Alora Fane

Some scattered thoughts about the soul holes that loveless childhoods can leave us with. Cheery stuff, as usual!

I've been working on Atonal Dreams all morning, trying to fix bugs. It's annoying, since I didn't plan time for bug fixing, and it's taking longer than it usually would since the issues aren't even throwing errors. They're the result of the tangled web of code behind battle interactions, and I might have to rewrite or at least revise it as a whole rather than just tweaking one line in a single script.

So since that's a daunting prospect, I'm taking a brief break to write about a few disjointed thoughts that have been swirling around my mind recently.

I was hit quite hard by the demons over the weekend. I'm okay now, but on Sunday night I felt like I'd run a marathon or something. While lying in bed fiddling with my phone - as it seems many people do to end their days these days - YouTube's apparently-psychic algorithm thrust this surprisingly relevant (5-minute) video in my face:

It's not anything that I didn't already know, but I like things like that because I seem to have some strong desire for other people to understand what I'm going through!!, or something. To communicate that. And this does a good job of getting to the heart of the issues, so I wanted to share. I suppose it helped me to realise what was going on too, to some degree.

If our childhoods were without parental love, we carry that hole in our soul for the rest of our lives. I was neglected as a child - and relentlessly bullied by my older brother - and a whole lot of my current issues can be traced to that. My chosen path, too; the video points out how love-starved children can grow into audience-seekers, hoping that many eyes on them might fill the void and help them feel complete and worthy of being here. I know I always hoped that if enough people liked my games, perhaps then I wouldn't feel so empty and alone. Perhaps my life might have meaning.

I've been obsessing for a long time now about the awkward not-even-a-relationship I had back in university, just because it was the last taste I had of having this deep need maybe fulfilled... plus I was abandoned in the end, which very much triggers a whole lot of abandonment issues I have, likely due to having divorced parents.

I hate that I still think about it, that I can't just move on as other people do, but I've had so few close, meaningful connections that it's hard for any to just fade away. I mean, after school, I spent years trying to make games from my bedroom, meeting nobody, trying the whole frustrating 'join groups and clubs!' thing fruitlessly until eventually the frustration of the isolation became unbearable and I went to a university place to do a games course in the hope I might make friends. I didn't, though; I spent a year there feeling absolutely isolated, and it was hell.

I dropped out for that reason, and did that Psychology course instead, where I found a couple of friends I had close platonic in-person emotional connections with for the first time ever. Girls who seemed to like me a whole lot - such an alien experience - whose lives became intertwined with my own. Messaging each other for hours a day, going to classes and shops together and just meeting up to socialise... The sort of stuff most people probably just take for granted, but for me the difference between what I'd had before and what I had then was like night and day.

But now I'm back to where I was before all that. Back in this same house, with nowhere to go and no possibility of meeting anyone in any meaningful way. I go days or maybe weeks between brief text exchanges. Plus I'm old now, and I feel like I've completely missed my chance for any connections like that. Now everyone's a busy adult, spending their time with their partners and at their jobs, with no time for anything else.

Even if I wanted to just 'get a job', that's not a trivial thing to do since so many come from connections, which I don't have. It's something I might consider in the future, but it's not exactly something I could do right now, especially with the pandemic still hanging over us all. I could do volunteering or something, but I live in a little seaside village full of old people where most of the opportunities seem to be things like entertaining those old people or giving them sponge baths or whatever. That wouldn't scratch the itch I have; not all social interactions are equal.

But I suppose my longing is more fundamental; I feel that were I to find someone to really bond with, then I'll no longer have this soul-hole, then I'll feel complete and at ease at long last, but that's not the case. Even if I were to find what I think I need - as I did in university, sort of - it wouldn't be a cure to the pain in the long run. If anything it only agitates it, opens the wounds.

I almost killed myself because of that in university. That's something that's difficult to get over, too. It's embarrassing to remember I dropped so low, to the point where I feel I should pretend it never happened, but it did, and it's left its scars. I've not been suicidal for a long time, but over the weekend I was thinking that I'm literally spending all my time stuck with someone who almost murdered me. How would anyone feel stuck with someone like that? Especially if that person was themselves.

I'm wondering what the best way is to just make peace with all this, the pain of it all. To just accept that hole is there, to calm the aching urge to fill it and be complete. Taming the desire itself. Making things seems to help a lot... though all that's muddied these days by the need to monetise them.

I've followed a few indie devs on Twitter, and I've been less avoidant about that lately, sometimes checking what they're posting and trying to learn from it. It's been like a month since I wrote my first and only post in the Promotion category (I still don't know why that got a weirdly high number of views when they're drastically falling on the other posts), but I've been doing more research in that area, just not writing about any of it. I should, when I find the time.

Something I consistently notice though is how distant and I suppose professional most people I see seem. It feels as if everyone's wearing suits - or at least unobjectionably fashionable outfits - while I'm sitting around naked, pointing out family of spiders that live upon my nadgers. Personally I wish I could get at least a snapshot of the mind of any developer I see, but I often wonder how many other people feel similarly. Maybe most people are put off by it, and just want people to keep all that private.

Maybe it's tied to the preference for people or things which seems to vary between individuals, with most nerdy males preferring things while I'm more attuned to people (despite all my crippling anxieties surrounding interacting with them). It's why I felt more in my element in Psychology than talking about technical games mechanics or playing games wholly based around those.

Or maybe it's just a result of this profound longing for human connection.

