Alora Fane

I don't have any results yet so I'm not any less in the dark medically, but it was interesting just getting out of the house.

The whole ordeal took like five hours, and while my anxiety was somewhat high before I set off, it was surprisingly low for most of the experience.

I had to wait for the scan for some ridiculous time like an hour, because the person in there before me - an ancient-looking Russian(?) man in a wheelchair who needed a translator - took an unusually long time. I'd expect just sitting there in this relatively unusual environment that reminds me of a ton of past pain would be more difficult, but I'd almost go so far as to say I was just bored. Time passed surprisingly quickly.

Before the scan, you're asked a series of questions by a nurse, things that might affect the magnets ("do you have any metal fragments in your eyes", that kind of thing). This nurse was a friendly middle-aged woman - they often are - and I talk with people like her as if I don't even have social anxiety, easily doing a friendly back-and-forth, giving jokey answers to as many of the questions doesn't feel like overdoing it, in a way that seem to me to evoke genuine laughs. So that was a nice distraction. (Though I once overheard another person going through the same questions, and he sounded well-adjusted in a way that made my own approach feel awkward.)

They go through the questions again though, right before the scan (apparently some people suddenly remember that whoops, they do have shrapnel in their eyes, or so I was told when I asked one time). This time, the three technicians in charge of the MRI machine were all young women, and I felt like my (far fewer) attempts at joking with the one going through the questions were just way more awkward? I don't mean *I* felt more awkward, but rather they just were less... comfortable in their skins, something like that? Which makes sense. The older nurse would have many years more experience, but these girls looked like they were fresh out of university (or whatever you go to to qualify for such a job).

It made me wonder about how much of my social anxiety comes from the anxiety of other young people, and whether it's something that just fades with age. Or maybe it's me being more anxious around young people because their judgement has always mattered more, in some subconscious way, being peers or potential mates as they are. Or maybe my generation - raised more digitally than those before - are just more awkward in general anyway? Were these girls my generation? They seemed so young to me in a way that made me feel uncomfortably old. But I wondered how they saw me. Were the shy side-looks one of them (who looked disconcertingly similar to that friend I used to be obsessed with) gave me out of some interest because I was younger than the doddering old fogeys she usually has to deal with? Or pity, because I shouldn't be so ill so young? Embarrassment because I was awkward in ways I didn't even realise I was? Derisive judgement because I registered as a peer but wasn't appealing enough in some way or another??

I know I'm reading too much into that; she probably didn't really think anything, and it's not like it even mattered. I didn't obsess over it or anything. I suppose I just get so little social contact that every little thing sticks with me. Plus I was lying there with my thoughts for a while with nothing else to do but think, so a lot of things swirled around my mind.

I always mention my anxiety condition to the technicians before the scans just in case, and this time was no exception (come to think of it, that familiar-looking girl - lurking quietly in the background - looked up attentively when I said that; maybe she had one too, she looked - and sounded - the type). They do their best to be accommodating, which I appreciate. It turned out to be unnecessary though; for the first couple of minutes I had flashes of "get me out of here!" feelings and imagined squeezing the odd call-for-help blob they give you to hold, but that didn't last, and the rest of the 50 minutes didn't seem nearly as long as that.

I was paying attention to the noises in the machine. They come in different types, in phases, so for example there might be one that sounds like a pneumatic drill ('jackhammer') for about a minute, then it stops, pause, then a slower pulse starts for another few minutes. While lying there with my thoughts and nothing else to do, I wondered what, specifically, each noise was, and I said to one of the technicians after that I'd be curious to look into it when I got back home. I just tried to, but... eh, maybe later. I did notice something interesting about the slower pulses, though. I imagined specific drumbeat-like rhythms while listening to them, and remarkably it was as if I was physically hearing which beats were stressed and which weren't, and I was able to effectively alter the volume/timbre of each pulse by consciously changing the imagined rhythm I was following. Interesting evidence of how illusory and malleable our perceptions are (you're probably already familiar with the yanny/laurel thing, and maybe the similar ∞ brainstorm/green needle ∞ one, which are also examples of this), plus it was something to do to distract myself!

