Alora Fane

I'm taking maybe a couple of weeks off Atonal Dreams to do some other stuff, like brainstorming other game ideas or trying to break out of my mental cocoon to socialise online in some small way...

I wrote a while ago about how I was looking into moving out of my parents’ place and finding my own, since I’m 33 and that should have happened over a decade ago. Annoyingly - but probably not surprisingly - it's still not happened yet.

A big part of it not happening was because I was talking with that friend about moving in with her temporarily, and when she - predictably, but still disappointingly - changed her mind about that, I just felt so deflated and didn’t want to think about it for a while. It’s not as if I have some obsession about her in particular as I have with a couple of poor people in the past - her turning down the wonderful offer to share a living space with this weirdo felt more like dropping an ice cream cone than losing an arm - but I have nobody else at all who I could even maybe find a place with, so it was my only option. Now I have no options but to just live alone.

While the only time I ever leave the house these days is to go for brief walks - and I don’t do that as much as I’d like - my parents are always seeing their friends, or going away on little holidays for days at a time. And part of my step-dad’s job involves looking after some community centre thing we live right next to, so when he’s away, that duty falls to me. There’s very little to it - basically I just have to lock and unlock the doors at certain times and put some tables out or away - but I still mildly dread it just because I worry I’ll forget something or there’ll be some kind of crisis I’m neither physically nor mentally equipped to deal with, and I have to be alert all the time so I can't fully relax. But I also hate the thought of being a complete leech - even though if anything my parents keep trying to convince me to not move out - so I’m ‘happy’ my lingering here can be useful to them in some way.

They’ve been planning for months to go on one of their holidays in October, next week. So they’ll be away for a couple of weeks. My mum’s mentioned to me many times that she's worried I’d move out before then so they wouldn’t be able to go away, so that’s the main reason I’ve delayed looking for a place of my own.

I’m thinking though that during that time when they’re away and I’m here alone, I’ll take some time off Atonal Dreams to try and… I don’t know, do something different. There are a bunch of things I want to make but haven’t had the time or energy, and there are some social things I’d like to at least attempt too.

I’ve been working on a new creative project in the evenings, and the difference between working on that and Atonal Dreams is like day and night. I look forward to working on it every day, and can focus without distraction for three consecutive hours, while with AD I have to take regular breaks and I constantly check the clock. It’s always like this with new projects. I wish it lasted for the whole duration! But it never does.

That project’s too experimental to be a profitable game, and I’d rather just keep it to myself rather than inviting judgement and getting stressed about it. The main benefits from it will be skills I can later incorporate into actual game projects - I’ve been learning about a couple of Unity features I never even knew about before - and, well, making things like this is just something I do for fun in the same way others watch stuff, play games, or socialise (I do those too of course - though the latter so rarely these days - but making stuff’s always more satisfying).

I’ve been wondering though whether I could also use this time to brainstorm other games I could potentially make, more quickly than AD… but I’m in the middle of AD and I really I don’t want to give it up, and I’ve done that kind of brainstorming before and it’s not led anywhere. Maybe it’d be worth refining or building on some previous attempts to generate ideas so then I have some to work on when AD’s done, at least. We’ll see.

I’ve also retreated too much into my shell these days, and I keep thinking I should try to break out by engaging with strangers who don’t know anything about me, somewhere. I’ve been looking on the ∞ r/socialanxiety subreddit ∞ - a quick skim through that should give a good idea of the nature of the demons that have pushed me into this pitiable pit - so maybe I’ll post there at some point… though there’s a lot of variety in who posts there. Some guys in their thirties who’ve never held a job or a girl’s hand, uni students who get anxious when their boyfriends say mean things about their work friends…

Mostly though I’m just still scarred from running Fig Hunter - and the other sites I made to try and escape it - after all these years. I absolutely don’t miss waking up every day dreading what drama I’d have to deal with. Every time my phone makes the email sound - mostly for auto-sent notifications these days - I get a jolt of fear about it being someone telling me there’s some drama or damage I need to take a look at… Not that it'd be anything like that when posting anonymously on some random subreddit, but trauma reactions are often irrational. Hopefully I'll push through it, though. We'll see.

I've also seen indie devs talking about how they wish they knew other devs to talk with, to help motivate each other, and a lot of others spoke up about wanting the same thing. There are surely discords etc out there for such things, but if I see a new one forming, I might try to participate in that too... though just typing that out brings forth a flood of thoughts like "but I'll probably just say something wrong or repulsive and make everyone uncomfortable", so I suppose social anxiety is a bigger factor there than I might like to think. Hmm.