I don't know. I have been paying attention to things like follower and like counts, and my tweets often get around 20-30 likes while other indie devs I see get around 10 or less on theirs even if they have more followers. So maybe I'm doing something not-too-terribly-wrong. I 'only' have 543 followers at the moment, and I wonder what people do to get more.

I feel like this website is my home on the internet - I've been meaning to rearrange the main page like someone might rearrange their living room - but maybe most people live on social media platforms like Twitter instead? By that I mean that if I have something I want to say, I'd post it in a blog post here first, but all the Twitter stuff feels like an afterthought, while to other people it might be the other way around. They're mostly on Twitter - or Discord? - but write blog posts as afterthoughts. I notice that whenever these indie devs link to a blog post, their sites are often quite impersonal, and the blog posts have few or no comments, or don't even have comments enabled. Maybe your experiences have been different, though, and you follow some more personal blogs.

I feel like I should get more followers so then I can have any hope of earning enough money from my games to get by, but maybe it's just always a slow process? Maybe I need to start using hashtags more often? Probably.

I am getting more used to it all, though, slowly. Being less completely sealed away in a bubble. I feel like I've come a long way with the avoidance issues this year. It's just a slow healing process, overcoming the trauma that made me so avoidant in the first place.

That video is about how criticism can be particularly wounding to the love-deprived. I know I responded so badly to the criticism on my old communities for reasons like this.

I still need to make the discord server public, but haven't yet because of it. I'm calming down about it though, gradually. It's a process. It'll be interesting to see where things are a few months from now.

I know I should probably be seeing a therapist or pumping myself full of drugs, but I've already done the therapist thing several times and drugs only address the symptoms, not the underlying issues.

Still, it's something I'll likely look into... once the pandemic is less of a factor. At the moment it feels like going out to go anywhere is a bad idea. (I need to go to a dentist, but I'm putting that off for now too...)

ANYWAY, this is a bit of a ramble, and I know I've talked about all this before, but as usual, it does help just to have a place to get it out since it does keep coming up in my mind. Though I always wonder what posting things like this does for my overall reputation, if we are all supposed to be clothed in professionalism in anything we say publicly!

24 COMMENTS

Falcon64~4Y

Personally, I enjoy that you're so open about your state of mind. It makes you seem more like a person and provides an understanding of the development process that more "professional" developers don't evoke. On more impersonal sites, you'll often see a lot of comments akin to "when will the game come out??!11", and I assume the reason they don't appear here is that you are so open about everything; so your audience knows and, more importantly, understands where you stand.

Being stuck inside is not the end of the world when it comes to social interaction, though it may seem like it. Discord is a platform that many have adopted, and which provides far more integration and actual conversation than a blog like this, or a platform like Twitter, ever could. People use it to collaborate on projects, talk with friends, watch and play things together, and countless other things. I suppose internet friendships might not be what you're looking for, but they can (and do) evolve into real-life friendships.

The pandemic will pass as well. There is always a way forward, even if it's difficult to see.

Being stuck inside is not the end of the world when it comes to social interaction, though it may seem like it. Discord is a platform that many have adopted, and which provides far more integration and actual conversation than a blog like this, or a platform like Twitter, ever could. People use it to collaborate on projects, talk with friends, watch and play things together, and countless other things. I suppose internet friendships might not be what you're looking for, but they can (and do) evolve into real-life friendships.

The pandemic will pass as well. There is always a way forward, even if it's difficult to see.

Tobias 1115~4Y

It seems so alien to me to not explain the cause of any delays! And I'm glad you appreciate the openness.

I was going to mention online connections (but forgot), since I definitely understand their value. The only girlfriend I've ever had started as an online connection, after all. And talking to people online even in comments does help me from feeling completely alone.

I prefer to talk one-on-one with people though, and most of what I've seen from Discord is chatroom-like group interactions? I know you can move to private messages eventually, but wouldn't you have to meet people in the group environment first? With a discord that I myself run, I feel like there's a difference of position which makes things a bit awkward for me, but then joining some other discord would feel like 'barging in' to a group that isn't mine. And of course I'd need to find one first, but these days I'm so busy trying to make and run my own stuff... I don't know, maybe I'll end up meeting people through something like that eventually.

For now, I appreciate anyone who comments on any of my stuff.

It seems so alien to me to /not/ explain the cause of any delays! And I'm glad you appreciate the openness.

I was going to mention online connections (but forgot), since I definitely understand their value. The only girlfriend I've ever had started as an online connection, after all. And talking to people online even in comments does help me from feeling completely alone.

I prefer to talk one-on-one with people though, and most of what I've seen from Discord is chatroom-like group interactions? I know you can move to private messages eventually, but wouldn't you have to meet people in the group environment first? With a discord that I myself run, I feel like there's a difference of position which makes things a bit awkward for me, but then joining some other discord would feel like 'barging in' to a group that isn't mine. And of course I'd need to find one first, but these days I'm so busy trying to make and run my own stuff... I don't know, maybe I'll end up meeting people through something like that eventually.

For now, I appreciate anyone who comments on any of my stuff.

Falcon64~4Y

Not all Discord servers are for close-knit groups of friends! You can join a server for indie developers, for example. Surely you wouldn't be "barging" into there!

You can talk privately with any member of a mutual server, or someone in your friend list, so if you think that someone you've met in a server seems interesting, but you want to talk with them one-on-one, you can definitely just start a private conversation straight away. Of course, the receptiveness will vary per person, but that's not any different to real life, I suppose!

