Alora Fane

I haven't updated this thing in a while. I'm not dead. Yet. Though I still often feel as if I'd rather be, or if I already am in some sense. I mourn the apparent death of my once vibrant and fulfilling creativity in particular. A shame about that. Anyway, in the last few weeks I've been depressed - as usual - though I've also had enough tastes of actual happiness to motivate me to seek out paths to a better place. I feel I've also come to some realisations about the root of most of my psychological problems. Now that I've finished the rather draining academic assignments that have been eating up almost all my time recently, I'd like to write about everything here for my own benefit; it does seem to help to get it all out.

On Creativity

I miss the days when I'd create for the sake of it; when I'd draw or compose or make games with eager enthusiasm, jumping out of bed in the morning to dive right in, sleeping late and reluctantly because I was so engrossed in giving my dreams some form.

I fear those days are gone... It's sad. If I ever try and draw or compose or work on my games these days, I'm immediately and weightily burdened by worries about what exactly to do, and whether I can even do it to an acceptable level of quality. It's no longer "I'll draw a dragon because I like dragons and it's fun!" or "I want to make a silly RPG so I will!" Instead, it's "do I know enough about dragon anatomy to draw them? I doubt it; I'll need to look at tutorials and do loads of sketches first. But what's the point anyway, it won't achieve anything in the long run?" or "this game will require a huge investment of time, it won't make me any money, and I bet people won't even like it. Will I get a girlfriend out of it somehow?"

Perhaps it's a matter of priorities. With a worrying brain tumour (I can't tell if it's getting worse or not), deep depression, and years of maddening isolation getting me down, it's hard to feel that making 'pointless distractions' is a worthwhile use of my time.

But I hope that this is just a phase. I used to think that I'd never have times where I'd have nothing to do because I'd always fill my time with creativity... I still hope I can get out of this rut and back to that again. I feel I need to get to a better place in life first though, find people to be with...

Friendship

I've written probably too much about my best/only friend here before, and I still haven't found anyone else. Ours isn't a relationship based entirely on fun and good times; my own moodiness brings us both down more often than I wish it did. It stems largely - I thought - from envious resentment; I see us as equals, yet our resources are far from equal, which gets to me. It's the concept of egoistic relative deprivation that I talked about before; we feel deprived if those closest to us have more, regardless of any objective fortune we may have compared to strangers. I've since realised that there's more to it than that, my moodiness I mean, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Though I see her often for lectures and things (or perhaps that should be 'saw'; our timetables will be different in the second semester, and that's worrying), that's rarely quality time, as we're out in public and can't really talk about most of the things I'd want to talk about. She's been coming to my room increasingly often over the last few weeks though, and we've been bonding more intimately. I don't mean anything beyond the boundaries defined by friendship, but we have been sharing thoughts and feelings, and I've been able to sate my ∞ oxytocin ∞ starvation to some degree.

The way in which we interact - and what I get out of it - makes me think about how much I prefer having a female friend compared to the male ones I've had in the past. I personally have little to no interest in sitting around playing games or engaging in other forms of entertainment or banter with others, but I get enormous satisfaction out of mutual self-disclosure and emotional bonding. I couldn't exactly cuddle with a male friend and tell him about my worries and fears while listening to his, reassuring him and telling him that I love him; it'd seem so inappropriate!

It's interesting doing a psychology course because the assignments I write are often relevant to my inner life and personal experiences. I just finished a Social Psychology one where I talked about my connection with my friend - the (non-romantic) attraction that drew us to each other in the first place, and the egoistic relative deprivation that makes our relationship so ambivalent for me - and while doing research for it, I read several papers that talked about the gender roles of self-disclosure. Women naturally self-disclose, and it's seen as unusual if they don't. But the inverse is true of men; they're actually seen as off-putting if they self-disclose to strangers. As with all things, there are always exceptions, but I think that does reflect our implicit understanding of how men and women are expected to behave.

I self-disclose readily and always have - as anyone who's ever read anything I've written would already know - and I relate more to typical feminine traits like sensitivity and softness than typical masculine ones like strength and toughness. It makes sense then that I'd be more drawn to female companionship... though studies also support the implicit notion that males with these traits aren't attractive as sexual partners because women are turned on by masculine traits. Hmm.

