PERSONAL

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1,895

Brain scan

4 years ago1,092 words

I don't have any results yet so I'm not any less in the dark medically, but it was interesting just getting out of the house.

The whole ordeal took like five hours, and while my anxiety was somewhat high before I set off, it was surprisingly low for most of the experience.

I had to wait for the scan for some ridiculous time like an hour, because the person in there before me - an ancient-looking Russian(?) man in a wheelchair who needed a translator - took an unusually long time. I'd expect just sitting there in this relatively unusual environment that reminds me of a ton of past pain would be more difficult, but I'd almost go so far as to say I was just bored. Time passed surprisingly quickly.

Before the scan, you're asked a series of questions by a nurse, things that might affect the magnets ("do you have any metal fragments in your eyes", that kind of thing). This nurse was a friendly middle-aged woman - they often are - and I talk with people like her as if I don't even have social anxiety, easily doing a friendly back-and-forth, giving jokey answers to as many of the questions doesn't feel like overdoing it, in a way that seem to me to evoke genuine laughs. So that was a nice distraction. (Though I once overheard another person going through the same questions, and he sounded well-adjusted in a way that made my own approach feel awkward.)

They go through the questions again though, right before the scan (apparently some people suddenly remember that whoops, they do have shrapnel in their eyes, or so I was told when I asked one time). This time, the three technicians in charge of the MRI machine were all young women, and I felt like my (far fewer) attempts at joking with the one going through the questions were just way more awkward? I don't mean *I* felt more awkward, but rather they just were less... comfortable in their skins, something like that? Which makes sense. The older nurse would have many years more experience, but these girls looked like they were fresh out of university (or whatever you go to to qualify for such a job).

It made me wonder about how much of my social anxiety comes from the anxiety of other young people, and whether it's something that just fades with age. Or maybe it's me being more anxious around young people because their judgement has always mattered more, in some subconscious way, being peers or potential mates as they are. Or maybe my generation - raised more digitally than those before - are just more awkward in general anyway? Were these girls my generation? They seemed so young to me in a way that made me feel uncomfortably old. But I wondered how they saw me. Were the shy side-looks one of them (who looked disconcertingly similar to that friend I used to be obsessed with) gave me out of some interest because I was younger than the doddering old fogeys she usually has to deal with? Or pity, because I shouldn't be so ill so young? Embarrassment because I was awkward in ways I didn't even realise I was? Derisive judgement because I registered as a peer but wasn't appealing enough in some way or another??

I know I'm reading too much into that; she probably didn't really think anything, and it's not like it even mattered. I didn't obsess over it or anything. I suppose I just get so little social contact that every little thing sticks with me. Plus I was lying there with my thoughts for a while with nothing else to do but think, so a lot of things swirled around my mind.

I always mention my anxiety condition to the technicians before the scans just in case, and this time was no exception (come to think of it, that familiar-looking girl - lurking quietly in the background - looked up attentively when I said that; maybe she had one too, she looked - and sounded - the type). They do their best to be accommodating, which I appreciate. It turned out to be unnecessary though; for the first couple of minutes I had flashes of "get me out of here!" feelings and imagined squeezing the odd call-for-help blob they give you to hold, but that didn't last, and the rest of the 50 minutes didn't seem nearly as long as that.

I was paying attention to the noises in the machine. They come in different types, in phases, so for example there might be one that sounds like a pneumatic drill ('jackhammer') for about a minute, then it stops, pause, then a slower pulse starts for another few minutes. While lying there with my thoughts and nothing else to do, I wondered what, specifically, each noise was, and I said to one of the technicians after that I'd be curious to look into it when I got back home. I just tried to, but... eh, maybe later. I did notice something interesting about the slower pulses, though. I imagined specific drumbeat-like rhythms while listening to them, and remarkably it was as if I was physically hearing which beats were stressed and which weren't, and I was able to effectively alter the volume/timbre of each pulse by consciously changing the imagined rhythm I was following. Interesting evidence of how illusory and malleable our perceptions are (you're probably already familiar with the yanny/laurel thing, and maybe the similar ∞ brainstorm/green needle ∞ one, which are also examples of this), plus it was something to do to distract myself!

So yes, that was that. Nothing much I can say about my brain until I get the results back in something like three weeks though (I couldn't have asked the staff anything medical since they were just technicians). I've been dreading this day for ages, but it actually felt good just being out in the world. No head symptoms, minimal anxiety. I've often dreaded the thought of getting a real job in the outside world, but this time I found myself thinking "I could do this; I could be in a place like this with other people regularly". A new thought for me! Maybe that was just because it was particularly quiet though, probably due to COVID regulations or something.

Now. Back to the usual. I should probably try to put Atonal Dreams on Steam tomorrow...