There are many very large servers, for example [LINK] (one I've found just now), but you can mute any channels you're not interested in following to make them far less overwhelming. You can likely find smaller servers through them, as people link the servers of their projects and the like.

Tobias 1115~4Y

This is something that I've been thinking about, joining an indie dev discord, but it's less like a social experience and more about promotion/work so it doesn't really scratch the itch I described in this post, unfortunately. It's still something I'll need to do to get word out about the game, though.

As for picking out a stranger from a group and talking to them one-on-one, it's difficult to explain to someone without my weird mental issues how completely impossible that feels!

Maybe eventually I'll be comfortable just dropping into discords every so often and that might be enough.

Dingding32167~4Y

Just a few quick thoughts:
- It's definitely good that you're not doing the same things as everyone else seem to be, and you do seem to get good results in terms of feedback. Your style reflects your preference for deep connections and loyal followers versus hordes of faceless masses, so just remember the quality when judging purely quantity as well.
- Hashtags help a lot. I used to have an instagram page and that's what gets new people coming across your work, and it works in a non-linear pattern--not quite exponential, but probably S shaped. I copy and pasted a list of them and switched some of them around depending on the post, but a lot can be done just by varying how specific you are, for example carrot vs vegetable vs food etc, and describing different aspects (following on from the food example, from taste to cuisine to niche, like vegetarian).
- Really happy you've been improving, I've definitely seen a difference compared to the mid-term days of post-Fig on that website I've completely forgotten the name of, where it was more of a gentle social experience? I sometimes felt like I was treading on eggshells and felt that I might not be liked as much or had to almost apologise for parts of my personality that can sometimes be a little more forceful (I identified as phlegmatic-choleric, from that literally ancient system!)
- You should definitely go for therapy again, everyone has issues to talk through and you're highly aware of what you want out of it so that'll be useful. Don't let your brain talk you into delaying it until after the pandemic has run its course, because you'll keep finding excuses to put it off, plus it's almost beneficial to not need to meet face to face when you have social anxiety. I do feel nervous about phone calls but when I start talking it tends to go away, whereas there are so many other things to worry about in terms of social cues when you're there in person. Plus it helps that they won't know what you look like either, which I find reassuring.
Can only offer my continued support and hope you learn to listen to these positive ones (or at least constructive ones) more than the destructive ones :)

Just a few quick thoughts: 
- It's definitely good that you're not doing the same things as everyone else seem to be, and you do seem to get good results in terms of feedback. Your style reflects your preference for deep connections and loyal followers versus hordes of faceless masses, so just remember the quality when judging purely quantity as well.
- Hashtags help a lot. I used to have an instagram page and that's what gets new people coming across your work, and it works in a non-linear pattern--not quite exponential, but probably S shaped. I copy and pasted a list of them and switched some of them around depending on the post, but a lot can be done just by varying how specific you are, for example carrot vs vegetable vs food etc, and describing different aspects (following on from the food example, from taste to cuisine to niche, like vegetarian).
- Really happy you've been improving, I've definitely seen a difference compared to the mid-term days of post-Fig on that website I've completely forgotten the name of, where it was more of a gentle social experience? I sometimes felt like I was treading on eggshells and felt that I might not be liked as much or had to almost apologise for parts of my personality that can sometimes be a little more forceful (I identified as phlegmatic-choleric, from that literally ancient system!)
- You should definitely go for therapy again, everyone has issues to talk through and you're highly aware of what you want out of it so that'll be useful. Don't let your brain talk you into delaying it until after the pandemic has run its course, because you'll keep finding excuses to put it off, plus it's almost beneficial to not need to meet face to face when you have social anxiety. I do feel nervous about phone calls but when I start talking it tends to go away, whereas there are so many other things to worry about in terms of social cues when you're there in person. Plus it helps that they won't know what you look like either, which I find reassuring.
Can only offer my continued support and hope you learn to listen to these positive ones (or at least constructive ones) more than the destructive ones :)

Tobias 1115~4Y

Following other indie devs has helped with the hashtags thing because I've been looking at what they use, though recently I've only remembered just after tweeting, so that's something I just need to get better at remembering, I think.

It's embarrassing thinking back to when I'd aimed my sights at 'choleric' people for being the cause of all the problems, ugh. I think of that whenever I see people blaming particular groups for all the evils in the world or whatever. I definitely understand things in a much more nuanced way now, but that didn't come out of nowhere; it was a slow buildup from being approached and criticised by so many (young, not exactly socially gentle) strangers. I remember in the naive early days of my websites, I'd read every comment and feel grateful for them all, and the thought of being hurt by them didn't even occur to me. Such a shame things turned out the way they did, but all I can really do now is consider it a learning experience. Sorry if all that ever made things uncomfortable for you!

I greatly prefer talking in person over phone calls! I'd get nothing out of talking to a therapist on the phone, plus there are all the non-trivial aspects of getting one (like how you can linger on a list for months, then when you finally do meet them they say they'll only be seeing you for six weeks), so it'd be easier to just ring a suicide hotline, which aren't always for if you're explicitly suicidal, and which I've used before. They're not exactly useful for me either though. I'd rather just wait until seeing a therapist in person is possible, but even then that presents a problem since it's not as if I live in a city, so there aren't really options around here.

I appreciate your support! I do listen to the positive comments, even if it seems like I'm being dismissive or something.

