Alora Fane

I've spent this week waiting for feedback for the Atonal Dreams Alpha... or rather, that feels like an excuse to shirk work more than anything, as I find the mere thought of the next big steps - or the alternative severe life changes if this won't work out - so distressing. I should try to play a game for the first time in ages to destress and reinspire myself, but I've been struggling to decide which one!

I've given keys and such to 10 people from Patreon, which isn't a huge amount - especially considering I have 79 patrons (hmm, that's gone down by 3 since last week; I wonder if I did something wrong) - and 6 have given feedback so far. Collectively, they've given a LOT of very useful feedback, which I greatly appreciate! But acting on some of it would require a ton of hard work, so I thought I'd wait and see what a larger sample thought so I could gauge whether or not I had to do that work.

There are other, more minor things I could have been doing, and I could certainly have been doing something to promote the game, or researching how best to do that... but bleh. I can't say it's been a remotely productive week.

I suppose I at least looked at a couple of solo indie game dev subreddits, intending to play others' games or to post about mine, but felt put off and discouraged because of how... low the number of posts and quality of content was? I got the impression most posters were young and just starting; at the stage I was before I made MARDEK, maybe (so not yet beaten down by the brutal reality of this ridiculous path). It's great such people have a place to congregate and (hopefully) inspire one another! Though I couldn't help feeling like an old man in a playground or something. (Though that's how I often feel on Reddit generally.)

Mostly it's just excuses to procrastinate and avoid the distress of doing all the marketing stuff I dread, though, combined with general fears about the game possibly - probably? - flopping like Memody: Sindrel Song did... though I know more now and will be sure to try things I didn't with that.

The whole point of Atonal Dreams was to make a short prequel to Divine Dreams so then I didn't get stuck in some years-long project that might not even work out, but since everything takes much longer than I predicted, that's exactly where I've ended up! And I'm very aware I'm 34 and I've never had a Real Job but might have to somehow find one sooner rather than later, but I don't know what or how or if I even can, and... well, it's a lot.

I've been feeling like I did when I originally gave up games dev and shifted my life around several years ago - a 'career crisis' or something - when I ended up going to uni (once for a year then dropping out because I felt I wouldn't fit into the professional games dev world, then again to study psychology, which was thwarted by discovering I had literal brain cancer, pfft!).

I've been looking into seeing a doctor about seeing a therapist to help work through it all, but it's annoyingly difficult to even get an appointment with the GP because you have to ring during some specific window, and if you don't, all the slots are filled and you have to wait until tomorrow... Then my parents went away on YET ANOTHER holiday so I've been saddled with the fussy, needy dog, WHICH ATE MY WORK and and and-

Excuses, excuses!

Next week, I should at least try to fix some of the smaller issues testers have found, and at some point soon I should look into doing a more open test with more people, though I'm not sure of the best way to do that, so I'll need to look into it. I don't know if asking in this blog would reach any more people than my Patreon. And should I just do a completely-open-to-anyone demo at some point? I think that's what a lot of indie games do?? I'll need to research that.

I've also been thinking that I should at least play a game or something. It's been a while since I last did. I usually try to spend my 'free' time doing personal creative projects, but recently I've not been able to work on those either because of the stress. So something to relieve that stress - and inspire me in the way games once did - might help in a lot of ways.

I've had a bunch of games on my To Play list for ages, but they're mostly for the PC; I'd prefer something that was for the Switch, for now at least, so I can get away from my PC for a bit. But I'm having difficulty deciding on which one to start!

I've been interested for ages in replaying the old Final Fantasies that inspired me so much when I was younger; maybe they'd rekindle some of that spark? The Switch store only has the ones from VII onwards- none of the pixel remakes of I - VI that are on Steam - but I feel I'd HAVE to start with VII, which is a huge time commitment in itself, then I'd HAVE to do VIII, IX, X, X-2, XII... And I'm concerned they'd either be TOO familiar - I played them again and again when I was younger - and therefore dull, or maybe they'd not live up to my memories and the fondness I have for them would be spoiled (this happened when I replayed Pokemon HeartGold a year or two ago)...

