PERSONAL

0

4,018

Why People Kill Themselves

8 years ago1,458 words

I've been thinking a lot about suicide recently, again. To better understand why my mind would be lingering in this area so much, I've been reading a book explaining the factors that contribute to people wanting to no longer be alive...

It's a book quite bluntly titled "Why People Die by Suicide", by Thomas Joiner, a researcher who was moved to study suicide after his father killed himself. From his studies of many cases of people who've wanted to end their lives or who actually went through with it, he's identified three broad factors that converge on this decision: a lack of belongingness, a lack of effectiveness, and sufficient practice with self-harm that the self-preservation instincts can be overcome.

The first factor, a lack of belongingness, is a lack of connection to other people. It might be that the person knows lots of people, but doesn't share a worthwhile, intimate connection with any of them, or perhaps they know nobody at all. It's a feeling of being cut off, of disconnection, of loneliness... I know from much experience how painful this feeling can be. This deficiency need can be fulfilled by connections with friends, romantic partners, or by being part of something larger than oneself such as a company, club, charity, etc.

The second factor is a lack of 'effectiveness', which is the belief that the person isn't contributing anything of worth. That the fruit of their time and efforts are pointless, or even detrimental. It can manifest as a feeling that they're just a burden on others. Someone wouldn't feel this way if they believed that their output was making a positive difference in others' lives.

These two factors combined might create the desire to die, but actually going through with it seems to require an enormous amount of strength. Staying alive is the most fundamental instinct that we have, and even people who believe they don't fear death seem to struggle a lot to actually deal damage to themselves. It seems that suicide is something that requires practice; it's the final performance after a long buildup, not something that comes out of the blue.



Speaking from personal experience, I desire to die because I feel I don't belong - I never have - and that what I do is pointless, and I'm such a difficult person that the world would be better off without me. It feels unfair of me to say this, considering the number of people who've tried to boost my spirits by telling me my games had made a positive impact on their lives or the world. It does always help to hear such things, and those are the comments I cling to in my mind when I'm feeling at my lowest (even though I'm terrible at actually responding to them and end up feeling bad about the one-sidedness of it all), and yet they don't feel enough to actually make me feel connected or worthwhile.

I cling too tightly to my only in-person friend because my relationship with her offers an opportunity for feelings of connection, and I like the thought of being able to help her because that makes me feel like I have a purpose, a reason to live.

But recently we fell out, and it mentally destroyed me because it was as if the threads I was hanging by snapped, and I no longer had anything to fulfill these needs. I've had one of the worst weeks of my life because of this, and it's led to me thinking a lot about how I might end it all, and to embarrassing myself thoroughly too.

We have a class as part of this psychology course which involves giving short public speeches to a small group, and I've done quite well in it so far. It's a bit awkward, but I might even go so far as to say I usually quite like it. However... I was supposed to prepare and present a speech on Wednesday, but with all this mental Hell I'd been through, I wasn't able to find the time. Instead I got up in front of a bunch of strangers (I've only seen this group once; the groups change each semester) and pretty much talked about my problems. I sensed within seconds that this kind of oversharing was exactly the wrong thing to do, that it was completely socially inappropriate, like getting up and dancing around naked, commenting on the shape of my genitalia, but I continued on for five minutes anyway, watching their deeply uncomfortable faces and wishing I could just disappear. One of the most embarrassing things in my life; I've been cringing about it ever since, to the point of muttering odd fragments of thoughts under my breath constantly. The worst part was the speech evaluator - a fellow student - 'kindly' telling me my presentation skills are good but that it 'wasn't really appropriate', and then handing me an evaluation sheet with abysmal 'grades' and a comment that "this is university", as if chiding me for not taking things seriously or letting my personal problems get in the way of 'professional' commitments... which I suppose is exactly what happened.

I've been feeling as if I'm handling my issues like a child. Or rather, I've been feeling that it comes across that way. Like I've had a bit of a bad day, and blow that out of proportion. But from my perspective, it's more like slipping increasingly further away from sanity and into a dark pit of madness... or something. To the point where I can't begin to care about trivial things like my future. I can't even form thoughts clearly anymore. I genuinely feel I'm going insane, and I have for a while. This is what happens when you're far too cut off from others, when you spend all your time in your head. You feel like - or perhaps it wouldn't be wrong to say you become - an alien, rarely venturing into a world you feel completely detached from.

On another note, I spent a lot of time worrying recently about a trip to Korea over the Summer, which both my friend and I applied for. I assumed she'd get accepted for it and I wouldn't, after my interview didn't go as well as I might have hoped. Turns out though that both of us did get in, and I should be excited about this... But I feel empty, or concerned; worried that even though I'll give it my all, that it's an opportunity to truly grow as a person and break out of my shell, I'll just fail to get along with others - as I always have - and be reminded that there's no place in this world for me. Or perhaps I won't even last until June, when it is.

I feel like I'm going insane, but I'm sane enough to watch it happening, and that feels worse than just losing my mind completely... I cringe hard knowing what I should be like, while watching myself behave in ways at odds with that. It's maddening.

Anyway, I've gone off topic, started talking about myself again... I really do feel disconnected and ineffectual though. And the worst thing is that those feelings are difficult to remedy; if you feel that nobody will want you, then you're hardly going to seek them out...

I keep thinking about my potential, all the things I did before I was 20, all the things I could have done if I'd continued down that same path. Other people have pointed this out, pointed out how impressive it was that I made my MARDEK games by myself and everything, and when I mention my achievements to new people now they seem quite taken aback by how unusually impressive it all is. I think of the path I could have travelled if only my mind wasn't in the way, if only circumstance hadn't torn me away from what few connections I had, if only I'd met the right people I truly clicked with and could have collaborated with or enjoyed being alive with.

I wonder how many people truly feel that they belong, though... Or at least feel that their need for belongingness is met. I wonder how many feel that they're in some way 'effective', or at least not a burden. Most, I'd assume.

Anyway... There are little positive spikes in my life now and again, but for the most part I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. I feel like everything I do is a cry for help... but also that it'll never lead to what I feel I want...

But at least I've not harmed myself yet.