Alora Fane

I haven't written a personal post in a while, so here's some rambling about a cold I have, my fruitful efforts to break through my reluctance to use Reddit, friendship and relative loneliness, and buying Lego to rekindle childhood joy!

I'm annoyingly ill today! It doesn't seem to be anything concerning - like COVID - just a common cold or the flu or something, which'll be insignificant in the long run, but it's still an obnoxious thing to have to deal with in the moment. My nose is like a leaky tap, I feel generally sore and lousy, and I barely slept last night. Bleh!

I used to write personal posts on this blog all the time, but got out of the habit, I suppose. Partly because I wonder how many people even read them, but mostly just due to lack of energy due to depression, or whatever it is that's responsible for me feeling so crappy much of the time. I'll probably see a doctor about it early next year, if I can even get an appointment. It could be due to something easily fixable like a vitamin deficiency - I never go out and my diet leaves a lot to be desired, so that wouldn't be hugely surprising - or maybe it's just the result of something more deep-rooted and pervasive, like the social isolation.

I've talked before about being fearful about posting on Reddit, thanks to the trauma of running Fig Hunter and my other communities in the past. How I kept meaning to get around to pushing through that, in the hope that it might be a small step towards breaking out of that isolation, but never did.

Well, I have now! I've posted a handful of times on Reddit, wow, gasp! What an achievement! I should get a medal for sure for this simple thing everyone else does casually and for fun.

It's been an anxiety-inducing process for me, though already I feel like not being met with the horribly hostile response my lower mind dreaded has alleviated a lot of the aversion. Hopefully. Perhaps soon it'll be something I can do without any worry at all.

I've mostly been lurking and posting in r/socialanxiety, where a lot of people speak of issues I can relate to... and a lot don't; they seem way more well-adjusted than I've ever been - they have partners, jobs, cars, etc - and their interests and manner of communication make me feel like I don't belong. A lot of them sound like they regularly encounter people, but struggle to say much because they believe they're boring, or anxiety silences them. So different to my primary issue of literally not having people around me who I could even consider interacting with.

Still, I've been trying to engage where I can.

A lot of them talk about being friendless, wondering how they can find people. There are subreddits, like r/needafriend, for that specific purpose. Lots of vapid announcements of availability; "hey i need someone to talk to, anyone interested?", with zero information beyond that. Are you a 14-year-old girl? A 50-year-old man? A cashier? A doctor? A prisoner? Surely details are relevant? I can't help but wonder how many of these completely open, no-detail "talk to me please!" calls ever actually lead to anything meaningful. That's not how friendships organically form.

Which is something that got me down for a day or two. I'd like to find people - I've been wanting to for years - but I believe that's no way to do it, so I haven't even tried.

But I also feel like I'm less unfortunate than some of the people, which is a strange thought. There are guys my age or older who've never had a partner; at least I had that experience, once. Many people with zero friends, or no close confidants at least, while I've at least maybe got a couple, even if we rarely actually talk.

One of them is a girl/woman (both words feel weird to me, as does thinking of myself as a 'man' rather than a 'guy') who I met in my third year of uni, who I've talked about in this blog a few times before. We get along well! We did some video calls a while back. We meant to do more, but anxiety - mine and hers - kept getting in the way so we just... didn't.

Recently, we exchanged some texts where I felt like she'd grown tired of me for not trying hard enough to overcome my social anxiety, while she's making great efforts to overcome her own. I can imagine how that'd be frustrating. And I have such a negative self image these days that my reaction was less "how dare you not appreciate me!" and more "yes, I'm a terrible person and you'd be better off if you cut me out". What a great mental place to be.

Anyway, we decided to try another video call, and I pushed through my anxiety to do that yesterday. And I'm very glad I did! She seems to genuinely care about me, to my bafflement, and we have a lot in common, and could talk freely and fluently with a lot of mutual understanding. I felt so much better after just a taste of social contact (well, apart from the horrible cold or flu or whatever), which is hardly the first time I've had this revelation.

We decided to do a weekly call. Probably all I can endure, for now. And maybe that and posting on Reddit will become second nature rather than these terrible, terrifying things within a few weeks and I can break out of my self-made cocoon. Baby steps. You can't just leap over a big barrier in one leap. You have to take your time building a ladder. Or something.

It'll be Christmas soon; I'll write about that more on the day. Last week, YouTube's algorithm started showing me videos about Lego ("Top 10 Controversial Lego Sets", that kind of thing), my obsession with which used to define my Christmases as a child, before video games took over.