But I'm getting off-topic. The point is that I've been meeting up with my friend in my room recently and just talking for hours, or being with each other, and it's helped lift me out of the depths of my depression quite noticeably... while it lasts. I feel so much better when she's there, actually alive and like a real person rather than a shell of a thing as I usually do... but of course she isn't there very often. And there's always the feeling that I'm getting what I am from 'someone else's girlfriend'. Like I shouldn't; like I need to find my own. If only it was easy. Would anyone even want me anyway?

Which brings me to the realisations I've had about the root of my issues...

Undesirability

I envy my friend because she has a partner, who she's been with for years and seems to have a good relationship with that'll likely last. She's living with him now. There's a lot to envy.

I assumed that comparing what I have to that - the aforementioned egoistic relative deprivation - was the reason I was moody so often... And I'm sure it's definitely a factor. But when talking with her recently (or maybe I should say AT her; she's very patient and supportive with me, which I appreciate immensely), I realised that there's something deeper than that.

Essentially, I feel deep insecurities about being undesirable, unwanted. Everyone wants to be wanted in some form, I'd think, and to feel that you're not can wreak havoc on your sense of wellbeing.

It makes sense that I'd feel this way. My mother 'abandoned' my brothers and I when I was too little to remember it. I never saw it that way consciously at the time - it was all I knew, really - but having your maternal figure just disappear during your formative years is sure to have an enormous influence over how you turn out. It's probably why I have such a strong desire for tender loving care. I did eventually live with her when I was around 13, but I suppose by that point the damage had been done. My unemployed, mentally ill father had neglected us - he'd spend his dole money on alcohol, we'd go days without food - so that must have contributed to my feelings of unimportance or undesirability too. And my older brother beat and tormented me all the time. At school I was always an outsider, chosen last for groups and things like that. Academically and artistically brilliant, but such things only create more distance from others.

I also lost everyone I knew, twice, when moving countries, and endured quite a lot of abuse from lovely people on my Fig Hunter site... So there have been a lot of pushes in this same general direction. Of losing people, being disliked, unlikeable, neglected, left behind.

I've been moody more often than not this first semester. Last academic year, my friend and I would go out for a weekly walk on Wednesday evenings; as I could reliably look forward to it, it was the highlight of my week; a chance to bond with and learn about someone I found fascinating, and for me to simply enjoy human company.

At the start of this semester, though, she decided to spend Wednesday evenings instead going to a society with her boyfriend and his friends; I wrote about that in my previous post, I think. This got to me, and I assumed it was envy at her building connections while I didn't have the chance to.

But I think it's more about being dropped, abandoned, neglected. While she only gained from that, for me it was a loss, a hole; she chose them over me, and of course that triggered insecurities that I lack value or importance.

These same insecurities seem to taint most of my thoughts. I obsess over whether I matter to her, whether I have value, whether I'm important. I wonder whether such things would even matter to other people? If someone spends time with you, talks to you, then does the abstract idea of them 'valuing' you even make any difference? Probably not. And yet my own history of loss and neglect makes me focus on it neurotically.

The thought that I'm not anyone's 'most important person' is something that gets to me a lot. It feels as if most people would be the world to another, usually their partner. But for me, the only other person I know has someone more important than me. Again, that shouldn't be something that should matter, but it does affect me quite a bit.

I feel I could say a lot more about this - or should be more coherent - but my brain's feeling odd today (so of course I assume it's the tumour, even though it's likely just stress), so I'll leave it at just this. It does help to get it out though.

Speaking of which...

Counselling

I decided to see one of the university's counsellors a couple of weeks ago, as I do feel that talking can help.

Actually, as an aside, I recently learned that the term 'venting' - and the process itself, of speaking your mind with the aim of catharsis - originated in Freud's time due to the brain being compared to the technology of the time, which was steam-based. Steam engines and such had to vent their steam lest it build up and cause an explosion, so the same was assumed to be true of minds. These days it seems quaint to compare our sophisticated brains to steam engines... but I wonder whether the way we compare them to computers will seem similarly quaint in years to come. I'm not sure, from this, whether 'venting' in itself does help, or whether it's an antiquated idea... but even if the act of talking does little good, being heard does evoke feelings of being supported.

But anyway. I signed up for counselling, and went to see a counsellor... But if anything, it made me feel much worse! She was an older woman, my mother's age, and I got the feeling that she was quite out of touch with the thinking of the younger generations. Though her words suggested she was supportive, her nonverbal language screamed that she didn't like me, and... well, ugh.

