Alora Fane

A couple of questions for you! Also some rambling about why I'm asking.

It's been quite quiet around here recently! I used to write personal posts frequently... I think of ideas for posts every day, and often start writing them out, only to give up because I either don't want to put people off supporting me by saying stuff they don't agree with, or I don't think anyone will really care so there's no point. I miss using this place to write out my thoughts, though.

So here's another attempt at writing a post I started then gave up on yesterday!

I'm frustratedly unmotivated! Over the past couple of weeks, I was burned out on Atonal Dreams, but madly focused on some personal projects - including Mentales - to the point where I'd look forward to waking up and feel disappointed when I had to sleep because I was just so eager to be productive. This week, that energy and focus have just completely gone, and I've been struggling to focus on anything creative or productive. Bleh.

I'm still hoping to ask for Atonal Dreams testers at the weekend, but... I'll save any specifics or excuses about that for the Weekly Update.

I thought I should probably try to play a game, which I haven't done in a while. Chrono Cross was the last one, but I finished that a couple of weeks ago. I haven't played anything on this new PC!

Which is sort of silly since I'm supposed to be making games, right?

As a child and a teen, I'd play games for hours and hours, lost in their worlds... and a lot of my fondest memories are of video game worlds I immersed myself in. As I got focused on making my own, I started seeing other games with a developer's eye, or with envy, which sapped a lot of the joy out of them... I've written about that before.

There's also abundance of choice, though. Back in the day, I had a number of games for the consoles I owned, and that was it, so I'd replay them over and over. Now, I can get any of the millions of games available digitally, instantly, whenever I want, which leads to indecisiveness about what to play that generally results in not playing anything. Or when I do play anything, it's a revisit to a game I played in the past and already recognise.

I get frustrated that people aren't receptive to Atonal Dreams and just want more MARDEK, or to novel ideas in general because they prefer familiarity, but it's not as if I'm an exception to that!

It's annoying, though, because when I do discover new games, they can be portals to new worlds to get satisfyingly immersed in just like the ones from my childhood were...

There are a bunch of games I'd like to play, but keep putting off starting on any. I'd love to replay all the old Final Fantasies - since they were huge inspirations and I'd like to see how I interpret them with my adult mind - and have had the recent remakes of the first six on Steam open in a tab for weeks (months?). But that's a huge time commitment! I've also got the Kingdom Hearts games to work through, which is just as much of a commitment... I was waiting for the FFVII Remake to get a PC port so I could play that, which it now has, and there's that game Horizon Zero Dawn which I got ages ago but never actually played, and now it has a sequel too, and Xenoblade Chronicles 3 is coming out but I still haven't played the second and want to replay the first and-...

Then I think I should play indie games too, as I often do. Think that, I mean, not play them. Sometimes, rarely, it actually leads to getting and playing one, but it's been a while. What I really should be doing is playing other indie RPGs to gauge the competition, but... ehhh. I don't. I should! But I don't.

Similarly, kind of, or not, I rarely interact with anyone these days, online or off. I used to have people I'd talk to online every day, and I felt some sense of involvement in online communities like deviantART or my own sites, most notably Fig Hunter... Now I don't do any of that.

My social life is like one text message a week, and I'm terrible at replying to messages or emails on the rare occasions I ever get any. Comments here, too!

I'm just stuck alone in my bubble all the time, in my head, and I strongly suspect not playing games is directly related to this... though I don't suppose I ever really played games my friends (when I had those) talked about or liked? Hmm, how did I ever find games then? I can't remember at all!

I've been taking baby steps towards involving myself with a couple of Reddit communities focused around mental health issues I have, but I should probably be involving myself with indie dev communities too. I keep thinking about it! But I keep putting it off, not even due to anxiety necessarily at this point - much of the anxiety I used to have about posting on Reddit has dissipated - but just... I don't know, inertia? Hard to start something new? Depression? Something like that.

(Probably the same reasons I've been stuck in my parents' house in the same rut for years now...)

I saw a random youtube video about the game Spore recently - which is unpleasantly considered a relic of the ancient past now even though it still feels quite new and recent to me (I hate getting old) - and noticed in the comments that someone linked to some indie dev projects hoping to essentially make their version of Spore (which at least some people are apparently hungry for): one is called ∞ Elysian Eclipse ∞ (for reasons elusive to me, though maybe Atonal Dreams would be the same to others), and the other's more plainly called ∞ Adapt ∞. I'll need to make some 'advertising stuff' for Atonal Dreams soon, so I've been paying particular attention to how those websites are laid out (though I wonder to what extent having such a site even helps at all in terms of final sales).

Elysian Eclipse mentions ∞ a Patreon ∞, which I always check and compare to my own. It's got three tiers, all higher than my own, and is earning £1361 per month from 105 patrons, which is more than mine's earning by quite a bit. I don't get the impression the dev has any previous notable work, but I suppose those supporters are primarily motivated by that hunger for a new Spore (I should totally make a new Spore, shouldn't I? Yes, I'll drop everything and do that).

But that's sort of beside the point. More importantly, I always see these indie projects stressing their Discord as highly important, with a lot of calls to action to join the community and such. The Adapt page has a big Discord button right at the top next to the trailer. The bottom of the site links to ∞ a press kit ∞, too - like one I made for Memody: Sindrel Song (which helped it to sell millions of copies, of course) - and included in the list of images are a bunch of what I'm assuming are Discord emotes... or something? I'm only vaguely familiar with the concept, don't know how they're used, and obviously haven't ever made any myself. I'm assuming they fill the same niche as things like temperament icons I had on Fig Hunter... but I feel so disengaged from online communities now than I did then and it's hard to even really get into the right mindspace.

I haven't been in my own Discord in eons, and while I used to get random notifications of people posting in there, I haven't in ages; I don't know if that's because it's died or because the algorithm assumed I no longer wanted them. I should go in there right now and check, but... just mustering up the mental energy to do that feels beyond me at the moment. Which is stupid, I know. It's not anxiety exactly, just this heavy feeling of reluctance. I think a big part of it is because things like that all bring up a lot of 'emotion memories' of managing Fig Hunter - the dread at what I'd find and have to deal with - coupled with negative assumptions about 'nobody caring', and that leading to financial failure, which would be confirmed if I see that it is dead. Well, all that plus general Avoidant Personality Disorder which is about - shockingly - avoiding things.

