Alora Fane

I've always thought of 'hypochondria' as just a dismissal of anything serious, though it's a real condition in itself which is probably responsible for what I've been going through lately...

I already edited ∞ a post I wrote yesterday ∞ to say this, but: I woke up shaking today. Concerning. Though I also added that I'd done a bunch of stretches and things yesterday, during which my head feelings disappeared... only to resurface again once I was lost in my thoughts again. Nausea also reared its woozy head ("oh no, that's a brain tumour symptom!!")... though when it did, the head issues took a step back. Only space for one niggle at a time, apparently!

I was going to edit that post again to add something more, but I think it's worth a separate post.

I met a nurse while getting a checkup scan once who said he's had a lot of problems with 'health anxiety', which is a term he likely used because ∞ the NHS website calls it that ∞. I've always known it as 'hypochondria', though it always used to be something my mother said dismissively about my fretting and googling - "oh, stop being such a hypochondriac!" - so I've never actually thought of it as a condition in itself or looked too deeply into it before.

Though the thought of googling hypochondria symptoms amuses me. "Aaahhh oh no, oh no, what if this headache means I have hypochondria??" Ha...

∞ Wikipedia calls it Hypochondriasis ∞, which is a term I've never heard anyone actually use.

Among the regions of the abdomen, the hypochondrium is the uppermost part.

...

The term hypochondriasis for a state of disease without real cause reflected the ancient belief that the viscera of the hypochondria were the seat of melancholy and sources of the vapor that caused morbid feelings.

Interesting bit of etymology there. I wonder why both 'hypochondriasis' and 'hypochondria' are used though.

Here's me quoting bits of a Wikipedia page because apparently that makes me feel a bit better:

Hypochondria is often characterized by fears that minor bodily or mental symptoms may indicate a serious illness, constant self-examination and self-diagnosis, and a preoccupation with one's body.

...

Hypochondriasis is categorized as a somatic amplification disorder—a disorder of "perception and cognition"—that involves a hyper-vigilance of situation of the body or mind and a tendency to react to the initial perceptions in a negative manner that is further debilitating. Hypochondriasis manifests in many ways. Some people have numerous intrusive thoughts and physical sensations that push them to check with family, friends, and physicians.

This is what comes to mind when I think of hypochondria. I've always obsessed over every minor physical symptom I get, blowing them completely out of proportion and actually causing more symptoms from the anxiety of it. But my main worry was that I had a brain tumour, which turned out to be true, which is probably why it's hitting so hard this time around. Gives the hypochondria demons an awful lot of ammo!

Other people are so afraid of any reminder of illness that they will avoid medical professionals for a seemingly minor problem, sometimes to the point of becoming neglectful of their health when a serious condition may exist and go undiagnosed. Yet others live in despair and depression, certain that they have a life-threatening disease and no physician can help them. Some consider the disease as a punishment for past misdeeds.

This is interesting. I always used to avoid going to a doctor, though I'd blame the social anxiety of actually making the appointment for that. I've been through so much brain treatment stuff though that I'm numb to it now, and I'm eagerly looking forward to my next checkup. I have thought that my brain tumour is a worthy punishment for a person as terrible as I am, though I suppose that's different since those thoughts were post-diagnosis.

Many people with hypochondriasis experience a cycle of intrusive thoughts followed by compulsive checking, which is very similar to the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

This is what I'v been writing out in these blog posts recently. According to the NHS article I linked to at the start, writing the cyclic thoughts out - and challenging them - is a good way of tackling the condition, so I'll keep doing it.

I suppose the compulsive checking is easier when the 'check' doesn't involve something like, say, looking at a mole or rash or something. I 'check' the feelings in my head constantly.

Patients with hypochondriasis often are not aware that depression and anxiety produce their own physical symptoms, and mistake these symptoms for manifestations of another mental or physical disorder or disease. For example, people with depression often experience changes in appetite and weight fluctuation, fatigue, decreased interest in sex and motivation in life overall. Intense anxiety is associated with rapid heartbeat, palpitations, sweating, muscle tension, stomach discomfort, dizziness, shortness of breath, and numbness or tingling in certain parts of the body (hands, forehead, etc.).

It's interesting though that I am aware of this, but the knowledge doesn't seem to be enough to wash away the worries because there's always a subconscious "but what if-??".

If a person is ill with a medical disease such as diabetes or arthritis, there will often be psychological consequences, such as depression. Some even report being suicidal. In the same way, someone with psychological issues such as depression or anxiety will sometimes experience physical manifestations of these affective fluctuations, often in the form of medically unexplained symptoms. Common symptoms include headaches; abdominal, back, joint, rectal, or urinary pain; nausea; fever and/or night sweats; itching; diarrhea; dizziness; or balance problems. Many people with hypochondriasis accompanied by medically unexplained symptoms feel they are not understood by their physicians, and are frustrated by their doctors’ repeated failure to provide symptom relief.

BALANCE PROBLEMS OH NO WHAT IF I START-

Ha... Reading things like this is actually reassuring, because even though I do feel that I 'know' them already, there's always this doubt that maybe I'm wrong in some way. So I actually use this excessive googling to check that my symptoms are suggestive of something less bad than my greatest fear (though the fact that they have been my greatest fear before is what makes it so difficult to be fully convinced).

I'm curious to see whether the checkup showing nothing will help, or if I'll just end up thinking "but they must have missed something!!"... ugh.

∞ WebMD says this is called Somatic Symptom Disorder now ∞, and describes much of the same symptoms.

The symptoms associated with somatic symptom disorder are not under the person's voluntary control, and they can cause great distress and can interfere with a person's life.

Notable.

Just writing this out, and being able to dump these spiraling concerns into a 'hypochondria' category, feels like it's helped at least a bit... though maybe I'll end up editing this post or writing another one with more frantic thought spirals soon anyway!

I've been through a lot of stressful stuff recently so it's way more likely to be something like this than a random development in my brain condition... but still, it's so tough not worrying when I literally do have a brain tumour, as you can probably imagine!

I really should do something distracting, though I don't know if I'm in the right state of mind to be doing the annoying Steam stuff I need to do. I'll probably try drawing or composing music...

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