So yes, that was that. Nothing much I can say about my brain until I get the results back in something like three weeks though (I couldn't have asked the staff anything medical since they were just technicians). I've been dreading this day for ages, but it actually felt good just being out in the world. No head symptoms, minimal anxiety. I've often dreaded the thought of getting a real job in the outside world, but this time I found myself thinking "I could do this; I could be in a place like this with other people regularly". A new thought for me! Maybe that was just because it was particularly quiet though, probably due to COVID regulations or something.

Now. Back to the usual. I should probably try to put Atonal Dreams on Steam tomorrow...

6 COMMENTS

kalkra19~3Y

I remember having similar experiences with altering the stuff I was hearing, although for me it was more about how I interpreted the pattern, with groupings and where it started and where it ended and whatnot. I also remember that despite it being really loud, it somehow kept on almost putting me to sleep, and then changing and jarring me awake.

With regards to anxiety, I didn't have any claustrophobia, but something that I found to be surprisingly unsettling was the shot they gave me. Specifically, they taped my head down first, and then gave me a shot in my arm, and while I know that some people don't like to watch getting shots, I always like to see it, and not knowing when the needle would enter my arm was a lot more nerve-wracking than I would have expected for something so short and relatively insignificant.

Don't know if they did that for you, my last MRI was years ago, and things might have changed.

Tobias 1115~3Y

I fell asleep in the first MRI I had! I also talked to a nurse this time who said she fell asleep in one she had, so it must be common. I suppose we become habituated to even loud noises and can sleep regardless. Otherwise nobody would be able to sleep in a city!

I've never had my head taped down! That sounds unpleasant. They put a... cage, almost, on your head in the ones I've done, though I just shut my eyes. I also actively avoid seeing the shot going into me; interesting that you'd be the opposite!

Slothboy2531~3Y

In regards to the anxiety, as someone who sympathizes with your situation to a degree, there is a Jordan Peterson video that I watched recently ([LINK] titled, of all things, "What low-status highly creative men need") and some of the things he said really gave me some food for thought:

"One of the things I do whenever a client comes is I just do a rough walkthrough of the dimensions of life, it's like: does anybody care if you're alive or dead? Do you have any friends, anyone that loves you, an intimate relationship, how are things going with your family? Do you have a job? Are you as educated as you are intelligent? Do you have any room for advancement in the future? Do you do anything interesting outside of your job?

And if the answer to all those is no, it's like - you're not depressed, my friend, you just are screwed! If someone comes to me and they're 40 (and that's the issue, especially if they are also drinking), it's like Humpty Dumpty has hit the floor and no one is going to put the pieces back together because it's just too much. It takes a whole lifetime to put those things together, and while it might have started as a psychological problem, by the time it's fully manifest and you're 40 that's not a psychological problem but a complete catastrophe!"

He also went on about how antidepressants can help with buffering the stress response against the anxiety that comes from being so far outside 'the dominance hierarchy'. And how you should lay out all of the potential areas for improvement and tackle them one by one etc.

All of this really got me thinking about how all of these things impact people today, and how you've said similar things about how you feel "objectively" depressed, in a way, compared to most other people you see. On the other hand, maybe it's too easy, especially if you're naturally inclined to such feelings, to consider yourself to be in an "objectively screwed" situation like that - where other people might still disagree. I mean, for all of your issues, you're well educated, seem to have a supportive family, you're not abusing substances, and I would say you have plenty of room for advancement both in your field and others as well, if you consider that there are other paths to advancement than the admittedly risky path of game development.

So eh. Maybe that's something that can give a bit of hope to let you visualize how you can turn things around in the future? I see so much hopelessness in what you write from time to time. I've found that spelling these things out for myself can help to avoid that vague feeling of dread that creeps up about them.

In regards to the anxiety, as someone who sympathizes with your situation to a degree, there is a Jordan Peterson video that I watched recently (https://youtu.be/FDsu7ldQRQc titled, of all things, "What low-status highly creative men need") and some of the things he said really gave me some food for thought:

"One of the things I do whenever a client comes is I just do a rough walkthrough of the dimensions of life, it's like: does anybody care if you're alive or dead? Do you have any friends, anyone that loves you, an intimate relationship, how are things going with your family? Do you have a job? Are you as educated as you are intelligent? Do you have any room for advancement in the future? Do you do anything interesting outside of your job?