Oh well. Maybe I'll think some more over the coming days about some other stuff I could maybe do while I'm taking time off. Like music composition; I really want to do some of that.

Also, I was supposed to have a brain scan on Monday, but I had some kind of stomach bug or something - I think I mentioned this in last week's Weekly Update - so I postponed the appointment by a month or so. So I won't have the thought of getting results from that hanging over me during this break, which is a relief.

10 COMMENTS

phsc57~3Y

I think going out of one's comfort zone is extremely good for anyone, I was forced by law to do that to an extent and while at first I disliked it, I really value it now.
So I live in Brazil, and conscription is a thing here for around 1/5 of the population, and turns out I was a really good candidate for that, so they called me, at first I got really mad that they destroyed my plans, that I would have to do a lot of stuff I consider stupid, etc, anyway, after a few months in, I actually really... value the experience.
It not only made me able to value some basic things, like the simple fact I have a home, where one can be comfortable, sleep well, have personal space, have their own things in a safe place, not feel pain, eat good food (one you can choose!), wake up at a time you choose, and of course the fact that daily you are not just following orders under threat of going to prison and such, it really made me value that.
There are of course things I hate and things I did not even know I'd hate so much, this is mostly about people specifically, and some of their beliefs and such, not to get into detail, but at least I am aware of it? also how the world works to an extent, but it made me value the fact I was not close to this to the point I did not even know it.
It also made me realize there are things from it that I really like and will turn into hobbies, I'm not saying you should do something this wild, but why be in your comfort zone to the point of socializing online? why not do it in real life? of course there is still COVID out there, but masks and vaccines are already a thing, I personally think you should break your comfort zone to the point of talking to people in real life! people in the internet are going to be too similar to you and will probably be in similar situations, is that really going out of the comfort zone at all? also I'd say the internet has way too many trolls and people who just want to make people like you feel worse, in real life that is actually rather rare in my experience, you don't need to say you've never had a job or whatever, or that you are in your 30s, maybe just mention one of the issues you think you have to one person, I think this personally works more with older people, and it is not like you need to go it is not like you are going to go deep with internet people anyway, I've tried that and it never works out.
Anyway, the big thing about going out of the comfort zone is that, you realize it is not that big of an issue, and life gets sort of oddly comforting, even when you are in a bad situation, and that turns out a lot of people are in a situation worse than yours, and I at least really value that, anyway, this is just a suggestion.

Tobias 1115~3Y

I always dreaded conscription returning to the UK, but I can also understand how being forced into a situation like that, and having to adapt, would lead to a lot of valuable growth, so I'm glad it worked out that way for you! I know a lot of my issues linger due to people enabling me, but I also don't exactly want that to change...

Talk to people in the real world, you say? Sure, I'll just go to the Friend House where a lot of compatible people are just sitting around waiting for me to push through my mental issues and show up. Or I wish that's how reality worked!

I spent a few years going to many 'groups and clubs' - what people always suggest - which was completely fruitless, and not (entirely) due to my anxiety. They were full of old people, who I could talk to, but we had nothing to talk about because they all had spouses and children - or grandchildren - and couldn't understand my anxiety or game dev work at all. We had nothing in common.

The only time I've had success is when I went to university when I was 27 - also an attempt to 'get out there' - and finally found some friends, but that led to heartbreak, and finding out I had brain cancer, then as I was recovering from the surgery for that, COVID happened. I'm still in touch with a couple of those friends. One of them was the person I was going to move in with, before that fell apart.

At this point, I've largely accepted my lot in life - I don't mind just spending my life in front of a computer making stuff - but I'd also like to find some kindred spirits who have similar mental issues and lifestyles who I can occasionally text. The internet is really the only way to do that.

The only girlfriend I've ever had started as an online friendship (not from a dating site), so it sounds like my experiences have been different to yours regarding online connections.

Talk to people in the real world, you say? Sure, I'll just go to the Friend House where a lot of compatible people are just sitting around waiting for me to push through my mental issues and show up. Or I wish that's how reality worked!

I spent a few years going to many 'groups and clubs' - what people always suggest - which was completely fruitless, and not (entirely) due to my anxiety. They were full of old people, who I could talk to, but we had nothing to talk /about/ because they all had spouses and children - or grandchildren - and couldn't understand my anxiety or game dev work at all. We had nothing in common.

