Alora Fane

I wasn't able to focus on Atonal Dreams this week, but I did make some maybe interesting progress on this side project, Mentales! Also, I've probably got COVID now.

As I also said last week, my parents went on another of their holidays over the last week or so, and left me to look after the house, adjacent community hall, and dog, which threw off my usual routine. If I tried to sit down and get work done, the dog would start pestering me after about ten minutes to be let out or given attention or something, and the one time I tried ignoring it, it gifted me with a malodorous mound of doggy dung on the floor. Ugh.

It settled down more after the first handful of days, and once my own frustration had worn off, I grew to appreciate the relative freedom I had. Typically my gregarious step-dad invites random people over, often into the kitchen, and due to my various mental issues I prefer to just avoid them entirely, meaning I can't even eat at a reliable time every day. Makes me feel like some overgrown teenager, or a deranged attic monster spoken known only through hushed rumours, but I just don't really want to interrupt a conversation and likely have some awkward exchange with Dave the 60-year-old plumber as I cook pasta in my dressing gown every other day. Would someone not mentally ill just not mind?

I really wish I could just move out, but I worry that if I did I'd end up going completely insane from loneliness, and - more importantly - I can't really afford it at the moment. Seems - based on Reddit browsing - that being stuck at home due to housing costs is hardly rare among millennials, at least.

I spent much longer than I'd like just sitting with the dog in a room other than my bedroom - it felt cruel having it cooped up in here all day - watching youtube videos. One worth mentioning is this one, where a developer I've mentioned on this blog before talked about how much his game (it's called "Will You Snail?") has made after about a week on Steam:

He says the gross is around $70k, but that he'll only end up with about 30% after all the cuts, and he spent like 5 years (?) on it, so it wasn't profitable in the end. Especially since he apparently spent $20k on marketing?? I'll need to look into exactly what that entailed, and whether it was worth it. It sounds like most of his buyers were followers of his YouTube channel rather than people brought to the game by marketing... though, honestly, I don't think the game looks, on the surface, good enough to win over people completely unfamiliar with it.

But would Atonal Dreams? That's something I've been wondering about a lot... though I'll need to look into how to maximise my chances eventually.

I think the duration of the development of that game is maybe the most interesting part, though. Even fairly simple platformer things often take years, especially for a solo dev (which he seems to be, though I suspect he - like many 'solo' devs - paid for some assets like music, but I could be wrong).

My parents are back now, and they brought a lovely gift with them: COVID-19. We're supposed to be keeping to ourselves to prevent the spread of that, not swanning around the world, grumble... I've been concerned since they're in their 60's, and I'll surely catch it too now and I have the cancer stuff which probably makes me more vulnerable, but we've all had two vaccines plus a booster, and so far they seem barely affected by it - as I suspect is usually the case, but that's hardly worthy of news reports - so hopefully none of us will die from this. Ugh.

SPEAKING OF ATONAL DREAMS, as I really should be doing in these weekly updates rather than blathering on about personal stuff, I have literally nothing new to show about that this week, annoyingly! I'm blaming the circumstances, but I suspect I'm just using that as an excuse because of a lot of underlying burnout.

Months ago, I wondered whether to work on a secondary side project - a remake of my old Alora Fane: Creation game/story creation tool thing that I never finished or released, tentatively called Mentales - but didn't really get very far with it before giving up. I got stuck at designing the customisable character models in a way I liked; I tried a couple of variations, but didn't like either. It'd been at the back of my mind ever since, though, as something I'd return to eventually.

And that's what I did this week! I wrote ∞ a long post on my Patreon ∞ a couple of days ago about the early process, but even though I have 82 patrons, it seems like the majority don't even read my posts there? The post only has 7 likes, and includes an unlisted YouTube video which only has 12 views as I write this, several of which are probably from me (if the creator's own views are counted). Still, I feel like I should post at least some stuff there out of appreciation for the people who have decided they like my stuff enough to financially support me!

Because so few people saw it anyway and it's an easy way to show what I've been working on, here's the (unlisted, silent, ~4 min) youtube video of a simple character being created:

As you can see, unlike a lot of character creators (especially in AAA games) where you use sliders to control the scale of specific body parts or facial features, these characters - inspired by things like Lego minifigures, Miis, and Animal Crossing (human) villagers - can have individual parts swapped out and recoloured, and they have pixelated faces which the creator can draw themselves (with 7 possibilities to use for emotes in dialogue scenes).

Since making that video, I got started on building the actual story/level/campaign/'tale'/whatever creator, though I've not done much with it yet:

Theoretically, it shouldn't take all that long to make this into a thing people could play around with, because I only really need to set up some fairly basic, deliberately accessible mechanics, then the main content could be made by players/creators (though I should still include some 'official tales' in a release)... but I genuinely thought I could finish Atonal Dreams in a 6-month period like I did with Memody: Sindrel Song, so...

