Alora Fane

God, it's one thing after another!

Well. As the title says, I just fainted. Well, a couple of hours ago. I've just finally managed to muster up enough energy to come to my computer to type this, hoping it'll help in some way.

I don't think it was brain-related, though the last time this happened was soon after I'd returned home following the surgery, and I got rushed to A&E to get a scan... which showed nothing concerning.

I had a mentally miserable weekend, as I touched on in the weekly update. I managed to fall asleep at night, but I've had insomnia for a while, where I wake up hours earlier than I'd like to and can't drift back off. That happened today, and I spent hours just lying awake, thinking about loneliness. How I have no opportunity to meet people, how I'll probably never have a partner and one day I'll have to live alone, and can I even cope with that?

I got up and got some breakfast about an hour earlier than I normally would, but didn't have the energy to do the work-related stuff I need to (putting Atonal Dreams on Steam), so I just decided to go back to bed. Normally I don't like to do this so soon after eating since digesting while lying down feels weird (is that just me?), but... eh.

I woke up again after about an hour needing the toilet, and jumped out of bed probably too quickly, went downstairs... and when I got there I felt faint, the world was swirling... I did go to the toilet and even washed my hands after, and noticed in the mirror that I was as pale as a ghost (well, more than usual anyway), but the next thing I remember is blearily looking up at my mum from the living room floor (she came down because she heard a bang).

Sigh...

I wish I could be a healthy functioning human being!

I ended up sitting in the living room for a while while my mum doted on me, brought me a cup of tea etc, which just made me wonder how I'd cope with something like this if I did live all alone. I don't know... Plus embarrassment that she has to put up with this.

My next brain scan is on Wednesday. I wasn't actively thinking about that during any of this, though there could be something subconscious related to that at play, I don't know. I suppose I'll find out then whether there's anything neurological to be concerned about, anyway.

I used to pass out occasionally when I was little. I'd blame malnutrition or something in that case, but maybe it was always brain-related, or maybe I have some kind of physiological sensitivity to it or something. It also happened before an exam many years ago; during an exam only a handful of years ago; when I was told my maybe-just-a-cyst was a tumour by the brain surgeon... All those times were clearly due to acute stress, but I didn't feel especially stressed this time?

Maybe there's just a ton of subconscious stress that's been causing all these many issues... Very probably. I suppose I'll get a better idea after the scan though.

So embarrassing... Looks like I won't be able to focus on work today either. Ugh.

If for whatever reason you're reading this and you live alone, how do you cope with that?

6 COMMENTS

mount201046~3Y

> If for whatever reason you're reading this and you live alone, how do you cope with that?

I don't. Honestly I really don't. It's just... a sort of acceptance. I recall you talking about the same kind of thing before your mental health deteriorated around the end of last year. Things like waking up and not feeling so depressed at all.
I guess it's just one part of depression.

I hope you feel better soon, fainting aren't good. If I had to hazard a guess I'd believe many, many, artists in the past lived the same kind of life you do... I guess it's just an artist thing.

Tobias 1104~3Y

I suppose we get used to all things in time, and there'd probably be some unpleasant adjustment period before it just becomes the way things are, acceptable, even if not enjoyable... I try to remind myself that even people who achieve the picturesque family life aren't necessarily happy, and some of them even envy the single because of their relative freedom of decisions and from nagging, obligations, and emotional drama (or so I've heard).

It definitely does seem that the path of an artist is one FRAUGHT with misfortune, sadness, and madness! O woe, alas! Etc. I'm just glad to be earning any money for it at the moment; most people who attempt it don't.

Comment deleted

Tobias 1104~3Y

That all does sound very familiar! The sensation I've seen described as 'tunnel vision' is a weird one, though for me I'd say it's almost like viewing reality through dark glass or something? And there's an almost out-of-body like detachment, like you're watching yourself act but you're not really in control? Or something. All makes me wonder about the nature of the mind and all that!

kasheeste2133~3Y

"If for whatever reason you're reading this and you live alone, how do you cope with that?"

I know the feeling... loneliness... abject loneliness... the laughable reality that quite possibly there isn't a single person that so much as remembers my name. The simple truth is as much as I'd like to wander off into the woods and keep walking until my feet fall off that isn't going to make anything better. In my experience there is no strategy, there are no mechanisms... coping is waking up and brushing your teeth and going about your day knowing that your personal demons are going to be waiting for you the moment you let your mind wander.

Anyways enough of the darkness... I'm far from a doctor but folks faint, especially when they're under stress, sleeping poorly, etc. and all of the worrying fear of the uncontrollable certainly isn't helping. I know I've been quiet, fighting the demons, lately but it seems like the game is coming along well enough. I also see you're almost ready to make a steam page which will hopefully have favorable results helping ease your worries.

"If for whatever reason you're reading this and you live alone, how do you cope with that?"

I know the feeling... loneliness... abject loneliness... the laughable reality that quite possibly there isn't a single person that so much as remembers my name. The simple truth is as much as I'd like to wander off into the woods and keep walking until my feet fall off that isn't going to make anything better. In my experience there is no strategy, there are no mechanisms... coping is waking up and brushing your teeth and going about your day knowing that your personal demons are going to be waiting for you the moment you let your mind wander.

Anyways enough of the darkness... I'm far from a doctor but folks faint, especially when they're under stress,  sleeping poorly, etc. and all of the worrying fear of the uncontrollable certainly isn't helping. I know I've been quiet, fighting the demons, lately but it seems like the game is coming along well enough. I also see you're almost ready to make a steam page which will hopefully have favorable results helping ease your worries.

MF11~3Y

The fainting might be due to something fairly trivial: low blood pressure, which is relatively common when people get up too abruptly. At least that's what happened to me sometimes, especially when I was a child/teenager. Anyway, hope you can start feeling better soon, Tobias.