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Metamorphosis?

8 years ago2,815 words

I went to the hospital today to talk about the test results of the biopsy on my brain tumour... though my mind's been elsewhere lately. Can I change what I am? Do I even want to?

To cut a long story short, the person I talked to told me this: the results were inconclusive. They don't really know what it is.

The surgeon who actually operated on me has been on holiday for the last couple of weeks (understandable; it IS summer and he has a family), and he's the pineal specialist, so his expertise is really needed to come to a proper conclusion. He's back next week, and I'll need to have some more scans next week too for a few reasons.

The people who studied what few cells were taken from the tumour suspect it is either a 'papillary pineal tumour' (which seems to be a class of tumours; a vague description and little more), some other kind I can't remember the name of, or possibly - though very unlikely - a tumour that's spread from some other part of my body. So I have to have a scan of not just my head to see if it's grown (the tumour, not my head), but my whole body to look for tumours elsewhere, and my spine to see if any bits of the tumour have 'dropped off' and grown tumours elsewhere in there (I didn't know that could happen!). On a scale of 1 (least concern) to 4 (DEATH CANCER!!), papillary pineal tumours - which are extremely rare (aren't I special?) - tend to be a 2 or 3... But every case is different, and it's harder to tell whether a tumour would be a safer 1.

So essentially, everything's still unknown, and I have to do more waiting. It's a bother, if not a surprise, though it's also a relief, since it at least delays any life-shattering bad news. The possibility that it's something they can just monitor rather than doing an operation is also still on the table, so I'll cling to that for the sake of my own sanity. Hope for the best...

I found a wild Hitmonlee in Pokemon GO on the way back, and failed to catch it because the internet disconnected and the encounter was terminated. That bothered me more than anything the doctor said! Clearly my priorities are sensible.

But also on the way there and back (it's a 90 minute trip), I listened to the audio version of a book called The Road Less Travelled, which is apparently well-known enough for me to have vaguely heard of it before. It's subtitled "the classic work on relationships, spiritual growth, and life's meaning", and the author is described like this:



Before I even delved into the book, I felt the same resentment and scepticism I tend to feel when I see these books that boast they'll change your life, which are written by successful men with many achievements and credentials to their name... I mean, obviously it gives the work much more credence than if it were written by Joe Bloggs off the street, but it always makes me think "well of course this person is happy and fulfilled; he has everything one might want from life! I'd be more satisfied with life too if I had what he had!". I always wonder whether whatever philosophy they tout as The Answer would serve them as well if they were in a position of relative lack, as I feel I am.

I listened to it regardless though, interested to hear what he had to say. I was especially curious to see if it lined up with or contradicted works like The Power of Now which moved me so deeply and genuinely did alter my view on life drastically (though in that case, it was the personal story of the author, Eckhart Tolle, that won me over, as he'd experienced profound bliss in the absence of any worldly achievements, possessions or relationships, and as such seemed more relatable and relevant to my own life situation).

I've only listened to a couple of hours of it, but so far there has been a lot that's got me thinking. Many things that are in line with what I've already recognised as wise. Others that clash with the other perspectives. Perhaps in coming days I'll write in more detail about its teachings, as I feel writing things out in your own words allows you to integrate them more fully than just being a passive listener, but for now I'd like to mention just a few of the things.

He talked about how a child's upbringing influences its adult attitudes immensely. How a child who doesn't feel loved and valued by its parents is unlikely to ever truly feel lovable or valuable as an adult; how this leads to dependency, neuroticism, character faults and so on. It's hardly a profound epiphany, but it does seem annoyingly true, at least in part. Especially irritating since it's beyond our own control how we're raised, and there's nothing we can do to go back in time to change it. We're stuck with what we've got.