Either way, I'm only intending to add to it bit-by-bit when the mood takes me, as a side project; my main focus remains Atonal Dreams (though clearly there's some mental fatigue around that that I need to push through or recover from). Hopefully I'll get back to that next week.

Also, a goblin, made with the limited selection of parts I've added currently:

(Also, my new PC's still in a box in the corner of my room, unopened, also due to being so mentally distracted!)

5 COMMENTS

purplerabbits147~2Y

I work at an acupuncture clinic with a Doctor that started out as a surgeon that then changed career paths to become an acupuncturist. I mention the doctor's career history so that there's some validation for what he has told me since he has gotten both a western and eastern medicine training. So at the clinic, occasionally we have patients cancel because they or a relative catch Covid. From what the doctor has told me, he has observed that the people who have had the vaccine experience more mild symptoms of Covid-19 and that the ones who have been up to date are even less affected. He has also been keeping up with the news about Covid-19, and he's mentioned that the current variation seems to be rather mild in terms of death rate and severity if symptoms. So hopefully things would just seem like a mild flu for your family.

Oh... I missed the patreon post since patreon constantly keeps logging me out after so long and it's mildly annoying to relog back in every 2 weeks or so.

phsc57~2Y

About COVID, if you take care (and it would be good if your parents also took care), you can easily not catch it! it happened with me and I'll explain how and what happened.

My mom probably got COVID (we only took her to test it many days after the peak of the symptoms, and it was a negative, but she got very sick and had the exact symptoms, so the doctors said it was extremely likely a false negative, but they did not deem it necessary to take the test again.

But I did not catch it, and my dad did not either (but there is a small chance he had it before), how? my parents were very careful and we planned it all out, my mom, I and my dad wore masks inside of house, and every place my mom was to (which was contained of course, also she could not move much because she got quite sick from COVID, generally it takes a while for it to take effect, and she had taken two doses at the time and still got quite sick), I started basically throwing alcohol gel everywhere to clean things, most notably things my mom might have used, and wore plastic gloves at home when going out of my room, where I stayed most of the time.

For a lot of people these security measures are rather extreme and not so possible, but I imagine you don't go out a lot or really have the need to be in constant physical contact with your parents, right?

But then, my parents understand how dangerous COVID can be and I am unsure if yours would take it as seriously, but just saying that with masks, plastic gloves, social isolation and hand sanitizer, it all can be fine.

About COVID, if you take care (and it would be good if your parents also took care), you can easily not catch it! it happened with me and I'll explain how and what happened.

My mom probably got COVID (we only took her to test it many days after the peak of the symptoms, and it was a negative, but she got very sick and had the exact symptoms, so the doctors said it was extremely likely a false negative, but they did not deem it necessary to take the test again.

But I did not catch it, and my dad did not either (but there is a small chance he had it before), how? my parents were very careful and we planned it all out, my mom, I and my dad wore masks inside of house, and every place my mom was to (which was contained of course, also she could not move much because she got quite sick from COVID, generally it takes a while for it to take effect, and she had taken two doses at the time and still got quite sick), I started basically throwing alcohol gel everywhere to clean things, most notably things my mom might have used, and wore plastic gloves at home when going out of my room, where I stayed most of the time.

For a lot of people these security measures are rather extreme and not so possible, but I imagine you don't go out a lot or really have the need to be in constant physical contact with your parents, right?

But then, my parents understand how dangerous COVID can be and I am unsure if yours would take it as seriously, but just saying that with masks, plastic gloves, social isolation and hand sanitizer, it all can be fine.

Travl9~2Y

Hello Tobias!
Firstly I want to apologise for only being able to read a sentence or two of your blog here and there due to lack of mental energy. I have been getting that more and more lately. Sometimes struggling to read paragraphs without speaking them out loud.

I have had this feeling in recent years and I would like to know what you think. The clever and educated person that you are.

It is a mixture of disappointment and aimlessness. I am not sure how many others get up day by day to face what seems like a endless and meaningless drill. Partaking in that tiring cycle of life towards some mundane, vague, and unspecified goal.

Maybe they have such strength because come from a more firm, stable, and rooted background, so that they are more happy and content with the role they have to play. Or maybe it's something else. It's not as if I know how people think all the time.

Have you had this feeling yourself? And would you please share some thoughts?
I would really appreciate seeing what you have to say.

Huh, Covid? I wish you and your family good health. (sarcasm NOT intended)

I have had this feeling in recent years and I would like to know what you think. The clever and educated person that you are.

