PERSONAL

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You Matter, I Don't

8 years ago1,605 words

I've been reading a lot recently, and many signposts seem to converge on the same path: in order to escape my sorrows, I should kill my Self.

I don't necessarily mean suicide, though that's on my mind every day too as I think of my poor lot in life and the challenges that I'd need to face to change it, which I feel completely unprepared for. Loneliness is the biggest thing.

Getting along with other people is everything in life, or at least it's the key to living a happy life (unless perhaps neurological deficits rob you of basic human needs and desires for acceptance and companionship). It's also the thing that I struggle with the most personally...

But do I? Hmm.

You've probably heard of or even read the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. It's sort of the prototypical self-help book, I think; widely-known and often imitated. I had it lying on my desk a couple of years ago, but scoffed for whatever reason at the idea of reading it. I recently finished it, however.

It's fascinating and packed with clear wisdom, and it gave me a sort of social confidence that I previously lacked (though circumstance has yet to present opportunities to test that out, so it's all been internal so far). It was also reassuring to know that I already do a lot of the tips it focuses on; I'm probably not as socially incompetent as I believe myself to be.

The gist of it though is that we're all egotists, far more interested in ourselves than anything else in the world, and that we largely use others as a means to bolster our own egos or see to our own needs. So the best way to make people like you is to sacrifice your own desires and see to theirs, take a genuine interest in them, sincerely praise specific aspects you like about them, let them talk about themselves. It's not about being a fawning yes-man, of course, as insincere flattery is repulsive to most, but I think it's abundantly and obviously true that people feel most happy around people who make them feel that they're important and appreciated, who don't judge or contradict them.

Being that sort of person to others has allowed me to forge deep and meaningful friendships in the past... But I'm personally picky, and generally have little interest in putting in the effort with most people, so I avoid interacting with them completely. I actually fear being very nice to and interested in someone I don't actually like because I might end up with them seeking my company and me not wanting theirs. Having a relationship that I get nothing out of but can't terminate. A burden. I've been in that position before.

To be this sort of perfect friend, though, who indulges the other person completely and rarely if ever talks about themselves (which would be less interesting to the other than if they were allowed to talk about themselves), you have to suppress and neglect whatever needs you might have yourself. You might win all the friends in the world, but would you feel happy if you didn't have anyone to ramble about yourself to?

I feel that the biggest reason I started this blog was to satisfy that basic human need to talk about oneself... But recently I've been neglecting to update it because I've been aware that it's best not to write about yourself, but to write posts that are mostly devoid of Self, which address the reader directly and offer some specific benefit for them. "Meditation can relieve anxiety", say, rather than "I meditated today and felt a bit less anxious". One triggers the "how can I use this myself?" parts of the mind, while the other just puts off anyone who doesn't have some specific vested interest in the author.

I intended to write this blog to help others in that selfless style, but I feel that my own Self is so strong and so neglected that I need some outlet for it...

I've been complimented by more than one person for having a strong identity; a clearly-defined Self, while they were unsure of their own. They told me this as if they desired such a thing themselves... and I've read and heard many more people's comments about how they wish that they were a more impressive person so then others might like them.

But having a strong Self or being 'impressive' in some sense is probably more likely to repel people than attract them to you, as it inspires comparison and envy, or shallow relationships based on reverence and inhibition - "this person is impressive so I have to hide my own faults or else they'll look down on me" - rather than deeper bonds where the other is free to reveal their naked soul without anxiety.

It's better then to just listen, be kind, not judge; to suppress your own Self so then you can simply be a space in which the other can expand theirs.

Spiritual teachings such as Buddhism present a path to bliss that is blocked by a strong Self. Dissolving that Self, they say, is the relieving of a burden, the tearing away of a foetid curtain to let in the light.

I like the thought of shedding my Self for these reasons. Of not expecting others to give me happiness, to indulge my Self, but to derive happiness from having little Self and allowing others to happily indulge theirs.

But as my Self is and always has been quite unpleasantly intense, giving it up is no easy feat.

I've been reading about emotional intelligence too; how 'people skills' rather than raw intellect are what determine success in life. It fits with Dale Carnegie's teachings, and I think that it too is clearly observed in the world around us.

But I wonder - in typically Self-indulgent fashion - what my own emotional intelligence is like.

The book I'm reading about this seems to suggest that our formative experiences determine our degree of emotional intelligence. I can believe it, though it's a pain if - as in my case - those experiences were not exactly nurturing.

I'd like to think I've always had empathy to some degree, but it was hindered by a distinct lack of confidence; while I'd listen and be supportive, I'd never reach out because I felt I'd only be a burden. This continues to be one of my biggest inner demons; I never contact anyone because I just assume they won't want to hear from me, or they'll be busy with someone 'better' and will scowl at my message. As I wish to cause no harm, I just retreat within, err on the side of caution.

It's not helped by pickiness either. I seem to judge people as either unpleasant or superior to me; I imagine a vitriolic troll who'll only hurt me, or a gregarious, popular type who everyone loves, who'll only make me envious because they have what I don't. As I immediately assume most people are one of the two, I don't even bother trying to form relationships with them.

In the former case, I'd be curious to use Dale Carnegie's techniques to see if I could 'tame' them through niceness rather than conflict, but that would mean enduring quite a lot of pain without reacting, and I'm too sensitive for that. And what if they have issues like autism or narcissism which mean they're neurologically eccentric in a way that renders such appeals to the heart completely ineffective?

In the case of people more popular than me, my instinct is to slink away like the lesser thing I am and leave them to it... It isn't so much that I hate myself or think that I'm worthless, but that I think that they might think that, or they might judgementally look down upon me at least, feel embarrassed to be seen with me. A lifetime of people clearly feeling this way about me is what led to this.

So I live in a world of extreme betters or lessers, and struggle immensely to find people who I feel equal to, who I want to move towards rather than flee from in fear. The few I have felt that way about were quickly and easily turned into intimate friendships, the sort where 'best friend' and 'I love you' were spoken, so it's not like I'm incapable of forming bonds... It's just so hard to find people I feel any desire to venture down that path with at all.

Anyway. I'm talking about myself. My Self. Without that burden of Identity in the way, interaction with others would surely be less fraught with fear and comparison.

I intend to try to speak to many more people during my second year of university, which will begin soon... I'll be curious to see whether suppressing the Self will put others at ease, or whether it'll just lead to awkwardness as they feel interrogated by me or something. Hmm. It's much easier if the other person wants to talk about themselves at me, but if they're more reluctant because they have no interest in befriending me, it becomes like pulling teeth.

Anyway, I know that everyone reading this is surely more socially experienced and competent than me, so perhaps my thoughts about all this, from a distance rather than a place of direct involvement, seem naive. Things would be very different if I'd frequently been in situations where I actually had to interact with other people...