Makes me wonder though whether most indie devs are constantly in discords - their own or other peoples' - and I'm just some old codger who's out of touch with how people work in the world these days (as if I was ever in touch with that any days). I also wonder though how active these abundant indie dev discord servers ever are, and how much active discord communities contribute to sales in the end, and whether I'll have to overcome the mental blocks preventing me from engaging socially with anyone if I want to have any hope of financial success, then whether I'm too old and past that to even be capable of it...

Anyway, all that rambling was to get to a couple of questions I want to ask of anyone who's actually even bothered to read this:

1 - How often do you play games?

2 - How often do you interact with other people, especially in a friendship kind of way (as opposed to in a work way)?

Also, since it's not worth a post of its own but I think it's interesting anyway: there was some kind of US Congress... thing... involving UFOs yesterday that I'm led to believe is A Big Deal with regards to acknowledging UFOs are a real thing and should be taken seriously. A shift in The Government's official stance, that kind of thing. I watched a 90-minute-long livestream of it, which was as fun as it sounds. The general feeling in r/UFOs was that it was a joke because they just waffled on about bureaucracy and didn't introduce any of their grey alien colleagues or show any wreckage they've definitely collected but they're just hiding it can't you see the lizard men are keeping us in the dark. THEY'RE COVERING OUR EYES TO THE TRUTH!!

But yes. Those questions!

(Gasp, I actually finished writing this one and posted it and everything!!)

10 COMMENTS

Maniafig222~3Y

I always keep a track of the games I play during a year for my blogs, and I recently put out one about the games I played in the first four months. It turns out they were all games I'd already played before, either replaying them, or playing mods/DLC!

I do play games regularly, anyhow. I don't think a day goes by that I don't, even if it is sometimes just a daily dose of playing YuGiOh online. Some games are really big time investments, whereas others are not. I think that as people grow older, they appreciate games that do a lot in little time more than games that do little for a lot of time.

According to my blog I've played about 16 games in the first four months. Not too much or too little, I guess. The game I'm currently playing is Bugsnax, the undisputed Game Of The Year of all years, which I'm enjoying quite a lot.

I'm pretty sure that the amount of people who join a Discord relative to the amount of people interested in a project is pretty small, though they are bound to be some of the more dedicated fans of a work I suppose. Enough to spend money on Patreon, at least!

We do actually use the emoticons you made for AF:C as the server emotes in the AF server I am in! So in a way, you already did make Discord emotes!

Your Discord is pretty barren these days, there was a time I tried to be active there, but it kinda felt like I was the only one starting conversations, and I wonder whether that just seemed overbearing or something... Anyway, when I decided to shut up for a month the amount of posts went down by like 90% or something, maybe.

I think it's just because people there aren't really interested in forming a community, just your projects, which they can talk about here instead, so what is there to say? I could share screenshots of games I'm playing or make dumb AF-related jokes, but

I think you'd probably get more out of a Discord server full of people interested in your projects than Reddit, anyhow. The whole paywall aspect makes it very different from Fig Hunter.

The degree to which devs are in their Discord I think depends on the size of the community and the size of the dev team. Whole teams can afford to have someone in charge of community stuff, solo devs tend to not be in there much. I'm in a server that's smaller than yours and the dev probably checks in once a day to reply to stuff if something has been said. Solo devs won't spend all their time in their discords, and there's no expectation for them to be.

I suppose the closest I have to a friend network is that AF server I am in, which I do post in daily, though the amount of actual conversations varies. I tend to do the most conversing when we're doing that cooperative AF:C quest or when I'm watching a show or playing a game alongside somebody else. I wish I had an IRL friend and we could play games together and confess our feelings and date and buy a house and work less because we'd be childless income earners!! But that requires effort, uuugh.

I remember the UFO stuff, that was a frequent topic here, maybe a year ago? Everybody's eyes in the US right now are probably on whatever federal rights they're going to be losing next, anyway.

I do play games regularly, anyhow. I don't think a day goes by that I don't, even if it is sometimes just a daily dose of playing YuGiOh online. Some games are really big time investments, whereas others are not. I think that as people grow older, they appreciate games that do a lot in little time more than games that do little for a lot of time.

According to my blog I've played about 16 games in the first four months. Not too much or too little, I guess. The game I'm currently playing is Bugsnax, the undisputed Game Of The Year of all years, which I'm enjoying quite a lot.

I'm pretty sure that the amount of people who join a Discord relative to the amount of people interested in a project is pretty small, though they are bound to be some of the more dedicated fans of a work I suppose. Enough to spend money on Patreon, at least!

We do actually use the emoticons you made for AF:C as the server emotes in the AF server I am in! So in a way, you already did make Discord emotes!

Your Discord is pretty barren these days, there was a time I tried to be active there, but it kinda felt like I was the only one starting conversations, and I wonder whether that just seemed overbearing or something... Anyway, when I decided to shut up for a month the amount of posts went down by like 90% or something, maybe.

I think it's just because people there aren't really interested in forming a community, just your projects, which they can talk about here instead, so what is there to say? I could share screenshots of games I'm playing or make dumb AF-related jokes, but

I think you'd probably get more out of a Discord server full of people interested in your projects than Reddit, anyhow. The whole paywall aspect makes it very different from Fig Hunter.

The degree to which devs are in their Discord I think depends on the size of the community and the size of the dev team. Whole teams can afford to have someone in charge of community stuff, solo devs tend to not be in there much. I'm in a server that's smaller than yours and the dev probably checks in once a day to reply to stuff if something has been said. Solo devs won't spend all their time in their discords, and there's no expectation for them to be.

I suppose the closest I have to a friend network is that AF server I am in, which I do post in daily, though the amount of actual conversations varies. I tend to do the most conversing when we're doing that cooperative AF:C quest or when I'm watching a show or playing a game alongside somebody else. I wish I had an IRL friend and we could play games together and confess our feelings and date and buy a house and work less because we'd be childless income earners!! But that requires effort, uuugh.

I remember the UFO stuff, that was a frequent topic here, maybe a year ago? Everybody's eyes in the US right now are probably on whatever federal rights they're going to be losing next, anyway.

