PERSONAL

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Makers and Madness

2 years ago1,231 words

Creators having breakdowns and turning on - or seeking to hide away from - their 'fans' seems to be a not-uncommon thing!

I saw this comic on Reddit this morning:



And immediately recognised it as Sinfest, one of the webcomics that was on the list I checked through every day back when that was a thing in my life (these days I only check Order of the Stick every few days; are webcomics a dead artform, or have I just got old?).

I recall it starting off fairly lewd, crude, and lowbrow, drawing humour from pimps and hos and the like - as a lot of content seemed to in the, what, mid 2000's? - but it underwent this drastic transformation into politics, specifically hardcore feminism - with the world being depicted as a Matrix-like Patriarchy, with all women being simultaneously weak and oppressed and strong and flawless, while all men were essentially exploitative predators driven by base urges - so it's not exactly shocking seeing that the creator's now turned his attention to what seems to be some kind of general LGBT - specifically trans - cultural critique, or whatever this is?

I looked into the comments a bit, where someone linked to ∞ this write-up about the creator's descent into madness over the years ∞, and how he "ended up with a tiny group of hardcore supporters through his increasingly transparent contempt for his audience".

It's a pattern that seems to repeat. I seem to recall the same happened with creators like Notch of Minecraft fame, and Andrew Hussie of Homestuck... and of course it happened to me, too (though obviously I'm not on the same level as any of these people).

That post describes how Sinfest's creator - Tatsuya Ishida - initially interacted with his community, but his content began to upset them, they took that frustration out on him, and he - like the coward he was!! - reacted to it by shutting down his forums and making a smaller one only for the spineless arse-kissers who agreed with him. He should have toughed it out in the battledome LIKE A MAN!! Or bent over to do everything the fans wanted, as if they're all in agreement anyway!

I know the post doesn't word it exactly like that, but this was the (probably warped, but based on many comments I'd actually received) impression I once got of how people were 'probably thinking' of my own running from my turned-toxic community to hide in smaller, invite-only ones for the few who wouldn't give me panic attacks when I woke up to their posts or site-hacking after every fitful night of headachey half-sleep.

People in the comments on that linked thread speculate that maybe it's isolation that does this to creators; they mention Notch as an example, gradually turning into some mouth-foaming QAnon nutjob as he sat in his cavernous mansion alone, presumably in a large, tall armchair in his underpants, swilling a glass of wine...

But based on personal experience, I just think it's a fairly natural end result of having the kind of sensitive temperament that generally accompanies creativity, and attracting the eyes and criticisms of many thousands of complete strangers, veiled by anonymity. Especially when both the creator and 'fans' are young, their minds not yet fully grown, and the enormous amount of attention they get is fairly sudden, and they have no practice or training to help them deal with it.

Typically we might have disagreements with a single individual, a friend, family member, or colleague, who we know to some extent. And they can grow stressful, but that stress is limited by the limited social scope of the situation. Most people just don't know what it's like to have many complete strangers directing their attention at them, one after the other, with no reprieve. It'd drive most people to some kind of madness, probably. Especially if you want to please them all, but also want to please yourself by following a personal vision, which is literally impossible when they're not in agreement.

(Though I also think I personally was especially poorly equipped to deal with any large scale social commitments, having come from a broken home that left me with a ton of other issues.)

I've spent the last few years mostly hiding away. I often think that I'd like to start up a new community around my Alora Fane games - I miss people appreciating how much effort I put into engaging with my community, unlike other creators they knew, and I miss just engaging with people, talking! - but I absolutely don't miss waking up stressed every day, afraid of what new mess I'd have to clean up, or having to gulp down several shots of (metaphorical) acid before the day had even begun.

I've talked about this a bunch of times over the years, so to those of you who've been reading this blog for a while - probably the only people who are left now - maybe I just sound like a broken record. I suppose things like this just remind me of it all, so I'm venting to get it off my mind.

And I know that my recent mental issues have been due to the fear of getting back into it. Like growing up with a horrendously abusive family, or being married to an abusive partner, and being told that, years after finding your way out, you'll need to go back to that in a bit. Maybe most people would FREAK OUT if in that position, or they'd look for ways out?

I'd like to think that maybe I've avoided becoming as... controversial as people like Tatsuya Ishida, at least in the sense of continuing to do it into the present, but... I know for certain at least some groups of people out there have talked about me very negatively - hoping for my suicide and the like - which is a difficult reality to acknowledge. But I mostly avoid even looking into any of it, and hope I'm so obscure that scripting vitriolic dissections of my myriad sins won't get enough clicks to be worth the effort, or whatever.

I keep worrying that if I start promoting myself, I'll be met with things like "hey, aren't you the guy who [insert terrible thing I've done or said here]?"... but I'm probably - hopefully - overestimating my impact, how many people were ever even aware I existed. It's probably only a few hundred people, and most of them have grown up... I hope.

But even on this tiny, out-of-the-way blog, I still get at least a couple of trolls posting venom every so often, reminding me of what I'm trying to escape.

So the idea of switching over to some mediocre, entirely-out-of-the-way life doing something relatively mundane in peaceful isolation appeals to me more and more... but the creative urge is strong, I know I have to make things or else I'd go mad, and then it feels such a shame that I can't share the joy I feel from my creations with anyone else...

Oh well. I've been fairly productive today, at least! Hopefully I can keep it up for the rest of the week too.