The only time I've had success is when I went to university when I was 27 - also an attempt to 'get out there' - and finally found some friends, but that led to heartbreak, and finding out I had brain cancer, then as I was recovering from the surgery for that, COVID happened. I'm still in touch with a couple of those friends. One of them was the person I was going to move in with, before that fell apart.

At this point, I've largely accepted my lot in life - I don't mind just spending my life in front of a computer making stuff - but I'd also like to find some kindred spirits who have similar mental issues and lifestyles who I can occasionally text. The internet is really the only way to do that.

The only girlfriend I've ever had started as an online friendship (not from a dating site), so it sounds like my experiences have been different to yours regarding online connections.

phsc57~3Y

Well, you need to look for people who like the same things as you! I had an uncle (who died a few months ago) who was also a very lonely dude, he was a programmer and died in his 50s, he did end up with a wife and a daughter but later had a divorce and he had issues with depression, anxiety and diabetes his entire life, but he did have friends! He did that because he had hobbies and he looked out for groups related to such hobbies, he liked Magic: The Gathering, World of Warcraft, RPG games in general and fishing/camping, he went to Magic: The Gathering groups, World of Warcraft he did not have physical friends, he went to like game stores and such (I mean it was in the past so that was easier, now people buy games online) and fishing/camping should be fairly obvious, there are a lot of people interested in that and he did meet people in stores, conventions or whatever? that one I am not so sure.

Anyway, that is an example, I can speak for myself more! I am pretty happy with my current friend groups, my oldest friends are online ones, I met them in a flash game, back when I was 10, the game was online (and not that popular) and I did not speak english very well, and these people were in a similar situation! of course I did not befriend everybody, and as time passed some grew and changed and went their own ways, but I also met people because of them! online of course, to this day I will talk to like 3 of these people frequently, and some of them went on to do other things with me that made them able to meet more people as well, out of all these people I've met in the game (more originally) I made one additional friend I still talk to this day frequently.
This is a very important thing! if you make one friend, that one friend probably has friends, who might also like you! this is how I met a lot of people.

I kept playing the flash game for a while, like sort of until flash died (the game also went to Steam like you did with MARDEK), but my friends stopped playing it, but my english got better and I met more people! I made a project in the game and such that was a failure but doing that I made a lot of friends, I made a Discord server for the project that with time changed into simply a community, and these are some of the people I talk the most to! some got in over the years but most are from the original idea, like 10-15, of course some are closer and some are not as close, but it is a very nice place! not counting on people I invited to such server from other communities.

What about real life friends? most of my current real-life friends are from high-school, I did high-school with a technician's degree course, it was a programming course, and in that course I met, well, one person out of the like 40 who is my friend to this day, but there was also an electronics class, and I ended up meeting people from such class, and there I made my best friend and met a few others, in my last high-school year I also made a friend (who was romantically interested in me) from the chemistry course, anyway there was a girl I used to sort of talk to and she had an online boyfriend, he is a really nice dude and I invited him to a Discord server of mine and we also talk to daily, also these out of these friends, a few also are in that server I made from the flash game, because they speak english pretty well.

Anyway, a while ago I made more friends out of a MARDEK Discord server I joined, and some also joined that other flash-game server.

And last but not least, I play a game called DOTA 2 a lot, and in that game I made friends in a very weird way that you are probably not interested in, but it basically made a small community where people actually knew each other in, and I recommended DOTA to other friends of mine, real ones or internet ones, and this is the main activity that keeps us close and also what has made me make most friends in the last few years... that and another really small community I made friends in but I left it and I don't talk to people from it but I could've kept contact but it is really weird so...

A lot of text to say something simple, a few things I learned with time:
1 - You need to maintain friends, they will not like you for no reason, talk to them! and even if you do that, and do activities with them, people change and you need to accept that and keep that in mind! that happened with your university friends, and it also happened with people I've met online and mostly in real life, I have friends I made in the army and I am pretty sure next year I won't be talking to them, because of how the situation forces that, same with high-school or previous education, but also friends I've made later.
2 - Hobbies and interests! I made friends because I like video games (the flash game, MARDEK, DOTA), because I like programming and that other community that had a topic but still it is really weird, all related to my interests!

So, if tomorrow all my friends went away, how would I make friends? DOTA is a slow and hard way to make friends, but I think that could happen, and well, I'd find a job and probably maybe befriend people there (legally I can't right now!) and do courses related to things I like, also maybe find groups related to things I like, maybe some DOTA related event or whatever (DOTA is not very popular in Brazil but that does exist!).
But if that did not work out, I'd try to get into some new activity, one I plan on getting into but it is legally complicated is firearms and target shooting, and I am pretty sure I will make a few friends out of it.