Despite the time I spent playing this game, I don't remember most of the characters at all.

There's a similar case with Xenoblade Chronicles. I loved that when I first played it years ago, but I don't think I ever replayed it, so I want to play the remaster, then the sequel, then the third which is coming out soon... But they feel like huge time commitments too (I remember spending 100+ hours on my original playthrough).

Plus games are so damn EXPENSIVE! The first one's 50 pounds, and the second + DLC is almost 80... Not cheap!

Someone recently suggested the indie RPG Bug Fables - which I think had been suggested to me before? - so I looked that up, thinking it might be more valuable to play something new and recent than things that aren't exactly in line with modern game design sensibilities...

But honestly, just based on the screenshots and trailer(s), it doesn't exactly appeal to me! It's obviously inspired by the Paper Mario games (which I've never played), but the visual execution is very amateurish. Reminds me of my old Flash work. I wonder if the devs (presumably plural?) were around the age I was when I made MARDEK etc?

It's inspiring in a way knowing games don't have to look great to succeed (though Undertale and Minecraft already made that point strongly), as it does seem to have succeeded? The gameplay and writing might be amazing! But its look doesn't exactly draw me in.

Or maybe that's another excuse, and the actual underlying reason is that I'm intimidated by 'the competition' and afraid of playing something that'll just make me think 'this is different to my stuff, it did well, therefore my stuff won't do well', or whatever. Probably!! So probably not a good option to destress! Something I should investigate when I'm in a better state of mind though.

As much as it annoys me when people resist my new projects and ideas because they're different from the MARDEK from their childhood, much of the time when I have the urge to play games I retreat into things I grew up with. PS1 games, a lot of the time, or sometimes SNES or MegaDrive (Genesis) ones.

The experience of games was so different back then... Each one felt like some vast adventure or insurmountable challenge! For example, the other day I randomly remembered an odd PS1 game my brother and I played a lot called Wild 9:

I remember us playing and replaying the first level over and over for hours, days maybe... It certainly felt like a huge chunk of time. But I never remembered finishing the game. While finding a playable version felt like too much of a chore, I looked up this longplay to at least see how much of the game I'd ever even seen. Not much, from what I vaguely recall! The first level feels VERY familiar and nostalgic, but subsequent ones make me think "MAYBE I've seen this before??", so it's likely that we just never got very far at all.

I looked it up on Wikipedia afterwards, which led me down a weird path. I learned it was by a lot of the same people responsible for Earthworm Jim, which I didn't know before but fits. Then I learned about a sequel to Earthworm Jim meant for ∞ some bizarre ostensibly-upcoming console I'd never heard of ∞ which is owned or something by ∞ some prolific games composer called Tommy Tallarico ∞, whose name rings faint memory bells and I don't know why?? His discography is long, but so much of it is what I'd consider 'artless junk' - projects probably designed by committees to leech money and nothing more, usually film tie-ins - which is usually the case when you look at what creative people have had to do to pay the bills, and that agitated further the already alerted anxieties I have about my own future...

So that was fun.

I also saw from that discography that he composed the music for another odd game from my childhood, Cool Spot:

Which was a glorified advert for 7-up, though I don't think I realised that at the time. It all feels so very nineties!

The comments by people on both of those longplay videos hint at experiences much like my own, of families sitting around and attempting these games over and over but never really getting very far... It seems sad that my perception of games is so different these days.

It also makes me curious though about how I'll perceive games like the Final Fantasies that I haven't played since I was around 20 or so. Would they seem so much briefer, way more poorly-written or clunky to play? Or would I be pleasantly impressed, and lost in their worlds as I once was?

