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Week Off; Antidepressants are Placebos?

3 years ago - Edited 3 years ago1,682 words

I didn't work on Atonal Dreams this week because my depression's been getting increasingly worse recently and I clearly needed a break. Did you know that antidepressants are probably placebos?

Last Sunday (Valentine's Day), due to a bunch of factors that all piled up at once, the depression got to the point where I spent a couple of hours huddled in a foetal position on the verge of tears being beaten up by my various inner demons... which obviously isn't the sort of behaviour of a sane and healthy person.

One of the few good things about walking this ridiculous life path I've chosen is that when things get too bad, I don't have to worry about being pushed or punished by an employer, and can take some time off if I need to. So I gave myself this week off since I'm clearly not doing well. I'll need to get out of my bubble at least a bit more to test and promote Atonal Dreams, so it wouldn't be wise to dive into that when I'm feeling so terrible.



I didn't want to just waste the week, so I wondered how I could use it to maybe mend my mind a bit. It's not as simple as just popping down to the local therapist and getting fixed like you might see a doctor for a physical ailment though, unfortunately.

For example, ∞ here's a paper about something that doesn't really fit with the prevailing understanding about the world ∞:



I read that paper fully and looked into it a bit more, and it's certainly food for thought. The guy who did the research isn't some kind of science-denier or anti-Big-Pharma nut or anything. Obviously it's a complicated thing with a lot of debate though, otherwise antidepressants wouldn't be prescribed at all. But there are a lot of unknowns and doubts regarding the science, and antidepressants definitely aren't medicine in the sense that, say, antibiotics are.

This doesn't mean they don't work necessarily - the (fascinating) placebo effect is still an effect - but I'm mentioning this because whenever I talk about depression, someone usually suggests I go and pop some pills to make the blues go away, like how you might take painkillers for a headache. I wish it were that simple!



Talking helps a lot. But not all talking is equal. Talking to a therapist isn't ideal, because for one thing it takes months to get to see one - it's even worse during this whole pandemic situation - and when you do you're often told that you have something like 6 one-hour sessions with a complete stranger who's keeping their eye on the clock before your time is up and you have to go through the whole tedious rigmarole again. That's not even enough time to explain the intricacies of the situation, and often they just give you some workbook to do in your own time anyway which is certainly inferior to a lot of stuff freely available online. Plus the fact that I've been looking into this for years and have a Psychology degree myself means I'm already familiar with the therapy, so it's not exactly eye-opening to me as it might be for someone who's never even really thought about how to improve their mental health before.

Friends are more valuable, I'd say, but I'm lacking in those. The closest thing I have to a friend is someone I know from uni who I exchange long texts with every other day, mostly about our mental health issues, but replies are sporadic. We've been meaning to do video calls at her suggestion, but I keep putting it off due to my own issues. My demons tell me I'm socially inept and repulsive, and even though she has similar social anxiety issues to me and we've talked a lot about all this stuff - and both have Psychology degrees - so I have good reason to assume I won't be rejected, it's hard to push past the mental barriers anyway, especially when feeling so physically and mentally exhausted. I'll get there eventually, I hope.



It can be valuable just reading about others going through the same thing. I linked to a Reddit thread called ∞ What does depression feel like? ∞ last week, and here's another: ∞ Redditors who at any point have been in such a deep state of depression that you didn't want to DO anything, what is something that helped you get out of it? ∞.

It's always nice seeing confirmation that my issues aren't unique to myself, and that others found ways out of the cave, but I also end up feeling annoyed because it seems like everyone mentions this crippling depression on one hand, then their many friends, partner, and job on the other. How did they manage to acquire all those things despite their condition? It seems everyone just does, somehow. It's frustrating.

They also typically mention 'calling a friend', as if everyone has always-available friends they have no hangups about contacting on a whim, who'll happily talk about their struggles with them in a positive and helpful way, and as if that one pick-up will light the darkness forever. It always seems naive to me - even the most supportive of people get tired of how often people with issues need help, especially when they have their own to deal with - but maybe I only assume that from my own grim position.



My depression is largely situational. My life is crap; I'll be 33 in a few days (I'll probably post again then), and I still live at home, never seeing anyone, hoping what I'm working on every day might maybe perhaps earn a fraction of the minimum wage in the end if I'm lucky. I'm mentally ill, I have brain cancer, I lack freedom, companionship, sex, etc. I assume most people in this position wouldn't exactly be jumping for joy every day. I think it's amazing I'm able to get anything done at all; the personal satisfaction of creation is at least a potent driving force for me, and I'm grateful to the people who support me, particularly on Patreon, which I'm constantly aware of even if I'm never sure what to post there. Those factors are enough of a push to do at least something most days. I'm not quite as bad as people whose depression leaves them bedridden more often than not.

I hope it'll improve if my situation improves, so I feel bad taking time off because of that. I feel like I should be pushing myself constantly, keeping on down the dark corridors because I'll find the exit to the cave more quickly if I just keep moving. I won't get anywhere by setting up camp with no exit in sight! Except energy isn't infinite, and sometimes it's more important to stop and rest even if it means not getting closer to getting out right now. Or so I try to tell myself.

I often wonder if my situation even will improve by carrying on the path I'm on... I see other indie devs all the time on Twitter, and it often feels like watching bright-tailed, bushy-eyed youths all excitedly asking the nearest rock whether the sleek wheels and torn-towel flag on the go-kart they're making will help out when they finally use it to try to leap over the Grand Canyon. Or something. It's difficult to feel like I'll be one of the lucky few who doesn't end up catastrophically disappointed after all the effort I've put in, especially considering that already happened with Sindrel Song. I know I need to look deeply into how to do better this time, but it's all so draining and it's why I felt I needed a break before tackling it.

Did you know that the Grand Canyon is 18 miles wide? That's almost as wide as your mum. HAHAHAHA. That is a multi-layered joke. Like your mum.



I composed a piece of new non-game music this week, so that's something! I'd like to compose enough pieces over the course of the year for an album, so this is one step towards that.



I've still yet to decide on a game to play next! I'm paralysed by the number of choices on my To Play list... and annoyed that some AAA games that I'd like to play cost too much. Maybe I just need to literally use a random number generator or something.



There, that's a very trimmed down version of the much longer post I originally wrote. Honestly I still feel crap and wish I could just take some more time off, but I get the feeling that's not going to change unless I try to make some more progress towards getting somewhere... So I'll try finishing off preparing for an alpha test next week.