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Creative Envy
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,668 words
Did you know that Toby Fox composed a music track for Pokemon Sword & Shield? Because I didn't, and when I found out, I felt so weirdly envious about it! But why??

I've tried like half a dozen times over the past week or two to write a personal post, but lacked the mental energy to think of how to talk about the depression for the umpteenth time in a way that wasn't completely like a broken record. So I never finished them. This one's about some unrelated distraction though! Kind of.

(Sorry about being particularly bad at replying to stuff though! That's also because of the depression. I feel it might be lifting a bit now though, thankfully!)



I finished Pokemon Sword maybe a week or two ago, which meant that I could listen to its soundtrack without any risk of spoilers (which tracks with titles like "DUMBLEDORE LICH BATTLE" in the expected lass boss position of the list very much are).

I always have mixed feelings about listening to soundtracks! On the one hand, a big reason I play games is so that when I've finished them, I 'earn' the chance to integrate some tracks from the OST into my regular playlists - the ones I have to listen to in order to stay productive while working, because silence or something with voices makes it too hard to focus - so I get quite excited about playing games with good music. I wish I'd finished Octopath Traveler for this reason! On the other hand, though, I worry that by repeatedly listening to pieces, I'll drain them of their emotional impact, so that if I ever do replay the game, they'll lose their effect during their proper context. That's not even how it works, really, and re-hearing a familiar piece tends to have more impact, but it's still some odd quirk my mind seems to have.

(I've been wondering whether to replay the Playstation-era Final Fantasies recently, and this is a big reason why I'm hesitating, since I've listened to their soundtracks to death and hearing those tracks in their proper context was an enormous part of the games' appeal for me back when I first explored them. Would they feel the same?!?)

It took me a few days to finally start listening to Sword's OST for that reason. I'd happily buy the soundtrack if it was an indie game, but since I've no idea how or where I'd get an OST for a Switch game, I instead googled free copies to download in bulk so then I could add some tracks to my offline playlists. I did - and was annoyed that some of them seemed to cut off before the end so I'll have to find a better copy and do the whole thing again, ugh - and almost all of the tracks list 'Minako Adachi, Go Ichinose' (heehee, itchy nose, and yes I know that's not how it's pronounced) as the composers. Makes me wonder who did what, and how they'd feel about being credited as a pair rather than individually for each track they composed. Or maybe they collaborated on them all? I also recognise at least one of the names (Go Ichinose); I think he must have done the music for other Pokemon games maybe?

(Hmm, Bulbapedia tells me Go Ichinose ("Go, Itchynose! Use Scratch!") has been composing the music since Generation 2, and I wonder if he's the one mainly responsible for the distinct Pokemon music sound! I think I've also transcribed some pieces by him... yet I just had to look up who he was or what he'd done.)

Almost all the tracks listed them as the composers. Except one battle track, which for some reason had as its composer famed internet darling Toby Fox!

"Wait, that's not right", I said aloud to my wall at full volume. "Maybe whoever assembled these files for this dodgy games soundtrack website accidentally selected some Undertale music and applied the composer name to all of them and caught this track by accident", I continued aloud, at the floor this time because I didn't want it to feel left out. I listened to the track again, and thought hmm, maybe it's more than just a metadata error; this does sound like he composed it - it feels very familiar - so maybe it's just taken from Undertale or something and crammed in here because everyone loves that guy and inserts his work everywhere even where it doesn't belong?? "This OST is boring, better add an Undertale track at the end just because!"

So I checked the track on a YouTube playlist:



And I see from that that is is indeed composed by Toby Fox! You were probably all already aware he'd made music for that game, but I was very surprised!!

And profoundly envious, of course. Not only has he made a huge impact with his own game(s), but he's somehow wormed his way into the latest main installment of ∞ literally the most successful media franchise in the world ∞. God, some peoples' career trajectories!

(As an aside, have you ever heard of Anpanman, a Japanese thing for children about an anthropomorphic red-bean-paste-filled-pastry superhero? Because I hadn't, but it's apparently been more financially successful than essentially all of the cultural juggernauts that have become worldwide household names!)

It just feels more valid or something, more like a marker of 'real success', even though Undertale surely made millions and influenced people much, much more than a single track on a game's soundtrack would. I know I'd feel like I'd really made it! if something of mine was included in a main series Pokemon game!

I suppose it's why people fantasise about being part of big games companies, despite the lack of individual identity and acknowledgement as just a cog in the machine... Being a part of something you grew up with, and which made a huge impression on everyone around you, must be an amazing feeling.

