Alora Fane

New Year's Resolutions! A chance for a life revision, as I see it. How well did I achieve last year's? And what do I hope for from this year?

First, my 2022 resolutions:

❌ Earn at least as much as I did in 2021

In 2021, I earned £11,113. In 2022, hmm...

£8,788, apparently. Down about 20% from last year. Though I'm surprised it's that high, honestly. About half of it's from Patreon, and MARDEK's still selling a few dozen copies a month, making up the bulk of the other half.

27 copies of Memody: Sindrel Song sold in 2022 for US$159 (~£132). Wow. Sad though that that's better than the bulk of indie games will ever do.

For reference, if I were on the dole (benefits, or 'Universal Credit' as the government website seems to call it?), I'd be getting about £4000 a year. So it's more than that.

If I were a hairdresser - one of the lowest income professions in the UK, based on some website Google just spat up - I'd be getting about £15,000 a year. So it's less than that.

❌ Run a Kickstarter for Atonal Dreams

I feel like I'm close, but not quite there yet. Just a lot of thinking and writing about it. Hopefully soon??

✔ Also run another alpha test

I actually did two! Gasp!

❌ Port at least one old game to Steam

I came close to porting CBC towards the end of the year, but fell into a mental pit instead. Considering that MARDEK's still bringing in money, maybe it's worth looking into this port again though.

❌ Finish putting music albums on Bandcamp

I've been thinking a lot about putting them on YouTube instead - it comes up every day in my mind - but I just assume it'd be more effort than it's worth because nobody would care, or I'd be wasting an opportunity for potential monetisation, or something, but... ehh. I don't know. I only got as far as creating a new sub-channel, but I haven't uploaded anything to it yet.

I did at the very least put one album on Bandcamp last year?? Another wow.

❌ Compose 20 pieces of music

Hmm! Let's see...

Apparently I only have 16 finished compositions from this year, though a handful of half- or unfinished ones. Disappointing; I thought I'd composed more. I'm proud of most of them, though, and a couple top my list of my favourite compositions. So that's something.

I apparently composed 17 pieces last year adding up to 42 minutes, and this year's 16 pieces add up to 57 minutes. So fewer pieces but more music, I suppose.

✔ Get used to posting on Reddit regularly(ish)

It took most of the year, but I'm actually getting better at this. Not really fearing it like I used to. Still some anxiety about saying the wrong things, not fitting in, or being ignored relative to others, but it's a work in progress. I posted a handful of times yesterday and today.

✔ Get a new PC!!

I did this!! It sat unopened for an embarrassingly long time though, for reasons I can't recall. It runs so much more smoothly than the clunky thing I was using before.

❌ Move Out

Not yet, unfortunately.

❌ See a therapist

Embarrassing that I put this off all year. I've made some moves towards doing it, but got put off by a phone call being the only way of setting it up. I think that's stupid. Like needing to climb a ladder to get a wheelchair.

❌ Do some volunteering!

I wanted to see a therapist (or more likely a counsellor) first, so I could find out about any opportunities from them. So since I didn't do that, I didn't do this either.

❌ Play 20 games

I wish I'd been making notes about the games I've played this year, but I haven't. Let's see what I can remember, probably not in chronological order:

- Pokemon Legends: Arceus

- Chrono Cross Remake + Radical Dreamers (I'll count those as one even though they're technically two separate games)

- Aperture Desk Job - some free thing (I think it was more of a tech demo than an actualy game?) that I played in like an hour in March and only remembered about when checking my Steam library just now

- LEGO: Builder's Journey

- Final Fantasy VII

- The Eternal Cylinder - Did I ever write about this one? A quirky, intriguing thing

- Live A Live Remake

- Horizon: Zero Dawn

- Pokemon Violet

- Child of Light (I started this during my depressive December slump and finished hours before 2022 did; I had a decent enough time with it)

I also spent some time replaying emulated old games like Super Mario World, Wario Land, and I think Commander Keen (and some ancient DOS game from my childhood called Secret Agent which I wouldn't expect anyone to know of), though those don't really count, in my mind.

So what's that, ten? Ten point something? About half of what I intended. And no indies! (Child of Light felt like one, but its credits suggested otherwise.)

So that's 3 out of 12, a 25% success rate. Unimpressive! But better than 0, so that's something, right? Right?? Making these lists isn't pointless, is it???

2023 Goals

These will mostly be similar to previous years:

See a counsellor

I'm intending to make enquiries about this next week.

Get some experience with employment, or at least volunteering

This could be in the real world, or remote gig-type stuff like Fiverr. Ideally something to get out of the house though.

Make socially engaging online a regular habit

It used to be, but hasn't been for a few years. I've already made steps towards this over the past month or so; I just need to cement them as a habit.

Connect with other indie devs

This would be a part of that.

Make a friend?

By friend I mean someone who's not (initially) a fan of my games, like someone I'd meet through some mental-health-related space. Ideally someone I could meet up with in person. Someone I could message relatively regularly. I don't know what the chances of actually finding such a person are, but they seem higher than finding a partner (which is what I'd prefer).