Around a decade ago, I tried to rekindle that childhood joy by buying a couple of Lego sets, and I decided to try it again this year. I'll be spending Christmas alone anyway - by choice - and having something that sparks this nostalgic, childlike wonder might at least take the edge off the isolation. Maybe.

It's so expensive, though! And Lego sets have such short lifespans that many are only widely available at their intended price for about a year or so. If you want to find something that was released a few years ago, there's the adult-fan-created marketplace ∞ BrickLink ∞, which seems to have been acquired by Lego officially since I last used it many years ago. It's great, though the prices are high and the international delivery times slow, managed as they are by individuals rather than a well-oiled business machine. I ordered something a couple of weeks ago, which hasn't arrived yet. Though there's pleasure in the anticipation, I suppose!

I also looked at stuff currently in production and officially on sale, and liked the look of this model of Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix, since it felt more like a decorative model and less like a child's toy. I'm not really interested in completely regressing to the point of "neeeeooowww!"ing some spaceship around or whatever! Plus I never had any Harry Potter lego since it - like most of the licensed themes - came after I grew out of it. It's been 20 years since the first Harry Potter film, apparently. Strange thought!

Anyway, though that's not been discontinued, it's out of stock on the Lego site and the convenient shops I checked, and the other options required paying £20+ above the retail price. Which I did because I am a fool. Pfft! Oh well, it's not like I buy things very often.

(I still haven't bought a computer...)

There are a bunch of sets specifically aimed at adults that come up if you check the main Lego site - I wonder whether it's mostly adults who like Lego these days, if children are too busy with video games; the ∞ best sellers listing ∞ suggests this might be the case - but their prices are way more exorbitant than I'm willing to pay. And they're mostly things, buildings and vehicles; I chose Fawkes because it's an animal, which I prefer!

I finished replaying Memody: Sindrel Song this week, and I've mostly finished Pokemon: Brilliant Diamond, except for some endgame stuff. I'd like to write about them, but it's difficult to summon up the motivation!

Ugh... I really hope I can do something as part of my New Year's Resolutions to address this constant fatigue... Or maybe it's just an unavoidable part of getting older? Or a side effect from my brain cancer and the treatment for it? An important gland has probably been carved out, after all. I don't know. I'll need to talk to someone more informed about it.

How are you all doing??

12 COMMENTS

kalkra19~3Y

I always want to reply something to these posts, but rarely think of anything at all useful or interesting to say, so I almost never actually end up posting anything, but I guess this time I will.

Behold, for I have posted.

Also, I like LEGO, and I don't see any problem with an adult man "neeeeooowww!"ing some spaceship around, but then again I've never been good at the whole "Normal People" thing.

Tobias 1115~3Y

Hello, and I appreciate you commenting!

I don't have an issue with playing with toys as toys at any age - and I think it's a shame anyone should feel they can't do that once they reach a certain age - but I always anticipate negative reactions and try to preempt them, or something!

ElektrikMagenta20~3Y

Vitamin deficiency is a real possibility. I doubt it would be some miracle cure to make you feel better all the time, but people underestimate how crummy a lack of vitamin D can make you feel.

Really glad to hear you've pushed through some social barriers lately!

Tobias 1115~3Y

I suspected it might be a vitamin D deficiency - I never go out after all, and even if I did I live in the UK, which isn't exactly a tropical paradise - so I've been taking vitamin D supplements lately. They're 1000 IU, though, and I saw someone saying that after being diagnosed with a deficiency, they were taking something ridiculous like 30000 IU per day, which is quite a bit more!

So I plan to ask a doctor about it, but it's apparently tricky to get an appointment at the moment. I really wish we could just use our phones to scan ourselves to see our current Nutrient Stats!

phsc57~3Y

I find these posts interesting, because you talk about issues that most people are not comfortable talking about or putting it out, at least I am unable to do such, mostly in a public place known as the internet, I mean I think Google can find this right? maybe some archiving website will get this and in 20 years well who knows, I wouldn't do it but I actually think it is funny how you have the balls to do it.

Anyway, quite a while ago I told you that well, people don't go on Reddit to make friends, my Reddit account turned 5 years old a few days ago and I am still yet to make a friend, and in the past I did browse subreddits related to making friends and such and to this day I only got a message from a single person who was interested in my movie taste, we talked a bit, the conversation ended and none of us decided to message each other in the future, this was a few years ago.
Also one thing about r/socialanxiety, see, I am pretty sure most people who are on any subreddit about something that you well, should be diagnosed with, probably are not, Reddit has a lot of young users these days and a lot of not so smart people who think that having any anxiety related to like something that naturally makes people anxious, wow a smoking hot girl! I want to talk to her but what if she is not interested in me? I have a fear that socially is presented in a lot of movies, series and culture as a whole... hmmm I must have social anxiety.
But a lot of people do have it, anyway no subreddit is perfect.
Also about the friend subreddits, see a lot of people are either very young or actually straight up socially awkward because of the lack of like experience, literally, so that is why they are so weird and not... natural in how they want to make friends, to be expected, right?

