PERSONAL

8

1,830

Week Off - Video Call, Insecurities, Moving Out?

3 years ago2,512 words

I didn't do any work this week, as I said in last week's post would be the plan, so here's a personal post about all the exciting things I got up to instead!! I was meant to meet a friend, but didn't! I was meant to do a video call with a different friend, and did! I want to find somewhere to move out to, but have no idea where to even start looking!

I made a list of things I wanted to do this week - mostly creative stuff, like 'compose a piece of music', but also some social things - though I spent much of the week just wasting time! I didn't achieve anything creative, unfortunately, but maybe that's not a bad thing if it means my batteries had a chance to recharge?

I did have a couple of social plans. One was for the uni friend I met up with last week to come over here while my parents were away... but she ended up giving an excuse and cancelling. I was expecting that because of what I know of her, so I wasn't exactly devastated; if anything, it was a relief, since as much as I like the idea of social contact, the actual reality feels so exhausting that I dreaded it in the days leading up to our planned meetings and wished I could just be doing something creative by myself instead.

Still, being 'rejected' in this way set me off wondering whether it's because I'm a horribly unappealing person and nobody could possibly want to spend time with me etc. I have enough evidence that she doesn't have a horribly negative opinion of me, and if anything it could be insecurity on her part, plus the excuse she gave sounded genuine and serious (family emergency), but I do have terrible social anxiety that's only been exacerbated by certain events, so the deep-seated self-loathing colours all social interactions.

Another plan I had was to do a video call with another uni friend, who also has social anxiety. The planned day came... but we both chickened out and just ended up texting for a bit instead, which left me feeling like a pathetic disappointment who'd best just slink into the shadows and never even try to interact with anyone ever again.

I've been convinced in recent years that I'm a repulsive mess of a person, a joke. Lots of factors have contributed to this: bullying and neglect as a child laid the foundations while my mind was building its understanding of the world, then as I got older and faced devastating rejections from the people I grew closest to, received acerbic comments or malicious stalking from trolls when running websites, and learned more about psychology - specifically evolutionary and social psychology, and what people are attracted to or repulsed by - this self image just grew darker and darker, and this was probably the biggest motivation behind my suicide attempt(s?) a few years ago.

I don't feel nearly as intensely dark these days, though it's still this subconscious dark background, this fundamental assumption no different to the 'truths' we all assume about the world based on whatever evidence has spoken loudest to us. I'm a broken person, or so I believe, and changing that belief is like convincing an atheist to believe in God. Sometimes surprising evidence comes up that causes a glimmer of doubt (a friend wanting to meet with me), but not long after some other stuff more congruent with the current understanding comes up (them cancelling) and gets more readily embraced, while the momentary challenge to the status quo is dismissed.

Thankfully, though, the friend I was supposed to be doing a video call with suggested a new time the day after, meaning she was either still genuinely interested in talking with me - such a difficult idea for my mind to accept - or that she was at least polite enough to pretend to be.

We both pushed ourselves, and did go through with the call, so that was something! Video calls have been the primary means of communication for most people through the lockdown, so anyone who's out in the world in any form probably has a lot of experience with them by now. She's at uni, so she'd done a bunch. I've only done a couple about a year ago though, so the etiquette and protocol were things I had to figure out. I don't have a webcam or microphone - and I'm not using a laptop - so I had to awkwardly use my phone.

The whole thing was awkward! But we're both awkward people, and much of what we've talked about is our insecurities and social fears, so the mutuality and acceptance made the whole thing fulfilling... though I've still been cringing about stupid little things I said (which we both predicted we'd do while talking).

The worst parts of social anxiety are the initial fears, which often lead to avoidance of assumedly-anxiety-inducing situations, and the negatively-biased mental review (cringing) that spans for days or more afterwards. During the actual conversation, I wouldn't say I was particularly anxious. This is always the way it goes. My delivery is scattered though; I blurt out a lot of irrelevant things or leave thoughts unfinished, probably due to a combination of being my high Openness Big 5 stat, intelligence, and - of course - lack of social experience. Lots of connections constantly appearing to me without the conditioned filters I really should have in place.

I know that I'm not physically attractive, and though I met this friend in the real world and we've spent time together a bunch of times, for whatever reason I was still paranoid that she'd see what a troglodyte I was and want nothing more to do with me. In particular, I've always been paranoid about my GINORMOUS FOREHEAD. It looks like it's heavily receding, but I don't even know if it is; I have memories of being teased as a child for looking like I was bald because of it, and it doesn't seem to have changed in years. I used to wear a (beanie) hat at uni all the time to hide it.

I brought it up, though. I knew she'd reassure me, but assumed it'd just be polite; what people say isn't necessary what they're actually thinking. I was surprised, though! She mentioned a couple of her housemates had recently been worried about the exact same thing, and they'd all been talking about it just the other day. One apparently always wore a hat like I did, and decided to be brave and take it off far them one time, or something. Reassuring to know not just that I'm the only one, but also that she's had direct experience with other people around her with the same thing and as such it's more 'normalised' for her. She said either she or these housemates had joked it makes a person look more intelligent, which is something I've always hoped too, so I suppose I'll just try to see it like that.