I suppose the Switch port of FFVII is as good a place as any to start - and I've already bought it now, after getting distracted by the dog pestering me to sit in another room half way through writing this - though there's still some reluctance to start. I miss how I'd be actually EXCITED to start playing games! Sigh!!

(Looking up ports of games from my childhood like that makes me wonder about a Clarence's Big Chance Steam port, or makes me think I should work more on the collection(s) of my old unfinished games I talked about not too long ago... I would maybe have done something on that this week if I could actually concentrate on anything!)

Actually, an edit after posting because I just remembered: I saw a recent Reddit post about a retro gaming handheld - basically something Switch/PSP-like that runs emulators - which I'd never heard of before, but which seemed appealing to me, especially if cheap (as in 100 pounds or less).

∞ This sort of thing ∞. Does anyone have any experience with or knowledge about those??

I'll keep waiting for the remaining testers' feedback, though I'll also look into what to do next over the course of next week. A big part of the paralysis is just uncertainty. I should break it down into small tasks rather than seeing the path ahead as a mountain I have to scale in one leap.

I'll also try to work on Atonal Dreams, to address at least some minor things testers have already reported, and I should look into how best to promote, and seeing a doctor, and... bleh.

6 COMMENTS

Maniafig222~2Y

I did give feedback! A lot of it! If you do any revisions I'll play those and give EVEN MORE feedback!! You have been warned.

I'm not surprised the quality of posts on an indie game reddit is low. If the game is good then why show it off to random redditors? There's better ways to get attention than that I'm sure.

When I had to call my GP I literally rang ASAP when the time window opened and I still had a few people ahead of me in line. But that is the only way to really have any certainty that you'll get through, 5 minutes is too late, gotta call the very second that clock reaches whatever the time window is.

There are comfort games for me that I can keep replaying, some of these old games really hold up as well as I always thought they did, but other games don't hold up as well. One avenue for that kind of thing is to play fanmade mods for these old games, something to mix in some new with the old. I do that a lot with Pokémon in particular, I'd find going back to the vanilla games to be too much of a step back now.

The plots of early FF games probably all just don't hold up! FF4's plot is a random mess that was clearly written with 0 foresight beyond the next 5 minutes, FF6 has an interesting ensemble cast and a great villain but the plot just kinda flatlines near the middle, FF9 starts off really tight but then just derails completely in the second half into bizarre weirdness...

I played Bug Fables! I thought it was really good, a true successor to Paper Mario with a lot of charm.

I'm surprised you'd call the visual execution amateurish, I think the simple and clean visual style is very appealing and charming. Everything's fully animated too, just as Paper Mario was. I think it's very close to that series's style, just on a budget.

A game can't really be as successful as Bug Fables without an artstyle that appeals to people, I think a game's aesthetic is easily the most important factor in determining whether someone glances over a game or not before it can get by on good word of mouth and actual gameplay quality.

A game doesn't need to look 'good', but it does absolutely need to visually resonate with people. I think games like Minecraft and Bug Fables stand out because their looks are unconventional and striking, when they came out their looks weren't in any way ubiquitous.

I suppose Undertale's in a weird spot there, its graphics definitely are a lot more rudimentary and honestly just kinda ugly in its tutorial area. But somehow it still works anyway, because it honestly didn't need to be much more. The visuals don't detract from the game, I think. But its spiritual successor certainly did up the ante on visuals, and it is appreciated when it's there.

The biggest difference you'd find in these games is probably the writing tone, the writing in Bug Fables manages to stick very closely to "Nintendo Standards and Practices", I suppose, which makes sense as it's trying to emulate Paper Mario. Deltarune is more risque than that, some of it is definitely thirsty, but it never gets overtly vulgar.

I used to have that Spot game! Weird how it's just this common household game that a lot of people from this era know of, but never discuss, because what is there to really say? As a game itself it's bad! But kids don't really care about that I guess, they don't have to discern. That discerning nature comes later, both with deeper appreciation for the good but also without the ability to find joy in the joyless.

