Alora Fane

I've been largely distracted, frustrated, and exhausted this week, ugh! So I only did some little bits of things on Atonal Dreams...

I saw a video earlier in the week which included clips of the YouTuber MrBeast - whose content I’ve never seen and have no interest in seeing, but who’s successful enough for me to have heard of him despite that - talking about how he reached the lofty heights that he did thanks to some experiences spending day after day laser focused on researching how to make the perfect (from a marketing/gaining fans perspective) video, together with some equally madly-focused like-minded friends with whom he was in constant contact, fuelling each other’s momentum. That kind of mad focus really is crucial for wild success.

Me, though… My parents have been away for the past few days - because I’m a 34-year-old man who still lives with his parents - and having the overwhelming responsibility!! of un/locking the door of the adjacent community hall and making sure the dog doesn’t die (or crap in the house) has thrown me off so much that my creative output this week has been even more pitiful than it was during previous unproductive weeks in what feels like a prolonged chain of slumps.

Which is frustrating, because I feel so tantalisingly close to the next alpha, the next stage where I'll start looking into a Kickstarter, promotion, etc... Maybe I could get to that point with just a week of actual focused days! But I've been so bad at focusing recently. I wanted to at least write this update post yesterday, but couldn't manage it because I was so consumed by a kind of fatigue or exhaustion worse than I've experienced in ages. I don't know why; maybe just the result of prolonged stress about the loud, busy hall that's literally connected to this house's garden (which was full of tween girls doing some kind of musical or something for a couple of days), and the dog being on constant alert, or getting up to sniff around my computer's wiring or asking to be let out whenever I sat down to try to work for more than ten minutes, or maybe the dog spent so long bored during the day that it was fitful while lying next to me on my bed at night and that disturbed my own sleep... I don't know.

The dog seems to have settled down now that it's aware of the changed routine and that its actual owners won't come back any moment, and the hall's been empty the past couple of days, but I still feel exhausted today. I'd really love to move out so then I could just have my own routine and properly focus, but then I'd probably be distracted and stressed by isolation, and hypochondria - worrying about every little physical sensation - so... bleh. I'll just talk about what I did manage to do this week!!

I fixed some bugs! Including one that's been bothering me for ages involving the precision of input for the 'Dynamusic' system. Important, but not exactly exciting.

I (mostly) finished writing the tutorial dialogue scenes! That's something! I still need to write an ending scene for the first dungeon, which I might revise from how it was before to better fit the wider story.

Another thing I did was add - or rather fix - 'glitter', a thing I had in the game a while back, removed, and have now added back (the counter's in the upper left). It's essentially a currency you can use to add XP to your skills. Previously, when you used a character's skill, it gained XP, but when you used a tamed figmon's skills - which was a common part of combat - they didn't gain XP, you didn't get anything. It made sense to instead give you the XP they would have earned as glitter, which you could spend on your other skills from the menu later. You could also get glitter from defeating figmon (or having them fade at the end of battle if they're tamed allies), like you'd get gold and experience in a standard (J)RPG. It's something that could fill treasure chests, too.

I would have absolutely loved to have done more, if I'd been able to focus. Ugh.

Oh, one other thing I did while I absolutely couldn't focus on Atonal Dreams was some experimentation on customisable character models for that 'Mentales'/AFC Remake thing I've been intending to work on as a side project. I started writing a post about it on my Patreon a few days ago, but couldn't finish it because I just felt so stressed and exhausted. Makes sense to intend to write it there when I can instead of going on about it here, since it's been hard enough pushing through the brain fog to write this!

I've still not taken my new PC out of its box! I hoped to while I had the house to myself, but I don't really have the house to myself with the dog here, so maybe I'll just wait until my parents get back and can distract it so I don't have to.

As is often the case, I feel bad about being unable to reply to long comments people have left here! I've also got some emails recently from people asking stuff related to my old games - one even offering money - which I've read but couldn't muster the energy to type out a response yet. I managed to comment on Reddit in one of the communities related to my mental illnesses, and someone wrote a long reply to me which I wanted to reply to, and I haven't done that either. Makes me wonder how reliable other people are at replying to things, and whether it's just me who's terrible at it...

