PERSONAL

12

1,682

Illness, Reddit, Friendship, Lego

3 years ago1,543 words

I haven't written a personal post in a while, so here's some rambling about a cold I have, my fruitful efforts to break through my reluctance to use Reddit, friendship and relative loneliness, and buying Lego to rekindle childhood joy!

I'm annoyingly ill today! It doesn't seem to be anything concerning - like COVID - just a common cold or the flu or something, which'll be insignificant in the long run, but it's still an obnoxious thing to have to deal with in the moment. My nose is like a leaky tap, I feel generally sore and lousy, and I barely slept last night. Bleh!

I used to write personal posts on this blog all the time, but got out of the habit, I suppose. Partly because I wonder how many people even read them, but mostly just due to lack of energy due to depression, or whatever it is that's responsible for me feeling so crappy much of the time. I'll probably see a doctor about it early next year, if I can even get an appointment. It could be due to something easily fixable like a vitamin deficiency - I never go out and my diet leaves a lot to be desired, so that wouldn't be hugely surprising - or maybe it's just the result of something more deep-rooted and pervasive, like the social isolation.

I've talked before about being fearful about posting on Reddit, thanks to the trauma of running Fig Hunter and my other communities in the past. How I kept meaning to get around to pushing through that, in the hope that it might be a small step towards breaking out of that isolation, but never did.

Well, I have now! I've posted a handful of times on Reddit, wow, gasp! What an achievement! I should get a medal for sure for this simple thing everyone else does casually and for fun.

It's been an anxiety-inducing process for me, though already I feel like not being met with the horribly hostile response my lower mind dreaded has alleviated a lot of the aversion. Hopefully. Perhaps soon it'll be something I can do without any worry at all.

I've mostly been lurking and posting in r/socialanxiety, where a lot of people speak of issues I can relate to... and a lot don't; they seem way more well-adjusted than I've ever been - they have partners, jobs, cars, etc - and their interests and manner of communication make me feel like I don't belong. A lot of them sound like they regularly encounter people, but struggle to say much because they believe they're boring, or anxiety silences them. So different to my primary issue of literally not having people around me who I could even consider interacting with.

Still, I've been trying to engage where I can.

A lot of them talk about being friendless, wondering how they can find people. There are subreddits, like r/needafriend, for that specific purpose. Lots of vapid announcements of availability; "hey i need someone to talk to, anyone interested?", with zero information beyond that. Are you a 14-year-old girl? A 50-year-old man? A cashier? A doctor? A prisoner? Surely details are relevant? I can't help but wonder how many of these completely open, no-detail "talk to me please!" calls ever actually lead to anything meaningful. That's not how friendships organically form.

Which is something that got me down for a day or two. I'd like to find people - I've been wanting to for years - but I believe that's no way to do it, so I haven't even tried.

But I also feel like I'm less unfortunate than some of the people, which is a strange thought. There are guys my age or older who've never had a partner; at least I had that experience, once. Many people with zero friends, or no close confidants at least, while I've at least maybe got a couple, even if we rarely actually talk.

One of them is a girl/woman (both words feel weird to me, as does thinking of myself as a 'man' rather than a 'guy') who I met in my third year of uni, who I've talked about in this blog a few times before. We get along well! We did some video calls a while back. We meant to do more, but anxiety - mine and hers - kept getting in the way so we just... didn't.

Recently, we exchanged some texts where I felt like she'd grown tired of me for not trying hard enough to overcome my social anxiety, while she's making great efforts to overcome her own. I can imagine how that'd be frustrating. And I have such a negative self image these days that my reaction was less "how dare you not appreciate me!" and more "yes, I'm a terrible person and you'd be better off if you cut me out". What a great mental place to be.

Anyway, we decided to try another video call, and I pushed through my anxiety to do that yesterday. And I'm very glad I did! She seems to genuinely care about me, to my bafflement, and we have a lot in common, and could talk freely and fluently with a lot of mutual understanding. I felt so much better after just a taste of social contact (well, apart from the horrible cold or flu or whatever), which is hardly the first time I've had this revelation.

We decided to do a weekly call. Probably all I can endure, for now. And maybe that and posting on Reddit will become second nature rather than these terrible, terrifying things within a few weeks and I can break out of my self-made cocoon. Baby steps. You can't just leap over a big barrier in one leap. You have to take your time building a ladder. Or something.



It'll be Christmas soon; I'll write about that more on the day. Last week, YouTube's algorithm started showing me videos about Lego ("Top 10 Controversial Lego Sets", that kind of thing), my obsession with which used to define my Christmases as a child, before video games took over.

Around a decade ago, I tried to rekindle that childhood joy by buying a couple of Lego sets, and I decided to try it again this year. I'll be spending Christmas alone anyway - by choice - and having something that sparks this nostalgic, childlike wonder might at least take the edge off the isolation. Maybe.

It's so expensive, though! And Lego sets have such short lifespans that many are only widely available at their intended price for about a year or so. If you want to find something that was released a few years ago, there's the adult-fan-created marketplace ∞ BrickLink ∞, which seems to have been acquired by Lego officially since I last used it many years ago. It's great, though the prices are high and the international delivery times slow, managed as they are by individuals rather than a well-oiled business machine. I ordered something a couple of weeks ago, which hasn't arrived yet. Though there's pleasure in the anticipation, I suppose!



I also looked at stuff currently in production and officially on sale, and liked the look of this model of Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix, since it felt more like a decorative model and less like a child's toy. I'm not really interested in completely regressing to the point of "neeeeooowww!"ing some spaceship around or whatever! Plus I never had any Harry Potter lego since it - like most of the licensed themes - came after I grew out of it. It's been 20 years since the first Harry Potter film, apparently. Strange thought!

Anyway, though that's not been discontinued, it's out of stock on the Lego site and the convenient shops I checked, and the other options required paying £20+ above the retail price. Which I did because I am a fool. Pfft! Oh well, it's not like I buy things very often.

(I still haven't bought a computer...)

There are a bunch of sets specifically aimed at adults that come up if you check the main Lego site - I wonder whether it's mostly adults who like Lego these days, if children are too busy with video games; the ∞ best sellers listing ∞ suggests this might be the case - but their prices are way more exorbitant than I'm willing to pay. And they're mostly things, buildings and vehicles; I chose Fawkes because it's an animal, which I prefer!



I finished replaying Memody: Sindrel Song this week, and I've mostly finished Pokemon: Brilliant Diamond, except for some endgame stuff. I'd like to write about them, but it's difficult to summon up the motivation!

Ugh... I really hope I can do something as part of my New Year's Resolutions to address this constant fatigue... Or maybe it's just an unavoidable part of getting older? Or a side effect from my brain cancer and the treatment for it? An important gland has probably been carved out, after all. I don't know. I'll need to talk to someone more informed about it.

How are you all doing??