Anyway about friends, there is a thing I find funny and sort of understand, you do have this website, with a ton of people who constantly comment and such, why not befriend them? they are your fans of course but naturally I'd expect the really toxic people to be gone.

Also something I kind of think about this place and such, you generally don't take criticism that well right? well, I feel like this website and such kind of breeds... toxic positivity you know? not in the common sense but I think getting more harsh responses is often very healthy, because like people don't hate on things for no reason (generally), often they really think something is stupid, and sometimes even these people have a point, people don't get mad for no reason right? I just want to know what you think of this as a whole you know.

Anyway, Lego is fun, I'd like to collect some, mostly Star Wars ones, I think these are really cool, I still even have some from my childhood, basically intact because I always took care of them, it is funny I still have my old toys around, which is good, because well, I live in Brazil, and this country is a shithole, and sometimes I think you focus on things in a bit of an awkward way right? I mean you complain about your stepfather and such like, making you take care of the dog, I saw that in another post, did you try to like, have a good time even in a bad situation? like try to look at it, like you seemed annoyed at the dog, I don't get that, I really like animals because they seem pure to me, they don't really think and well, I think I have trust issues, and it really helps, they can build some really deep bonds and I find that fascinating, I don't know, try to enjoy taking care of the dog??? like, you say things in a way it makes me think you don't really like your stepfather and such but well, they still give you a place to live and support you financially to an extent, right? I have many friends who do not have such luxury, for some really stupid reasons, hell I have friends with abusive parents who have demanded that their kids would support them, not cool, this mixed with the fact Brazil is a shithole of a country, I even have some weird local alternative Lego competitor stuff that I am pretty sure is super underground and I think it is interesting, my memories being related to that under this specific situation, makes me feel some weird Blade Runner capitalism-feeling-memory thing??? not like it is inherent to capitalism but anyway. At least you can survive and do what you enjoy daily, I think you know this, but try to remember this more? like I did military service, and a lot of it sucks, straight up sucks, but you start to value the really small things you have in life, because turns out, all of this like, civility and modernity that is around us all the time is so... fragile, it can go away in an instant, even the most basic things, hygiene, food, it can just go away, and getting it back up is kind of really hard, I think this really helped me enjoy life as a whole more, but it also shows how often things like money matter little, because just like how the concrete buildigns that surrounds us that seem quite modern and safe actually are not, the systems that run civilization also are quite fragile.

And well, there is a thing I always felt like sharing, but it is quite common sense and quite backed by research that well, eating well, exercising, all that stuff that like, you as a human are sort of supposed to do, helps with things as a whole right, enjoying life and such, did you ever try things such as dopamine detoxication? do you have a naturally good sleep cycle? like all that circadian rhythm stuff, I think neuroscience is really interesting when applied, maybe that could help you in some way? did you at least ever try this kind of thing out? even if you dislike it, the simple fact you don't want to do something you dislike that is probably healthy for you might mean you have your dopamine receptors a bit too spoiled right?

Anyway, quite a while ago I told you that well, people don't go on Reddit to make friends, my Reddit account turned 5 years old a few days ago and I am still yet to make a friend, and in the past I did browse subreddits related to making friends and such and to this day I only got a message from a single person who was interested in my movie taste, we talked a bit, the conversation ended and none of us decided to message each other in the future, this was a few years ago.
Also one thing about r/socialanxiety, see, I am pretty sure most people who are on any subreddit about something that you well, should be diagnosed with, probably are not, Reddit has a lot of young users these days and a lot of not so smart people who think that having any anxiety related to like something that naturally makes people anxious, wow a smoking hot girl! I want to talk to her but what if she is not interested in me? I have a fear that socially is presented in a lot of movies, series and culture as a whole... hmmm I must have social anxiety.
But a lot of people do have it, anyway no subreddit is perfect.
Also about the friend subreddits, see a lot of people are either very young or actually straight up socially awkward because of the lack of like experience, literally, so that is why they are so weird and not... natural in how they want to make friends, to be expected, right?

Anyway about friends, there is a thing I find funny and sort of understand, you do have this website, with a ton of people who constantly comment and such, why not befriend them? they are your fans of course but naturally I'd expect the really toxic people to be gone.