Earn more money than I did in 2022

Shouldn't be too high a bar... but I said that last year and failed to surpass it.

Move out

I don't know what the chances of this are, but I might as well add it anyway.

Learn to drive

I've heard that getting a car unlocks a lot of freedom and opportunities that would be worthwhile to at least get a taste of. I started learning in Australia when I was around 18 or so, but gave it up when I moved back to the UK, and never had any reason to resume lessons because I never go anywhere (plus my anxiety was worse than ever). Might be a big step towards overcoming my life of isolation though.

Run a Kickstarter for Atonal Dreams

Should happen soon, hopefully.

Play at least 10 indie games, and at least 20 games total

This combines goals from the previous two years, both of which I failed to achieve, so... let's see how that goes. Maybe I should actually start making a list of them this time too.

Port at least one old game to Steam

Likely Clarence's Big Chance, but if I can get that working, maybe porting a compilation of my other old unfinished projects would be worthwhile too.

Try yoga again

This was a goal I failed to achieve for 2021. There's a yoga group that meets in the community hall right next to my house, and I've thought a few times about joining in... though I'm aware I'm the elusive weirdo adult step-son of the caretaker, which makes things awkward, plus it mostly seems to be elderly people (the hall's entrance is right outside my kitchen window, so I see them arriving).

I've done yoga in the past, though back then I hoped then that I could find connections through it. This time I'd be more interested in any fitness benefits, since I don't exactly exercise ever.

Get into lucid dreaming or astrally projecting

If I could have at least one more lucid dream in 2023, I'll consider this a success, but I'd also love to astrally project, which is supposedly a different but related phenomenon. You might not believe it's an actual thing, but I'm curious and open-minded enough to at least try the suggested techniques so I can find out for myself. To achieve success requires practice, though, so I'll need to find the time and discipline for that.

Post at least some of my music on YouTube

Since I think about it all the time, I might as well at least see what happens, to test the accuracy of my assumptions if nothing else.

So yes! There! Good! I hope I can do better than a 25% success rate this time!

5 COMMENTS

EZSPECIAL1~2Y

Teenage Mardek player here (30y now), I've been following the blog the last month and wanted to add my contribution to the "people who really enjoyed Mardek" pile. And now for a story about my own health which might give some inspiration/validation.
I was at a low point in mid 2021, filled with self-loathing and a very broken ego (I had a very high image of myself before) and did volunteering for the first time ever because of it, with the idea of it being a good way to eventually spring back. I can attest, for me at least, that it worked wonders, I started therapy (not the first time) in April and volunteering in May of the same year and the combo was very validating and worked wonders on other goals for the year. 2023 is actually the first year I'm setting formal goals since beforehand I would never stick to anything besides gaming all day.
I write this to encourage those very goals for your 2023, I believe they are foundational for everything else.
A final heads-up, change is very slow, I spent 6 months getting over a relationship with 3 months of those with weekly therapy, that was "just" a relationship, when the trauma runs deep the work is that much more tough but it is very important imo to keep track of something, just to at least see progress and feel motivated, it's very common to feel like nothing has changed after 1-3 months and it's also very common to feel like it should have changed and have a need for positive feedback. I can only talk about my mechanisms for this type of stuff but what I do is keep track of habits that are fairly indicative of mental health: how many times did I binge eat, how many times did I do hygiene correctly, how many times did I exercise a bit even if just a walk, how many times did I actually try to learn something, bedtime habits, book reading, etc. I did and still do most of these on a monthly count basis and use it as feedback, if I take a look at the data right now it shows irrefutably the very slow build-up to a better day-to-day life, but while the data is parsed in minutes, living through it took actual months, this is why I find it very important for motivation. I also track my mood on a 1-10 scale daily, at the end of the day. This is very customizable of course, and if it ends up feeding emotions of not being enough and whatnot it's better to scrap it altogether, it's a method but not THE method.
Long post but hope it gives some food for thought and here's to an happier 2023!

Teenage Mardek player here (30y now), I've been following the blog the last month and wanted to add my contribution to the "people who really enjoyed Mardek" pile. And now for a story about my own health which might give some inspiration/validation.
I was at a low point in mid 2021, filled with self-loathing and a very broken ego (I had a very high image of myself before)  and did volunteering for the first time ever because of it, with the idea of it being a good way to eventually spring back. I can attest, for me at least, that it worked wonders, I started therapy (not the first time) in April and volunteering in May of the same year and the combo was very validating and worked wonders on other goals for the year. 2023 is actually the first year I'm setting formal goals since beforehand I would never stick to anything besides gaming all day.
I write this to encourage those very goals for your 2023, I believe they are foundational for everything else.
A final heads-up, change is very slow, I spent 6 months getting over a relationship with 3 months of those with weekly therapy, that was "just" a relationship, when the trauma runs deep the work is that much more tough but it is very important imo to keep track of something, just to at least see progress and feel motivated, it's very common to feel like nothing has changed after 1-3 months and it's also very common to feel like it should have changed and have a need for positive feedback. I can only talk about my mechanisms for this type of stuff but what I do is keep track of habits that are fairly indicative of mental health: how many times did I binge eat, how many times did I do hygiene correctly, how many times did I exercise a bit even if just a walk, how many times did I actually try to learn something, bedtime habits, book reading, etc. I did and still do most of these on a monthly count basis and use it as feedback, if I take a look at the data right now it shows irrefutably the very slow build-up to a better day-to-day life, but while the data is parsed in minutes, living through it took actual months, this is why I find it very important for motivation. I also track my mood on a 1-10 scale daily, at the end of the day. This is very customizable of course, and if it ends up feeding emotions of not being enough and whatnot it's better to scrap it altogether, it's a method but not THE method.
Long post but hope it gives some food for thought and here's to an happier 2023!