Falcon64~3Y

1 – Games are my primary source of entertainment; I primarily spend my free time by working on hobby projects, playing games, and socializing. It's true that the amount of choice nowadays is overwhelming—the backlog of games I want to play keeps getting longer instead of shorter, and it's likely I'll never end up playing everything I'd like to play... but it's pretty much the same with any sort of media.

I want to elaborate here on the "developer eye" angle—while I'm not a games developer, and thus engage with games in a mostly 'untainted' way (though I sometimes make mods for them), I professionally work as a translator and that has certainly soured the enjoyment of translated works for me—I keep noticing calques, weird solutions, or plain mistakes whenever I read any translation, which makes it hard for me to immerse myself. Of course, I can still read original works (if I know the language), which circumvents this issue, and that's not possible with games development. Presumably everybody has this sort of "professional bias", which makes it hard to purely 'enjoy' things they know inside and out, instead of looking at them with a critical eye.

2 – I interact socially with other people every day, primarily through Discord. Discord is my social hub, where all of my social circles have gathered, including the real-life ones. This seems to be the reality of things nowadays, and it's hard to find a (relatively) young person who doesn't use Discord.

I want to elaborate here on the "developer eye" angle—while I'm not a games developer, and thus engage with games in a mostly 'untainted' way (though I sometimes make mods for them), I professionally work as a translator and that has certainly soured the enjoyment of translated works for me—I keep noticing calques, weird solutions, or plain mistakes whenever I read any translation, which makes it hard for me to immerse myself. Of course, I can still read original works (if I know the language), which circumvents this issue, and that's not possible with games development. Presumably everybody has this sort of "professional bias", which makes it hard to purely 'enjoy' things they know inside and out, instead of looking at them with a critical eye.

2 – I interact socially with other people every day, primarily through Discord. Discord is my social hub, where all of my social circles have gathered, including the real-life ones. This seems to be the reality of things nowadays, and it's hard to find a (relatively) young person who doesn't use Discord.

Refurin24~3Y

For the first question, I play games fairly often, and I'm making efforts to play more of them, but I constantly put it off because in my mind I always feel pressure that I should stop being lazy and playing games and should get back to working on them.

Which is ridiculous, I should be playing games if I'm making games, but it's a really hard thing to shake off, and I have been struggling to do so for years.

But just due to the nature of how things work and how picky I am, sometimes there's also long periods of time where I do want to play games and there are none that particularly interest me.

For the second question, I have made a few good friends through working on a game that I speak to pretty much daily, so that sort of blurs the line between friendship and work, but outside of that I pretty much never talk to anybody.

This is another thing that I'm personally trying to improve on, I have this stupid idea in my head that's just kinda lodged itself there that if I'm trying to initiate conversations with friends instead of letting them do it, I'm being a nuisance because they're probably busy and I shouldn't bother them.

So I occasionally go years at a time without speaking to them because I'm too afraid to start the conversation. And maybe they are too and we're all stupid, who knows.

On the topic of Discords, I used to be quite active in the Discord for the game I work on, and there were quite a few people in there that I really liked talking to, but the general atmosphere of a large public Discord server was so off-putting and toxic to me that I could not stay there, and I have been away from it for over a year now.

It's unfortunate because I miss talking to some of the people in there from time to time, but I had a very unhealthy relationship with that place that I am glad that I broke.

Which is ridiculous, I should be playing games if I'm making games, but it's a really hard thing to shake off, and I have been struggling to do so for years.

But just due to the nature of how things work and how picky I am, sometimes there's also long periods of time where I do want to play games and there are none that particularly interest me.

For the second question, I have made a few good friends through working on a game that I speak to pretty much daily, so that sort of blurs the line between friendship and work, but outside of that I pretty much never talk to anybody.

This is another thing that I'm personally trying to improve on, I have this stupid idea in my head that's just kinda lodged itself there that if I'm trying to initiate conversations with friends instead of letting them do it, I'm being a nuisance because they're probably busy and I shouldn't bother them.

So I occasionally go years at a time without speaking to them because I'm too afraid to start the conversation. And maybe they are too and we're all stupid, who knows.

On the topic of Discords, I used to be quite active in the Discord for the game I work on, and there were quite a few people in there that I really liked talking to, but the general atmosphere of a large public Discord server was so off-putting and toxic to me that I could not stay there, and I have been away from it for over a year now.

It's unfortunate because I miss talking to some of the people in there from time to time, but I had a very unhealthy relationship with that place that I am glad that I broke.

purplerabbits148~3Y

For me, I play games every day. It's one of the few things that I look forward to aside from reading or crocheting. Though concerningly, I have developed a sudden lack of interest in gaming. Best guess is that my Depression is taking a downturn so I hope that therapy and meds can get me through this, because not gaming at all is really out of character for me.

I use discord every day just to see how people are doing. Personal servers between friends are great in that there isn't a lot of "spam" for attention unlike in larger servers. The larger public servers feel, to me, like going into a crowded party. Due to my introverted nature, it's very difficult for me to integrate myself into a large group of people.

For your feelings of not wanting to play new games for research, it seems to me that instead of having fun playing the game it seems more like a chore/job for you. Which, unfortunately, leads to procrastinating on playing said games. I have also felt that recently, though I am not 100% sure why. I know I had fun playing Pokemon Ledgends Arceus, but I haven't picked it up in like 2 weeks.

As far as I can tell for creators with public discords, they ocasionally show up for anouncements on their new stuff but don't interact with the discord on the daily. It makes sense for me since if they spend all their time on discord, then they are not creating stuff which is the reason why people joined.

I use discord every day just to see how people are doing. Personal servers between friends are great in that there isn't a lot of "spam" for attention unlike in larger servers. The larger public servers feel, to me, like going into a crowded party. Due to my introverted nature, it's very difficult for me to integrate myself into a large group of people.

For your feelings of not wanting to play new games for research, it seems to me that instead of having fun playing the game it seems more like a chore/job for you. Which, unfortunately, leads to procrastinating on playing said games. I have also felt that recently, though I am not 100% sure why. I know I had fun playing Pokemon Ledgends Arceus, but I haven't picked it up in like 2 weeks.