Also something I kind of think about this place and such, you generally don't take criticism that well right? well, I feel like this website and such kind of breeds... toxic positivity you know? not in the common sense but I think getting more harsh responses is often very healthy, because like people don't hate on things for no reason (generally), often they really think something is stupid, and sometimes even these people have a point, people don't get mad for no reason right? I just want to know what you think of this as a whole you know.

Anyway, Lego is fun, I'd like to collect some, mostly Star Wars ones, I think these are really cool, I still even have some from my childhood, basically intact because I always took care of them, it is funny I still have my old toys around, which is good, because well, I live in Brazil, and this country is a shithole, and sometimes I think you focus on things in a bit of an awkward way right? I mean you complain about your stepfather and such like, making you take care of the dog, I saw that in another post, did you try to like, have a good time even in a bad situation? like try to look at it, like you seemed annoyed at the dog, I don't get that, I really like animals because they seem pure to me, they don't really think and well, I think I have trust issues, and it really helps, they can build some really deep bonds and I find that fascinating, I don't know, try to enjoy taking care of the dog??? like, you say things in a way it makes me think you don't really like your stepfather and such but well, they still give you a place to live and support you financially to an extent, right? I have many friends who do not have such luxury, for some really stupid reasons, hell I have friends with abusive parents who have demanded that their kids would support them, not cool, this mixed with the fact Brazil is a shithole of a country, I even have some weird local alternative Lego competitor stuff that I am pretty sure is super underground and I think it is interesting, my memories being related to that under this specific situation, makes me feel some weird Blade Runner capitalism-feeling-memory thing??? not like it is inherent to capitalism but anyway. At least you can survive and do what you enjoy daily, I think you know this, but try to remember this more? like I did military service, and a lot of it sucks, straight up sucks, but you start to value the really small things you have in life, because turns out, all of this like, civility and modernity that is around us all the time is so... fragile, it can go away in an instant, even the most basic things, hygiene, food, it can just go away, and getting it back up is kind of really hard, I think this really helped me enjoy life as a whole more, but it also shows how often things like money matter little, because just like how the concrete buildigns that surrounds us that seem quite modern and safe actually are not, the systems that run civilization also are quite fragile.

And well, there is a thing I always felt like sharing, but it is quite common sense and quite backed by research that well, eating well, exercising, all that stuff that like, you as a human are sort of supposed to do, helps with things as a whole right, enjoying life and such, did you ever try things such as dopamine detoxication? do you have a naturally good sleep cycle? like all that circadian rhythm stuff, I think neuroscience is really interesting when applied, maybe that could help you in some way? did you at least ever try this kind of thing out? even if you dislike it, the simple fact you don't want to do something you dislike that is probably healthy for you might mean you have your dopamine receptors a bit too spoiled right?

LotBlind53~3Y

You know J.K. Rowling is a TERF, right? I'm not here to knock on your choices (I'm really not), just FYI the Mother of the Boy Who Lived turned insane in case you hadn't been following that particular thread in the past several years. Dunno how much money she gets for each HP-related purchase.

Tobias 1115~3Y

All I can really say to that is that people disowning the creations of people due to extremist interpretations of their statements is one of the most concerning aspects of our current world for me as a creator...

LotBlind53~3Y

Do you mean she's not been done right by those calling her that? Or that you're worried you might be found by someone more extreme (or whatever) than you mean to be in some views?

It seems to me even a slight case of something morally questionable from someone so prominent can only be responded to in a more cautious way. I guess it's an inevitable and necessary concomitant of fame.

Also what exactly do we mean by "disowning"? For me, stopping to feed hateful hands (I think she's badly traumatized isn't she?) is enough. So for me, you can more or less guilt-free buy a book second-hand or something.

Tobias 1115~3Y

My understanding of the gist of that situation is that she's basically said women who might have negative reactions to seeing a penis due to past trauma should have a space where they're guaranteed not to see one, where they can feel comfortable, and it's been interpreted as her 'literally killing' transpeople (some of who, based on tweets I've seen, have said many, many worse things about what they'd like to do to her).

It's something that concerns me because of how volatile the current political climate has become; saying something even relatively innocuous or entirely sensible that clashes with some of the extremist beliefs championed by a loud minority sets off some kind of nuclear reaction.

I keep wanting to write about it because even though I don't care about political stuff, I find the psychology interesting - and in some cases baffling or concerning - but I'm afraid that if I even try to I'll just end up losing all my Patreon supporters and being marked as an enemy or something.

I mean it's hardly comparable to the JK Rowling situation since she's one of the most famous people on the planet and I'm not, but I'm still dependent on keeping fans happy to make a living, so it's something I have to think about.