So here is the thing Tobias, what do you like other than indie game developement? don't focus on your issues, very few people want to talk about issues and problems, try to have a good time and sort of forget about the issues maybe?

Anyway, you want online friends? in my experience only small groups works, your website is one! I did not make friends here, but I am pretty sure you did? it is small to the point you might be able to individually remember people, but big to the point you actually get to meet some new people! but I've been using Reddit for years and I've not made a single friend there, even in niche subs I'm active in.

Also important detail, social interaction is not the same as making friends! when I said older people I'm mostly talking about people I will talk to once or twice and not build a connection, but maybe learn something or just like pass time, random people on the street works for that! I misunderstood your goals, you want friends who you will talk for years, not just people to have social interaction with, my bad.

Anyway, that is an example, I can speak for myself more! I am pretty happy with my current friend groups, my oldest friends are online ones, I met them in a flash game, back when I was 10, the game was online (and not that popular) and I did not speak english very well, and these people were in a similar situation! of course I did not befriend everybody, and as time passed some grew and changed and went their own ways, but I also met people because of them! online of course, to this day I will talk to like 3 of these people frequently, and some of them went on to do other things with me that made them able to meet more people as well, out of all these people I've met in the game (more originally) I made one additional friend I still talk to this day frequently.
This is a very important thing! if you make one friend, that one friend probably has friends, who might also like you! this is how I met a lot of people.

I kept playing the flash game for a while, like sort of until flash died (the game also went to Steam like you did with MARDEK), but my friends stopped playing it, but my english got better and I met more people! I made a project in the game and such that was a failure but doing that I made a lot of friends, I made a Discord server for the project that with time changed into simply a community, and these are some of the people I talk the most to! some got in over the years but most are from the original idea, like 10-15, of course some are closer and some are not as close, but it is a very nice place! not counting on people I invited to such server from other communities.

What about real life friends? most of my current real-life friends are from high-school, I did high-school with a technician's degree course, it was a programming course, and in that course I met, well, one person out of the like 40 who is my friend to this day, but there was also an electronics class, and I ended up meeting people from such class, and there I made my best friend and met a few others, in my last high-school year I also made a friend (who was romantically interested in me) from the chemistry course, anyway there was a girl I used to sort of talk to and she had an online boyfriend, he is a really nice dude and I invited him to a Discord server of mine and we also talk to daily, also these out of these friends, a few also are in that server I made from the flash game, because they speak english pretty well.

Anyway, a while ago I made more friends out of a MARDEK Discord server I joined, and some also joined that other flash-game server.

And last but not least, I play a game called DOTA 2 a lot, and in that game I made friends in a very weird way that you are probably not interested in, but it basically made a small community where people actually knew each other in, and I recommended DOTA to other friends of mine, real ones or internet ones, and this is the main activity that keeps us close and also what has made me make most friends in the last few years... that and another really small community I made friends in but I left it and I don't talk to people from it but I could've kept contact but it is really weird so...

A lot of text to say something simple, a few things I learned with time:
1 - You need to maintain friends, they will not like you for no reason, talk to them! and even if you do that, and do activities with them, people change and you need to accept that and keep that in mind! that happened with your university friends, and it also happened with people I've met online and mostly in real life, I have friends I made in the army and I am pretty sure next year I won't be talking to them, because of how the situation forces that, same with high-school or previous education, but also friends I've made later.
2 - Hobbies and interests! I made friends because I like video games (the flash game, MARDEK, DOTA), because I like programming and that other community that had a topic but still it is really weird, all related to my interests!

So, if tomorrow all my friends went away, how would I make friends? DOTA is a slow and hard way to make friends, but I think that could happen, and well, I'd find a job and probably maybe befriend people there (legally I can't right now!) and do courses related to things I like, also maybe find groups related to things I like, maybe some DOTA related event or whatever (DOTA is not very popular in Brazil but that does exist!).
But if that did not work out, I'd try to get into some new activity, one I plan on getting into but it is legally complicated is firearms and target shooting, and I am pretty sure I will make a few friends out of it.

So here is the thing Tobias, what do you like other than indie game developement? don't focus on your issues, very few people want to talk about issues and problems, try to have a good time and sort of forget about the issues maybe?

Anyway, you want online friends? in my experience only small groups works, your website is one! I did not make friends here, but I am pretty sure you did? it is small to the point you might be able to individually remember people, but big to the point you actually get to meet some new people! but I've been using Reddit for years and I've not made a single friend there, even in niche subs I'm active in.