As far as I can tell for creators with public discords, they ocasionally show up for anouncements on their new stuff but don't interact with the discord on the daily.  It makes sense for me since if they spend all their time on discord, then they are not creating stuff which is the reason why people joined.

Tama_Yoshi82~3Y

I haven't been playing a lot of games... which I would call "worth mentioning," that is. As a mostly Nintendo fan, I've been in a dearth for some months now, but I'm still turning to time wasters, which is annoying!

I have been talking to fewer people recently, in part because my girlfriend is very busy and it's been less convenient to organize nights with people. Work is also remote and offers the occasional conversation, but seldom anything outside of professionalism (though even professional conversations can be nice).

Most of my social interactions are now on discord; I have a discord with one of my university friends (he believes I "deserve to burn in hell for all of eternity" because I don't believe in God or Jesus, but we still get along really well, it's weird!) and some of his high school friends that I've never met.
Then there's the larger political discord I'm on, which offers a good conversation every so often (it really depends whether someone new joins with an unusual interest of belief - I think people on these communities tend to look forward to people with idiosyncracies because it creates interesting conversations; just last night I was talking for at least 3 hours to someone who thought it was "easy" to not be obese, while simultaneously acknowledging all the factors that could exacerbate weight issues, and that a fairly large proportion of the population was currently obese).
Like Mania said, the AloraFane discord is mostly dead. Most of the conversations - like 95% of them - were not really about AloraFane, except as a sort of "wink wink reference". Most of the conversations were about projects some of the users were on, and there wasn't a lot of talk about personal matters, which I think is a bit of a shame. Then again, there are not a lot of users, so it's difficult to fill up space when most people have already said their piece, and it's possible that a community with almost no active users feels like speaking up would expose you, which is probably not what you want in some cases. When there's more activity, it's nice to know your conversation can get buried after a bunch of other people have talked. Imagine having a really serious personal conversation, and it's still at the front of the channel a week later. Weird!

As an aside, I don't think "it's stupid" that you can't muster the energy to respond or visit your own blog/discord. I don't think you mean to insult yourself here, but I think it's more accurate to call the situation complicated and multifaceted. Absurd is maybe a better word for it - at least in the "life is absurd" sense. It's still what I would call a fairly serious matter; you've successfully identified the sore spots that exacerbate the situation, too; something can be both absurd, and grounded.
A lot of people have been talking about "languishing" during the pandemic, and some of it is said to result from lack of purpose (e.g. "why even do anything") when most of our actions aren't grounded in any meaningful social relationship. I've definitely been languishing myself (although I guess I'm not languishing right now as I'm writing this. That's right!!! THANK YOU!!!). Heck, I work for an insurance firm as a dev, and I really don't care for it. But I still feel very dependable and useful to my colleagues. It's almost *stupid*.

I have been talking to fewer people recently, in part because my girlfriend is very busy and it's been less convenient to organize nights with people. Work is also remote and offers the occasional conversation, but seldom anything outside of professionalism (though even professional conversations can be nice).

Most of my social interactions are now on discord; I have a discord with one of my university friends (he believes I "deserve to burn in hell for all of eternity" because I don't believe in God or Jesus, but we still get along really well, it's weird!) and some of his high school friends that I've never met.
Then there's the larger political discord I'm on, which offers a good conversation every so often (it really depends whether someone new joins with an unusual interest of belief - I think people on these communities tend to look forward to people with idiosyncracies because it creates interesting conversations; just last night I was talking for at least 3 hours to someone who thought it was "easy" to not be obese, while simultaneously acknowledging all the factors that could exacerbate weight issues, and that a fairly large proportion of the population was currently obese).
Like Mania said, the AloraFane discord is mostly dead. Most of the conversations - like 95% of them - were not really about AloraFane, except as a sort of "wink wink reference". Most of the conversations were about projects some of the users were on, and there wasn't a lot of talk about personal matters, which I think is a bit of a shame. Then again, there are not a lot of users, so it's difficult to fill up space when most people have already said their piece, and it's possible that a community with almost no active users feels like speaking up would expose you, which is probably not what you want in some cases. When there's more activity, it's nice to know your conversation can get buried after a bunch of other people have talked. Imagine having a really serious personal conversation, and it's still at the front of the channel a week later. Weird!

As an aside, I don't think "it's stupid" that you can't muster the energy to respond or visit your own blog/discord. I don't think you mean to insult yourself here, but I think it's more accurate to call the situation complicated and multifaceted. Absurd is maybe a better word for it - at least in the "life is absurd" sense. It's still what I would call a fairly serious matter; you've successfully identified the sore spots that exacerbate the situation, too; something can be both absurd, and grounded.
A lot of people have been talking about "languishing" during the pandemic, and some of it is said to result from lack of purpose (e.g. "why even do anything") when most of our actions aren't grounded in any meaningful social relationship. I've definitely been languishing myself (although I guess I'm not languishing right now as I'm writing this. That's right!!! THANK YOU!!!). Heck, I work for an insurance firm as a dev, and I really don't care for it. But I still feel very dependable and useful to my colleagues. It's almost *stupid*.

phsc57~3Y

Hey, I will answer the two questions then mentioned something I think I've mentioned but not to such a technical degree and it might help you.