She strongly and repeatedly suggested that I think in black and white 'like a child', that I probably have autism, that I should make friends with men and not women because women will only be repulsed by me, and that I lack emotional intelligence. I understand why she'd think those things based on talking to me in that setting for about an hour, but it's frustrating how we can be aware of the nuances that make us complicated, yet an outside observer sees only broad strokes that paint the wrong picture. Assumptions based on stereotypes and assumedly common connections and experiences (for example social awkward = autism, as if there's only one path that leads to that destination). Makes me reflect on how many people I must have hurt on my websites by making frustratingly incorrect assumptions in the same way. "You're probably choleric!" Ugh. Regret.

It also made me worried though that perhaps I come across that way to everyone; that I should just lock myself away and never interact with anyone again because nobody could possibly want me anyway. She concluded by saying - and I mean outright, not just implied - that I've been programmed wrong, but that my mental programming can change and I can become better. I know the purpose of any kind of mental health treatment is to do just that, but does it help to tell someone who's struggling that they're fundamentally broken but can be 'fixed' (and of course must be fixed before they'll be acceptable)? It just brings about a deep self-loathing and hopelessness; "there's clearly more wrong with me than right, I should just give up".

So that wasn't a pleasant experience. I did sign up for further sessions, but I haven't heard back from them yet. Hmm.

This led to a couple of interesting things though. One was that I told my friend about this in the privacy of my room, and she was immensely supportive and loving towards me. Told me she wanted me (non-romantically; it meant so much to hear it though), and that I didn't have to be change and was acceptable as I am. I do want to change, and grow, and improve. But being told that I don't have to allows me to build from a point of security; to build a tower up from a safe floor. Being told I'm essentially broken instead feels like having to climb up out of a pit; it becomes about trying to reach that safe floor, which is not a pleasant position to be in, mentally. My friend helped me much more than the counsellor did. So I felt fortunate to have her in my life.

I also called a suicide hotline. I don't know whether this happened before the counselling or after, actually, or before or after talking to my friend about all that. Hmm. The hotline is the Samaritans, and I've called them before, even tried volunteering before to the point where I showed up to a recruitment event and everything. It had been years since then, though, but I called them again out of desperation, just to feel like I was doing something instead of continuing to stagnate in this position...

It seems that a lot of volunteers with the Samaritans are older people; retired, often, volunteering just to have something to do. I wanted to call the local branch so then I might talk to people who'd be aware of options that might be available to me... but I couldn't get through, and was redirected to somewhere else in the country. I talked to an older-sounding woman who seemed bored, uninterested in what I was saying; at one point she asked "have you ever thought about taking your life?" (seems they all have to ask this) with as much concern as a distracted hairdresser making smalltalk. It wasn't a bad experience, but it wasn't ideal. So I called again, and was again redirected. This time, I spoke to an older man, who sounded surprisingly aggressive, but who turned out to have much more concern for my situation and I felt genuine empathy from him. He told me about a thing called Nightline, which is a Samaritans-like service run by universities...

Nightline

I'd vaguely heard of Nightline before, but I didn't know what it was; I thought it was something you could ring to ask about local pubs or talk about sex problems or something, based on what little I'd heard. So I'd never really investigated.

But it's a shame that I didn't earlier, since it seems to be exactly the sort of thing I'd want! It's a service run by and for students, which you can call just to talk about whatever's on your mind. So I did. It's all anonymous and confidential, as these things always are, so I don't know who it was that I spoke to, but she was extremely understanding and compassionate, much moreso than the Samaritans people or the counsellor. She made me feel like me and my problems actually mattered, and that felt... good.

More excitingly for me though is the though that I can actually volunteer with Nightline myself. Not only will I be able to help other people who call, but I'll be able to meet other volunteers who - for whatever reason - have decided to help out in this way too. It's set up like a society, it seems, and could very well be the answer to my 'which society is for me?' question that's left me lonely so far.

I can't volunteer until the end of January, but it gives me something to look forward to, at long last.

Speaking of volunteering though...

Employment

The counsellor suggested that I go and speak to an employability person in the same building I saw her in, so I made an appointment and everything...

