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Makes sense to me!
8 years ago3,685 words
I've got some emails about my games from someone who's clearly mentally ill. They're... definitely something. (Quote: "All filthy conduct, fornication and ''intimacy'', in thought, word, desire or deed, flings the soul into a sewer beneath every low beast.") Makes me think though about how everyone's thoughts make perfect sense to them, even the severely delusional. If my thoughts were bizarre, would I even know it? Also, loneliness. That's fun.

I wrote in my previous posts that I'd been working on a creative project with all the fervour I'd once had for such things, how amazing that felt, how I was going to post about that... but sadly that interest has disappeared as I'm currently having to face university exams. I don't think I'll do badly, but I've been stressing about those, revising, etc.

I've also been going mad; last night I roamed the (thankfully deserted) streets in the dark muttering under my breath like a crazy person, because I just couldn't bear to be in this little room by myself any longer. It'd been days since I'd been outside - not even an unusual thing for me - and... well, something just felt different. Like the thread that holds my mind together had frayed even further.

I wonder if this is how people go mad? I mean, the path to insanity must be a gradual thing, right? Is this what the process feels like? I don't know.

I do know that the assumption that my death is quite close is deeply ingrained. I notice that the vision in my right eye is worse than my left as a result of my tumour; my pupils are different sizes for the same reason. But I'm not concerned, as I doubt I have a long future ahead of me anyway.

This isn't a good way to think, of course! But I suppose it's what loneliness does to the mind.

"Social outcast", "recluse", "bit of a hermit", "kept to himself", "didn't really mingle", "shut-in", "nobody ever saw him"... The sorts of things you hear in descriptions of serial killers and suicide victims. Is that my fate too? Is that the role I'm going to play in this world?

And yet so many people are lonely... I've been using that therapy site, blahtherapy, quite a bit recently, and I've asked a lot of people if they're lonely, and the majority say yes. Of course it's a biased sample; you're going to come to a place like that only if you don't have anyone else who'll listen.

It's... interesting, also, and frustrating, how obviously different the men and women are. Women tend to be more interesting to talk to, though they usually talk about their boyfriends, husbands, or friendship groups; mostly they're teenage girls. They don't really care who they're talking to as long as you listen. The men, though, are briefer, blunter, and usually they ask your age and sex because they want to be talking to a girl. I suppose for a lot of them, it's the only place they might have a chance of doing so. Some are outright creepy and talk about sex stuff, others readily say "I love you" if you imply you're not another guy (I'd never pretend to be female, but if I'm asked about my age or sex, I evade the question)... or disconnect if you are. Of course I can't claim to be 'better' than them; I'd rather talk to girls too. But it's sad knowing how many desperate, lonely men there are out there... Like me. I don't like being one of them. I'm reminded of stories of men going to strip clubs just for someone to talk to... It's all very bleak.

But anyway. I'm getting off topic completely.

Oh, I should mention that my... episode yesterday - it's not as if I'm that mad all the time! - was due to a bunch of converging factors that I won't bother to go into here. It doesn't matter. Nothing that can be done, really.

I mostly just wanted to talk about the emails that I got. There were about six of them, all very much the same. Maybe it's bad of me to do this, but I'll just paste one of them here so you can read at least a bit of it yourself if you're curious (I haven't read the whole thing myself):

Preface: The following plea and denunciation is written against the
lies and poison contained in the Mardek games. I have not begun to
compile the errors in ''Alora Fane'', nor have I any wish to, save
that it is sodden in Eastern paganism (pacifism, meditation as
commonly understood), polytheism and the vile idea of a god depending
on worshippers. I beg you to shut the whole lot down. The Enneagram is
blasphemous, occult, pagan New Age nonsense that infected the
Modernist sect that has usurped the Catholic Hierarchy after Vatican
II and very very dangerous.

I want to help you save your soul. Our Blessed Lord would so readily
turn away the sword and replace it with the cup of brimming love.
Please read this entire long email.

I shall remember you in my Rosary. I know what depression is like, I
fight daily with intrusive blasphemies and impurities, I can't face
being with certain people because the Devil sets off fireworks in my
head, I have been confined to my house before and wash and wash my
prayerbooks and Rosary. I have dear good friends who help me, my dear
mother, Fr McLaughlin and Fr Wingerden SSPX, Fr Nicholas Mary C.Ss.R.