I play games a lot, it is one of my main hobbies, but lately I've been playing less, I have a feeling that most games released in the last few years are not as good as some older ones, and I don't think this is bias because often I played some of these older games later, I think it makes sense with how the gaming industry getting bigger and more mainstream.
I like a lot of games, my favorite game ever is DARK SOULS, the original first, it is such an unique gaming experience that is really a rollercoaster, but not really a fun one depending on who you are, and it is a game that takes effort, but it truly is a journey, and it is very well made! I think it has the best map design and such I've seen in a game, ever! which is sad, because DARK SOULS II is not as good, and while DARK SOULS III is good, I have a few technical issues running it, but from the looks I got at it, it lost a bit of the magic the first game had, with the atmosphere, game design, the progression and general vibe, then there are the new FROMSOFTWARE games I don't really run, and I'd rather play their older releases like King's Field games, because often they were more focused on exploration, and the mix of the exploration and combat with the atmosphere and journey is DARK SOULS, it is a great game I think.
I really like The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim because of it's exploration as well and in general the atmosphere and world is good, then we have stuff like Minecraft which you probably know about, DEADBOLT is an indie game I really like but you probably wouldn't dig it, but I do and I think the gameplay itself is very good but also other things like the soundtrack which you definely would not like, also I like games like Hotline Miami that are also... indie? if you can call it that?
But there are countless games I like, from obscure flash games like Caravaneer 2 and the Submachine series, to weird games like Exanima, roguelikes like FTL: Faster than Light, to the Metal Gear series, to even some very popular games, and of course, the older Final Fantasy games and Chrono trigger, but you know what I think is actually better than these two? MARDEK Chapter 3, maybe not in the pure "art is virtuosistic expression" and all, but I think MARDEK often is just more to my taste in gameplay, there is often more build diversity and often more freedom, my dream and something I might make is a game that is a JRPG but is truly open, like the sorts of Skyrim and DARK SOULS, and not like the open world shitty modern games that actually are not truly open world, I'm talking about exploration, the key component of open world games in my opinion.
Also I think MARDEK Chapter 3 has really good combat mechanics that I enjoy more than the ones of the older Final Fantasy games for example, how you can build your characters in your own ways and prepare for the bosses and such is really cool, because it feels deeper than these other games, and it can even be harder at times, which I enjoy, I enjoy hard games (after all, DARK SOULS is my favorite game of all time), and before you think this is only a nostalgia thing, I played chapter 3 many years after chapter 2, I actually believed MARDEK was just forgotten and discontinued and I found it by chance, most people prefer Chapter 2 because of nostalgia and I agree, but I think that a game like Chapter 3 is actually very, very solid gameplay wise, the rest you might disagree since you don't think it is as deep as your current projects, and I don't disagree to an extent (I think the sorta metacomentary on how... funny things are like, Aeropolis and like typical beliefs like the Goznor tavern dialogue and all of that sort of thing... I find it oddly deep if you stop and ponder a decent amount about?)
I have an issue with games however, to an extent I like to compare them to movies, while there are the deep like movies by Terrence Malick about like life and deeper subjects, there are fun action movies like Marvel ones, and to each their own, but I don't think I've ever played a game I felt like was deep, one that moved me in ways that are not just emotional like a sad story, one that made me ponder, actually I think DEADBOLT has a bit of this if you beat the game and understand the... lore? or one's interpretation of it? and DARK SOULS also has this with interesting topics even, like "going hollow" and "seeking the sun" in a world that is dying and such, it is actually rather deeper, but other games? nah.
I also used to play a lot of like, MOBAs but they are suffering long term, and are just an industry made to milk people deep down, most notably League of Legends, fuck that game, DOTA 2 is a good game but the genre and style has a few issues that makes it often just miserable to play.

2 - I myself am not very social, it is because I find it very hard to relate to people, I really have a hard time relating and to an extent even respecting those I think are too different, while I often can understand them, I cannot emotionally relate to them, and often I just dislike people.
I used to have more real life friends, currently I only have two, one I'd call a real friend, and another I just do activities with, it is very hard to meet people after high school, university might be a place but considering the nature of my country and a few other things... I doubt it, but that is where I am going anyway.
I have two Discord servers, actually three but one is very inactive, one is for people of my country I met over the years, some from childhood I met on the internet, friends of almost 10 years, while few, two guys I met in highschool and some randoms I met in the internet, in total, like 4 active members? with a total of like 6?
And an english language server with people from all around the world, I met while in game communities I enjoy, which is funny, most of them are from flash game communities, and I enjoy that server, the different types of people and their beliefs, there is a fair share of more like progressive leftwingers, with some rightwing conservatives, people who are religious but also atheists and those who are agaisnt religion, people who are rather normal and like, do the typical things, do drugs (alcohol is one), meanwhile there are also those with aspergers who have not left their house in a very long time.
And it all flows well because when I consider inviting someone I met to that server, I make a poll in case that person is known to check if maybe there is a big red flag (like a Turkish guy who was extremely racist and wanted to murder people from Syria and also believed gays should die and he was in general very stupid and could not justify any of his beliefs with anything other than gibberish), and well, I check how open minded the person is, because I really hate those with set views of the world who won't stop and ponder and change them, because turns out maybe everything one knows is well, wrong!
And I really like that server, it is where I talk the most, I also talk a rather decent amount with my parents, I do like them quite a lot, I am not socially awkward or anything in real life but just quiet and I don't really like people and have no idea of how to meet those with interests similar to mine, if there are any... at all.

I hate public Discords and ones for games, I think there are a lot of people I consider stupid, ignorant, and just immature in them, so I try to avoid them, but often that is how I meet people, I just try not to be that active in them, also I really hate Discord moderation standards and general "Discord culture" if I could call it that, also I hate Discord as a company but this goes much deeper, but their product is good, but a public Discord is good propaganda and it is a good place to get opinions and discuss sometimes... SOMETIMES, it greatly depends on the game, something like Factorio has an amazing community, but some other games oh man...

Discord does not really have an algorithm however, it is just like any chat box, it could be MSN or Whatsapp or whatever, it is just what people want to do.

Anyway, I want to write another comment refering to a few things you mention, like your lack of motivation for playing games, trauma from FigHunter and related.

Hey, I will answer the two questions then mentioned something I think I've mentioned but not to such a technical degree and it might help you.

