PERSONAL

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1,878

Stressful Break's Over

3 years ago1,258 words

So much for a productive and relaxing break!

I had a long list of things I wanted to do, like composing a piece of music and/or drawing every day, planning some ideas for new games (whether I actually ever make them or not), 'social' stuff like at the very least engaging with Reddit communities, replying to some messages, going in my own Discord for the first time in eons, etc...

I didn't do any of that!

Instead, I spent most of my time worrying about the 'hall' and the dog that I had to look after. Or it's more like... hm, I saw ∞ this on Reddit the other day ∞:



It's a tweet from someone with ADHD, which I (probably??) don't have, but there's a lot of overlap between mental disorders. My anxiety means that even tasks or appointments that objectively only take five minutes or less to complete will consume a whole day if they're unavoidable, because the whole time before them is spent in anxious anticipation about somehow missing it, regardless of how unlikely that is, and the whole time after it is spent in recovery mode after the toll the prolonged stress took.

So even though I had to do a paltry amount of 'work' - if unlocking doors and putting a handful of tables out or away would count as such - maintaining the hall, that still managed to consume way more of my mental energy and focus than it really should have.

Plus the dog - a shih tzu my parents inherited a few months ago when its elderly owner died - was also needy, either for food or attention, and I felt like I couldn't sit still for more than a few minutes without it pestering me in some way or another.

How could I possibly cope with life alone - or, god forbid, employment - if I'm so frazzled by even a tiny amount of responsibility?!?!?

...Or at least that's the way things were for the first week or so. After that I suppose I got into a routine, somewhat, and both I and the dog calmed down a bit. I suppose it's hardly surprising that going from one routine with minimal responsibility to one with even a slightly bit more - like going from lying in a hospital bed for months back to your job - would be a system shock, and there'd need to be an adjustment period. I hope that if I ever need to find a 'normal job', while it might be traumatic!! to transition to, eventually I'd just get used to it. Maybe.

(I still didn't achieve anything that second week though.)

I'd rather just keep making games, but I'm always seeing stuff that fills me with doubt about that ever working out... is how I was going to start talking about some r/gamedev (maybe?) thread I thought I'd saved the link to... But apparently I didn't, so I can't even remember what it said! Something like how someone hadn't done enough marketing and his game was a huge flop because of it? And how having 1000 Twitter followers and like 500 Discord members was the bare minimum!! amount of exposure you'd need to have any hope of financial success. Something like that. Hardly the first thing I've read - or written about - to that effect. Will having made MARDEK help at all? I always wonder. But I suppose I won't find out until I get to the promotion phase.

It's interesting, though. I have a friend who lives in some European country, and she recently told me about how the amount she's earning for a job she hates is less than I'm getting each month from Patreon and MARDEK sales (which haven't died down in many months). Mixed feelings there; gratitude for what I have, but also frustration and sadness that so many people toil through work they despise and they don't get paid as much as they really should for it. Though obviously relative cost of living is a huge factor, and she probably earns enough for her country while I still fall behind in mine. But it's such a weird amount that I'm earning, since it's lower than what I'd get for a full-time minimum wage job, probably, but much more than I'd get from benefits or 'jobseekers' allowance'.

Bleh. Even on my 'break' I can't help thinking about stuff like that. I still haven't moved out - obviously - and every time I think about it, I just start worrying about money, whether I could even afford it.



While just checking for the link I thought I'd saved somewhere, I did see that I'd saved ∞ this one ∞, which is a thread on the forums for the game Kingdom of Loathing - which I never played, but which was big around the time I was most active, so it's nostalgic to me - where they're talking about some drama involving the creator's abusive relationships or something, I don't know. I haven't exactly read it in much detail.

First thing I noticed: do people still actively use forums these days? Maybe they do. Maybe Fig Hunter Would still be active if I'd maintained it. I wonder.

Also, seems like every time I notice some old dev-type guy being mentioned, it's in relation to some historical sex abuse or something. Same story over and over, just different details. And - as I'm sure I've written about several times before - it always scares me, since my own past's hardly spotless (what with all those farmyard orgies I incessantly had during my glorious youth). Whose is, though? Who hasn't bummed a few reluctant goats one wild weekend or several?? I often wonder what skeletons lurk in the closets of those who most vocally condemn these ABSOLUTE MONSTERS!! Do most people live completely squeaky clean lives, completely free of sin? I'm sure they'd all be fair and perfect saints were they to find themselves with any admirers.

(Not to say I approve of whatever any of these people have done - I don't know the details - it's just the mounting of high horses that arouses me. I mean rouses me. Irks me. The farm's not even there anymore, don't worry about it.)



Well that was irrelevant. What else?

I'll need to get back to work tomorrow, try to get something done. I suspect that'll take time to get back into, too. I hoped I'd be coming back to it refreshed, but I felt more stressed during this 'break' than usual, so... well, we'll see. I'm eager to get to the point where I have some more up-to-date images and videos and stuff that I can use for wider promotion (seems pointless to update them now if they might change later, since it takes longer than you might think to make them).

I should also do some of the 'social' stuff I've been avoiding, over the coming days. Hmm.

Oh, I did finish Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, at least. I'll write a "short" post about that when I have the energy, whenever that might be. Then I'll need to start on something else. Always the hard part, making the decision about what new thing to play! So many options...