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New Year's Resolutions 2017

8 years ago884 words

Here's my list of resolutions for this year. Or I suppose they're more like goals rather than habit changes; I doubt that vague things like 'get fitter' or 'study better' would be worth adding since they're hard to assess and even harder to maintain for long periods. They tend to come in waves and spurts. So yes, these are what I hope to be able to say "yes, I did that!" about by the end of the year:

Do something that I feel is worthwhile
It can't get any vaguer than this! But I still don't know what I'm doing with my life, and it bothers me. I don't know if the typical path is for me, or ever will be; I don't dream of a perfect, nuclear family and an amazing, 'successful' career. But I do read about and envy influential thinkers; solitary eccentrics who've contributed to our understanding of science, the mind, or how to live a more fulfilling life through philosophy. Many of them - if the mythology built around them is interpreted superficially, at least - seemed to have had great insights alone, working away at their pet problems and presenting thought-provoking wisdom at the end of it. Newton and his secret discovery of calculus, which he kept to himself for many years. The Buddha, and his revelations about consciousness gleaned through years of solitary introspection. Perhaps these are the role models of the introverted, intuitive intellectual; so different to the role models of the sensation-seeking extroverted, who'd wish to for the company of many people and luxurious things... It's naive, I know, to expect that my life will miraculously turn around considering my story so far, but... well, I hope I get a better idea this year of what I want to do with what time I have remaining. Hopefully it'll be something worthwhile, not just to me but to others too.

Get good grades in my second year exams
The first ones are coming up in less than a week, and I feel poorly prepared... but I've done extremely well on previous ones, so I'll try my best and hope they turn out well.

Add more people to my life
For the past several years, I've had 'find a girlfriend' as my top hope for the year ahead; half a decade without close intimacy is a difficult thing to endure. But I shouldn't fixate on romantic relationships at the expense of possible others. My connection with my best friend here at university adds a lot to my life, so if I could find at least one other relationship like that, I'd surely be much less lonely. But they're not easily found, annoyingly!
Of course, a longing for physical intimacy is a constant thorn in my mind... but I feel I'm getting to the point where I'm accepting that's just not going to be a part of my life anymore.

Join Nightline
Or the Samaritans or some similar service where I can help others by listening. Or a society, or something; anything to connect with like-minded others in a meaningful way.

Don't have brain surgery
I know this is a really trite one that everyone predictably adds to their lists, but I really don't want to have devastating brain surgery this year. But the threat is there, and it's very much up to fate. My tumour hasn't grown at all in many months, scans show, so if it continues to remain static like this at least until I get my life sorted out, then, well, that'll be good. But maybe it won't. What a lovely thing to have constantly hanging over me.

Overcome social media fears
I'm adding this one again. If I can get to the point where I can look at Facebook profiles without panic and avoidance, I feel that many doors will open to me. I could become active in the study groups for my course here at university, for example.

Go to Korea
I don't know whether I'll get accepted for a summer school placement, but I certainly hope so.

Release an app
Though university is my biggest concern at the moment, recently I've been working on a game and really, really enjoying it for the first time in ages. I'll talk about it in my next post - with screenshots and everything - though I may never actually release it. It's a small, 'throwaway', standalone thing though - not some epic episode-spanning saga - so maybe I'll come up with something similar I could release just for a bit of fun. It'd be nice to be able to say to new people "I made this app, let me show you on my phone!", which I can't really do with my old games.

Get at least some part time work experience
I've been avoiding getting a 'real job' for far too long now... At the very least, I want to try doing some volunteering. That's a way to meet people too.

So basically, they boil down to 'get my life sorted out, rather than having it get even worse'. But isn't that the point of New Year's Resolutions? It'd be wonderful if I could say I'd done even a couple of these as I stand atop the festering corpse of 2017... but we'll see, I suppose.