Alora Fane

It was my birthday on the 25th, and I had a COVID-19 vaccine on the 27th, so I want to acknowledge those in a post! Also, interesting how Pokemon have decided to tackle their Sinnoh remakes, in a way that should please both those open to new ideas and those hungry for the nostalgically familiar.

I wanted to write a post on my birthday - I'm 33 now, which is horrifying - looking back on all the major events in my life that'd led me to this less-than-ideal place... but it felt a bit too dreary and self-indulgent, and I lacked the energy to finish it due to depression... as is often the case with many things these days.

It all feels like a distant dream now, anyway, due to this vaccine I had. The UK is vaccinating everyone starting with the oldest and most vulnerable groups first, and apparently the fact that I have brain cancer means I have an "underlying health condition which puts [me] at higher risk of becoming seriously unwell", so I got one before others in my age group. It's somewhat surprising to me since I've not been sure during this whole pandemic whether I was especially vulnerable or not.

I got a call about it just a couple of days before my appointment, so that was sudden. I also had fairly severe anxiety symptoms for a few hours before and during the appointment, not because of anything medical or conspiracy-nutty regarding the vaccine itself - I've had brain surgery twice before so it seemed trivial by comparison - but just because I haven't been out into the world in months so everything felt a bit overwhelming.

I have social anxiety, but I'd probably call this general anxiety? Apparently I get paranoid about physical symptoms that seem to be the beginnings of something like a panic attack, or I worry about spewing something out of one of my orifices in a way that'd be catastrophically embarrassing if it happened in public. So I end up falling into this spiral of anxiety about anxiety ("feels like I need the toilet, but I can't suddenly do that now so what if the anxiety gets too bad and it comes out anyway?!?"), and have to use a bunch of self-calming techniques just to hold things together. It's like a constant battle between my conscious and subconscious minds, or something. An awful experience.

Once I got the vaccine - which happened as soon as I entered the surgery, and I was out in less than five minutes - I felt relief; I wasn't expecting any side effects or anything. But I was very surprised by how severely it affected me! I had awful shuddering chills for about an hour as I tried to sleep, and spent the whole night feeling fidgety, too hot or too cold, unable to drift off. Terrible headache, sore all over. Lots of physical and mental sensations that reminded me of the surreal agony after the brain surgery.

I've been lying in bed all morning feeling completely beaten-down, though I took some painkillers which seem to have helped enough for me to get something to eat... That's something.

It's annoying, since I had plans for stuff I wanted to do over the weekend! Depression often gets in the way of plans, but this has been so awful that I've actually been wishing I had the depression fatigue instead...

One of the things I wanted to bemoan in a birthday post was how I still live at home despite being the age when most people would have their career and family at least roughly sorted out (or at least that's the impression we're given, though I wonder how accurate it is)... but going through this awful health stuff would have been a lot worse if I lived alone. So I suppose it's not all bad... though I know it can't last forever. Maybe once the pandemic's over...

Being ill like this makes the whole world feel different in a way I can't put into words... It's odd. It was like this while recovering from brain surgery too. Like there's this openness or calm that I'd normally be oblivious to while consumed by the regular routine. Like falling off a road and having to wander through some woods. I spent a while lying in bed this morning just existing, and as physically horrible as it felt, I kind of liked the unusualness of it. Felt like school being cancelled and getting the day off; something like that.

I finally got a new game to play! Did you know there's a Bravely Default II, which is the third entry in that series after a sequel released a few years back? Because I didn't until I saw it in the Switch store! Apparently it was released yesterday, so - with some reluctance due to the high price - I decided to bite the bullet and buy it. I played and enjoyed the others, after all, and it seemed valuable to play an RPG since I'm making one myself. I have a bunch of indie PC games I want to play, but I chose this since it's on the Switch so I can go and lie in bed and play that while I recover.

I think the idea behind it was that the other sequel (Bravely Second) was disappointing to fans due to changes, or something (news to me since I played them in isolation and didn't think either one was better than the other), and this is a reversion to what people liked about the first?

The next Pokemon games were also just announced, and they've decided to tackle the Sinnoh games as both straight remakes and a novel and experimental fresh take on the formula.

Makes me think about my own approach to a MARDEK remake, and how a lot of people seemed to want something completely faithful to what they were used to, while I was more interested in a different angle of the old material. I wish I could do both like Pokemon is here, though I don't exactly have the resources for that! Promising that people seem generally more excited about the novel thing than the faithful remake though. (I am, of course.)

Anyway, I just wanted to ramble a bit as a reason to get out of bed, really. I seem to be feeling gradually better, so that's good!

6 COMMENTS

Maniafig222~4Y

I doubt I'll get vaccinated any time soon, probably not before the summer period, anyway. My grandfather did get vaccinated, but I don't really know how it affected him since he's quarantining until he gets his second vaccine just to be safe.

I hope you're feeling better now!

