Alora Fane

As I continue to take a break from Atonal Dreams due to an annoyingly prolonged flare-up of my mental health issues, I've been channeling my creativity into a side project which draws on other side projects from last year and games I've made or been inspired by in the past...

I originally wrote a much longer post summarising that project on the weekend, but I suppose a part of the flare-up of mental issues I've been going through lately is the assumption that other people won't like - and will criticise and reject - my ideas, so I refrained from posting it, and I'm posting this massively trimmed-down version of the post on Wednesday instead. Bleh.

It bothers me that I've yet to get back into a regular schedule of work and posting about it! I don't seem to be the only one - I've seen a couple of YouTube videos where creators talked about being thrown off by the holidays - but still, I'm annoyed by it.

Though I suppose I've not done any meaningful work on Atonal Dreams for maybe a couple of months now, because the next step is to promote it, and I'm avoiding that due largely to trauma from running a toxic online community in the past.

I've sought out mental health help, but I was told in a phone call with a doctor early last week that I'd get another call about that on 'either Thursday or Friday' (presumably of that week, not this one)... which I never got. So I'm still waiting for that. If I haven't heard from them in a couple of days, I'll have to reach out again. Ugh.

I spoke with a friend who said these delays are common in healthcare, and with mental health in particular, plus the weather around here's been ridiculous lately - the streets and houses were covered in fallen snow for the first time that I can remember, and my window was just loudly being pelted with hail - so maybe staff were missing work and that got in the way of things somehow too. I don't know.

The thought that I could get a phone call any minute that I'll have to drop everything to answer in seconds makes it hard to focus on anything, though. I originally got in touch with the GP's surgery via text using an app they specifically ask you to use, so why do they need to call at all?? Ugh.

I'm hoping that when I do get help again, just having someone I can 'report to' could potentially take the edge off the stress... though I still fear promotion more generally, since anyone who puts themselves in the public eye has to be ready to deal with vitriol - that's just the nature of the beast - and (in case this isn't abundantly clear from most of my recent blog posts) I really don't have the temperament or support network to endure it (again).

I've been thinking constantly recently about what quiet, out-of-the-way thing I could do instead. Maybe something that'd actually earn money more reliably. But I also have a strong need to make stuff, and I've spent a long time developing various creative skills to a point where it makes the most sense to use them somehow, so it's such a shame that I can't share what I enjoy with others without at least a few human demons setting their sometimes terrifyingly tenacious sights on me.

This side project was an idea that could perhaps get around some of the barriers that are currently in the way; something I could get to a releasable state relatively quickly and wouldn't have to do marketing for in the same way. Maybe I'll describe it in a Patreon post at some point or something... though I haven't even checked the comments on my last post there due to mental issues. Hmm.

Anyway, I feel like I'm just waiting to hear back from the doctor at this point. I'll probably continue working on this side project - I've done about three weeks of very-unfocused work on it and I'd say the major gameplay loop is almost done - but it's hard to focus in general even when I sit down and try to. Frustrating.

4 COMMENTS

Lordofsea19~2Y

Have you considered practicing mindfulness?

Tobias 1115~2Y

I've read several books about mindfulness and been to two 8-week-long in-person mindfulness retreats. Back then, I was so into meditation etc that I felt like I'd had a 'spiritual awakening' and seen the end of the mental issues once and for all.

Then I found some real-world friends, and found out I had brain cancer, which both got in the way of keeping up with that. Now it's just a faded memory.

I try meditating every so often, to rekindle what I once found, but I struggle to get into it these days even though I know all the techniques.

Do you practise mindfulness?

Lordofsea19~2Y

Yes. But it took me a long time to get to the point where I was mentally ready to practice it seriously. I won't get into that whole process. But during this last month I have been getting up at 06.00 every morning, and spend between 30-45 minutes practicing.

I wouldn't say I'm very "good" at it yet, but the progress of these things are hard to measure. What I have noticed, is increased concentration and productivity at work - and that it's becoming easier every day to "catch the thoughts" whenever I get a mental impulse that might launch a panic attack - and then let go of them. I am generally more stable and satisfied. I wouldn't say "happy" per se - as I consider joy and bliss as appearances in consciousness much like any negative emotion.

Whenever I try to examine whatever I'm feeling, it tends to fade away. I find this very liberating. It's as if I can act on the moments of happiness and recognize the negative emotions as transitory, if that makes sense to you.

Like you mentioned, I am becoming convinced that this is the road for a better life - and that it really can be a solution to mental anguish. I had a panic attack the other day - and I was able to not get fully absorbed by the thought, and managed to take the moment to examine what exactly I was feeling. I couldn't find anything except for a slightly sour-feeling stomach. So then it faded.

I'd love to go more into the meat and detail of this topic, but I don't want to get preachy (or worse, boring). I don't really discuss meditation and mindfulness with other people. It's mostly a private matter to me. But here I am anonymous anyway, so.

I'll attach a link below. It'll give you a free month of the Waking Upp app, which contains guided meditations and lectures. I assume you've already looked into it, but if you haven't, I would encourage you to try it out and see how it works for you.

[LINK]

I wouldn't say I'm very "good" at it yet, but the progress of  these things are hard to measure. What I have noticed, is increased concentration and productivity at work - and that it's becoming easier every day to "catch the thoughts" whenever I get a mental impulse that might launch a panic attack - and then let go of them.  I am generally more stable and satisfied. I wouldn't say "happy" per se - as I consider joy and bliss as appearances in consciousness much like any negative emotion.

Whenever I try to examine whatever I'm feeling, it tends to fade away. I find this very liberating. It's as if I can act on the moments of happiness and recognize the negative emotions as transitory, if that makes sense to you.

Like you mentioned, I am becoming convinced that this is the road for a better life - and that it really can be a solution to mental anguish. I had a panic attack the other day - and I was able to not get fully absorbed by the thought, and managed to take the moment to examine what exactly I was feeling. I couldn't find anything except for a slightly sour-feeling stomach. So then it faded.

I'd love to go more into the meat and detail of this topic, but I don't want to get preachy (or worse, boring). I don't really discuss meditation and mindfulness with other people. It's mostly a private matter to me. But here I am anonymous anyway, so.

I'll attach a link below. It'll give you a free month of the Waking Upp app, which contains guided meditations and lectures. I assume you've already looked into it, but if you haven't, I would encourage you to try it out and see how it works for you.

https://dynamic.wakingup.com/shareOpenAccess/SC7172602

missgms7~2Y

Ah man, worry not about the vitriol online! If you are not a creep or Andrew Tate then people will support ya if a dork tries bothering you! As for the weather, how I wish I had snow in my place! Never saw it before, wish I could see it one day, but I bet it is inconvenient too, I had hailstorms here too and they are always chaotic!