It's embarrassing thinking back to when I'd aimed my sights at 'choleric' people for being the cause of all the problems, ugh. I think of that whenever I see people blaming particular groups for all the evils in the world or whatever. I definitely understand things in a much more nuanced way now, but that didn't come out of nowhere; it was a slow buildup from being approached and criticised by so many (young, not exactly socially gentle) strangers. I remember in the naive early days of my websites, I'd read every comment and feel grateful for them all, and the thought of being hurt by them didn't even occur to me. Such a shame things turned out the way they did, but all I can really do now is consider it a learning experience. Sorry if all that ever made things uncomfortable for you!

I greatly prefer talking in person over phone calls! I'd get nothing out of talking to a therapist on the phone, plus there are all the non-trivial aspects of getting one (like how you can linger on a list for months, then when you finally do meet them they say they'll only be seeing you for six weeks), so it'd be easier to just ring a suicide hotline, which aren't always for if you're explicitly suicidal, and which I've used before. They're not exactly useful for me either though. I'd rather just wait until seeing a therapist in person is possible, but even then that presents a problem since it's not as if I live in a city, so there aren't really options around here.

I appreciate your support! I do listen to the positive comments, even if it seems like I'm being dismissive or something.

Dingding32167~4Y

I've never felt that you've been dismissive, just kind and respectful as you ask the rest of us to be. A good example!

LotBlind53~4Y

You've been talking about stuff that would be difficult for me to for a long time. I have it difficult around men who don't have any emotional presence or emotional intelligence, too. Men don't let me down, though, since I have fewer expectations of them.

kasheeste2133~4Y

And I highly suspect the the above is exactly why most people are still here. You're an actual person, not some corporate robot crapping out stilted posts "bleep bloop, too many bugs, cyberpunk is delayed again, bleep bloop." and anymore not even a moniker "Oi mate, this fighunter bloke is prolly a right ol' wanker I tell you." Its nice to see that there are real people out there and your constant introspection/self awareness is very interesting. Thus if you'll notice I tend to comment on these posts more than the game detail ones, not to say I don't read them but its somewhat over my head and boring details, the game is either going to be interesting or not, I'd rather play Papers Please for the 10th time with its obscenely simple mechanics and 90's-esc graphics than three quarters of the AAA garbage that gets pumped out anymore.
At the same time I also can't help but feel like these posts are some form of a cry for help which I do find conflicting as you're you're obviously better learned in true psychology than us comment rabble and the fact you're surely aware most (all?) of us aren't the answer. If I didn't live across the pond I'd love to grab a pint and drag you into a fight with those savages who don't acknowledge Arsenal's dominance (or whatever it is you all squabble about, I don't actually know anything about this stuff) but that's just not the way things are. You've admit yourself you feel as if you're backsliding; that you were happiest when you stepped outside of your niche and actually met some people yet here you are in the same place you briefly escaped from. You just need to find a way out again to meet folks with similar interests. You always mention being in a village full of old people... you know what old people like that you're good at? Music... you know who else likes music? Attractive nurses and other lonely healthcare workers who are also stuck in a village of old people. If you were to take yer theremin down to the square (or wherever old people congregate) and start playing The Swan for a few hours a day you'd be married off by the end of the week.

And I highly suspect the the above is exactly why most people are still here. You're an actual person, not some corporate robot crapping out stilted posts "bleep bloop, too many bugs, cyberpunk is delayed again, bleep bloop." and anymore not even a moniker "Oi mate, this fighunter bloke is prolly a right ol' wanker I tell you." Its nice to see that there are real people out there and your constant introspection/self awareness is very interesting. Thus if you'll notice I tend to comment on these posts more than the game detail ones, not to say I don't read them but its somewhat over my head and boring details, the game is either going to be interesting or not, I'd rather play Papers Please for the 10th time with its obscenely simple mechanics and 90's-esc graphics than three quarters of the AAA garbage that gets pumped out anymore. 
At the same time I also can't help but feel like these posts are some form of a cry for help which I do find conflicting as you're you're obviously better learned in true psychology than  us comment rabble and the fact you're surely aware most (all?) of us aren't the answer. If I didn't live across the pond I'd love to grab a pint and drag you into a fight with those savages who don't acknowledge Arsenal's dominance (or whatever it is you all squabble about, I don't actually know anything about this stuff) but that's just not the way things are. You've admit yourself you feel as if you're backsliding; that you were happiest when you stepped outside of your niche and actually met some people yet here you are in the same place you briefly escaped from. You just need to find a way out again to meet folks with similar interests. You always mention being in a village full of old people... you know what old people like that you're good at? Music... you know who else likes music? Attractive nurses and other lonely healthcare workers who are also stuck in a village of old people. If you were to take yer theremin down to the square (or wherever old people congregate) and start playing The Swan for a few hours a day you'd be married off by the end of the week.

Tobias 1115~4Y

It's the music performers who get all the sexy lonely nurse action, not the weirdo composers who keep to themselves!

It's a complicated situation I'm stuck in though, and there's no easy way out. Writing these blog posts isn't just floundering around; I'm able to work through a lot of things just by putting them in writing, and it doesn't seem to be as effective (or at least I'm not as motivated to write anything) if it's only written for my eyes.

The issue isn't that if I find love of fortune or whatever, I'll be happy, so I need to find a way to do that; it's more that I need to realise that even were I to find that, the yearning would still be there because of why it exists in the first place. I've found peace with it before, but no solution lasts forever. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could eat a meal once, and never be hungry again for the rest of your life! Or if you could build your muscles and stayed muscular until you were a hundred.