I was somewhat disappointed that we didn't get a sequel to Bravely Second, but a FF-sequel style of sequel where it's a different setting with a new cast. I really liked Bravely Second!

I think the main reason BS didn't do as well as BD was that people liked the story, characters and general writing in the first game more. I can definitely see that, BS felt like it lacked a sense of urgency and had much weaker sidequests than BD's Asterisk-focused sidequests.

Usually these new game announcements for Pokémon would make me really excited, but honestly I've watched both trailers once and then went back to playing Xenoverse... I feel like I'm just really over getting hyped for Pokémon.

Funny, when I watched the Legends of Arceus one, all I could think was how it looked kinda empty, and how choppy the animation on the Pokémon was. I've never really felt like the series needed to overthrow its core mechanics, and I really wonder whether GAME FREAK has the game dev chops to pull off what they're trying to do.

The remake looks more promising to me, but it also looks like an entirely faithful 1-1 recreation... But then why not just play Platinum? A remake should offer something new, but it seems like the only new thing here is the 3D battle sequences. The character designs and overworld map look the exact same. It contrasts with HG/SS and ORAS, which really felt meaningfully distinct from their inspirations.

I'd hope they at least let you pick the character outfits from Platinum! It's really ridiculous that they keep remaking two different versions rather than remaking the definitive third versions like Crystal, Emerald and Platinum.

I hope you're feeling better now!

I was somewhat disappointed that we didn't get a sequel to Bravely Second, but a FF-sequel style of sequel where it's a different setting with a new cast. I really liked Bravely Second!

I think the main reason BS didn't do as well as BD was that people liked the story, characters and general writing in the first game more. I can definitely see that, BS felt like it lacked a sense of urgency and had much weaker sidequests than BD's Asterisk-focused sidequests.

Usually these new game announcements for Pokémon would make me really excited, but honestly I've watched both trailers once and then went back to playing Xenoverse... I feel like I'm just really over getting hyped for Pokémon.

Funny, when I watched the Legends of Arceus one, all I could think was how it looked kinda empty, and how choppy the animation on the Pokémon was. I've never really felt like the series needed to overthrow its core mechanics, and I really wonder whether GAME FREAK has the game dev chops to pull off what they're trying to do.

The remake looks more promising to me, but it also looks like an entirely faithful 1-1 recreation... But then why not just play Platinum? A remake should offer something new, but it seems like the only new thing here is the 3D battle sequences. The character designs and overworld map look the exact same. It contrasts with HG/SS and ORAS, which really felt meaningfully distinct from their inspirations.

I'd hope they at least let you pick the character outfits from Platinum! It's really ridiculous that they keep remaking two different versions rather than remaking the definitive third versions like Crystal, Emerald and Platinum.

Tobias 1115~4Y

I am feeling at least a bit better now, yes!!

Looking into these Pokemon releases feels odd to me because I've always actively avoided the announcements for new games before. I don't even know how I found out they existed??

Someone posted an image on Reddit (which I annoyingly can't find; I saw it on r/all) comparing these remakes to Zelda - the faithful ones to Link's Awakening, and the Arceus one to Breath of the Wild - and Game Freak's attempt at an open world did look a lot less impressive. It's important to remember though that the game's probably fairly early in development still, and I think Breath of the Wild was the developer's first open world game too? So I'm assuming what these previews have shown will be quite different to the finished game. Maybe.

People do seem to want 'remakes' where every detail is identical to what they remember! Like the Spyro ones where the placement of every gem and every line of dialogue was the same as the originals. As much as that annoys me, if I wanted to replay Gen IV then I'd prefer a version with more modern graphics I can play on the Switch instead of a pixelated ROM I have to dig up and play on my DS or PC, so I can understand the appeal for a lot of people. When I replayed HeartGold not too long ago, it felt so clunky and unpleasant... Me being concerned about the quality of my own work probably plays a huge role in that kind of perception though.

I am feeling at least a bit better now, yes!!

Looking into these Pokemon releases feels odd to me because I've always actively avoided the announcements for new games before. I don't even know how I found out they existed??

Someone posted an image on Reddit (which I annoyingly can't find; I saw it on r/all) comparing these remakes to Zelda - the faithful ones to Link's Awakening, and the Arceus one to Breath of the Wild - and Game Freak's attempt at an open world did look a lot less impressive. It's important to remember though that the game's probably fairly early in development still, and I think Breath of the Wild was the developer's first open world game too? So I'm assuming what these previews have shown will be quite different to the finished game. Maybe.

People do seem to want 'remakes' where every detail is identical to what they remember! Like the Spyro ones where the placement of every gem and every line of dialogue was the same as the originals. As much as that annoys me, if I wanted to replay Gen IV then I'd prefer a version with more modern graphics I can play on the Switch instead of a pixelated ROM I have to dig up and play on my DS or PC, so I can understand the appeal for a lot of people. When I replayed HeartGold not too long ago, it felt so clunky and unpleasant... Me being concerned about the quality of my own work probably plays a huge role in that kind of perception though.