And if the answer to all those is no, it's like - you're not depressed, my friend, you just are screwed! If someone comes to me and they're 40 (and that's the issue, especially if they are also drinking), it's like Humpty Dumpty has hit the floor and no one is going to put the pieces back together because it's just too much. It takes a whole lifetime to put those things together, and while it might have started as a psychological problem, by the time it's fully manifest and you're 40 that's not a psychological problem but a complete catastrophe!"

He also went on about how antidepressants can help with buffering the stress response against the anxiety that comes from being so far outside 'the dominance hierarchy'. And how you should lay out all of the potential areas for improvement and tackle them one by one etc.

All of this really got me thinking about how all of these things impact people today, and how you've said similar things about how you feel "objectively" depressed, in a way, compared to most other people you see. On the other hand, maybe it's too easy, especially if you're naturally inclined to such feelings, to consider yourself to be in an "objectively screwed" situation like that - where other people might still disagree. I mean, for all of your issues, you're well educated, seem to have a supportive family, you're not abusing substances, and I would say you have plenty of room for advancement both in your field and others as well, if you consider that there are other paths to advancement than the admittedly risky path of game development.

So eh. Maybe that's something  that can give a bit of hope to let you visualize how you can turn things around in the future? I see so much hopelessness in what you write from time to time. I've found that spelling these things out for myself can help to avoid that vague feeling of dread that creeps up about them.

Tobias 1115~3Y

I just watched that myself the other day, funnily enough! And not for the first time; I think I linked to it from a post once, a while back? Because it is very relevant.

It's why it bothers me when people speak as if therapy or medication would be some magic cureall... A lot of people do have the major parts of their life in place - they have a home, a job, a partner, friends - but still feel depressed regardless, and it seems like treatment is especially effective for them because it allows them to shift their perceptions and appreciate what they do have. But I'm lacking a lot of the crucial things in a way that's not easy to remedy, plus I have some fairly big disadvantages that most people don't have to contend with.

The brain cancer being a big one. I found out about that while at university, which I'd gone to in order to correct many of these glaring issues with my life. I hoped I'd be able to launch a less isolated career trajectory, find friends, even love; Psychology's mostly young unmarried females after all so the chances seemed higher than anywhere else (that's not why I chose Psychology, though it was a bonus). And while I did find some friends for the first time in years and that helped, that didn't last (if anything it just left me with a ton of pain I still contend with every day), I didn't find a partner, and I ended up finding about the tumour and had to go through the long process of treatment for that. Then the pandemic happened!

These days I just don't have any opportunities to meet anyone, because where would I? And even if I did, would it even be fair to get into a relationship with someone considering how much baggage I bring?

So I'm just trying to find peace with being alone, and I'm trying to figure out how to succeed from this games thing, at least for now. I made a not-insignificant amount of money from it last year, so it's not like I'm getting nowhere! I also read a lot about failed relationships, which help me to feel I'm evading something bad rather than missing out on something necessary, which might not necessarily be accurate but which is the most valuable belief to hold at the moment considering everything else.

My current goal is to finish Atonal Dreams, and hopefully make some money from it. After that I'll look into finding a place of my own. Once the pandemic lifts, I might try stuff like volunteering or maybe going back to do a Psychology master's somewhere; there are options. Only when I've got my life together will it be wise to even consider looking for a relationship, though I might just have missed my chance, which I'll have to learn to cope with.

It's way easier to acknowledge what's wrong or missing than it is to fix it, unfortunately! But that's life, I suppose.

Oh, and it's true that it's not all abysmally bad for me; I have avoided some of the traps like substance abuse, like you said. And it's not as if I'm living on the streets or in an environment of constant stress and abuse. Thanks for pointing that out; I do try to appreciate as much as I can.

I just watched that myself the other day, funnily enough! And not for the first time; I think I linked to it from a post once, a while back? Because it is very relevant.

It's why it bothers me when people speak as if therapy or medication would be some magic cureall... A lot of people do have the major parts of their life in place - they have a home, a job, a partner, friends - but still feel depressed regardless, and it seems like treatment is especially effective for them because it allows them to shift their perceptions and appreciate what they do have. But I'm lacking a lot of the crucial things in a way that's not easy to remedy, plus I have some fairly big disadvantages that most people don't have to contend with.