I play games a lot, it is one of my main hobbies, but lately I've been playing less, I have a feeling that most games released in the last few years are not as good as some older ones, and I don't think this is bias because often I played some of these older games later, I think it makes sense with how the gaming industry getting bigger and more mainstream.
I like a lot of games, my favorite game ever is DARK SOULS, the original first, it is such an unique gaming experience that is really a rollercoaster, but not really a fun one depending on who you are, and it is a game that takes effort, but it truly is a journey, and it is very well made! I think it has the best map design and such I've seen in a game, ever! which is sad, because DARK SOULS II is not as good, and while DARK SOULS III is good, I have a few technical issues running it, but from the looks I got at it, it lost a bit of the magic the first game had, with the atmosphere, game design, the progression and general vibe, then there are the new FROMSOFTWARE games I don't really run, and I'd rather play their older releases like King's Field games, because often they were more focused on exploration, and the mix of the exploration and combat with the atmosphere and journey is DARK SOULS, it is a great game I think.
I really like The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim because of it's exploration as well and in general the atmosphere and world is good, then we have stuff like Minecraft which you probably know about, DEADBOLT is an indie game I really like but you probably wouldn't dig it, but I do and I think the gameplay itself is very good but also other things like the soundtrack which you definely would not like, also I like games like Hotline Miami that are also... indie? if you can call it that?
But there are countless games I like, from obscure flash games like Caravaneer 2 and the Submachine series, to weird games like Exanima, roguelikes like FTL: Faster than Light, to the Metal Gear series, to even some very popular games, and of course, the older Final Fantasy games and Chrono trigger, but you know what I think is actually better than these two? MARDEK Chapter 3, maybe not in the pure "art is virtuosistic expression" and all, but I think MARDEK often is just more to my taste in gameplay, there is often more build diversity and often more freedom, my dream and something I might make is a game that is a JRPG but is truly open, like the sorts of Skyrim and DARK SOULS, and not like the open world shitty modern games that actually are not truly open world, I'm talking about exploration, the key component of open world games in my opinion.
Also I think MARDEK Chapter 3 has really good combat mechanics that I enjoy more than the ones of the older Final Fantasy games for example, how you can build your characters in your own ways and prepare for the bosses and such is really cool, because it feels deeper than these other games, and it can even be harder at times, which I enjoy, I enjoy hard games (after all, DARK SOULS is my favorite game of all time), and before you think this is only a nostalgia thing, I played chapter 3 many years after chapter 2, I actually believed MARDEK was just forgotten and discontinued and I found it by chance, most people prefer Chapter 2 because of nostalgia and I agree, but I think that a game like Chapter 3 is actually very, very solid gameplay wise, the rest you might disagree since you don't think it is as deep as your current projects, and I don't disagree to an extent (I think the sorta metacomentary on how... funny things are like, Aeropolis and like typical beliefs like the Goznor tavern dialogue and all of that sort of thing... I find it oddly deep if you stop and ponder a decent amount about?)
I have an issue with games however, to an extent I like to compare them to movies, while there are the deep like movies by Terrence Malick about like life and deeper subjects, there are fun action movies like Marvel ones, and to each their own, but I don't think I've ever played a game I felt like was deep, one that moved me in ways that are not just emotional like a sad story, one that made me ponder, actually I think DEADBOLT has a bit of this if you beat the game and understand the... lore? or one's interpretation of it? and DARK SOULS also has this with interesting topics even, like "going hollow" and "seeking the sun" in a world that is dying and such, it is actually rather deeper, but other games? nah.
I also used to play a lot of like, MOBAs but they are suffering long term, and are just an industry made to milk people deep down, most notably League of Legends, fuck that game, DOTA 2 is a good game but the genre and style has a few issues that makes it often just miserable to play.

2 - I myself am not very social, it is because I find it very hard to relate to people, I really have a hard time relating and to an extent even respecting those I think are too different, while I often can understand them, I cannot emotionally relate to them, and often I just dislike people.
I used to have more real life friends, currently I only have two, one I'd call a real friend, and another I just do activities with, it is very hard to meet people after high school, university might be a place but considering the nature of my country and a few other things... I doubt it, but that is where I am going anyway.
I have two Discord servers, actually three but one is very inactive, one is for people of my country I met over the years, some from childhood I met on the internet, friends of almost 10 years, while few, two guys I met in highschool and some randoms I met in the internet, in total, like 4 active members? with a total of like 6?
And an english language server with people from all around the world, I met while in game communities I enjoy, which is funny, most of them are from flash game communities, and I enjoy that server, the different types of people and their beliefs, there is a fair share of more like progressive leftwingers, with some rightwing conservatives, people who are religious but also atheists and those who are agaisnt religion, people who are rather normal and like, do the typical things, do drugs (alcohol is one), meanwhile there are also those with aspergers who have not left their house in a very long time.
And it all flows well because when I consider inviting someone I met to that server, I make a poll in case that person is known to check if maybe there is a big red flag (like a Turkish guy who was extremely racist and wanted to murder people from Syria and also believed gays should die and he was in general very stupid and could not justify any of his beliefs with anything other than gibberish), and well, I check how open minded the person is, because I really hate those with set views of the world who won't stop and ponder and change them, because turns out maybe everything one knows is well, wrong!
And I really like that server, it is where I talk the most, I also talk a rather decent amount with my parents, I do like them quite a lot, I am not socially awkward or anything in real life but just quiet and I don't really like people and have no idea of how to meet those with interests similar to mine, if there are any... at all.

I hate public Discords and ones for games, I think there are a lot of people I consider stupid, ignorant, and just immature in them, so I try to avoid them, but often that is how I meet people, I just try not to be that active in them, also I really hate Discord moderation standards and general "Discord culture" if I could call it that, also I hate Discord as a company but this goes much deeper, but their product is good, but a public Discord is good propaganda and it is a good place to get opinions and discuss sometimes... SOMETIMES, it greatly depends on the game, something like Factorio has an amazing community, but some other games oh man...

Discord does not really have an algorithm however, it is just like any chat box, it could be MSN or Whatsapp or whatever, it is just what people want to do.

Anyway, I want to write another comment refering to a few things you mention, like your lack of motivation for playing games, trauma from FigHunter and related.

phsc57~3Y

What I wanted to say, other than my opinion on games and socialization, is this:

Did you ever consider doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? ever heard of it?

I've been doing a course and watching many lectures on neuroscience and I find it very fascinating, I always knew a decent amount of the topic from just being exposed to the right things, and really liked reading some interesting articles, but it is very fascinating, and it could help you maybe? because I think maybe the Fig Hunter experience might have been quite traumatic for you?

Also, another interesting thing, dopamine and general health, there are a few questions I'd like to ask you, and no this is not the silicon valley guru sort of talk about dopamine being pleasure and you being addicted to this, this is bullshit, this is pseudoscientific and wrong.
How is your sleep schelude? ever heard of the circadian rhythm?
Do you work out? ever tried? as uncomfortable as it might be, it is very healthy for the mind.