TheJop32~4Y

Happy birthday, Tobias! I think young adults are living with their parents for much longer than they used to due to the high cost of rent, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

LevProtter42~4Y

I got the shot last week, and am still exhausted.
I'm not sure if it was the vaccine, or some other thing, but my sleep isn't back in check yet.
The rent thing is fairly common, and I've been reading about the more general issue of society and the vision of 'financial independence', which is a fairly new concept.

Humans generally used to stay in the same environments, in fairly closed economies, supporting each other in a bunch of different ways.
The whole mess started back when people were decoupled from their land, and there has been a whole lot of ideological shenanigans since, changing our relationship with our 'selves', our families, and our communities(or lack there of).

I've been on deep dive, mostly introspective, and the list of false assumptions about 'human nature' and perception, have really changed my world view. I had a pseudo-spiritual experience, and with a general optimism managed to start feeling a lot better about chronic pain and depression.

Using the loaded term 'mindfulness' and some meditation helped me really understand my own suffering, and limit any unnecessary parts of it.
The picture I'm left with at this point, could be seen as bleak.
The only real 'out' I see, is somehow making enough money to start sculpting my environment, get to a point where I can collaborate with other humans, and maybe vanquish a good portion of the misery for good.

Hope you find a way to feel great at some point.

Humans generally used to stay in the same environments,  in fairly closed economies, supporting each other in a bunch of different ways.
The whole mess started back when people were decoupled from their land, and there has been a whole lot of ideological shenanigans since, changing our relationship with our 'selves', our families, and our communities(or lack there of).

I've been on deep dive, mostly introspective, and the list of false assumptions about 'human nature' and perception, have really changed my world view. I had a pseudo-spiritual experience, and with a general optimism managed to start feeling a lot better about chronic pain and depression.

Using the loaded term 'mindfulness' and some meditation helped me really understand my own suffering, and limit any unnecessary parts of it.
The picture I'm left with at this point, could be seen as bleak.
The only real 'out' I see, is somehow making enough money to start sculpting my environment, get to a point where I can collaborate with other humans, and maybe vanquish a good portion of the misery for good.

Hope you find a way to feel great at some point.

Tobias 1115~4Y

Sorry to hear the effects are lingering for you; I'm feeling terrible again today so maybe I've got days more of that to look forward to! Oh well, better than getting the virus, people say...

There's a book by Derren Brown called "Happy" that I read - or rather listened to - a few years ago which goes into the history of the perceptions of 'happiness', and how back in ancient times, it was considered a mental state of ignorant fools too stupid to think seriously about the world. It was a bunch of cumulative social movements and influential figures that led to it becoming seen as our primary mental goal - or even default mental state, such that anything different is deviation - as it is today.

So I can see how financial independence as a concept would have developed similarly, and how it'd be just as much of a cultural construction.

I've also found great value in things like mindfulness and associated secular-spiritual perspectives; so much of our understanding of the world and our own minds is completely cultural, narrow, and seeing different angles like that is extremely eye-opening, I've found.

Obviously - and sadly - realisations like these have never been permanent 'cures' for my many woes, but they all feel like bright steps towards something greater, which I wouldn't have been able to discover if I'd been well-adjusted along the established trajectory. So I'm weirdly grateful for the darkness, in a way, despite the suffocation.

Sorry to hear the effects are lingering for you; I'm feeling terrible again today so maybe I've got days more of that to look forward to! Oh well, better than getting the virus, people say...

There's a book by Derren Brown called "Happy" that I read - or rather listened to - a few years ago which goes into the history of the perceptions of 'happiness', and how back in ancient times, it was considered a mental state of ignorant fools too stupid to think seriously about the world. It was a bunch of cumulative social movements and influential figures that led to it becoming seen as our primary mental goal - or even default mental state, such that anything different is deviation - as it is today.

So I can see how financial independence as a concept would have developed similarly, and how it'd be just as much of a cultural construction.

I've also found great value in things like mindfulness and associated secular-spiritual perspectives; so much of our understanding of the world and our own minds /is/ completely cultural, narrow, and seeing different angles like that is extremely eye-opening, I've found.

Obviously - and sadly - realisations like these have never been permanent 'cures' for my many woes, but they all feel like bright steps towards something greater, which I wouldn't have been able to discover if I'd been well-adjusted along the established trajectory. So I'm weirdly grateful for the darkness, in a way, despite the suffocation.

LevProtter42~4Y

Well said.
I found that 'revelations' of the sort can be maintained with meditation and eliminating distractions, but when I lapse on things that bring back the dark, it's easy to forget about all that.
I feel like decent sleep patterns are my only foothold on sanity.
I'm hopeful.
The whole 'no-self' idea really helped me with not directing any of the darkness back inwards (or outwards).

I think that perhaps 'happy' (whatever it might mean) could never be default in the fragmented modern society, but could during quiet more straightforward times.

Perhaps we can't tame the mind, but can trick it into taming itself.