With regard to the tumour in the brain I shall pray for you and have a
Mass said. and try to find out if St Peregrine Oil can still be
validly obtained -- the Modernists make it, but I don't know if they
changed the rite of blessing, if it is I shall apply for your address
and send you some. I shall send you a statue and a relic of St
Peregrine Laziosi, the patron-saint of those with cancer, if you
should like.

I must also impress on you that -- as I am sure my own illness is a
punishment -- one reason God has struck you down is because of your
scoffing rationalism, your parody of the Ten Commandments, calling
holy religion ''a pest'' and making evil games. You should be very
glad, as I am, to have escaped Hell and to have a ready-made penance
to hand. That is your way to Heaven, though if God cures you it will
be to confound those past sins.

Lastly, remember, suffering is bliss. I should be very happy to know I
was dying as God would be so palpably near (the same beautiful truth
is expressed by Fr Faber in his lovely Spiritual Conference on Death
and by a poor soul who fell in part into Modernism, Fr Hugh Thwaites
S.J., that we are all in God's hands but when we are dying we begin to
feel His fingers) and the exile would be visibly over, the night
visibly waning.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to denounce your website and to implore you to take it
from the Internet so it can do no more harm. I have fallen gravely
into video-games, a habitual and bad mortal sin of mine and having,
thanks to Our Dear Blessed Lord, repented, I must try to remove the
snare from other people's feet. I used to play these wicked things
before, by the dear grace of God, I amended my life and made a good
Confession to a priest of the Society of St Pius X. I have fallen
again today, and fallen badly. I began the day badly by gluttony and
worldliness, I knew I was doing something shameful and wrong. Thanks
be to Our Dear Lord I have repented and wish to recant my sins.

The existence of God, and His singularity, goodness, justice, mercy,
can be proved by reason, by the necessity of an Uncaused Cause, or put
another way: everything that exists has a cause. It is impossible for
there to be an infinite succession of causes, as something must have
started the causes off. That first or uncaused cause is God. His
singularity and goodness and all His perfections were proved by reason
by Aristotle. Yes, your atheism and rationalism actually denies facts
which can be proven by reason alone! Your idol Dawkins is a cruel man
-- imbrued in the blood of murdered children in the womb -- and a
blaspheming liar. Darwinism is a wicked lie, a nonsense to reason
(what use would be a half-wing or a half-flipper?) and blasphemous
against the revealed Truth. The whole atmosphere of your website is
poisonous with sneering, ''scientific'' scepticism, smug freethinking
jokes, excusing very form of moral corruption just as most of my
schoolfellows did, the same evil atmosphere of ''intellectualism'',
Judaeo-Masonic liberalism , blasphemies and rationalism, it is
terribly dangerous.

The Divine mission and Indefectibility of the One, Holy, Roman,
Catholic and Apostolic Church can also be proved by reason, by the
many miraculous and historical proofs God has given. Faith is the
submission of the will to a truth revealed by God, falling as it were
out of Heaven and altogether independent of Man, at which reason could
not have arrived. We can see by reason that the Catholic Church is
divine and infallible, is the sole True Church, outside of which
thereis no salvation, and so all men are bound to submit to Her in all
She teaches and commands.

Most of the Hierarchy and the clergy and laity are alas subscribers to
the Modernist and Liberal heresies and lies contained in the documents
of a diet held in Rome in the 1960s, the Second Vatican Council, and
are -- God grant that some are simply deluded -- materially heretics
at present: it is the Society of St Pius X that keeps the true
Catholic Faith alive in this terrible time.

Firstly, Our Blessed Lord made Man to know Him, love Him and serve Him
by piety and mortification. Any ''playing'' or recreation beyond the
bare minimum necessary to maintain the health of the mind is a
dreadful waste of time. I made solemn vows under pain of mortal sin
against video-games and secular reading matter and have broken both.

Secondly, the idea of a ''fantasy'' world is evil. It festered in the
bad pagan times before Our Holy Faith and was revived after the great
revolt from God by the Protestants, the festering paganism of the
Renaissance and the even more abominable Enlightenment, in which Man
rebelled against God and denied he had any master, denying the
existence of the supernatural (humanism) and giving himself to his
perverted emotions and whims as the heathens did (e.g. humanism,
Romanticism, folk-lore). The idea of going on adventures is an idle
worldly vanity, spawned by the chivalry literature and the poison of
courtly love. The poison of free-thought, Modernism and the
Enlightenment is spread by the Freemasons and the poor wicked wretched
Jews.