I'm surprised anyone would get lost in the worlds of FF, they always seemed incoherent to me! Says I, after having gotten way too invested in the world of Bugsnax.

Speaking of immersing, I want to immerse myself into the identity of Clarence Lardbottom by crushing various people and animals under my titillatingly jiggly bosom. I consume their still-beating hearts voraciously, them trickling down my pulsating, oozing mass of flesh. I want to imagine the haggard breath seeping from my virtual mouth as I check on the PC what interests my virtual girlfriend has, deeply wishing I could be said girlfriend and be dating Clarence Lardbottom. Then he shows up for our date, unwashed and wearing his underwear, and he orders a glass of water, stammers and belches, beads of sweat flowing from his shining forehead into his armpits, and then we passionately make out on top of the table in the middle of the restaurant. He then rips off his crusty underwear and... BEST ENDING.

I did give feedback! A lot of it! If you do any revisions I'll play those and give EVEN MORE feedback!! You have been warned.

I'm not surprised the quality of posts on an indie game reddit is low. If the game is good then why show it off to random redditors? There's better ways to get attention than that I'm sure.

When I had to call my GP I literally rang ASAP when the time window opened and I still had a few people ahead of me in line. But that is the only way to really have any certainty that you'll get through, 5 minutes is too late, gotta call the very second that clock reaches whatever the time window is.

There are comfort games for me that I can keep replaying, some of these old games really hold up as well as I always thought they did, but other games don't hold up as well. One avenue for that kind of thing is to play fanmade mods for these old games, something to mix in some new with the old. I do that a lot with Pokémon in particular, I'd find going back to the vanilla games to be too much of a step back now.

The plots of early FF games probably all just don't hold up! FF4's plot is a random mess that was clearly written with 0 foresight beyond the next 5 minutes, FF6 has an interesting ensemble cast and a great villain but the plot just kinda flatlines near the middle, FF9 starts off really tight but then just derails completely in the second half into bizarre weirdness...

I played Bug Fables! I thought it was really good, a true successor to Paper Mario with a lot of charm.

I'm surprised you'd call the visual execution amateurish, I think the simple and clean visual style is very appealing and charming. Everything's fully animated too, just as Paper Mario was. I think it's very close to that series's style, just on a budget.

A game can't really be as successful as Bug Fables without an artstyle that appeals to people, I think a game's aesthetic is easily the most important factor in determining whether someone glances over a game or not before it can get by on good word of mouth and actual gameplay quality.

A game doesn't need to look 'good', but it does absolutely need to visually resonate with people. I think games like Minecraft and Bug Fables stand out because their looks are unconventional and striking, when they came out their looks weren't in any way ubiquitous.

I suppose Undertale's in a weird spot there, its graphics definitely are a lot more rudimentary and honestly just kinda ugly in its tutorial area. But somehow it still works anyway, because it honestly didn't need to be much more. The visuals don't detract from the game, I think. But its spiritual successor certainly did up the ante on visuals, and it is appreciated when it's there.

The biggest difference you'd find in these games is probably the writing tone, the writing in Bug Fables manages to stick very closely to "Nintendo Standards and Practices", I suppose, which makes sense as it's trying to emulate Paper Mario. Deltarune is more risque than that, some of it is definitely thirsty, but it never gets overtly vulgar.

I used to have that Spot game! Weird how it's just this common household game that a lot of people from this era know of, but never discuss, because what is there to really say? As a game itself it's bad! But kids don't really care about that I guess, they don't have to discern. That discerning nature comes later, both with deeper appreciation for the good but also without the ability to find joy in the joyless.

I'm surprised anyone would get lost in the worlds of FF, they always seemed incoherent to me! Says I, after having gotten way too invested in the world of Bugsnax.