I'm never sure what to do when I'm consumed by fatigue like this. I end up wasting time on my phone, scrolling through Reddit and YouTube - this seems to be a fairly common thing? - but I hate it, and it just makes me feel worse. But sometimes it feels like it's the only thing that I can do, despite having a list of other things I'd much prefer to be doing instead.

I usually spend all day in my room, but it feels like it'd be cruelty to force the dog to stay in here all day with me, especially since it's used to sitting in a room downstairs where my mum works, which has a huge door/window thing opening onto the garden, so I've been spending a few hours sitting in there with it; a big reason for the lack of productivity, probably. Seems like a great opportunity to maybe try to reply to some of the messages I've been putting off, which I've tried to do... but I can't seem to manage it for whatever reason. I try! I just don't succeed.

I'd been playing Pokemon Legends: Arceus on my Switch, so that was something different that I could do away from my PC, but I've finished that now - and haven't written a blog post about it because, well, guess - and while there are other games I could play on that next, none of them particularly appeal to me at the moment.

Are you familiar with the Steam Deck? I vaguely heard about it months ago, but saw stuff about it recently because it's either coming out soon, or it's out already? Are you interested in getting one? It feels like it might help with this particular issue for me, because there are some games on Steam I'd like to play, but don't because I sit at my computer the rest of the time and would prefer to get away from it. Plus it'd be interesting to see if I could get my own games on there! I just wish things didn't cost so much money, and I'm still reeling from the cost of this new PC. There are plenty of games on the Switch which I could play but don't, though, so I don't know whether I'd even end up using it. Ehhh...

(At the very least, forcing myself to write these posts each week feels like it keeps me from falling off track completely...)

9 COMMENTS

Falcon64~3Y

Procrastinating by mindlessly browsing social media is an extremely common issue. One technique for dealing with it is making it purposefully harder to do (by, say, blocking the relevant sites via parental controls), and making the things you *should* be doing easier to pick up. Curiously, we seem to find it very hard to start doing things, and yet once they get going, it's fine. Perhaps it's because our monkey brains aren't used to routine, and constantly seek new inputs.

Glitter is a cool idea; it provides an avenue for leveling situational skills that are lagging behind due to not being used routinely.

Tobias 1115~3Y

Behavioural psychologists use the term 'response effort' for that concept, apparently! Making things more or less difficult to start to encourage or discourage doing them, I mean. It's true that getting started is the hardest part, and once there's some momentum it's much easier to continue, but it's frustrating when the things I need to do involve the computer I'm sitting at, meaning there's no real barrier in the way of starting, yet when I'm stressed or exhausted by other factors it's just too difficult to start regardless. Very annoying.

It comes and goes, though. I'm hoping next week I'll have more energy, as is often the case after periods like this.

Slothboy2531~3Y

Regarding fatigue... this may sound hackneyed, but have you considered physical exercise? Taking the dog for a walk (I hear they like that), or going jogging in the mornings? Something to break up that routine of yours a bit, inject some energy and novelty into your day... being stationary all day by themselves would eventually leave most people depressed. Would be an easy way of feeling accomplished for getting a small thing done as well.

Tobias 1115~3Y

That's a thought I've had and it's surely a factor - being such a sedentary shut-in can't possibly be a good thing - but the annoying thing about it is that going out feels like such a monumental chore that I can't push through the barrier and actually do it!

Well, recently that's been the case, anyway. I go through periods where I try to go out for daily walks, but always end up falling back into inactivity at some point. I also bought myself a cheap exercise bike a while ago, and have a VR headset I can use for exercise stuff, but sometimes even just using those feels like more effort than I can muster.

Slothboy2531~3Y

I've found this website, run by a psychiatrist, to be very useful and informative:

[LINK]

"2. How do you treat depression?
Lifestyle changes are very effective for depression, but they’re hard to do – part of being depressed is not having enough energy to make big changes to your routine and stick with them. So sometimes it’s helpful to start with something else and add in lifestyle changes as you start to feel up for them..."