I don't know if I'd say I was happier when I was around people. I was definitely far more intensely neurotic to the point of attempted suicide, whereas stuck in this pit I'm far calmer overall. The monotony's not great, but neither was the rollercoaster, if I'm being honest.

There's also the fact that even if I were to meet my ~soulmate~ or whatever, what exactly could I provide? It'll be a different story if I find financial success, but since I haven't yet, that's what I need to work on first.

It's the music performers who get all the sexy lonely nurse action, not the weirdo composers who keep to themselves!

It's a complicated situation I'm stuck in though, and there's no easy way out. Writing these blog posts isn't just floundering around; I'm able to work through a lot of things just by putting them in writing, and it doesn't seem to be as effective (or at least I'm not as motivated to write anything) if it's only written for my eyes.

The issue isn't that if I find love of fortune or whatever, I'll be happy, so I need to find a way to do that; it's more that I need to realise that even were I to find that, the yearning would still be there because of why it exists in the first place. I've found peace with it before, but no solution lasts forever. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could eat a meal once, and never be hungry again for the rest of your life! Or if you could build your muscles and stayed muscular until you were a hundred.

I don't know if I'd say I was happier when I was around people. I was definitely far more intensely neurotic to the point of attempted suicide, whereas stuck in this pit I'm far calmer overall. The monotony's not great, but neither was the rollercoaster, if I'm being honest.

There's also the fact that even if I were to meet my ~soulmate~ or whatever, what exactly could I provide? It'll be a different story if I find financial success, but since I haven't yet, that's what I need to work on first.

kasheeste2133~4Y

The first step to not being hungry forever is eating today. That being said I absolutely understand your reservations, I've wrestled with similar questions for most of my adult life. Coming from my extreme religious upbringing I've always viewed it as the whole epistemic loneliness paradox which, lets just say, doesn't have a happy ending. The choice you're then left with is do you just accept your fate of an empty existence until you become one with the void or do you try to make the most of it, put your best foot forward and try to make a meaningful impact on someone's life? You can reach your own conclusions and probably don't need the ramblings of a demented old man but that's the basic premise that helps me make it through the day.
As for the final paragraph we both know that's nonsense... this is the 21st century, its not explicitly your job to be the breadwinner anymore. What you would provide is (ideally) the same thing you'd receive; companionship, intimacy... be a blazing star to provide a glimmer of hope amongst this cold dark world.

The first step to not being hungry forever is eating today. That being said I absolutely understand your reservations, I've wrestled with similar questions for most of my adult life. Coming from my extreme religious upbringing I've always viewed it as the whole epistemic loneliness paradox which, lets just say, doesn't have a happy ending. The choice you're then left with is do you just accept your fate of an empty existence until you become one with the void or do you try to make the most of it, put your best foot forward and try to make a meaningful impact on someone's life? You can reach your own conclusions and probably don't need the ramblings of a demented old man but that's the basic premise that helps me make it through the day. 
As for the final paragraph we both know that's nonsense... this is the 21st century, its not explicitly your job to be the breadwinner anymore. What you would provide is (ideally) the same thing you'd receive; companionship, intimacy... be a blazing star to provide a glimmer of hope amongst this cold dark world.

Alban12320~4Y

You know what bro, you are not an alien at all alright, many people around the world feel like that today and it's not that you are strange or something, but maybe it's because you are special/unique and you know today is hard to find special people who actually have feelings about everything, so if you haven't been able to find the right person to bond it doesn't mean you are worthless it means you still haven't been able to find someone who is special/unique as you that's all.

About your hole in the soul: well i could write about that for hours and belive me many people have this problem sometimes, but it's not permanent, you know the hole in our soul it's not caused by others but by ourselves, so if you wanna fill it or cure it, the only place you are gonna find that cure is at your self, if you don't find that you'll never fill it, and the proof for that is : how many people are there who are married and are not happy, how many people are there that have many friends but yet again are not happy, if you understand the reality of this world your life will be different.

And one of the bigest reason that makes you feel like that is the "computer", i know i've experienced it myself, have you wondered sometimes that you are living in a world inside a world, i mean where do you spend more time, enjoying your "real life" as it is, or trying to live in a different world (in computer/games) that doesn't exist. The more you avoid your real life the more that hole will grow, so even if you spend time making games, try also to enjoy your real life.

And the answer to everything in this world is love, unconditional love so go find that love, don't show your feelings only at your site, show them also in real life tell your family how you feel tell your brother too don't let it grove in your heart, you are a great man Tobias i know that because your games reflects who you are, your music reflects who you are, you are a great man but this world of today is so full of shit and it doesn't appreciate creators like you who put so much love and work in their games for the simple reason that you don't work for big game companies.

I love your work so much and you are not worthless to me, believe me i speak english today because of your game Mardek, everyday i look at your tweeter, website, patreon page for something new that you would post, for the only reason that your work means something to me and what you've done (your games, music etc) it's and always be a part of my life.

I have faith in you and i hope that one day you will be succeful with your games and will find someone to bond with.

For the end i would suggest that you read some books of David Icke, or watch some of his interviews on LondonReal.com, he really explains in the best way what this world really is and i think it would help you process this phase of life.