The reason I'm writing this post though is because of how people speak about Toby Fox in the comments of that video. It's something I saw on the Undertale post I wrote here too.

People speak about him as if they're on personal terms with him, like he's their friend, they're on a first-name basis. "Haha, typical Toby!" Maybe it's just out of syntactic convenience, or maybe there's more to it than that. We talk about Mozart and Michelangelo, but not Fox. It feels more personal, less distant or formal. (I usually see Toby Fox though, both names, which is... interesting?)

I suppose it's this way with most creators - I assume fans of, say, youtubers or streamers do the same thing - and I find it interesting how this kind of unidirectional and completely unreciprocated parasocial relationship develops. Maybe the same is true of people who follow celebrities, too? Probably. I've been noticing the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard mess lately, and people do speak about them like this, usually with both names.

I suppose this feels remarkably different though because if you're referring to a celebrity or streamer by their first name, it's because you're used to seeing them perform, whereas for creators or artworks like music or games, it feels more like a positive appraisal of their more abstract creative worth rather than just their charisma or looks as a biological person. More mental, less physical and primal. Or something. Or maybe all these people are used to seeing him perform in a context I'm just not aware of?

Or maybe people talk about me in the same way, or at least used to when I was actually slightly known? I don't know! (Or I suppose it was 'Pseudo(lonewolf)' back then since I used a PSEUDOnym (HAHAHA JOKE), and I did notice people talking about me like that?)

It also seems to be something unique to creators and performers, maybe? I'm reminded of this quote by Picasso, which you might be familiar with since it's the sort of thing that's plastered all over these motivational images and which people probably share on social media:



But then again we have things like Napoleon, Hitler, Obama... Not Pablo, Adolf, or Barack as much, but not Bonaparte either!

One of the comments on that video said (in a memey format) that 80% of the reason they played Pokemon Sword was because Toby Fox had composed a track for it.

But what's the psychological motivation there exactly? Why does this bring them pleasure? I'm assuming it brings pleasure. Is it mere familiarity, or something more like incorporation of oneself into the other person's impact, kind of like how people speak of sports teams as 'we' and revel vicariously in their victories as if they did anything more than sat in front of a television screen, and personally earned it? Maybe it's not exactly the same, though, since there seems to be a more spectator-ly distance when speaking about creators? Or maybe they do see him as 'one of us'? Hmm.

Also, I don't know how old Toby Fox is or what he looks like, since if he's younger and ~prettier~ than me, which he probably is, then that's just more reason to feel envious (even though the very idea of feeling envious of someone who's already worlds away from me in essentially every way is absurd, I know). I saw a youtube video a while back that flashed a picture which made me assume from the context was of him, and it was some attractive, blonde, Chadly young man with his arms around two pretty girls. "Great", I said to my only friend the wall (I consider the floor more of an acquaintance, but don't tell it I said that because it won't understand as it is a floor, and you can't anyway because it neglects all its online accounts). But then I saw another video more recently which also flashed up a picture which the context more strongly suggested was him, and he looked like a scrawny, ratty, nerdy guy with dubious facial hair, like me; the kind of guy I'd not be intimidated by and might even be friends with - if I was capable of being friends with anyone, anyway - which felt surprisingly... relieving? Something like that?

The actual reality of his physical stats isn't all that important or interesting to me (I can't decide whether I'd rather not know, or not), though as I've said a bunch of times before, the psychology behind internal reactions is what fascinates me.

There's a concept called egoistic relative deprivation that I've talked about on this blog before, probably years ago. It's where people feel extreme envy when people they feel essentially on the same level as do better than they do. If your colleague gets a big raise, you'll probably seethe, but if some distant manager gets one, or some celebrity gets an additional golden mansion, you're unlikely to care (except maybe on some abstract, cultural level) because it's not as if you could conceivably have got that instead. It's all about what we feel we're owed or capable of achieving in our current situation.

It was a big thing for me in university when I was friends with a girl who had a boyfriend, since I didn't have a girlfriend. It felt more painful than the many years I'd spent before meeting her, even though I'd also been alone during them, because when I was alone, I wasn't constantly around someone who was perceived as more fortunate than me.

Buddhist monks are considered the 'happiest' people in the world based on studies of their brains, or so I learned in Psychology, which they claim is because they've given up the material life to focus on higher things. But it must be easy to avoid jealousy when you're not surrounded by peers who have things you feel you should have as well but don't.

