and you'll indulge me forever!