I suppose there's little to say about how it went, but it did make me feel as if I'm finally on the path to getting a 'normal' job for the first time in my life. I need to make a CV (or resume, if you call them that) now; I've never done that before. She seemed to think that from my 'self-employed' work and excellent academic grades that I'd have more to offer than most, but I don't know; I'm worried about the necessary social elements (the feeling of being undesirable looms dark and tall), or about my games stuff counting for less than a job in McDonald's or something. Hmm.

I don't like the thought of working for someone else. It's something I've actively tried to avoid in the past. I don't mind working with others - though I wish I'd been able to find appropriate others when working on my games - but I suppose there'll always be some kind of superior... And I suppose few people like working for someone else, but it's just one of the many unpleasant things we all have to put up with to get by in the world. I need to stop hiding in my shell and hoping I can avoid all the aversive things that are out there.

I'd like to work a job where I can use my intelligence and don't have to interact with too many strangers; academic research seems like it could be okay. But I don't know whether I'll need to do 'entry-level' jobs like working in retail or catering before I seem sufficiently experienced to be considered for anything like that. I just don't know how any of this works, what my options are or anything. I'm just starting on this journey, I suppose.

There's a student volunteering service, so I'm going to look into that first. A lot of volunteering seems to be working with children, the elderly, or the homeless... and while I want to help people, I don't know if I'm a good enough person to be able to do work like that. There's this desire to work together with equals on some task that taps into the power of our minds... which giving sponge baths to old men wouldn't really satisfy. Hmm.

But we'll see. I don't mind doing things like picking rubbish up off beaches. I might even meet people through it.

Speaking of which...

Korea

This university offers an international summer school programme, where you can study for a few weeks in a foreign land during the summer break. My friend and I have applied for it!

Last year, someone from our course went on it, to Korea, and my friend saw her posts about it on Facebook and got envious, wished she could do such a thing herself... if only she wasn't so anxious. So she asked me if I'd want to come with her, and I didn't even have to think about it; if I wasn't going alone, then of course I'd want to! It seems like it'd be a wonderful experience; a great chance to grow as a person.

But apparently you have to have an interview to determine whether you're right for it, and I've been worried about that.

I wonder whether they'll be looking for bubbly, enthusiastic go-getters; the sorts of people who've been actively involved in all kinds of extracurricular things. I'm obviously not one of those. I'd instead talk about how I want to go because I've always been sheltered, and because I want to move beyond that, to grow, to have the sort of experience that will get me out of my shell and hopefully allow me to develop skills that will allow me to put my academic abilities to good use (because currently it feels like even if I'm at the top of the class, I might be unable to apply what I can do if I can't interact with other people). I'd probably have a bit of a sob story rather than one of bouncy excitement, and I just wonder whether I'd be accepted for that or not. Hmm.

The interviews are going to be in groups though, which is a concern. I don't know what to expect. I can't work well in groups! Or I mean it depends on what the others in the group are like... I was looking forward to at least being in a group with my friend... but she told me she'd rather be in a different group interview to me because she'd be reluctant to speak up if I was present. I understand, but it's painful; triggers the feelings of rejection and undesirability, and I feel I've lost a safety net. I also worry that only one of us will be accepted - probably her - and then she'll have yet another thing I envy, she'll meet loads of new people, and I'll just...

But I shouldn't think about it like that, so negatively. I'll just have to prepare as best I can so then I'll be accepted. I know little about Korea (I'd rather go to Japan, but Korea was the only option), so I'll need to do quite a bit of research about it...

Christmas Jollity

I think I've covered everything that I wanted to here. It's the Christmas break now, and while it's supposed to be a break, I feel that I've got more to be stressed about than usual... I need to prepare for the exams in January, write a CV, look for volunteering, learn about Korea...

And I'll be spending two or three weeks alone. Christmas alone, as usual. It'll certainly be a test of my psychological fortitude. (Hmm, I was going to meditate this morning; forgot about that....)

I've been playing games more often than usual recently (normally I don't play them at all), so that's a minor relief at least. Pokemon! I've been playing a lot of Sun. Interesting that I didn't think to mention that until just now. I suppose I don't get much out of talking about games though. Odd, since I've devoted so much of my life to making them.

Anyway, I'll shut up now. There are things to look forward to for once, but also a lot to stress about. I'll just try to use my time wisely over these coming weeks; to use the isolation to prepare for what's to come.