Also important detail, social interaction is not the same as making friends! when I said older people I'm mostly talking about people I will talk to once or twice and not build a connection, but maybe learn something or just like pass time, random people on the street works for that! I misunderstood your goals, you want friends who you will talk for years, not just people to have social interaction with, my bad.

Tobias 1115~3Y

Ohhh, I'd been going to groups for things like hula hooping, crab fishing, and bear baiting - all of which I hate - and I was extremely confused about why I wasn't making friends at them!!

...By which I mean I did go to gatherings that were based around my interests. I know I was going on about my insecurities and general misery in this post, but you needn't patronise me. I mean I've existed for 33 years and I have a Psychology degree, so I'd like to think I'm not completely clueless about how people tick.

The problem though is that even though I make indie games, I don't actually have much interest in talking about or playing games with other people. I had a bunch of friends in school who mostly talked about games (and porn; they were teenage guys), and I got essentially nothing out of it. When they contacted me on weekends to spend time together, I'd always much rather just spend time alone, making stuff.

I used to be fairly active on an art site where other people who like making stuff congregated (deviantART), and I made a few friends there, including one who became my girlfriend. After she and I broke up, I continued to use it, but lightning didn't strike in the same place twice.

The most fulfilling connections I've had with people involved talking about our similar mental issues, which some people do want to do. I know I do, as do a lot of people who struggle with them every day, and the Psychology course was full of such people. Even on Fig Hunter, I was more interested in talking with people about their ~personality types~ and such than about my own games that they'd played.

The groups I went to before uni all revolved around that kind of thing in some way - anxiety groups, mindfulness meditation groups, etc - or creative things like art, but I live in a sleepy seaside village 'where old people go to die', not a highly populated city, so that's why most of the other members were old. Just unlucky circumstance.

As I said in the post, I'll be trying first to post in Reddit communities about social anxiety and indie games dev.

You're lucky to have found connections fairly easily wherever you've gone, though I suppose that's true for most people too. If you didn't check the link in the post to the r/socialanxiety subreddit, it might be worth skimming the latest thread titles to get an idea of the kinds of thoughts that make things that might be easy for you more difficult for me.

Ohhh, I'd been going to groups for things like hula hooping, crab fishing, and bear baiting - all of which I hate - and I was extremely confused about why I wasn't making friends at them!!

...By which I mean I /did/ go to gatherings that were based around my interests. I know I was going on about my insecurities and general misery in this post, but you needn't patronise me. I mean I've existed for 33 years and I have a Psychology degree, so I'd like to think I'm not /completely/ clueless about how people tick.

The problem though is that even though I make indie games, I don't actually have much interest in talking about or playing games with other people. I had a bunch of friends in school who mostly talked about games (and porn; they were teenage guys), and I got essentially nothing out of it. When they contacted me on weekends to spend time together, I'd always much rather just spend time alone, making stuff.

I used to be fairly active on an art site where other people who like making stuff congregated (deviantART), and I made a few friends there, including one who became my girlfriend. After she and I broke up, I continued to use it, but lightning didn't strike in the same place twice.

The most fulfilling connections I've had with people involved talking about our similar mental issues, which some people /do/ want to do. I know I do, as do a lot of people who struggle with them every day, and the Psychology course was full of such people. Even on Fig Hunter, I was more interested in talking with people about their ~personality types~ and such than about my own games that they'd played.

The groups I went to before uni all revolved around that kind of thing in some way - anxiety groups, mindfulness meditation groups, etc - or creative things like art, but I live in a sleepy seaside village 'where old people go to die', not a highly populated city, so that's why most of the other members were old. Just unlucky circumstance.

As I said in the post, I'll be trying first to post in Reddit communities about social anxiety and indie games dev.

You're lucky to have found connections fairly easily wherever you've gone, though I suppose that's true for most people too. If you didn't check the link in the post to the r/socialanxiety subreddit, it might be worth skimming the latest thread titles to get an idea of the kinds of thoughts that make things that might be easy for you more difficult for me.

phsc57~3Y

People don't use Reddit to make friends, people use Reddit to talk about their interests in a sort of anonymous way, the closest "social media" (or antisocial media as some call it) is 4chan after all, people are not there to make friends they just want to talk about something or see posts related to something, and even then, game dev is a topic one can talk about but it is very pragmatical, for one to truly make friends and have actual conversations it has to involve something rather specific, I think the only way you could truly make deeper connections with game developement would be developing a game with other people, which I would imagine is not something you would want to do.
And after using a subreddit about discussions for a topic like that for too long, you will realize basically all conversation topics keep repeating and it is rather boring, happens with everything that is not constantly updated by some external factor, not to mention actual reposts for karma or whatever.