kidupiscean37~2Y

You have achieved more than 25% really!
1. Those you marked with a cross: those weren't complete failures. You made progress towards the goal, and that shouldn't be discounted as nothing.
2. You achieved other things which you didn't include in your original resolutions.

By the way, would it be possible to start tweeting your posts again? After all, you would want more exposure, not less?

kidupiscean37~2Y

Would a monthly review be useful to you in reminding yourself of the goals and keeping your progress on track? (It'll be different from a weekly review which focuses on what's been done in the past week without the assessment of the progress towards the goals.)

missgms6~2Y

At least your goals were more met than me! Just kidding but seriously, it is a great start in my opinion! If you wish you can ask me some discord server invites to some health care and disability friendly servers made for people with health conditions find friends online btw, as well as servers for gamedevs! Oh and please insist on therapy and yoga! I had gone to therapy lately and its been helping wonders in my life! As for goals themselves, well, it seems like a good list so just focus on doing one at a time and dont worry too much, you are making progress!
Much love and cheers from Brazil, man! You can do it!

solarwinds14931~2Y

Hi Tobias! I’m a fellow INFJ. I was inspired to post by the first poster.
I love your idea for resolutions (the specific and concrete goals to accomplish), I’ll have to borrow and try it.
Similarly I had played Mardek in my teens with my brother. I’d gotten into RPGs as a way of coping, after moving from a different country. Mardek was one of my positive experiences. (Another game I was inspired by was Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door) I seemed always to gravitate towards Fantasy and RPGs.

I cannot stress the benefits of finding a therapist who you get along with. They’ve been doing assessments since I started my recovery from mental health. (I ended up having a breakdown several years back) A generalized anxiety/depression scale showed that several years of being consistent have helped to diminish my depression score. It’s not linear but it used to be twice as bad as it is at the moment.
If it is hard making the initial phone call perhaps it would help breaking it up into smaller steps? When I used to be more socially anxious I had a hard time going to my college gym. I don’t really go to the gym at the moment, but I wouldn’t have anxiety now if I were to do it. I don’t want to seem patronizing, but just talking with someone and creating actionable steps, helped to make it turn into a reality. (It really was not as bad as I was thinking and there were other people who weren’t amazingly fit. I didn’t know that as I was stuck in the mindset of that anxiety. I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture.)

Data is your friend as you shared you had a way of tracking things like your moods over time. I like the idea of tracking if there are any keywords or specific behaviors you do that you aren’t sure about but might like to change. If it helps this might be something you could bring up with your therapist also (though they might need to be versed in technology to understand).

I also can really resonate with your mental health journey. I haven’t had cancer but I’ve had serious mental health. I didn’t mean for this to be so centered upon therapy lol.
I have to admit, I wasn’t sure about Atonal Dreams when I first heard about it. I’m really interested in seeing any of your work. I hope that you have a more positive experience compared with your experiences working on MARDEK.

Best wishes and hoping for a good 2023!

I cannot stress the benefits of finding a therapist who you get along with. They’ve been doing assessments since I started my recovery from mental health. (I ended up having a breakdown several years back) A generalized anxiety/depression scale showed that several years of being consistent have helped to diminish my depression score. It’s not linear but it used to be twice as bad as it is at the moment. 
If it is hard making the initial phone call perhaps it would help breaking it up into smaller steps? When I used to be more socially anxious I had a hard time going to my college gym. I don’t really go to the gym at the moment, but I wouldn’t have anxiety now if I were to do it. I don’t want to seem patronizing, but just talking with someone and creating actionable steps, helped to make it turn into a reality. (It really was not as bad as I was thinking and there were other people who weren’t amazingly fit. I didn’t know that as I was stuck in the mindset of that anxiety. I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture.)

Data is your friend as you shared you had a way of tracking things like your moods over time. I like the idea of tracking if there are any keywords or specific behaviors you do that you aren’t sure about but might like to change. If it helps this might be something you could bring up with your therapist also (though they might need to be versed in technology to understand).

I also can really resonate with your mental health journey. I haven’t had cancer but I’ve had serious mental health. I didn’t mean for this to be so centered upon therapy lol.
I have to admit, I wasn’t sure about Atonal Dreams when I first heard about it. I’m really interested in seeing any of your work. I hope that you have a more positive experience compared with your experiences working on MARDEK.

Best wishes and hoping for a good 2023!