It is a mixture of disappointment and aimlessness. I am not sure how many others get up day by day to face what seems like a endless and meaningless drill. Partaking in that tiring cycle of life towards some mundane, vague, and unspecified goal.

Maybe they have such strength because come from a more firm, stable, and rooted background, so that they are more happy and content with the role they have to play. Or maybe it's something else. It's not as if I know how people think all the time.

Have you had this feeling yourself? And would you please share some thoughts?
I would really appreciate seeing what you have to say.

Huh, Covid? I wish you and your family good health. (sarcasm NOT intended)

Tobias 1115~2Y

Sorry, I meant to reply to this ages ago, and it's already been two weeks??

I'm definitely intimately familiar with that frustrating fatigue! Usually I don't reply to anything because of it, even things that'd be of benefit to me or which I want to reply to. I put off a lot of stuff because of it. I got a new PC weeks ago and still haven't set it up yet.

People on the mental health communities I keep track of talk about this a lot, and with all conditions like this there's usually some origin in a less than ideal childhood (that's very much the case for me, coming from a very broken loveless home).

But I've also been seeing it in other places too, not necessarily related to mental health. This feeling of everything being tedious and pointless, especially with regards to working some repetitive job that feels meaningless, or like all you're doing is to benefit some greedy fatcat at your own expense. It's a miserable thing, that, so no wonder people feel so soul-sucked by it all.

The only thing that really gives my life any pleasure and meaning is creating things. Manifesting ideas from my own mind. Do you have any creative hobbies? I often don't have the motivation to do any of mine though, so even that's no guaranteed ladder out of the pit.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. That so many of us are! I wish I knew the way out, but all I really can say is that I know how it is.

Sorry, I meant to reply to this ages ago, and it's already been two weeks??

I'm definitely intimately familiar with that frustrating fatigue! Usually I don't reply to anything because of it, even things that'd be of benefit to me or which I /want/ to reply to. I put off a lot of stuff because of it. I got a new PC weeks ago and still haven't set it up yet.

People on the mental health communities I keep track of talk about this a lot, and with all conditions like this there's usually some origin in a less than ideal childhood (that's very much the case for me, coming from a very broken loveless home).

But I've also been seeing it in other places too, not necessarily related to mental health. This feeling of everything being tedious and pointless, especially with regards to working some repetitive job that feels meaningless, or like all you're doing is to benefit some greedy fatcat at your own expense. It's a miserable thing, that, so no wonder people feel so soul-sucked by it all.

The only thing that really gives my life any pleasure and meaning is creating things. Manifesting ideas from my own mind. Do you have any creative hobbies? I often don't have the motivation to do any of mine though, so even that's no guaranteed ladder out of the pit.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. That so many of us are! I wish I knew the way out, but all I really can say is that I know how it is.

Travl9~2Y

Thank you for your response. It is nice to know that others feel the same.
For creativity I daydream and make up different stories and scenarios, often resembling whatever fantasy or sci-fi fiction I have been exposed to in the past.
It makes me wonder about becoming an author.

Anyway, about that feeling. I am confident that there is meaning to it all, even if I cannot really say what it is. And perhaps venturing to answer this elusive question gives a bit of meaning. But that doesn't make it any easier. The daily grind remains and will continue to remain.

The first part of the challenge is to define what "meaning" really means. I don't know that. So I am not sure what I am actually even asking.

I have considered over the last few days that maybe (yes, I definitely mean "maybe") at least a part of the answer might be found in the desire for a better world. The creation of utopia, where the old things have passed away and where genuine righteousness, love, and peace govern society.

I think one contributor to this feeling is that change never really lasts forever. And if it won't last, what is the purpose of holding on to anything, only for it to expire into oblivion?

Oh, and you don't have to be concerned about your response time with me. I myself am familiar with the nagging feeling of having to respond to messages and wanting to put it off for later.

Once again, I appreciate your reply and I wish you all the best.

Anyway, about that feeling. I am confident that there is meaning to it all, even if I cannot really say what it is. And perhaps venturing to answer this elusive question gives a bit of meaning. But that doesn't make it any easier. The daily grind remains and will continue to remain.

The first part of the challenge is to define what "meaning" really means. I don't know that. So I am not sure what I am actually even asking.

I have considered over the last few days that maybe (yes, I definitely mean "maybe") at least a part of the answer might be found in the desire for a better world. The creation of utopia, where the old things have passed away and where genuine righteousness, love, and peace govern society.

I think one contributor to this feeling is that change never really lasts forever. And if it won't last, what is the purpose of holding on to anything, only for it to expire into oblivion?

Oh, and you don't have to be concerned about your response time with me. I myself am familiar with the nagging feeling of having to respond to messages and wanting to put it off for later.

Once again, I appreciate your reply and I wish you all the best.