About your hole in the soul: well i could write about that for hours and belive me many people have this problem sometimes, but it's not permanent, you know the hole in our soul it's not caused by others but by ourselves, so if you wanna fill it or cure it, the only place you are gonna find that cure is at your self, if you don't find that you'll never fill it, and the proof for that is : how many people are there who are married and are not happy, how many people are there that have many friends but yet again are not happy, if you understand the reality of this world your life will be different.

And one of the bigest reason that makes you feel like that is the "computer", i know i've experienced it myself, have you wondered sometimes that you are living in a world inside a world, i mean where do you spend more time, enjoying your "real life" as it is, or trying to live in a different world (in computer/games) that doesn't exist. The more you avoid your real life the more that hole will grow, so even if you spend time making games, try also to enjoy your real life.

And the answer to everything in this world is love, unconditional love so go find that love, don't show your feelings only at your site, show them also in real life tell your family how you feel tell your brother too don't let it grove in your heart, you are a great man Tobias i know that because your games reflects who you are, your music reflects who you are, you are a great man but this world of today is so full of shit and it doesn't appreciate creators like you who put so much love and work in their games for the simple reason that you don't work for big game companies.

I love your work so much and you are not worthless to me, believe me i speak english today because of your game Mardek, everyday i look at your tweeter, website, patreon page for something new that you would post, for the only reason that your work means something to me and what you've done (your games, music etc) it's and always be a part of my life.

I have faith in you and i hope that one day you will be succeful with your games and will find someone to bond with.

For the end i would suggest that you read some books of David Icke, or watch some of his interviews on LondonReal.com, he really explains in the best way what this world really is and i think it would help you process this phase of life.

Tobias 1115~4Y

Anyone who's at either extreme end of the statistical bell curve with regard to important characteristics is going to struggle to find like minds. I wouldn't say I'm unique, but rather people like me are statistically difficult to find.

Taming the desire rather than acquiring what my mind thinks it needs was the whole point of this post, so I get that! Our brains have intense 'wanting' systems that drive us to acquire resources in service of our biological mission, though, so resisting those is a constant fight against our nature rather than a button you press once and call it done forever. Unfortunately! It's like deciding not to feel hungry.

I'd say that virtual worlds present the possibility to create more interesting experiences than the mundane shared one we never chose to be born into! There's not exactly anything to do in the 'real world' around here - I'd go out more if there was - but a computer screen presents infinite possibilities.

I often wonder whether the reason we never meet alien species is because they all reach a point where they can just create their own virtual worlds far more capable of fulfilling their specific needs than the void of space and the imagined potentials it might contain ever could...

Unfortunately, just rekindling connections with my family is sort of like telling an arachnophobe to get - and frequently play with - a tarantula, or something! It'll take time.

I'm glad that MARDEK could have such an influence on you! Makes the effort feel worthwhile. Hopefully I'll be able to bring something else with that kind of value into the world again. Thanks for your support!

Taming the /desire/ rather than acquiring what my mind thinks it needs was the whole point of this post, so I get that! Our brains have intense 'wanting' systems that drive us to acquire resources in service of our biological mission, though, so resisting those is a constant fight against our nature rather than a button you press once and call it done forever. Unfortunately! It's like deciding not to feel hungry.

I'd say that virtual worlds present the possibility to create more interesting experiences than the mundane shared one we never chose to be born into! There's not exactly anything to do in the 'real world' around here - I'd go out more if there was - but a computer screen presents infinite possibilities.

I often wonder whether the reason we never meet alien species is because they all reach a point where they can just create their own virtual worlds far more capable of fulfilling their specific needs than the void of space and the imagined potentials it /might/ contain ever could...

Unfortunately, just rekindling connections with my family is sort of like telling an arachnophobe to get - and frequently play with - a tarantula, or something! It'll take time.

I'm glad that MARDEK could have such an influence on you! Makes the effort feel worthwhile. Hopefully I'll be able to bring something else with that kind of value into the world again. Thanks for your support!

mount201046~4Y

So, some things outside may not seem interesting until you actually try them, and they might become actually valuable learning experiences! As a fellow anxiety riddled person, I thought going to the supermarket wasn't interesting until I actually tried it. The first time I went I was so anxious I circled around the block several times and then didn't go in, because I didn't want to look like a thief. Getting past that fear was interesting and liberating.

What I'm saying is, while going outside may be mundane, and a lot may stop you e.g. COVID and the mask requirement, it's still nice to have *freedom from yourself*, and the knowledge that going outside isn't unfamilar anymore, so that you can escape your mind and the Internet, if you need to.

Tobias 1115~4Y

Congratulations on pushing through that fear! I've been there, and I know how restrictive the anxiety can be.

Perhaps it's not obvious from what I talk about here, but there are many things I can do now - or at least have done recently - that would have been unthinkable to me a few years ago. Going to shops is one example; I had to shop for myself every other day when I lived away at university. Going on a bus is another one that I can do if I need to these days but which took a whole lot of psyching myself up and researching exactly what to say!! at the beginning.

The issue these days isn't that I'm too scared to go anywhere, it's that that there's nowhere to go. It's frustrating. I can do the mundane stuff if I need to, but then it just becomes a chore and the fundamental issues remain. Unfortunately!

(I don't go to the shop often these days just because it's so inconveniently far away that I can't easily walk there and back, which is a situational annoyance.)