It infected most people today by the wicked Gnostic and sham-Catholic
JRR Tolkien. His corruption can be seen more subtly in making greedy,
idle hobbits, given over to pleasure and parties, as his heroes and
the ideal of life -- a vain and worldly one, rather we must spend our
days in suffering and prayer and penance. It spread in the degenerate,
neo-pagan youth culture of the 1960s (after the destruction of most of
the Church in the Second Vatican Council), which I embraced in this
awful day and hate with my whole heart. This is a Satanic culture, of
hedonism, vanity,occultism and paganism, the corrupt ''New Age'' and
the revival of heathen demons such as trolls, goblins and the like,
also elves (even as heroes!), dwarves and other pagan ideas. The
demons are real and must be feared and hated, not played about or even
mock fought.

Practically all such worlds are founded on a lying cosmology called
Manichean, one having good and evil powers that are equal (in truth,
The Blessed Trinity is omnipotent, one sole God and Creator, all magic
is merely a Satanic illusion, and evil is nothing, merely the lack of
a due good, not an independent power in itself, the Devils are
wretched and doomed rebels tormented in Hell and merely permitted to
tempt us for our trial and future glory by the permission of God).

Your ''YALORT'' is a disgusting and deliberate mockery of the Blessed
Trinity. You also dare to parody the Decalogue, the Ten Commandments,
by writing a list of twenty-eight propositions, most of which are
blasphemous or false, even mocking excommunication and indulging the
foul sin and abomination of homosexualism and the other perversions
which are so hideous and so evil that the very devils and nature finds
them disgusting, so evil that cities of men have been slain for it by
the just judgement of God. One fall into that sin necessitates a life
of austere penance.

Your cosmology is disgusting, a pack of lies, polytheistic and false,
with gods as mean, low, petty and evil as the heathen Greeks or
Romans, a notion by which a god depends on his worshippers (a lie
lifted from an evil writer, Terry Pratchett) and with numerous false
religions seemingly true.

Thirdly, magic and necromancy is very real and very dangerous –
attempting to perform an act beyond the capacity of human nature bythe
aid of demons. The Devil and the demons are real and constantly strive
to draw us into sin, to pretend to perform magic is a grave sin, in
jest or otherwise, it habituates us to devilry and as it were offers
ourselves up to the Enemy to be tempted. By propagating such things –
''wizards'', supposedly good or bad, drawing on real or imagined
demons as game characters do (and even speaking well of the
demon-world, which is blasphemously depicted as really existing and
independent)

Fourth there is gross immorality in the indecent talk between your two
''heroes'' -- fawning on, keeping company with and impressing women
for filthy impurity. I bound myself to God by a vow of celibacy and
perfect purity and, God spare me, I excused these filthy thoughts and
desires – think what you are doing! Think of the filthy sewer you are
exposing young men to. Kisses and flowers and romance is just impurity
and filth in thin disguise, inflaming the hideous passions. The least
trace of impurity makes the very demons sick, as St Alphonsus de
Liguori writes. It is the worst of sins. It has no ''parvity of
matter'', to use the technical name, by which a boy stealing a biscuit
commits only a venial sin, every sin against purity is mortal. All
filthy conduct, fornication and ''intimacy'', in thought, word, desire
or deed, flings the soul into a sewer beneath every low beast.

Every worm and maggot and grub is a delightful little world of peace
and light and beauty, made to serve God (though they too fell into
impurity, they have no wills and so cannot sin, sickening as it
is),sinless in glory. Man in mortal sin is a filthy blot that does not
deserve to exist and only extreme mercy from God spares him from
thefires of Hell for one minute, never mind the years that the good
God has given you and me.

Marriage itself is a Sacrament, it is true, but it has nothing to do
with fleshly desire, it gives grace for a Christian family to
livetogether in all humility and subjection, in raising Christian
children. The use of marriage is only tolerated, repulsive as it is,
for the sake of children, it is a disgusting thing that came into the
world with Adam's sin (when Adam and Eve discovered they were naked,
they had before lived in such chaste bliss as the dearest
innocentchild, merely loving as dear little children do with sweet
affection and no vile lust – God would have made more men purely and
innocently had we not sinned) and should be hated and the very thought
fled from.Perfect innocence, perfect spotlessness, perfect chastity –
this is what God demands, and where only happiness lies. We must
mortify our corrupt inclinations and purify our bodies by prayer and
penance.