And well, how are you going to overcome your anxiety other than... getting out of your comfort zone and talking to people? but then, you think using Reddit is going out of your comfort zone, so I don't really know.

Also you did not understand what I meant, people have their tastes, you surely do something other than gamedev and anxiety, did you ever try out things that when imagining you might not like? turns out that sometimes people actually like things they at first believed they would not like.

And well, how are you going to overcome your anxiety other than... getting out of your comfort zone and talking to people? but then, you think using Reddit is going out of your comfort zone, so I don't really know.

Also you did not understand what I meant, people have their tastes, you surely do something other than gamedev and anxiety, did you ever try out things that when imagining you might not like? turns out that sometimes people actually like things they at first believed they would not like.

Astreon152~3Y

Hula Hooping, you definitely need to try a hula hooping group again.

It's true they form quite a tight circle but once they let you enter the loop you don't regret it.

On the contrary i'd avise to not give crab fishing groups another try: there are too many emotional undercurrents involved and it'll leave you with a pinch in the heart.

purplerabbits147~3Y

As someone who took a blind plunge into doing something different, I'd say go for something since the dopamine from doing something new vastly helped me when I was in a slump. I joined a chat room on deviantart and that started my online foray into online friendships. My journey was quite a ride where I had some ugly crossings with narcissists and sjw's, but I also found some amazing people that I consider close friends. I even found got my first relationship online at the age of 26.

I remember a scene from the IronMan films where Tony Stark ignored Jarvis and just tried to fly. Jarvis was highly skeptical due to so many variables needed for calculating the possibility of flight. But Tony just took the plunge and found some sucess in flying and then faced near death due to icing from the low temperatures. Thankfully Tony ended up making it back home where he had Jarvis compile the data to better fly.

Taking the jump into something new can be scary with all the unknowns, but the fastest way of defeating those unknowns is to learn, make mistakes, and keep going. Learning from past mistakes and trauma is very helpful in determining if something is harmful or helpful to oneself. Sometimes there's an overcorrection to past incidences, but it is possible to learn to not panic.

I remember a scene from the IronMan films where Tony Stark ignored Jarvis and just tried to fly. Jarvis was highly skeptical due to so many variables needed for calculating the possibility of flight. But Tony just took the plunge and found some sucess in flying and then faced near death due to icing from the low temperatures. Thankfully Tony ended up making it back home where he had Jarvis compile the data to better fly.

Taking the jump into something new can be scary with all the unknowns, but the fastest way of defeating those unknowns is to learn, make mistakes, and keep going. Learning from past mistakes and trauma is very helpful in determining if something is harmful or helpful to oneself. Sometimes there's an overcorrection to past incidences, but it is possible to learn to not panic.

Wolf21~3Y

I got lucky in finding someone who accepts me for who I am and loves me despite my flaws and issues, so I find it's similar to a comment Bo Burnham made in an interview about fame / etc. about how it's stupid to take advice from someone who got lucky - like a lottery winner saying 'liquidise your assets, buy lottery tickets, it really works!', but some thing I've done to avoid some of the paralyzing fears that I used to have earlier in life *might* help you... In any case you have my sympathy and I really hope things get better for you - but having followed you for a long time I know there hasn't been much movement on that front. You're a lot more open about these things than you were when I joined Fighunter all those years ago, and I can only say that in itself is a form of progress.

I always make lists of things now, processes to go through step by step, because if I forget something that panic and shame rises and I feel like I'm taking a step back from any progress I've made in being confident and sociable (I have a job that relies on having at least some rapport with strangers, which is still extremely difficult). Very granular, process oriented tasks seem cathartic to me now, I do a fair bit of cooking and baking and it helps me in the same way I've heard that meditation works for others (but I've never had any luck with meditation myself).

Sharing interests can be a good foundation for relationships, but it doesn't have to be. Attitude and behaviour can be just as effective similarities to have with someone to forge a relationship. My partner and I had fairly few common interests when we met, and though through exposure we now share a lot of them (as we've adopted each others to a degree over time), it was our similar ways of expressing ourselves and being open to the thoughts, feelings, and passions of each other that lay the foundation for something.

