PERSONAL

6

1,654

I Fainted

4 years ago577 words

God, it's one thing after another!

Well. As the title says, I just fainted. Well, a couple of hours ago. I've just finally managed to muster up enough energy to come to my computer to type this, hoping it'll help in some way.

I don't think it was brain-related, though the last time this happened was soon after I'd returned home following the surgery, and I got rushed to A&E to get a scan... which showed nothing concerning.

I had a mentally miserable weekend, as I touched on in the weekly update. I managed to fall asleep at night, but I've had insomnia for a while, where I wake up hours earlier than I'd like to and can't drift back off. That happened today, and I spent hours just lying awake, thinking about loneliness. How I have no opportunity to meet people, how I'll probably never have a partner and one day I'll have to live alone, and can I even cope with that?

I got up and got some breakfast about an hour earlier than I normally would, but didn't have the energy to do the work-related stuff I need to (putting Atonal Dreams on Steam), so I just decided to go back to bed. Normally I don't like to do this so soon after eating since digesting while lying down feels weird (is that just me?), but... eh.

I woke up again after about an hour needing the toilet, and jumped out of bed probably too quickly, went downstairs... and when I got there I felt faint, the world was swirling... I did go to the toilet and even washed my hands after, and noticed in the mirror that I was as pale as a ghost (well, more than usual anyway), but the next thing I remember is blearily looking up at my mum from the living room floor (she came down because she heard a bang).

Sigh...

I wish I could be a healthy functioning human being!

I ended up sitting in the living room for a while while my mum doted on me, brought me a cup of tea etc, which just made me wonder how I'd cope with something like this if I did live all alone. I don't know... Plus embarrassment that she has to put up with this.

My next brain scan is on Wednesday. I wasn't actively thinking about that during any of this, though there could be something subconscious related to that at play, I don't know. I suppose I'll find out then whether there's anything neurological to be concerned about, anyway.

I used to pass out occasionally when I was little. I'd blame malnutrition or something in that case, but maybe it was always brain-related, or maybe I have some kind of physiological sensitivity to it or something. It also happened before an exam many years ago; during an exam only a handful of years ago; when I was told my maybe-just-a-cyst was a tumour by the brain surgeon... All those times were clearly due to acute stress, but I didn't feel especially stressed this time?

Maybe there's just a ton of subconscious stress that's been causing all these many issues... Very probably. I suppose I'll get a better idea after the scan though.

So embarrassing... Looks like I won't be able to focus on work today either. Ugh.

If for whatever reason you're reading this and you live alone, how do you cope with that?