I was texting with my friend yesterday (a fact I mention largely to remind myself that such things actually do happen on occasion), and she mentioned that a relative was at her house with her one-and-a-half-year-old little boy, who was tormenting her dog by pulling its tail and throwing a ball at it and such. Cruel, I thought; I doubted I was like that as a child. She mentioned the 'terrible twos', and how most children tend to misbehave at that age. I wondered what I was like as a tiny tot; I know my mother's told me tales of me being neurotic, crying about everything, hiding and so on. But of course I don't remember details myself. I doubted I was ever mischievous in that extroverted, tormenting sense though.

I had a chance to ask my mother today, and she told me about how when she took me to some thing before I was even a year old - an appointment with a nurse or something to check that the child was developing properly, etc - I stacked some small blocks, at least a dozen, up into a tall tower; the only reason it wasn't any taller was because I ran out of blocks. Apparently the nurse or whoever it was was amazed, said she'd never seen another child that age do such a thing. ∞ According to this thing ∞, block stacking abilities increase with age; a typical three-year-old can stack nine, but a child below the age of one can barely manipulate objects, if at all.

She told me this as an anecdote to show how I'd always been intelligent, and - as with all stories that stroke one's own ego - it was satisfying to hear. Of course, it's entirely unverifiable, and she didn't remember exactly how old I was, so I should of course take it with a grain of salt... But it would fit, I think, with how I am now, so I see no reason to doubt it.

She also said that I was a stubborn child; 'different' from others, with a strong sense of identity that I didn't want to change to suit others, and very picky about who I interacted with. Totally unlike how I am now, of course!!

It's interesting to hear stories like that of my past self... But it makes me concerned about how much we actually can change as people. I want to grow, to change, to overcome the flaws that hold me back... But if I've always been much the same, I wonder whether I even can.

I try to look for seeds of personal growth everywhere, and ∞ this Cracked article ∞ was another thing I saw today that got me thinking. Essentially, it talks about how we all tend to come up with these fanciful, pie in the sky sorts of ideals we think define us, which we think are our beliefs or goals, which we 'want' to embrace in order to become our idea of the perfect person... But how in truth, it's our daily time-wasting actions that are our real closely-held beliefs and values. That we're more likely to truly value watching inane YouTube videos over, say, 'eating healthy' or 'saving the planet', because we devote time to the former but not to the latter. We say we want to be the sort of person that makes a difference, that others would admire, but that 'want' is just some insubstantial wish that we never actually act upon. Instead, we look at those who embody it and say "how do they do it?", assuming it's some gift from the gods or 'talent' that we simply lack. Instead, it's likely that instead of magically metamorphosing into some 'Better Person' in ten years, we'll be the same as we are now, but with more wrinkles.

I think it's a fairly insightful and relatable way of describing such a common psychological phenomenon, and I have mixed experiences with and thoughts about it myself.

I 'wanted' to make my own games. So I did. I did research to teach myself how to code, compose, hone my drawing skills, etc. When I wasn't sure of the solution to a specific problem, I looked online for the answer, or asked others. Because of that, I've built some fairly ambitious things that - while annoyingly unfinished - other people have admired not just for their appeal, but for the fact that I made them and all their assets alone. I've heard "how did you do that?" and "I could never do something like that!" many times. I've also been asked by multiple people to share my gift with them, to teach them everything they need to know to be able to do what I can do, or I've heard people say things like "I can't wait until I can go to uni and learn games development skills there" or "I can't go to any classes to learn those skills, so I'll never be able to do it", which just made me think "why don't you teach yourself right now??", baffled and sort of annoyed that they weren't acting on their desire to develop skills, that they needed some external force to push them, as I didn't.

So in some way, I do know what it's like to be the sort of person who actually makes my dream a reality through hard work. It's a common thing in the world of drawing, too; hearing people say things like "I can't draw a straight line!", hearing them speak as if the ability to draw is some kind of divine boon you're born with... while knowing that it's never 'talent', it's skill, honed by hours upon hours of tedious study. I know from all that to attain anything, you have a mountain to climb. It's long and hard work, and you need the discipline to keep at it. I've had that discipline... to some degree.

