PERSONAL

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710

Thrown Off, Waiting

2 years ago715 words

As I continue to take a break from Atonal Dreams due to an annoyingly prolonged flare-up of my mental health issues, I've been channeling my creativity into a side project which draws on other side projects from last year and games I've made or been inspired by in the past...

I originally wrote a much longer post summarising that project on the weekend, but I suppose a part of the flare-up of mental issues I've been going through lately is the assumption that other people won't like - and will criticise and reject - my ideas, so I refrained from posting it, and I'm posting this massively trimmed-down version of the post on Wednesday instead. Bleh.

It bothers me that I've yet to get back into a regular schedule of work and posting about it! I don't seem to be the only one - I've seen a couple of YouTube videos where creators talked about being thrown off by the holidays - but still, I'm annoyed by it.

Though I suppose I've not done any meaningful work on Atonal Dreams for maybe a couple of months now, because the next step is to promote it, and I'm avoiding that due largely to trauma from running a toxic online community in the past.

I've sought out mental health help, but I was told in a phone call with a doctor early last week that I'd get another call about that on 'either Thursday or Friday' (presumably of that week, not this one)... which I never got. So I'm still waiting for that. If I haven't heard from them in a couple of days, I'll have to reach out again. Ugh.

I spoke with a friend who said these delays are common in healthcare, and with mental health in particular, plus the weather around here's been ridiculous lately - the streets and houses were covered in fallen snow for the first time that I can remember, and my window was just loudly being pelted with hail - so maybe staff were missing work and that got in the way of things somehow too. I don't know.

The thought that I could get a phone call any minute that I'll have to drop everything to answer in seconds makes it hard to focus on anything, though. I originally got in touch with the GP's surgery via text using an app they specifically ask you to use, so why do they need to call at all?? Ugh.

I'm hoping that when I do get help again, just having someone I can 'report to' could potentially take the edge off the stress... though I still fear promotion more generally, since anyone who puts themselves in the public eye has to be ready to deal with vitriol - that's just the nature of the beast - and (in case this isn't abundantly clear from most of my recent blog posts) I really don't have the temperament or support network to endure it (again).

I've been thinking constantly recently about what quiet, out-of-the-way thing I could do instead. Maybe something that'd actually earn money more reliably. But I also have a strong need to make stuff, and I've spent a long time developing various creative skills to a point where it makes the most sense to use them somehow, so it's such a shame that I can't share what I enjoy with others without at least a few human demons setting their sometimes terrifyingly tenacious sights on me.

This side project was an idea that could perhaps get around some of the barriers that are currently in the way; something I could get to a releasable state relatively quickly and wouldn't have to do marketing for in the same way. Maybe I'll describe it in a Patreon post at some point or something... though I haven't even checked the comments on my last post there due to mental issues. Hmm.

Anyway, I feel like I'm just waiting to hear back from the doctor at this point. I'll probably continue working on this side project - I've done about three weeks of very-unfocused work on it and I'd say the major gameplay loop is almost done - but it's hard to focus in general even when I sit down and try to. Frustrating.