And most importantly, what do you eat? do you eat? are you getting a decent aminoacid input? because to me, your lack of motivation does not seem to be only about being avoidant (I think just saying that is a bit bullshit, psychology fails to explains things in technical ways and often is a terrible science, there is an article I read a long time ago about p hacking and such and psychology has so many bullshit articles and publications that are often believed upon, and just categorizing things does not do much.
But what I want to say is that, aminoacids turn into levodopa/L-DOPA, which turns into dopamine, which actually regulates motivation, not pleasure or any of that, and how much one is willing to do things with long term results is related to this, and of course, the mesocortical and mesolimbic pathways, and a few other things.
Maybe you just have low dopamine levels and this is why you struggle to work on your games? or maybe it is a bit deeper than this, did you ever take adderall and/or whatever amphetamines in your depression treatement I assume you had? maybe this is related to the brain tumor?
You could try measuring them, but I don't know how trauma works and such, but CBT (no, not cock and ball torture, someone might read this and think that, I don't know if someone will read this? COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY) is very solid at dealing with that sort of thing, and very scientific unlike a lot of therapy methods and treatement methods, also maybe you just have too much stimuli which is actually not affecting your dopamine levels, but your mesolimbic pathways incentive salience, and you might just be desensitivized by activities such as playing videogames and whatever, but why? but this is less likely than what I mentioned before, but maybe it is a mix?

This is a lot of text, but I hope you at least read the later part about cognitive behavioral therapy and dopamine.
CBT is very useful for treating anxiety, depression, many personality disorders, INCLUDING avoidant personality disorder.

disorders:
[LINK]
[LINK]

depression:
[LINK]
[LINK]

anxiety:
[LINK]
[LINK]

Often some of these articles will cover multiple topics, most notably the personality disorder ones with depression and anxiety, but anyway, check out COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY and READ WHAT I SAID ABOUT DOPAMINE AND THE RELEVANT PATHWAYS RELATED TO THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX.

What I wanted to say, other than my opinion on games and socialization, is this:

Did you ever consider doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? ever heard of it?

I've been doing a course and watching many lectures on neuroscience and I find it very fascinating, I always knew a decent amount of the topic from just being exposed to the right things, and really liked reading some interesting articles, but it is very fascinating, and it could help you maybe? because I think maybe the Fig Hunter experience might have been quite traumatic for you?

Also, another interesting thing, dopamine and general health, there are a few questions I'd like to ask you, and no this is not the silicon valley guru sort of talk about dopamine being pleasure and you being addicted to this, this is bullshit, this is pseudoscientific and wrong.
How is your sleep schelude? ever heard of the circadian rhythm?
Do you work out? ever tried? as uncomfortable as it might be, it is very healthy for the mind.

And most importantly, what do you eat? do you eat? are you getting a decent aminoacid input? because to me, your lack of motivation does not seem to be only about being avoidant (I think just saying that is a bit bullshit, psychology fails to explains things in technical ways and often is a terrible science, there is an article I read a long time ago about p hacking and such and psychology has so many bullshit articles and publications that are often believed upon, and just categorizing things does not do much.
But what I want to say is that, aminoacids turn into levodopa/L-DOPA, which turns into dopamine, which actually regulates motivation, not pleasure or any of that, and how much one is willing to do things with long term results is related to this, and of course, the mesocortical and mesolimbic pathways, and a few other things.
Maybe you just have low dopamine levels and this is why you struggle to work on your games? or maybe it is a bit deeper than this, did you ever take adderall and/or whatever amphetamines in your depression treatement I assume you had? maybe this is related to the brain tumor?
You could try measuring them, but I don't know how trauma works and such, but CBT (no, not cock and ball torture, someone might read this and think that, I don't know if someone will read this? COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY) is very solid at dealing with that sort of thing, and very scientific unlike a lot of therapy methods and treatement methods, also maybe you just have too much stimuli which is actually not affecting your dopamine levels, but your mesolimbic pathways incentive salience, and you might just be desensitivized by activities such as playing videogames and whatever, but why? but this is less likely than what I mentioned before, but maybe it is a mix?

This is a lot of text, but I hope you at least read the later part about cognitive behavioral therapy and dopamine.
CBT is very useful for treating anxiety, depression, many personality disorders, INCLUDING avoidant personality disorder.

disorders:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3138327/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK7123/

depression:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2933381/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3180363/

anxiety:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3263389/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2880592/

Often some of these articles will cover multiple topics, most notably the personality disorder ones with depression and anxiety, but anyway, check out COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY and READ WHAT I SAID ABOUT DOPAMINE AND THE RELEVANT PATHWAYS RELATED TO THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX.

kasheeste2133~3Y

1.) Way more often than I should; traveling for work and keeping weird hours... when your only free time is at 3am in a strange city there aren't many options that don't involve hookers and drugs.
2.) Outside of work? I last texted my 'best friend' on 9/11/18. I burnt every bridge I've ever had for my waste of a career... I make good money, more than anyone else in my family could even dream of, but I sold my soul in the process.
Sure I've done some dating app crap (unsuccessfully), hung around with some interest groups but quite honestly I don't think there is a single person alive who knows my middle name or thoughts on brussels sprouts. (pretty sure those are the universal litmus tests of friend vs acquaintance)

As for discords, you really need to push them hard and have a content driver/cult of personality. I'm in several of the old school flash devs' (mostly watching for you since this is a recurring question) and all except for one are ghost towns. [LINK] Being the exception and imo it's only because it is a very old community with enough people and activity that things can snowball and go from a simple post or meme to a full on conversation. Of course the problem with that being the petty squabbles also tend to spread if not knocked in the head quickly. Its your call but if I were in your shoes I'd pass, it just isn't something you can avoid and expect to turn out.
I do think it would probably do you well to hunt down some indie dev discord (which surely has to be a thing) with some folks in a chat channel and just go; hang out, talk about nerd stuff, find out if they like brussels sprouts, etc. It doesn't have to be serious, you don't have to like them or open up or anything... just have some light hearted conversation with complete strangers who you can make disappear forever with only one click while you do animations or whatever.