It's odd though that my mind has apparently classified Toby Fox as a peer, and his achievements as things juuuust within my grasp that have been denied me. That's clearly not objectively the case, but I suppose it's the result of being psychologically spoiled by the success of MARDEK back in the day. I got it into my head for years that I was some kind of minor celebrity, worthy of great things... These days, I look at other indie devs, and recognise us all as senselessly sliding slowly into a pit. I wonder a lot - too often to the point of creative paralysis - about when I'm going to have to give it up because it's not working out.

But then I also feel so envious seeing a track by Toby Fox on the Pokemon Sword soundtrack. So strange... Maybe it's a reflection of some deep hope inside that I really am capable of reaching great heights somehow, one day. Maybe I just need to hold onto that to keep going, even though it's completely unrealistic. Certainly better than just seeing all the failure throughout the indie dev scene and being discouraged from getting any work done!

The biggest reason for the envy though is that he made an RPG based around not killing things, which was something I made my life goal a few years ago but haven't (yet?) succeeded with. I don't compare myself to people like Pewdiepie, Tom Holland, or... Justin Bieber? (I've no idea which younglings are filling the music charts these days) because they're on completely unrelated paths to me. But Toby Fox is a creator who's known for his ostensibly solo indie RPG and in particular for his music, and I suppose there aren't really many examples of that out there to compare to. It's not like there's a list of them, like there would be for actors, musicians, or youtubers! At least not that I'm aware of.

(Can you think of any other people who could be classed together with Toby Fox, actually? 'Solo' devs who've made non-violent RPGs and are particularly known for their music composition?)

There's a film called Amadeus, about Mozart, or I suppose it's more accurate to say that it's about another composer called Salieri, who felt completely upstaged by Mozart. I've been meaning to watch it, though it's apparently 3 hours long so I haven't found the time yet. Here's a clip though:



It's not a perfect example of my creative envy for Toby Fox, since what gets to me there is the social popularity more than the quality of his creative work (which I don't think is bad, but I also don't think it's blows-me-away amazing, as I wrote about in the Undertale post). And of course those two were in physical proximity, presumably literally in competition for a role. Still, I suppose it's a good example of the envy that one creator can feel for another in a general sense.

Makes me wonder how many other creators out there have some specific individual they feel is some rival to them even if that other person has absolutely no idea who they are. Maybe there are some youtubers with 10 subscribers who cringe at the mention of the name Pewdiepie. "That should be meeee!!"



If you do any creative stuff yourself, are there any creators on a similar path to you that you feel specifically envious about? Or are you just wholly inspired by others' work, which is of course the much less maladaptive psychological stance to take? If that's the case, is your craft just a side hobby? I suppose it's hugely different when you're trying to make a living from it.

If you don't do any creative stuff, does this kind of mentality seem odd to you, or can you understand where it's coming from? Do I seem deranged?!? I mean I actually am, but I'm asking anyway!

11 COMMENTS

Spectre35~4Y
Popular solo devs with good music in non-violent games? Does Eric Barone count?

>If you do any creative stuff yourself, are there any creators on a similar path to you that you feel specifically envious about?

-Hehe. Sounds like a guy would be deemed as a traitor by his peers when he got a girlfriend. Which, is totally understandable. I'd be mildly upset and anxious when my friends finished their assignments while I haven't done mine.
1
Tobias 1115~4Y
I had to look up who Eric Barone was; I see he's the Stardew Valley guy. I didn't realise he did everything himself! He's the same age as me; interesting. Obviously much more popular though. I wonder how he achieved that! He's not really been on my radar though - and I don't feel as intimidated by him - because Stardew Valley's so different to what I'm making.
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Maniafig222~4Y
I know he composed a song for Sword/Shield! Did you ever hear it in the game itself? Apparently it only plays in the game's battle facility, which I imagine isn't the sort of thing you'd be into in the first place.

I usually only listen to OSTs of games I've beaten, or at least saw a full playthrough of in the case of some visual novels. Unless there's a really good track I want to listen to more. I've not listened to much of Octopath's OST, though. The OST didn't live up to that of Bravely Default, I think.

I've not really made a playlist for tracks I like though, I just take a track of a game I've recently been playing, or been thinking about, and go to the YT video and put it on repeat. I've been listening to the OST of the Sam & Max games recently, maybe I should play those again, or watch the show, or play the other game, or read the comic. Or look up the saucy adult fanart. Again.