TheFifteenthMember9~4Y

Hi Tobias,
A few thoughts:

Firstly, I really hope that you never become a distanced “professional” in a suit. I have rarely commented before but reading about your experiences over the years has been a fruitful, educational endeavour. From your struggles, I’ve come to understand parts of myself much more than I have before. Frankly, no one writes a blog with the same content or style as you do and your blog is arguably a more valuable experience than your games are. It’s the honesty in this blog that compelled me to purchase a copy of MARDEK, without having any intention to play it, just to support you.

Secondly, I believe that the waning interest in your game development posts is down to how long the development process is. Not only do you have perfectionist tendencies, but you also have an artistic soul, which means that you work with the intention of creating an absolutely polished product where every aspect -characters, items, enemies, gameplay- are all excellent. While this mentality is what makes you produce amazing games, it’s also why it takes so many months to release a game. Unfortunately, some degree of pragmatism has to be employed and there are some tasks that aren’t worth the time. For example, spending many days on a few enemy designs is not a good output to time ratio. Whether your game releases in three months or in nine months, my estimation is that the money earned would not much different because the limiting factor is the awareness, not the game quality. My advice on making a more financially sustainable product would be to focus on only a few aspects of the game (perhaps it’s dialogue and characters) that you really want to stand out and for the players to remember the game by. Then, allow yourself to make the periphery aspects (e.g. enemies, items) of a mediocre quality to cut development time. That said, I’m by no means any expert in game development so take my input with a pinch of salt.

I wish you all the best.

Hi Tobias,
A few thoughts:

Firstly, I really hope that you never become a distanced “professional” in a suit. I have rarely commented before but reading about your experiences over the years has been a fruitful, educational endeavour. From your struggles, I’ve come to understand parts of myself much more than I have before. Frankly, no one writes a blog with the same content or style as you do and your blog is arguably a more valuable experience than your games are. It’s the honesty in this blog that compelled me to purchase a copy of MARDEK, without having any intention to play it, just to support you.

Secondly, I believe that the waning interest in your game development posts is down to how long the development process is. Not only do you have perfectionist tendencies, but you also have an artistic soul, which means that you work with the intention of creating an absolutely polished product where every aspect -characters, items, enemies, gameplay- are all excellent. While this mentality is what makes you produce amazing games, it’s also why it takes so many months to release a game. Unfortunately, some degree of pragmatism has to be employed and there are some tasks that aren’t worth the time. For example, spending many days on a few enemy designs is not a good output to time ratio. Whether your game releases in three months or in nine months, my estimation is that the money earned would not much different because the limiting factor is the awareness, not the game quality. My advice on making a more financially sustainable product would be to focus on only a few aspects of the game (perhaps it’s dialogue and characters) that you really want to stand out and for the players to remember the game by. Then, allow yourself to make the periphery aspects (e.g. enemies, items) of a mediocre quality to cut development time. That said, I’m by no means any expert in game development so take my input with a pinch of salt.

I wish you all the best.

Tobias 1115~4Y

I'm very glad to hear you find such value in my ramblings! It's good to know my efforts aren't wasted, though unfortunately it's so hard to monetise something like this... A shame.

I'm actually trying to not be a perfectionist with my development these days, but I think unless you actually do the work, it's not clear how long everything takes. How long would you think it takes to make a monster? What steps do you think it involves? (You should see the ludicrous amount of steps AAA games involve to make any asset!) I try to be finished as quickly as possible with everything, but typically things do take days rather than a few minutes. It's why most games are made by teams of specialists and still take years to manifest!

I am however taking my time at the moment tweaking the battle mechanics, because I feel that unless those are just right, people won't care about the game. Once I'm done with this, the other bits should come along smoothly... but it's so hard to predict how long everything will take.

Depression is also an issue; sometimes I have plans for a day but can't complete them because I can't concentrate at all.

Chances are a lot of aspects I don't care as much about will end up quite mediocre; I'm considering the animations and particle effects 'good enough!' for the most part, for example!

I'm very glad to hear you find such value in my ramblings! It's good to know my efforts aren't wasted, though unfortunately it's so hard to monetise something like this... A shame.

I'm actually trying to /not/ be a perfectionist with my development these days, but I think unless you actually do the work, it's not clear how long everything takes. How long would you think it takes to make a monster? What steps do you think it involves? (You should see the ludicrous amount of steps AAA games involve to make any asset!) I try to be finished as quickly as possible with everything, but typically things do take days rather than a few minutes. It's why most games are made by teams of specialists and /still/ take years to manifest!

I am however taking my time at the moment tweaking the battle mechanics, because I feel that unless those are just right, people won't care about the game. Once I'm done with this, the other bits /should/ come along smoothly... but it's so hard to predict how long everything will take.

Depression is also an issue; sometimes I have plans for a day but can't complete them because I can't concentrate at all.

Chances are a lot of aspects I don't care as much about will end up quite mediocre; I'm considering the animations and particle effects 'good enough!' for the most part, for example!

Comment deleted

Tobias 1115~4Y

What books have you been reading?? That's something I should probably do more myself, though I never know where to start.

I don't really understand how people are all so detached. Sometimes it makes me feel like everyone must be some kind of robot or NPC or something, or maybe they're all snails with protective shells they've grown over the years, while I'm some naked slug squirming moistly around for all to see.