As for discords, you really need to push them hard and have a content driver/cult of personality. I'm in several of the old school flash devs' (mostly watching for you since this is a recurring question) and all except for one are ghost towns.  https://discord.gg/pjXVxbqH Being the exception and imo it's only because it is a very old community with enough people and activity that things can snowball and go from a simple post or meme to a full on conversation. Of course the problem with that being the petty squabbles also tend to spread if not knocked in the head quickly. Its your call but if I were in your shoes I'd pass, it just isn't something you can avoid and expect to turn out.  
I do think it would probably do you well to hunt down some indie dev discord (which surely has to be a thing) with some folks in a chat channel and just go; hang out, talk about nerd stuff, find out if they like brussels sprouts, etc. It doesn't have to be serious, you don't have to like them or open up or anything... just have some light hearted conversation with complete strangers who you can make disappear forever with only one click while you do animations or whatever.

Tobias 1115~2Y

Brussels sprouts are a common part of Christmas meals in the UK, and I grew up with comedy things which always played around with the idea that they were disgusting and that nobody liked them, so I assumed I'd hate them too because I've always been a picky eater. A couple of years ago, I learned that they're actually the same plant as broccoli, which I like (in the same way pugs and golden retrievers are both Canis Familiaris, I think?), and I tried my first brussels sprouts at the ripe old age of 30-something and I liked them and now you know all there is to know about me!! Do you like brussels sprouts? Are you eating them right now???

I'm also curious what work you're doing if you're making good money from it and the path getting there is so strewn with broken bodies! Making enough money myself from this is still a distant dream, of course.

I appreciate you looking into those discords for me! Though I wonder which old Flash devs they are. Did many continue doing creative stuff, or did most just go on to get REAL JOBS? I'm very reluctant to click the link you included because I can't tell from the url what it is and don't know if it'll take me directly into the room and my arrival would be announced and all that!

I don't actually like talking about 'nerd stuff' at all - the only really satisfying conversations I've had have been about mental issues with people I'm close to - so the idea of a games Discord isn't appealing to me. If I could do without my own, I would. My main concern is that if all the other indie devs are pushing them so hard, whether you NEED to have one to succeed. I feel like Fig Hunter - the equivalent back then - probably helped me gain and retain an audience, some of whom are still keeping up with my stuff? I don't know, though!

I keep thinking of connecting with other indie devs in some way, but my mind goes in the direction of a subreddit rather than a discord for that. Maybe I'm just old (though I only started looking at Reddit like three years ago).

I'm also curious what work you're doing if you're making good money from it and the path getting there is so strewn with broken bodies! Making enough money myself from this is still a distant dream, of course.

I appreciate you looking into those discords for me! Though I wonder which old Flash devs they are. Did many continue doing creative stuff, or did most just go on to get REAL JOBS? I'm very reluctant to click the link you included because I can't tell from the url what it is and don't know if it'll take me directly into the room and my arrival would be announced and all that!

I don't actually like talking about 'nerd stuff' at all - the only really satisfying conversations I've had have been about mental issues with people I'm close to - so the idea of a games Discord isn't appealing to me. If I could do without my own, I would. My main concern is that if all the other indie devs are pushing them so hard, whether you NEED to have one to succeed. I feel like Fig Hunter - the equivalent back then - /probably/ helped me gain and retain an audience, some of whom are still keeping up with my stuff? I don't know, though!

I keep thinking of connecting with other indie devs in some way, but my mind goes in the direction of a subreddit rather than a discord for that. Maybe I'm just old (though I only started looking at Reddit like three years ago).

kasheeste2133~2Y

Love the brussels sprouts but don't know if I quite believe the whole broccoli thing... seem more like some kind of tentacle cabbage if you ask me. (seriously if you haven't yet find a picture of the plant its fairly freaky) Sadly I made a horrible judgement mistake about a week ago and cooked roughly 235 servings of boiled cabbage so no time for brussels sprouts in the near future. (see? I get that it was mostly sarcasm but Brussels sprouts are the perfect innocent yet polarizing topic to get to know folks.)

As far as 'broken bodies' you're strangely closer to the truth than you know; both literally and not. I am and always have been an engineer (US for train driver) and while at first I loved it for being 'the hell I deserve' it turns out that even that still has it's demons and burning marl. It is the perfect combination of horrible experiences, torturous conditions and philosophical quandaries to drive anyone mad. (I had typed out slightly over a decade of examples but I just realized in this regard that you are Zarathustra's saint in the forest)

As far as the discord it's up to you... it's Urb's the guy who made the Mud and Blood series which achieved flash fame at about the same time as Mardek. Imo the game/series has gone nowhere since then yet the community has thrived. I do not believe it announces newcomers yet I could be wrong. (you very much underestimate the liveliness of the discord with dozens of active conversations, some about the game, some about development and some about cats) As I said though of the one's I've joined that is the only one that seems lively at all so I'm not convinced it's necessary and if you/others aren't going to keep a constant stream of activity going then I'd dare say it will probably be a negative.
1.) Join discord of this super cool Atonal Dreams game I saw to see what's going on.
2.) Nobody has posted in the last two weeks
3.) "Well this project is abandoned"
4.) Click echelon in top left > Leave Server and never look back

All in all I just don't know... I'm just a trained monkey who needs to go do train monkey stuff. I'm sure you'll figure something out though.

As far as 'broken bodies' you're strangely closer to the truth than you know; both literally and not. I am and always have been an engineer (US for train driver) and while at first I loved it for being 'the hell I deserve' it turns out that even that still has it's demons and burning marl. It is the perfect combination of horrible experiences, torturous conditions and philosophical quandaries to drive anyone mad. (I had typed out slightly over a decade of examples but I just realized in this regard that you are Zarathustra's saint in the forest)

As far as the discord it's up to you... it's Urb's the guy who made the Mud and Blood series which achieved flash fame at about the same time as Mardek. Imo the game/series has gone nowhere since then yet the community has thrived. I do not believe it announces newcomers yet I could be wrong. (you very much underestimate the liveliness of the discord with dozens of active conversations, some about the game, some about development and some about cats) As I said though of the one's I've joined that is the only one that seems lively at all so I'm not convinced it's necessary and if you/others aren't going to keep a constant stream of activity going then I'd dare say it will probably be a negative. 
1.) Join discord of this super cool Atonal Dreams game I saw to see what's going on.
2.) Nobody has posted in the last two weeks
3.) "Well this project is abandoned"
4.) Click echelon in top left > Leave Server and never look back

All in all I just don't know... I'm just a trained monkey who needs to go do train monkey stuff. I'm sure you'll figure something out though.