I never played FF7 or FF8 myself. Or any FF games, really, as a kid. I did play FF9 some years ago. It was a good game, the first two discs I thought were the best parts. I liked how it handled optional cutscenes in town areas. And Vivi is of course very adorable.

I recently looked at the stuff about composers in Pokémon games, it seems most works are to some extent collaborative. But then who knows what they mean with that.

I wonder whether you read about the thing where the music blatantly references an earlier composition of Toby Fox he made for, I think, a satirical male pregnancy album related to Homestuck. Which is, of course, just SO typically Toby Fox!!

I had actually heard of Anpanman, but only really through one Tumblr blog which often shares stuff that's generally pretty obscure, or at least obscure in the west.

It's also quite a thing that such a large share of Pokémon's profit isn't even the games. At some point you start to wonder how much the merchandise drives the games, whether they keep making new mons just so they can sell new plushies.

WELL WHERE IS MY RELICANTH PLUSHIE, THE POKÉMON COMPANY?!

Just kidding. Give me all the Impidimp and Sableye plushies, please.

I suppose Toby Fox is easy to say like that since it's a short name. Just 8 characters, counting the space in the middle. That's less than some surnames.

It is a whole thing nowadays for people to form these parasocial relationships with celebrities, since the rise of social media and all that. It happens with content creators of all kinds, especially those who are active on said social medias. A lot of video essayists have talked about it, since they're naturally very active on social media for the sake of THE BRAND so they deal with it a lot.

It's actually interesting to me how Toby has managed to cultivate this personality that people associate with him and his work, despite really not being very active or engaging much with the fanbase of his works. Probably a wise move on his part, those parasocial relationships often seem to go awry.

I'm pretty sure it is the same for you, though I guess back on FH we didn't really have a catchy word to apply to the concept.

I'm guessing people saying Toby's song being in the game are entirely joking, I doubt there's even a single person for who that track was the deciding factor in their purchase.

I wonder which image of him it was that you saw? The one I see associated with him most is one where he's wearing a pinstripe suit with a tie, a cap and tinted glasses and making a pretty silly-looking smug expression. It still amuses me to look at that.

I don't have any grand aspirations myself, but I do remember getting really annoyed when I was still making quests and people in the AF discord server I'm in would talk about other things instead. Stop enjoying other things and enjoy my WAY BETTER things instead, damnit! Pearls before swine, truly. Pearls before swine.

I sure hope none of them read that! If they did, they should say something like "Blumpkin Horsebuskets" so I know.

And I don't mean the server you made, I mean another server. If I see anyone from your server saying "Blumpkin Horsebuskets" I'll be very disappointed.

I can't think of any other solo indie devs who made non-violent RPGs. I could name solo indie devs who made regular RPGs like Matt Roszak, or the Sinister Design Guy, but non-violent is still a pretty niche arena. Well, until people start making Undertale-inspired games, but those are mechanically and tonally very different from yours anyway. About as similar as Portal to any given FPS just because they share a perspective.

I think most people can relate to the mentality, anyhow. It's just not something people generally want to talk about, I suppose. Especially if the envy is felt toward others in the peer group they're both active participants in.
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Tobias 1115~4Y
I did hear it in its proper context long before I knew he composed it! I didn't spend long in the battle tower, but I wanted to at least see what it was like.

I'm surprised you haven't played FF7 or 8, especially 7 since that seems to be regarded as the paragon RPG by many people! Those games were a huge influence on MARDEK... though I suppose the whole crystals thing and general look were more like the earlier SNES ones, which I found via emulators later than the 3D ones.

I didn't read anything about the story behind the music Toby Fox wrote! But that seems absolutely bizarre to me, that it'd be originally from something like that and the Pokemon people would be okay with it! Which album even was that? I don't remember it and I thought I was familiar with them all!

And do you know how the game ended up with music by him in it? I wrote about it because it boggles my mind, it's the sort of thing I wouldn't have even thought was possible... The indie scene and big, long-established studios seem so disconnected to me, though maybe there's a lot of connection I'm just not aware of since I don't play as many games as I should or explore the social/community side either. Maybe this isn't at all the first instance of a popular indie dev getting their work in a big franchise! But it's a Japanese game too which makes it seem even weirder... Is he big over there or something? Or did he just win some kind of competition??

Most super-financially-successful franchises seem to be designed around merchandising! I think George Lucas had toys as his first priority when making Star Wars decisions?

I wondered how much Toby Fox interacted with his surely vast following... Does he even have a website or regular social media presence or anything? I mean I could easily just look it up... but clearly I'm avoiding doing that! (But why do I ask then??)