I still hate that part of my appearance though. She talked about things she dislikes about her own appearance - all but the most narcissistic have some insecurities about the details of the body they see every day - but (interestingly, I suppose) they're physical features I've liked for years because they're deviations from the obnoxious 'hot' look that I personally find repulsive. We talked about that, too; these Instagram models who all try to look the same. Do you like that look? Is anyone actually attracted to that? It's not my kind of thing at all!

So yes, I forced myself through my anxiety and insecurities to do that video call, and didn't regret it! I felt a kind of light calmness that I haven't felt in ages, and was able to use that to reply to some Twitter DMs I'd been putting off for months. Our bodies and minds just break when we're too isolated; it felt like having a big glass of water after wandering for days in the desert. Made me wonder whether to try this with other people, though I suppose that's something to work up to. (Surely a year from now I'll be doing regular streams and youtube videos, of course.)

It's sad, I know, that I'm as old as I am but something like this is such a big deal... She said she wanted to do it again, make it a regular thing even, and I'd like to as well... though the reason I was hoping to do it this week was because my parents were away on holiday. They're back now, and... ugh, it feels like I've been sent back to prison or something (yes, it's very much like the years I spent in Alcatraz after gunning down all those orphans back in '49).

I've thought about moving out for ages, but it's always been a sort of vague desire that I'll get to 'some day', since - despite some frustrations - my current position is mostly comfortable. My parents are supportive - they're not abusive or demanding at all - and I rarely see them, and while I'm here I don't have to worry about things like rent or bills and can save up all the money I get to build a security net. I don't know how reliable the indie dev thing will ever be, or what kind of job - if any - I could even get were I to drastically change course, so I feel I really do need the security of savings.

I moved back here after uni because I needed to have brain surgery and couldn't exactly look after myself while recovering from that, then as I started to recover, the pandemic happened... And it's just been easier to stagnate here than to move on. I'm always waiting for something, like "I'll move out when lockdown's over!", or "I'll move out when I release Atonal Dreams!"...

If I am going to have regular-ish video interactions with even one friend, though, I feel awkward doing that in a house where my parents could either overhear me or just wander in when I'm in the middle of talking. It's embarrassing - for me and probably for the other person too, regardless of polite reassurances - and it limits how much I can honestly express myself.

I talked about this with that friend - who's also not sure where she'll live after finishing uni in September, and dreads having to move back home - and ended up doing a bit of research into places I could stay... but the main issue, I suppose, is that I have no idea where to move to, because it's not as if I have to be near some specific job, which I suppose is the main determining factor in where people choose to move to? Or is it not? I have no idea; I've never really thought about this before.

I found a bunch of articles talking about the cheapest/safest places in the UK to get a house, but the information just feels so meaningless because I have no connection to any of the places at all. And it feels like there are too many choices, so I feel paralysed by indecision and fear of choosing badly.

It's looking very likely that I'll just end up living alone, and I think I'm okay with that. As much as I've always longed to find my ~soulmate~ and all that because I wasn't loved as a child and have some deep subconscious need for a saviour who'll fill the roles of the mother who wasn't there while I grew up, and in doing so fill the hole in my soul, I probably couldn't handle living with another person anyway (and obviously that insecurity's not a healthy basis for a relationship).

I also spend my whole life at my computer, so I don't need anything big or fancy. I'd like somewhere safe, ideally, and quiet, maybe with nature nearby so I could go out for varied, healthy walks. Probably not a city, though I'd also need good wi-fi. I love the idea of being a part of a small communal environment, where everyone had their own space but were on friendly terms, but I also doubt that's realistic - or rather, that I'd get along with a random selection of strangers - so I definitely wouldn't want to rent just a room in a shared accommodation (which I know is a relatively cheap option). I would like to live in something like a studio flat/apartment, though, and I suppose living in blocks of flats - where you share a front door with other people? - is really common, plus I have experience with that from my time at university, so maybe I'll end up finding something like that...

My income's so small though that I wonder to what degree I even have a choice about any of this. Rent varies drastically depending on location, and I don't want to live in a city centre... but I've been told I'd need to be earning about £1000 a month even just to get some poky flat in a rough little town like the one I grew up in. I'm kind of earning that at the moment? I got £1165 last month. But my monthly earnings are very variable, very unreliable... I've got enough saved up to pay for at least a year - and to reassure landlords I could pay the rent, which seems to be a big concern when getting houses in the UK, according to my (European) friend - but... ehh.

I suppose I just need to give it more thought, do some more research... though I'm not sure where to even start.

A question for anyone reading this: How did you decide on the place where you live currently?



I meant to play some indie games this week... but didn't. I did however revisit Abe's Exoddus - a game from my childhood that Soulstorm was a reimagining of - and I've been meaning to write a post about my experiences with that, since even if nobody else cares it does feel valuable to write about what I liked or didn't since I'm always wondering about how to make my own games appealing to people. Hopefully I'll write that soon!



Completely unrelated to anything, here's a random youtube video the algorithm spat in my face the other day:



It stood out to me because the style of humour seemed more like the sort of thing I'd (want to) do myself. I particularly like the eyes looking slightly in different directions (feels like there should be a term for that, but I can't find one!), which is something I've been doing a lot to suggest stupidity or insanity in Atonal Dreams!



And I'm still waiting for news about UFO disclosure, but the aliens aren't here just yet!!! ANY DAY NOW!!!