PERSONAL

3

1,745

I met up with a friend today

4 years ago1,191 words

The first human contact I've had in many months!

It was... eh, alright, I suppose. I'm mostly making a note of it here because it's so unusual for me, and I'll be able to look back on these posts years from now and think "I remember what it was like to be a human!"

I went on a train for the first time in ages. I was less anxious than I expected to be; it all felt familiar, so that's remarkable. I still felt like an out-of-place alien though, bumbling through everything differently to the more well-adjusted 'normal' people around me.

This friend is one of the two girls I met in my first week of university (back in, what, 2016?), who I was less close to but who still actually talks to me. Well, I suppose we're 'on speaking terms' at least, though we only meet up every few months at most. Maybe this is what it's like for adults. Maybe this is how friendships survive, with little actual interaction!

It's nice to have someone with whom I can quickly and comfortably dive into a ~deep conversation~ that flows easily, someone who doesn't judge or argue with me, who I feel comfortable to blurt out anything around and who seems to laugh along with my silliness. I suppose.

She's always liked me a lot, ostensibly, and to my enduring surprise - speaking highly of me to her friends and such - but there's never been any sexual interest on either side, so I suspect that's a big factor in our interactions being deep without being tainted by toxic tension, jealousy, insecurity, etc.

Come to think of it, she's probably the person I've been able to talk the most freely with and felt the least anxious around... out of all the many millions of people I've known, of course. Interesting.

It'd surely be a different story if we talked every day. We both have mental health issues, after all.

We talked mostly about lifestyle and relationships stuff - jobs, homes, her recent break-up with her boyfriend, etc - though I also mentioned the aliens stuff because THEY'LL BE HERE SOON YOU KNOW!!! That, and I was curious to see how much of it had trickled over to people who haven't fallen down the rabbit hole. "Just a bit", apparently.

Sex also came up quite a bit, as usual, and it's interesting talking openly and honestly about that sort of stuff with someone of the opposite sex without any undercurrent of attraction. Silly more than stimulating. I'm still not used to it, personally, though I wonder how many opposite-sex friends talk about all that at length during their younger years (though maybe the stimulation is unavoidable then?).

Seems she's hardly lonely, though. She mentioned seeing people - like she was seeing me - every day for the past two weeks; hardly made our meet-up feel like anything special. I can't really expect anyone else to be as isolated as I am, I know, though the contrast between my situation and others' is quite stark. Not that she does it to boast or put me down or anything; it's just that I'm unusually unfortunate, and we're very honest and open with one another.

I asked how she met all these people. Lingering in the town we went to uni in is one factor, though the main one seems to be Tinder, on which she said she gets too many matches. She said a lot of people have taken to Tinder just to make friends during the lockdown, though I wonder to what extent any of the guys lucky to get a match at all would be content with such an arrangement even if they'd go along with it hoping it might lead to something more.

She mentioned three separate guys she met on Tinder and befriended who all ended up professing their undying love for her in various forms - pouring their hearts out through heartfelt notes, both written and musical - and how tough it is to gently let them down. It probably is tough. But I can of course only imagine.

Young women have a distinct advantage when it comes to finding connections, thanks to apps like those. I'd try it myself, but all I've read suggests a guy like me would go completely ignored. I can't imagine that having positive effects on my mental health.

Here's a weird, completely unrelated fact: I can't burp! Instead I get this weird feeling of like trapped air or something around the upper chest - diaphragm region maybe - which makes odd 'frog noises' occasionally or feels generally uncomfortable. Like holding in gas at the other end, though this isn't conscious (I'm guessing it was born of consciously holding it in due to childhood extreme 'not-wanting-to-be-a-bother'-ness, though now I can't even burp if I try because it's like I don't even know how the mechanism feels... I also can't click my fingers!). I haven't had it in many months though, until today; I suspect it's a result of talking while digesting, or something. HOW INTERESTING. It was annoying enough though that I found myself looking forward to getting home, despite appreciating the rare opportunity for company. It's been bothering me as I've been writing this.

I often long for social contact, and I did enjoy her company in many ways, genuinely... but I don't know. I suppose I'm reminded of the psychological concept of egoistic relative deprivation, which was a big thing for me in uni: when we know people who seem to be 'on the same level' as us that get more than we do, it hurts more than it does when people outside our sphere get those things because it feels as if we should be getting them too. It'd bother most people more if their colleague got a pay rise than if some board member got a new bonus.

I appreciate the honest sharing though and would rather she told me than just hid things to spare my feelings or something.

We may or may not be meeting next week too. That'll be... fine, probably. When was the last time I was actually excited about anything, actually? Hmm...

I suppose maybe it makes me feel more comfortable though about the idea of living alone. Relationship drama and changes sound - and are, I know from experience - so painful and all-consuming, and just socialising in general can feel so draining... I noticed my mind wandering to stuff I wanted to make in private. Maybe that's just what's most comfortable for me. Hmm.

Or maybe I'm just depressed, and one meeting isn't enough to break through that suffocating black cloud, even if I can act relatively engaged during it. Probably.

Feels like a while since I've written about anything personal like this! Because it's been a while since anything like this actually happened. Feels weird! I used to post stuff like this all the time though.

Oh, and I didn't do any work today because of this, so that's yet another day of zero productivity! Pfft! I really need to do something tomorrow...