And yet I know that I falter far more when it comes to developing myself personality-wise, at least in recent years. I know that there are various fears to face, flaws to tame... But I hide away from them every day because those very fears are what prevent me from seeking out their solutions.

I'm terrified of going back to university in September because my social situation will likely change. I made two friends in the first week, but no others, and I focused most of my attention on one. The other made many more friends, but my 'best friend' and I didn't, really. She made a few acquaintances here and there, people to add on Facebook, and she had a boyfriend since long before we met, but for much of the time, it was just me and her, sitting together in class and going out for weekly walks and such.

But we both want to join societies in this second year... and that will involve meeting other people, perhaps together with her. Going for nights out to pubs and things. Normal people. Male people.

She wants to join the Gaming society, which is, of course, full of guys. Even though she has a boyfriend already, I feel jealous about this because I worry that one will steal my role... I immediately assume all other guys are more interesting, more appealing, less off-putting. Better than me. They're threatening, they're competition. I don't want to befriend them myself because I see them because I see them as unlike me, or too like me, as obnoxious reminders of a lifetime of bad experiences on my websites and through childhood and my teenage years.

I'm scared of males. The idea of being with one alone, or being in a group of many, makes me break out in a sweat. My heart races when I pass pairs or groups of young males in the street. Bracing myself for ridicule, either voiced openly or muttered with a smirk between one another once I've passed. I feel like a poodle amongst wolves or something.

It's ridiculous, and a huge, huge social impediment. I wish I didn't think and feel this way about 50% of the population!

In that book, Dr Beakstab talked of how we have inner 'maps' of the world, which we use to chart our course and identify landmarks, etc. An analogy for what I know as ∞ psychological schemata ∞: a set of 'rules' that define our world and our reactions to it. People resist changes to these maps, he said, because then they'd be lost; they deny evidence that contradicts them, as the firmly faithful might deny evolution. Unless, of course, they want to grow... but even then, revisions to the map can seem like such overwhelmingly immense undertakings that it's best not to bother; it can't be done.

I know my map, my schemata, is wrong. An impediment. It's full of bizarre judgements that lock me away in my mind, prevent me from making social connections even when they offer themselves to me on a platter, instead choosing to bemoan my loneliness.

I don't like men... but I don't want that to be a part of me. And yet it seems as easy to truly convince me otherwise as it is to convince an atheist to believe in a specific god, even when I'm the one trying to do the convincing!

I've always been the way I am now... I want to change, but can I? Do I even want to change, though? Why?

I don't think I even truly want social relationships in the way that others might see them. They seem like a burden to me, unless they're deeply intimate in a way that they only could be with the opposite sex. My ideal situation would be to have one wonderful bond with a partner, and nothing else; I wouldn't need a bunch of friends beyond that. So the idea of going out boozing with a bunch of roaring masculine 'lads' is as appealing to me as eating live cockroaches.

And yet I feel I 'must' do it, because I'd hate to trap that hypothetical partner in that closed system if they'd prefer more freedom, and... I suppose this is all something I should write about at length some other time, as there's a lot to explore. A lot I feel I need to explore, to overcome, in order to grow.

Dr Quickkiss also speaks of how 'winning at life' - as I believe the youth of today might put it, oh my - isn't about never suffering, but rather about facing suffering head on. Suffering is growth. The same concept is at the heart of mindfulness. You aren't meant to aim to never suffer, but rather to accept suffering rather than avoiding it.

This is wise and true... But I avoid emotional pain daily because I feel too lacking in resources to deal with it.

I feel that if there's any hope of me becoming a better person, of escaping my self-made psychological cage and facing the world, of achieving the things I'd like to achieve, then I need to learn to embrace suffering... That one thing could be the key that unlocks everything.

But I'll write about that in depth another time. Probably. For now, I'm [various excuses].