The brain cancer being a big one. I found out about that while at university, which I'd gone to in order to correct many of these glaring issues with my life. I hoped I'd be able to launch a less isolated career trajectory, find friends, even love; Psychology's mostly young unmarried females after all so the chances seemed higher than anywhere else (that's not why I chose Psychology, though it was a bonus). And while I did find some friends for the first time in years and that helped, that didn't last (if anything it just left me with a ton of pain I still contend with every day), I didn't find a partner, and I ended up finding about the tumour and had to go through the long process of treatment for that. Then the pandemic happened!

These days I just don't have any opportunities to meet anyone, because where would I? And even if I did, would it even be fair to get into a relationship with someone considering how much baggage I bring?

So I'm just trying to find peace with being alone, and I'm trying to figure out how to succeed from this games thing, at least for now. I made a not-insignificant amount of money from it last year, so it's not like I'm getting nowhere! I also read a lot about failed relationships, which help me to feel I'm evading something bad rather than missing out on something necessary, which might not necessarily be /accurate/ but which is the most valuable belief to hold at the moment considering everything else.

My current goal is to finish Atonal Dreams, and hopefully make some money from it. After that I'll look into finding a place of my own. Once the pandemic lifts, I might try stuff like volunteering or maybe going back to do a Psychology master's somewhere; there are options. Only when I've got my life together will it be wise to even consider looking for a relationship, though I might just have missed my chance, which I'll have to learn to cope with.

It's way easier to acknowledge what's wrong or missing than it is to fix it, unfortunately! But that's life, I suppose.

Oh, and it's true that it's not /all/ abysmally bad for me; I have avoided some of the traps like substance abuse, like you said. And it's not as if I'm living on the streets or in an environment of constant stress and abuse. Thanks for pointing that out; I do try to appreciate as much as I can.

mount201046~3Y

To be honest in recent weeks I've felt like therapy only really works if you already know what you need to do and just need some convincing. Being able to talk to *someone* at all is a joy, though. I get the feeling people like us frequently spill all our traumas on anyone we manage to get to talk to... That might turn some people off.

I guess about the "people with a job, family, and etc still feel horrible" is really just... a crap part of sapience. I guess in every situation we really just find something wrong to focus on, and we never really just stop, and perfection feels *wrong* in a way - we're never happy to stop and appreciate what we have...

Often I shame myself by comparing myself, as people often do, to less-well off people or people who are barely able to meet the basic requirements of life... When compared to that every problem of first-world life *should* seem irrelevant, but it does not, and I guess even though it's "better" we don't necessarily feel better about it.

If you do become successful one thing you could look into would be solutions to this problem. I feel like many people just need an outlet to spill their traumas... there's a lot of focus on stopping problems like bullying or poverty but once people are out of that situation they lose support and it carries with them. It's really a shame that the rules of social interaction has caused us to instead not communicate with each other at all for fear of breaking them.

I guess about the "people with a job, family, and etc still feel horrible" is really just... a crap part of sapience. I guess in every situation we really just find something wrong to focus on, and we never really just stop, and perfection feels *wrong* in a way - we're never happy to stop and appreciate what we have...

Often I shame myself by comparing myself, as people often do, to less-well off people or people who are barely able to meet the basic requirements of life... When compared to that every problem of first-world life *should* seem irrelevant, but it does not, and I guess even though it's "better" we don't necessarily feel better about it.

If you do become successful one thing you could look into would be solutions to this problem. I feel like many people just need an outlet to spill their traumas... there's a lot of focus on stopping problems like bullying or poverty but once people are out of that situation they lose support and it carries with them. It's really a shame that the rules of social interaction has caused us to instead not communicate with each other at all for fear of breaking them.

Tobias 1115~3Y

Several times I've entertained the idea of making some kind of 'virtual therapist', or virtual friend or something, who people could vent to whenever they needed, and who'd respond in a way that was most valuable to them, they'd be customisable, etc... though I wonder if such a thing is possible - maybe it'd just never rise beyond the discomfort of talking to yourself - or even wise.

But things like that surely already exist, and I've never looked into them myself for probably the same reasons that would put people off such a thing if I made it, which is a shame!

Wait, actually, I saw this the other day: [LINK]