Speaking of immersing, I want to immerse myself into the identity of Clarence Lardbottom by crushing various people and animals under my titillatingly jiggly bosom. I consume their still-beating hearts voraciously, them trickling down my pulsating, oozing mass of flesh. I want to imagine the haggard breath seeping from my virtual mouth as I check on the PC what interests my virtual girlfriend has, deeply wishing I could be said girlfriend and be dating Clarence Lardbottom. Then he shows up for our date, unwashed and wearing his underwear, and he orders a glass of water, stammers and belches, beads of sweat flowing from his shining forehead into his armpits, and then we passionately make out on top of the table in the middle of the restaurant. He then rips off his crusty underwear and... BEST ENDING.

Slothboy2531~2Y

This guy does a lot of reviews of portable gaming devices, including ones specifically for retro games: [LINK]

penguintoastfishfrog10~2Y

I still enjoy the older FF games and other games from my childhood, but they have certainly lost a bit of that magical appeal for me. They don't hold my interest for as long as they used to - I go back, play a few hours, think "oh this is neat" and then get bored and move on to something else. I guess that is a part of getting older, not having as much time to devote to video games as I used to and it's just not going to feel as special as when I was a kid.

Nowadays I try to do things to make those older games a bit more interesting, like imposing certain challenges or restrictions on myself; this helps me to appreciate the game as if it is new again and I enjoy it a lot more. I also keep meaning to try out some mods, specifically Brave New World for FF6 and New Threat for FF7 - I have heard very good things about both and they should freshen the experience somewhat.

Regarding that retro handheld thing - I guess it's kinda cool but it's not something I'd go for myself - the emulators and ROMs are readily available to download on my laptop, for free, and it's probably exactly as legal as that handheld device.

Oh, I guess I am a Patron now! Hope the alpha testing is going well - I would still be very eager to join in the testing if you're still looking for people! Shall I shoot you a message on Patreon?

Nowadays I try to do things to make those older games a bit more interesting, like imposing certain challenges or restrictions on myself; this helps me to appreciate the game as if it is new again and I enjoy it a lot more. I also keep meaning to try out some mods, specifically Brave New World for FF6 and New Threat for FF7 - I have heard very good things about both and they should freshen the experience somewhat.

Regarding that retro handheld thing - I guess it's kinda cool but it's not something I'd go for myself - the emulators and ROMs are readily available to download on my laptop, for free, and it's probably exactly as legal as that handheld device.

Oh, I guess I am a Patron now! Hope the alpha testing is going well - I would still be very eager to join in the testing if you're still looking for people! Shall I shoot you a message on Patreon?

Tobias 1115~2Y

Sorry about the delay - while focusing on checking tester feedback, I've neglected comments here for days - but I am still interested in getting more testers if you're willing to help out! Sending a message on Patreon's probably best, though I'll likely check on Monday.

I get why other people use mods and challenge runs, though for me I suppose analysing things as a developer myself maybe plays the same role? It certainly makes the experience different to how it was in the past.

Those retro handheld things seemed interesting to me because I could play them without being rooted to my PC, and I feel that using a gamepad-style of input massively improves the experience... though I've been realising recently that way more people use and actually prefer keyboard inputs, which I can't say I understand!

penguintoastfishfrog10~2Y

Don't apologise - I'm awful at replying to people and anyway, I'm pretty busy this week and unlikely to be able to get stuck into any proper testing until Friday at the earliest so there really is no rush. I was just anxious that I was already too late for alpha testing, but if it's gonna go on for a while yet then yeah no rush.

I do get that about wanting to play games away from the PC, especially when you primarily work on your PC. It's hard to break away from that association that PC = Work. It's why I've always preferred consoles over PC gaming, as a console is JUST for games (well, mostly, I do sometimes use it for Netflix, but still). On a PC there are countless things you can do besides gaming, so it's easier to get distracted and not be able to totally zone out and get stuck into a game.

A lot of emulators actually run great on any bog-standard smartphone, which is an option if you want to game away from PC, although it has a similar problem of being easily distracted - often, rather than gaming, I mindless scroll on my phone and waste hours - its weird, I love gaming, but often I lack the drive and motivation to actually sit down and get started in a game, and do nothing but game for a couple of hours.