It's something that concerns me because of how volatile the current political climate has become; saying something even relatively innocuous or entirely sensible that clashes with some of the extremist beliefs championed by a loud minority sets off some kind of nuclear reaction.

I keep wanting to write about it because even though I don't care about political stuff, I find the psychology interesting - and in some cases baffling or concerning - but I'm afraid that if I even try to I'll just end up losing all my Patreon supporters and being marked as an enemy or something.

I mean it's hardly comparable to the JK Rowling situation since she's one of the most famous people on the planet and I'm not, but I'm still dependent on keeping fans happy to make a living, so it's something I have to think about.

LotBlind53~3Y

What's reasonable to cater for people with traumas, I suppose, is a similarly intricate question as with disabilities of all sorts. What's clear is some people take their avoidance much further than is in their own best interests, and of course we have to take both points of view into account (just cause you have a penis should mean what exactly?).

Aside from that, that's by far not the only thing she's said about trans-women!

[LINK]

That's the latest one. It's not even hugely important IMO. (How the police in Scotland log rape crimes). It's just so asinine, a complete refusal to see any aspect of trans-womanhood as unmotivated by evil in almost all cases (the idea is any old Joe will happily go through surgical operations just to get a better chance at ogling at or raping women... does that sound level-headed?. Of course it can get overly emotional for those who feel oppressed as well, so not all their arguments may be valid either, but I think this is by and large a similar issue as how gay people were thought of as sinners and god-knows-what once. And anti-trans stuff is surging in the UK and US and probably other places too recently, so high time to find out something about it.

The problem is the ones who identify as trans (especially women) that you watch on YouTube sound like they're being repressed in a very basic way: a massive amount of disinformation and misunderstandings are out there, as it seems, starting from what it even requires to compete as a trans-woman... but there's also misrepresentations of biology that try to erase all differences. So actually cis-women could stand faced with real trouble if the rules get too lax (or even if they don't).

Most of my information comes from this seemingly unbiased take on the Trans-athletes question if you're interested: [LINK]

And I also read this one: [LINK]@transphilosophr/why-its-fair-for-trans-athletes-to-compete-against-women-bb7a45ef1b42

Sports aside, it goes much deeper than that. JK is going far too far. Anyway, I trust you'll get better-versed than me in all this in a day if you think that's productive for you.

Aside from that, that's by far not the only thing she's said about trans-women!

https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/1470092815506063365?s=20

That's the latest one. It's not even hugely important IMO. (How the police in Scotland log rape crimes). It's just so asinine, a complete refusal to see any aspect of trans-womanhood as unmotivated by evil in almost all cases (the idea is any old Joe will happily go through surgical operations just to get a better chance at ogling at or raping women... does that sound level-headed?. Of course it can get overly emotional for those who feel oppressed as well, so not all their arguments may be valid either, but I think this is by and large a similar issue as how gay people were thought of as sinners and god-knows-what once. And anti-trans stuff is surging in the UK and US and probably other places too recently, so high time to find out something about it.

The problem is the ones who identify as trans (especially women) that you watch on YouTube sound like they're being repressed in a very basic way: a massive amount of disinformation and misunderstandings are out there, as it seems, starting from what it even requires to compete as a trans-woman... but there's also misrepresentations of biology that try to erase all differences. So actually cis-women could stand faced with real trouble if the rules get too lax (or even if they don't).

Most of my information comes from this seemingly unbiased take on the Trans-athletes question if you're interested: https://sportsscientists.com/2019/03/on-transgender-athletes-and-performance-advantages/

And I also read this one: https://medium.com/@transphilosophr/why-its-fair-for-trans-athletes-to-compete-against-women-bb7a45ef1b42

Sports aside, it goes much deeper than that. JK is going far too far. Anyway, I trust you'll get better-versed than me in all this in a day if you think that's productive for you.

LotBlind53~3Y

I found this trans-woman's take on TERFism that acts as an introduction. A large part of my trans-knowledge comes from several trans-women on YouTube who mostly weren't transitioned when I started to watch, so they certainly get a first-hand experience of what life's like before and after.

[LINK]

(Those women I'm talking about, aside from Jessie, are Abigail from Philosophy Tube and Jim Stephanie Sterling of the Jimquisition, who's intersex or something.)

LevProtter42~3Y

Legos are awesome.
As kids, my sister and I had quite a lot of them, and we quickly moved from the 'lego sets' thing, to full on 'creative mode' storytelling driven play.

I like to think that whatever fun 'kids these days' may be missing by not playing with Lego, is more than compensated for by the accessibility of minecraft (Price being the main factor).
Cheers.