The notion of aliens with a diabolical name borrowed from Babylonian
myths is a blasphemy, still more the notion of ''sharing a body'' with
two souls, that is wicked and is in fact demonic possession. It is
very dangerous to write about such things. Your Miasma reminded me of
the ''Dark Fantasy'' works caused me to fall into writing a
blasphemous parody of the Church, reviving my old and foul interest in
the disgusting Warhammer 40K, which is a cruel, twisted, hideous
mockery of the sweet lovely Church, so pure, so fair, and her lovely
relics and faith. I also saw and fell into again the hideous pagan
evil of Skyrim.

I implore you to shut your games down, renounce modern culture
and''gamer'' culture entirely, renounce all the modern world, the
spawn of the Enlightenment, particularly the filth of impurity, the
awful evils of magic, occultism and fantasy worlds, above all all
unnatural impurity, to receive instruction and to begin a life of
penance as a true Catholic. You cannot know or overstate what evil you
are doing, what you are doing to young minds and souls, how many you
are leading to perdition and how many awful accusations you will have
to bear on the day of your death, which draws closer and closer. The
''interests'' given on your website are invariably evil, from a filthy
television show (Doctor Who) with a blasphemous cosmology
(''time-travel'', alternate universes, quantum theory-lies) , the
disgusting QI, a programme of jeering rationalism lead by a sickening
sodomite paedarast pervert, secular ''classical'' music soaked in
Romanticism and Humanism and the foul blasphemies of Darren Brown.
Your soul is in incredible danger, fouled and clotted with sin and
lies.

Secondly, I demand and beg you refund to this address
[removed] any income from advertising from the IP
Address:

There is hope, for me, poor wretch that I am, and for you – repent!
Our Blessed Lord loves you so dearly, He came down from Heaven for
love of you, and would have done for you alone, had no-one else
existed He would have made Mary and then come, a spotless Son of an
ever-Virgin mother, so much did He love us. He left the Heaven of
brilliant splendour and towering angelic bliss to come and shudder and
tremble with cold, ignored and despised, in utter poverty in the
manger, then to live three and thirty years, to institute the Holy
Roman Catholic Church suffer agony inexpressible in His Passion as a
sacrifice for our sins, to die in slow wrenching aching pain and to be
offered up daily forever in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. He
dwells,physically present under the appearances of bread and wine, a
few feet away from us in every Catholic Church, in the Tabernacle,
suffering and cold in His little prison-shrine of gold and silk, the
best we can give Him but pretty penitential stuff for God – why?
Because He loves us! Hasten to a priest, I pray, I beg you to see a
priest of the SSPX.

If you understand not a word of this letter and think I am a nuisance,
go to an SSPX church and see and speak to the priest about all this.
Please. God will convert you, He will. The Jew Alphonse Marie
Ratisbonne became a Catholic and a saintly man because he put on a
medal of Our Lady, I seem to remember in scorn. Fr Paul Ginhac became
a saintly man because he went to a Mission to mock it. Venerable Matt
Talbot lived many years in penance because of a pledge he took, not
meaning to keep it. Please see a priest, please.

I have attached a good Catechism and the Asian website of the Society
of Saint Pius X. It has excellent articles on the evils of the
Enlightenment and the modern world founded on those poisonous
principles. It is hard to clear out the lies of a lifetime, which I,
and probably you, were subjected to, but by God's grace it can be
done.

In corde Mariae Immaculatae
Patrick Joseph Gray, a poor sinner.

SSPX in Asia:

This is a gold-mine.
SSPX in Asia:
[LINK]
This is a gold-mine.

[LINK]


What do you make of that? To me, it's... strange... and it makes me concerned about the influence that religious concepts can have on the mentally unhinged. He seems intelligent, too; there's thought and logic and even artistry in his words, aberrant though they clearly are. I'm not hurt by any of it or anything; it's more like a peculiar curio that evokes a sort of pity, sympathy...

But of course the biggest thing is that it makes me think "this could be me. I could be this mad. Maybe I already am?"

I'd love to enjoy the relief of thinking "thank God I'm not", but I really don't know at this point. I know enough about psychology to recognise that the path I'm on is certainly one that leads in that direction. And yet I feel I've travelled so far down it already that I don't know if any other possibilities could ever exist for me.

I'm certainly going to try things, but something feels different in my inner world... I had an immense, explosive headache the other day; it felt entirely unfamiliar, like I was dying. I genuinely thought it was the end; that the bomb in my head had gone off. Perhaps it actually did some damage? Perhaps I truly am differently-minded than I was mere days ago? How would I even know?

I don't know how I'd know. I just very much feel that I don't have much longer in this world...

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