But anyway, recently I've struggled to find the time/motivation to sit down and play a console game (I was playing FFVII Remake on PS5 but haven't touched it in weeks), but gaming on my mobile has helped me squeeze in chunks of gaming here and there, as it's much more pick-up-and-play.

I downloaded a GBA emulator, the beautifully named "Pizza Boy GBA Basic", as it was as far as I could see the only GBA emulator on the Google Play Store that was both 1) Free and 2) not riddled with ads. It does have a paid version "Pizza Boy GBA Pro" but I can't even think what that upgrade would include, since Basic seems to do everything it needs to do, with no ads.

I'm loving this emulator, and despite not liking mobile games or mobile controls generally, the controls are instantly familiar and easy to use. When in portrait, the button layout is exactly like I'm holding an original Game Boy, so it was really comfortable to play.

I've been playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance - I love the original Tactics (well, War of the Lions to be specific), never played its sequels, and I want to tick off all, or as many as I can, of the Final Fantasy games I've never played (I've completed all the numbered entries except 11 and 14, so I'm moving on to sequels and spin-offs).

It's been great fun, and the portability means I've made much more progress than if it was on a home console or PC. It's not as good as the first Tactics - far sillier - but fun nonetheless. And I think I enjoy the job and ability system more in this game than in the first. Think I'm approaching the end now and I'm already thinking about what I may play next on this emulator.

I'm itching to play through the early Final Fantasies again, and it occurred to me that all the FFs 1-6, excluding 3, have a GBA port, so this would be a great way to play them.

I do get that about wanting to play games away from the PC, especially when you primarily work on your PC. It's hard to break away from that association that PC = Work. It's why I've always preferred consoles over PC gaming, as a console is JUST for games (well, mostly, I do sometimes use it for Netflix, but still). On a PC there are countless things you can do besides gaming, so it's easier to get distracted and not be able to totally zone out and get stuck into a game.

A lot of emulators actually run great on any bog-standard smartphone, which is an option if you want to game away from PC, although it has a similar problem of being easily distracted - often, rather than gaming, I mindless scroll on my phone and waste hours - its weird, I love gaming, but often I lack the drive and motivation to actually sit down and get started in a game, and do nothing but game for a couple of hours.

But anyway, recently I've struggled to find the time/motivation to sit down and play a console game (I was playing FFVII Remake on PS5 but haven't touched it in weeks), but gaming on my mobile has helped me squeeze in chunks of gaming here and there, as it's much more pick-up-and-play.

I downloaded a GBA emulator, the beautifully named "Pizza Boy GBA Basic", as it was as far as I could see the only GBA emulator on the Google Play Store that was both 1) Free and 2) not riddled with ads. It does have a paid version "Pizza Boy GBA Pro" but I can't even think what that upgrade would include, since Basic seems to do everything it needs to do, with no ads.

I'm loving this emulator, and despite not liking mobile games or mobile controls generally, the controls are instantly familiar and easy to use. When in portrait, the button layout is exactly like I'm holding an original Game Boy, so it was really comfortable to play.

I've been playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance - I love the original Tactics (well, War of the Lions to be specific), never played its sequels, and I want to tick off all, or as many as I can, of the Final Fantasy games I've never played (I've completed all the numbered entries except 11 and 14, so I'm moving on to sequels and spin-offs).

It's been great fun, and the portability means I've made much more progress than if it was on a home console or PC. It's not as good as the first Tactics - far sillier - but fun nonetheless. And I think I enjoy the job and ability system more in this game than in the first. Think I'm approaching the end now and I'm already thinking about what I may play next on this emulator.

I'm itching to play through the early Final Fantasies again, and it occurred to me that all the FFs 1-6, excluding 3, have a GBA port, so this would be a great way to play them.

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