For me, it was putting myself 'out there' that was always difficult. I was never very introspective and didn't understand why I did things in the way that I did, and I disliked myself for my flaws for a long time (some of which were treatable as mental illness after they were identified). I pushed myself in highschool to get into drama and acting (with help from my mum, who was a drama teacher) because being someone else was more attractive than my fear of public speaking or making a mistake. Practice meant I could pretend to be someone *anyone* would like, but it took me years to realise that I was just poisoning myself and becoming less as the mask I wore became more. I dreaded the thought of anyone getting to know me because I didn't really know who I was, and they might end up hating what I was deep down. I realised, after a very long time that the people I wanted to please, and wanted to like me were just as flawed in their own way - and I needed to be open an honest with those around me, and if they hated me I could examine why, and then make my own choices from there.

There's value in honesty, a lesson I think I learned from you. I know it's hard to pick yourself up, and every blow can leave you a little less than you were before, but you're still here, and you're still picking yourself up - and I admire you for it.

In more practical 'where to go from here' options I can only say that the more connections you make, the higher chance you'll have of meeting the right person or people. Maybe something like internet dating (on a more serious platform than something like tindr) might show some results? The anonymity can lessen the blow of rejection, but I don't think anything can prevent it completely.

It goes back to my process oriented task thing, but every time I check something off or I do something right I feel better about myself. I can and do succeed even if it's just a tiny step on a low priority task.

I hope you know that you have a few ardent fans who are wishing you all the best.

I always make lists of things now, processes to go through step by step, because if I forget something that panic and shame rises and I feel like I'm taking a step back from any progress I've made in being confident and sociable (I have a job that relies on having at least some rapport with strangers, which is still extremely difficult). Very granular, process oriented tasks seem cathartic to me now, I do a fair bit of cooking and baking and it helps me in the same way I've heard that meditation works for others (but I've never had any luck with meditation myself).

Sharing interests can be a good foundation for relationships, but it doesn't have to be. Attitude and behaviour can be just as effective similarities to have with someone to forge a relationship. My partner and I had fairly few common interests when we met, and though through exposure we now share a lot of them (as we've adopted each others to a degree over time), it was our similar ways of expressing ourselves and being open to the thoughts, feelings, and passions of each other that lay the foundation for something.

For me, it was putting myself 'out there' that was always difficult. I was never very introspective and didn't understand why I did things in the way that I did, and I disliked myself for my flaws for a long time (some of which were treatable as mental illness after they were identified). I pushed myself in highschool to get into drama and acting (with help from my mum, who was a drama teacher) because being someone else was more attractive than my fear of public speaking or  making a mistake. Practice meant I could pretend to be someone *anyone* would like, but it took me years to realise that I was just poisoning myself and becoming less as the mask I wore became more. I dreaded the thought of anyone getting to know me because I didn't really know who I was, and they might end up hating what I was deep down. I realised, after a very long time that the people I wanted to please, and wanted to like me were just as flawed in their own way - and I needed to be open an honest with those around me, and if they hated me I could examine why, and then make my own choices from there.

There's value in honesty, a lesson I think I learned from you. I know it's hard to pick yourself up, and every blow can leave you a little less than you were before, but you're still here, and you're still picking yourself up - and I admire you for it.

In more practical 'where to go from here' options I can only say that the more connections you make, the higher chance you'll have of meeting the right person or people. Maybe something like internet dating (on a more serious platform than something like  tindr) might show some results? The anonymity can lessen the blow of rejection, but I don't think anything can prevent it completely.

It goes back to my process oriented task thing, but every time I check something off or I do something right I feel better about myself. I can and do succeed even if it's just a tiny step on a low priority task.

I hope you know that you have a few ardent fans who are wishing you all the best.

LevProtter42~3Y

Been struggling with this a bit.
Not too much because of anxiety, which did reduce with a certain 'watershed' moment related to some pseudo spiritual searching.

I did meet a few friends through Dota, and maintain some mild contact with some high school friends (dorms helped).

Currently my isolation is due to a lack of will to engage with things, and it feels like there's some threshold related to pain avoidance I never get past.

Sometimes I wonder what a fulfilling relationship would even look like.

Sometimes I wish I could go on an extremely long walk without anything to worry about.

There's also the cold hard behavior angle, where you become your own tyrant, and modulate behavior and emotion. I guess the goal would be to incremental change the whole self-environment dynamic.

I have been part of a 'Zen' discord community that's mostly about DnD and music, where we do and can discuss mental stuff.

Some of the 'rationalist' communities I've seen discuss mental health fairly openly, and have 'friend finding' areas and such.

Been struggling with this a bit.
Not too much because of anxiety, which did reduce with a certain 'watershed' moment related to some pseudo spiritual searching.