I've had a couple of close relationships, I suppose? They're the kind of thing I actively sought and felt I'd never be complete without, but they both ended badly, and the pain of that is something that stabs at me every single day. I suppose it's almost like getting a pair of wings grafted to you, so they become a part of you, allow you to fly and experience things you never could before... but then they get torn off due to some horrible mistake you make, and you're just left with a pair of deep scars that constantly ache. I often wonder whether the scars and painful memories are worth whatever value I got out of the experiences while I was in the midst of them. I know that both of them made me much more emotionally volatile than at any other time because I was constantly afraid of losing what I had... and then I did anyway.

I saw a video recently where a guy in his 40s or 50s was talking about his young life as a Chad, making huge money and having so much promiscuous sex he couldn't even estimate his partner count. He also said though that he was the most miserable then, incredibly depressed by it all, and has found peace only by getting away from it all and living a frugal, solitary life. Seems a lot of the things that sound like they should be amazing actually don't feel that way once you have them... and it's notable that the happiest people in the world are monks who live in secluded monastaries.

Regarding RSS, I used to have one of those, but removed it a while back since they seemed to be obsolete! Everything changes so fast...

What books have you been reading?? That's something I should probably do more myself, though I never know where to start.

I don't really understand how people are all so detached. Sometimes it makes me feel like everyone must be some kind of robot or NPC or something, or maybe they're all snails with protective shells they've grown over the years, while I'm some naked slug squirming moistly around for all to see.

I've had a couple of close relationships, I suppose? They're the kind of thing I actively sought and felt I'd never be complete without, but they both ended badly, and the pain of that is something that stabs at me every single day. I suppose it's almost like getting a pair of wings grafted to you, so they become a part of you, allow you to fly and experience things you never could before... but then they get torn off due to some horrible mistake you make, and you're just left with a pair of deep scars that constantly ache. I often wonder whether the scars and painful memories are worth whatever value I got out of the experiences while I was in the midst of them. I know that both of them made me much more emotionally volatile than at any other time because I was constantly afraid of losing what I had... and then I did anyway.

I saw a video recently where a guy in his 40s or 50s was talking about his young life as a /Chad/, making huge money and having so much promiscuous sex he couldn't even estimate his partner count. He also said though that he was the most miserable then, incredibly depressed by it all, and has found peace only by getting away from it all and living a frugal, solitary life. Seems a lot of the things that sound like they should be amazing actually don't feel that way once you have them... and it's notable that the happiest people in the world are monks who live in secluded monastaries.

Regarding RSS, I used to have one of those, but removed it a while back since they seemed to be obsolete! Everything changes so fast...

capnbunnypaws11~4Y

As someone who was neglected and abused as a child, and still carries some scars to this day... let me tell you...

You should focus on healing yourself first, or healing as much as you can, because a relationship or bond is not going to fill that void. At the end of the day, you'll be entirely dependant on another person to feel whole, and that can be detrimental to you and unfair to that person. In a friendship/relationship, both people complement each other, it's not supposed to be a cure.

The best way to get better is to learn about the world, learn about all kinds of people, avoid thinking in extremes, in labels, and keeping in mind that every single person in the earth is imperfect. From the multi millionaire CEO to that guy working in retail... everyone has problems of all kinds, everyone has quirks, unpleasant habits, things that annoy them, things they'd rather not share with others, etc. Just because you're seeing a portion of them in social media/business it doesn't mean it is what they are. Usually, people don't enjoy talking to strangers about their personal issues, it is understandable, especially now a days.

As someone who was neglected and abused as a child, and still carries some scars to this day... let me tell you...

You should focus on healing yourself first, or healing as much as you can, because a relationship or bond is not going to fill that void. At the end of the day, you'll be entirely dependant on another person to feel whole, and that can be detrimental to you and unfair to that person. In a friendship/relationship, both people complement each other, it's not supposed to be a cure.

The best way to get better is to learn about the world, learn about all kinds of people, avoid thinking in extremes, in labels, and keeping in mind that every single person in the earth is imperfect. From the multi millionaire CEO to that guy working in retail... everyone has problems of all kinds, everyone has quirks, unpleasant habits, things that annoy them, things they'd rather not share with others, etc. Just because you're seeing a portion of them in social media/business it doesn't mean it is what they are. Usually, people don't enjoy talking to strangers about their personal issues, it is understandable, especially now a days.

LevProtter42~4Y

Been thinking a lot about the human connection thing, from a different angle.
Obviously we are social creatures, and the status quo is an absolute nightmare. The need to monetize thing also prevents anyone from committing to deep collaboration.
I keep coming back to how multiple people have always been more than the sum of their group, and how the pressure of 'self realization', and 'independence', are fundamentally flawed.

On the place on the internet vibe, having a website is far more valuable (in my view)
than a massive twitter following. Nobody 'comes back' to some guy they used to follow on some dead social network 2 decades from now.
The depth of 'engagement' isn't even comparable.

I'm still putting my blog together, and being locked down to a 'platform' feels off.
Also, check out the Fediverse. Though not that popular, the types of communities that form on those social networks are of a different quality.

All the best, Lev.

Tobias 1115~4Y

I've never heard of Fediverse, and even after looking it up I'm not entirely sure what it is! It sounds interesting, if I'm interpreting what I've seen correctly, though is it something that's been tried and didn't really go anywhere, or something emerging? It sounds similar to how websites were arranged in Hypnospace Outlaw, which I played recently...

LevProtter42~4Y

It's basically a bunch of decentralized social networks that can interface with each other.
It has the advantage of customization too, though I never used it... I'd say it's *sorta?* emerging?
I don't know, the internet is weird.