"2.1. What kind of lifestyle changes help with depression?
By far the most powerful treatment for externally-caused depression is GETTING AWAY FROM THE DEPRESSING THING. After that: diet, exercise, sunlight, and hygiene/routine/behavioral activation..."

Tobias 1115~3Y

There's a lot of information there that I should probably read when I have more time, though I find "get away from the depressing thing" absolutely ludicrous. It's like saying to someone in an abusive relationship that they'll be happier if they leave their partner, which is true, but often not simple. Or it's like saying "prison getting you down? Just escape!".

My depressive symptoms are largely a side effect of other brain issues, mostly Avoidant Personality Disorder/social anxiety, plus the literal brain cancer. We can't really escape our own brains. Many people with mental issues use drugs to try to, but that always brings negative consequences.

My hygiene is fine and I'm trying to stick to a routine as best I can, but my diet, exercise, and exposure to sunlight need work. I think about that every day, but the motivation to make big changes is usually lacking. Sometimes I go out for walks every day for a few weeks, then stop. I'll probably start again soon.

Slothboy2531~3Y

I think the author anticipated that objection - the thing about "getting away from the depressing thing" is immediately followed up by:

"I realize this is easier said than done, and that if they’re still in the situation it’s probably because they have to be. Some people need to keep their depressing jobs to support themselves; other people want to stay in depressing relationships for the sake of the kids; other people stay in depressing grad school because they’re really close to getting a degree they want. I cannot second-guess your life choices.

But I will say this from having worked with many patients in similar situations – they are usually surprised by how much of their depression goes away after they get out of the situation. And more important, they usually overestimate how hard it would be to get out of the situation – remember, depressed people are pessimists, so the person who’s depressed because of their terrible job will naturally think they could never get another job, or that all jobs would be equally bad. Please, please, please don’t let your depressive bias keep you in your depressing situation."

And I don't think that's bad advice for people in those situations! Sometimes people get tunnel vision and may (due to pessimistic biases) not be seeing possible options or immediately dismissing them.

I imagine this is more related to your own personal philosophy and experience, but what gives you the impression that psych medications always have negative consequences (as opposed to having possible side effects)?

I think the author anticipated that objection - the thing about "getting away from the depressing thing" is immediately followed up by:

"I realize this is easier said than done, and that if they’re still in the situation it’s probably because they have to be. Some people need to keep their depressing jobs to support themselves; other people want to stay in depressing relationships for the sake of the kids; other people stay in depressing grad school because they’re really close to getting a degree they want. I cannot second-guess your life choices.

But I will say this from having worked with many patients in similar situations – they are usually surprised by how much of their depression goes away after they get out of the situation. And more important, they usually overestimate how hard it would be to get out of the situation – remember, depressed people are pessimists, so the person who’s depressed because of their terrible job will naturally think they could never get another job, or that all jobs would be equally bad. Please, please, please don’t let your depressive bias keep you in your depressing situation."

And I don't think that's bad advice for people in those situations! Sometimes people get tunnel vision and may (due to pessimistic biases) not be seeing possible options or immediately dismissing them.

I imagine this is more related to your own personal philosophy and experience, but what gives you the impression that psych medications always have negative consequences (as opposed to having possible side effects)?

Kalin24~3Y

Not related to this post, but a while ago you talked about considering getting a normal job.

And today I saw twitter thread on writers and other creative people talking about why they can't get those sorts of jobs. It's mostly about disabilities, but they include neurodivergance in that.
[LINK]

Tobias 1115~3Y

Interesting! And thanks for thinking of me regarding that; something I often wish is that I could communicate to other people why the path I've chosen feels like the only one I'm capable of walking, in a way where they might understand even if they're more mentally well-adjusted than I am. Seeing other people talking about this gives me hope that with enough people saying similar things, it'll become more widely understood rather than just judged as laziness or something. Plus it helps me feel less alone!

I see similar posts in the mental health subreddits I'm subscribed to. A lot of people have tried to get 'normal jobs', but either aren't chosen or they can't stick to them for longer than a few months, or in some cases even a single day (and that's if they can make it to and through the interview process). Seems that what I'm doing is actually way more than a lot of people with my condition(s) are, so that's something, I hope.