I did meet a few friends through Dota, and maintain some mild contact with some high school friends (dorms helped).

Currently my isolation is due to a lack of will to engage with things, and it feels like there's some threshold related to pain avoidance I never get past.

Sometimes I wonder what a fulfilling relationship would even look like.

Sometimes I wish I could go on an extremely long walk without anything to worry about.

There's also the cold hard behavior angle, where you become your own tyrant, and modulate behavior and emotion. I guess the goal would be to incremental change the whole self-environment dynamic.

I have been part of a 'Zen' discord community that's mostly about DnD and music, where we do and can discuss mental stuff.

Some of the 'rationalist' communities I've seen discuss mental health fairly openly, and have 'friend finding' areas and such.

LightAcolyte22~3Y

I suppose I've read your content for years, but I do wonder how any of your readership is really different from said hypothetical "strangers who don't know anything about you." I have to wonder: what it is that you think we know about you as a person or are you instead referring to your Internet persona that we know and interact with here?

I attribute comments to you as though you are the creator of MARDEK and other content you post. Whether or not you actually are said creator, male, 33, have human parents or instead are actually a nonsexual bot created only a few years ago by aliens...your identity is nebulous at best. I care about the idea of you as a person, but in reality you are an Internet personality addressing the public and not me. You could be the only childhood friend of the actual creator who is now in a coma and you've assumed this person's identity for all I know. We have never had a single shared moment for me to come to know you, and to think that I do know you would in my mind be highly questionable as to my state of mind insofar as I know any public figure.

That said, I do have friends I've made online. I have met those people in person or I have had private conversations with them such that I do know them to a degree. While I am open to friendship with you, it's a one-way street to start: you've got all my contact information and I have no personal, non-professional (or perhaps non-hacker/non-stalker-ish) way to reach you, specifically, as far as I know...and for all you know, my identity here could likewise be some facsimile of someone else. I can only know of you secondhand at best via a public site, and vice-versa. Many masks can be worn even in private, even to oneself, to say nothing of the degrees of separation from your identity and that which is portrayed on a public site.

In any case, I could never honestly say I knew anything about you unless I could honestly say I also knew Queen Elizabeth or Mother Theresa. Though, I suppose some may get kicks out of saying they did and pretending just because they can. (smile)

I don't think I could ever be comfortable framing thoughts about what people do or do not "know" about me in terms of my public persona. So from my perspective, please feel free to make contact and form friendships with whomever you wish, and I recommend you not focus on what people may or may not know as you venture into this territory. I knew a friend was literally a murderer and convict (not "ex-convict" until after having served a just sentence), but I did not abandon him because I don't view friendship as something that can be abandoned. May you find people in your life who are willing to accept you for who you are, regardless of what they know, Tobias.

I attribute comments to you as though you are the creator of MARDEK and other content you post. Whether or not you actually are said creator, male, 33, have human parents or instead are actually a nonsexual bot created only a few years ago by aliens...your identity is nebulous at best. I care about the idea of you as a person, but in reality you are an Internet personality addressing the public and not me. You could be the only childhood friend of the actual creator who is now in a coma and you've assumed this person's identity for all I know. We have never had a single shared moment for me to come to know you, and to think that I do know you would in my mind be highly questionable as to my state of mind insofar as I know any public figure.

That said, I do have friends I've made online. I have met those people in person or I have had private conversations with them such that I do know them to a degree. While I am open to friendship with you, it's a one-way street to start: you've got all my contact information and I have no personal, non-professional (or perhaps non-hacker/non-stalker-ish) way to reach you, specifically, as far as I know...and for all you know, my identity here could likewise be some facsimile of someone else. I can only know of you secondhand at best via a public site, and vice-versa. Many masks can be worn even in private, even to oneself, to say nothing of the degrees of separation from your identity and that which is portrayed on a public site.

In any case, I could never honestly say I knew anything about you unless I could honestly say I also knew Queen Elizabeth or Mother Theresa. Though, I suppose some may get kicks out of saying they did and pretending just because they can. (smile)

I don't think I could ever be comfortable framing thoughts about what people do or do not "know" about me in terms of my public persona. So from my perspective, please feel free to make contact and form friendships with whomever you wish, and I recommend you not focus on what people may or may not know as you venture into this territory. I knew a friend was literally a murderer and convict (not "ex-convict" until after having served a just sentence), but I did not abandon him because I don't view friendship as something that can be abandoned. May you find people in your life who are willing to accept you for who you are, regardless of what they know, Tobias.