I don't know about them all just joking! No doubt there's the memey front which everyone seems to use, but I can see it genuinely being a motivation for people who might otherwise have been on the fence (the 80% was obviously hyperbole though).

The picture of him was only flashed for like two seconds so I can barely remember it! And I'm not going to look that up either!

(And yet I just googled Eric Barone and felt no anxiety about doing so or what I found despite there being pictures of him and him being my age and much more successful... Eh. Mental illness.)

I'm surprised there aren't a whole bunch of Undertale clones considering how popular and inflential it was, and how long it's been out for!
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Maniafig222~4Y
I'm surprised the 3D games would be such a big influence, the games certainly look more like the older 2D ones, and the whole Crystals thing seems like more of a classic FF trope!

I think it's only just a few bars that were copies over. It seems he reused this bit ( [LINK]&t=796s ) for the start of the song. I doubt anyone at GAME FREAK knew!

I think it's just because Undertale is a big hit in Japan. It's the only country where Undertale got its own localization. I know Toby also got to be the main composer for that other game GAME FREAK made called Small Town Hero, but I don't think anybody on Earth cares about that game at all so it's somehow less impressive than getting a single composition in a Pokémon game. Apparently he also got to play Super Smash Bros with the lead developer Sakurai and Sans is a skin in that game. That's all weird to think about.

I sometimes wonder whether the move to different proportioned Pokémon with bigger heads and more innate mascot-like personalities was driven by marketing sales.

Toby does have a website and a social media account, but he's not very active on them, usually only posting about how development is coming along, or when merchandise is released or whatever. One time he did do audience participation things like an in-character Q&A but he just made every cast member talk about Papyrus's favourite food. It's some kind of children's cereal, of course.

I could see "a track composed by Toby Fox!!" being a possible selling point for a small-name indie game, but for a multimedia juggernaut like Pokémon? I don't think there was anybody on the fence who bought it because of that, those people were going to buy it regardless.

Toby Fox did actually compose a song for YIIK: A Postmodern RPG, which has basically attained a memetic status for being an absolutely poorly designed game, so it's not like everything Toby touches turns to gold. He quietly retracted his tweet about composing for YIIK at some point.

Oh, there are Undertale clones already. Some are very obvious: [LINK] (Cute Goblin though. Would Diplomatize.)

I suspect most Undertale 'clones' will be a bit more divergent than that though. Novelty was a big aspect of Undertale, so I assume most works based on Undertale will try to be novel and just use it as inspiration, much like Undertale was loosely inspired by the MOTHER series, I guess.
1
TheJop32~4Y
I draw comics occasionally as a hobby, but I don't do it for a living so I can't really say I feel that type of envy. I think it is a regular human feeling to envy your peers though. If a coworker of mine got a huge raise or promotion I would definitely be jealous; even if they deserved it I would be upset that I didn't get anything. I think a lot of unhappiness in life comes from comparing yourself with others; if you can control that urge and try to be content with yourself it tends to make you a lot happier. That's not to say that people shouldn't be ambitious at all, but there should be a healthy balance so they're not always looking at achieving a future goal instead of enjoying their current life.
3
Tobias 1115~4Y
It's much easier to curb the envy if you have your life roughly in order! It likely affects me so strongly because I'm on such shaky ground myself at the moment. It'd be a hugely different story if I had a reliable salary or something.
2
TheJop32~4Y
I understand that. But there's also something to be said for making your own way, even if it's a struggle. Quite commendable to try to eke out a living doing something you're passionate about instead of just looking for the first standard job that you can get. Best of luck as always!
1
purplerabbits148~4Y
I think a part of the envy may come from the idea that you came up with the nonviolent game idea first, but Toby Fox got recognition for it instead of you because he managed to execute that idea before you did. On top of how long you delayed playing Undertale when you first heard about it, I think that you are in the process of trying to justify why you have been so intimidated by that game, even though you've how played it and found the game to be lacking.

Not sure if you read the Great Gatsby, but there's a moment in the book where the book describes Gatsby's obsession with Daisy to the point that he has put her on such a high pedestal and slowly added more and more details, in his mind, to the point where his the real Daisy can never match the imagined version of Daisy that only exists in Gatsby's mind. The exact quote is, "[Gatsby's idealized memories of love with Daisy] had gone beyond [Daisy], beyond everything. He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way."

I get the feeling that you have done something similar to Toby Fox, but with negative associations instead of the positives that Gatsby has. Now, I only say this because of how you reacted to seeing to alleged picture of Toby Fox. with the first picture I see confirmation bias that Toby Fox is seen in your mind as a "Chad" and therefore justifies why you don't like him.

(On a tangent as a female, I see both perceived Chads(the dudes that Incels label as Chads, but don't take the time to know who "Chad" truly is) and Incels as basically the same category of guy, because both don't understand women at all and both have the r/niceguys mentality of just seeing women as objects to be conquered. Actual "Chads" that have been striped of the added notions from Incels are essentially on the more hypermasculine side of the spectrum and those types of dudes tend to appeal most to lower income/ 3rd- world country females because physical force is more necessary for survival. Interestingly in 1st world countries and middle to upperclass females, they prefer more "feminine" men because money plays a biggere role in survival. Generally who's going to make more money the roided out idiot or the nerdy guy in IT? Definitely the nerdy guy.)

On the other hand, when you saw a different picture of Toby Fox, I kinda felt a similar reaction to the new girl my ex dated soon after my breakup with him. We're both similar females, but I felt a burning envy because as far as I can see she's a downgrade from me.

On the topic of famous people and their fans seeing them as "friends." It's honesty a very weird thing because the viewers build up a rapport with the youtuber/ streamer/ celerity, all the while the youtuber/ streamer/ celerity has never known about the fan. So if they ever meet the fan feels like they are meeting an old friend, while the other person has no idea who the fan is.

I think that the fans, that cheer on as though they have also "made it" with Toby Fox's accomplishment of getting a soundtrack into Pokémon, feel that they helped Toby get into the radar of Pokémon. I'm guessing it's like assuming that a creator's success comes from the fans actually consuming their product. So it's an indirect way of getting "be part of" what got Toby Fox that part in the game.

For me, I guess I'm a creative? I don't feel envious of the people I admire for their creative works. There's plenty of people around that's got a game idea and are at the story planning stage so there's not much to be envious because there's nothing to compare at the moment. The only envy I have with my game is that I used the breakup mentioned earlier as my muse for part of the idea behind my game. It was rather therapeutic since now I don't envy the new girl anymore.

For art stuff, I feel more a twinge of sadness because I know there's only one way to get near the skill level of the people I admire and that's to keep practicing. However, I do ask for their advice when I am struggling since they have probably gone through similar issues. So, it's more a case of I look up to you so I follow your footsteps to be like you.

For crochet and knitting projects, there's really nothing to be envious because at the core of knitting and crocheting it's putting one loop into another loop to create something and there's really nothing to be envious in my eyes because there's no gauge for who's the best and what not. Furthermore, none really goes into crocheting or knitting to be the best , usually people just like to make something and crocheting and knitting are very creative in terms of what you can do.

Oh and to answer , all my creative stuff is as a hobby.
1
Tobias 1115~4Y
It feels weird to be so apparently obsessed with a real person who exists out there, and I do know where you're coming from with the interpretation that I've completely negatively idealised him. But I suppose it's like if some obscure scientist had spent years developing his theory of evolution, but had to refine it a bit before publishing, and in the time he was doing that Darwin came along and published the same finding. Maybe that obscure scientist would resent Darwin in a big way because it was as if he'd stolen the guy's big break, his one path out of poverty. Something like that.

You've definitely got a different conception of the term 'Chad' than I do! I'm familiar with evolutionary psychology and the biology of sexual attraction, and there are a ton of studies that show which traits people are attracted to cross-culturally and independent of their personality traits or life situation. Western women might settle for relatively nerdy thinkers when driven by mental ideals, but on a purely primal level they're viscerally aroused by the tall, square-jawed, muscular men, who they're more inclined to have quick, primarily sexual flings with while young so as to ensure the best genes for their offspring. "Chad" is a convenient and comical term for them! And I'm aware that I'm lacking in these traits that women are attuned to sexually prefer, so the idea that someone who'd already 'stolen my thunder' was also biologically blessed was mildly irriting. Mildly, though; it was more like an eye roll than some raving breakdown or something, to be clear! Maybe I should have just said it bothered me that he seemed 'good-looking' to avoid the connotations of 'Chad'.

Also, interesting that you're using past, emotionally potent experiences as a narrative basis! I'm doing that, and always find it compelling since the creator's writing from a place of real passion. I've also found that using these things creatively is an effective way to take their edge off; I've been doing that a lot with some private projects, and it helps enormously.
1
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