Alora Fane

Nothing much to report this week, but I want to get back into the habit of posting these every weekend, so...!

I already posted earlier in the week, and nothing's really changed since then, but keeping a schedule is important and I've fallen out of that habit lately. Hopefully this is the start of a new run of relative reliability.

I wasn't able to focus on Atonal Dreams or my side project thing this week, despite trying. So that was frustrating. I haven't been feeling as bad, really, just... struggling to focus, or to get back on the horse after falling off, because it's easier to just distract myself by drawing pictures with my finger in the sand. Something like that.

I spent much of the week waiting for a call regarding counselling... which I still haven't got, so I'll have to contact the doctor again on Monday. Also frustrating!

I didn't spend the entire week staring at a wall, though. I tried composing some music, and got really into it, finishing 8 short (~1 minute) pieces this week! I'm quite pleased with that. Too bad it's not something I could monetise. I wish I could produce something people would actually want to see that rapidly instead of making games that take months or years.

I also played a few hours of (the Switch version of) the remake/remaster/whatever of Crisis Core, which was apparently recently released? I never played the original, despite wanting to (I thought it was for the PSP or something, but Wikipedia says it was on the PS2, so why did I never get it?), and I'm intending to finally tackle the FFVII Remake soon so it made sense.

It's okay. Really anime-hammy, in a way that's made me laugh (at rather than with it) a few times and which makes me feel a bit better maybe about my own imperfect efforts, maybe. Graphically phenomenal though. I've rendered all battles completely trivial with moderate side-questing though, so that's a bit annoying. I know I could increase the difficulty setting.

I'd write more about it, but... eh. Can't be bothered, and I doubt anyone cares.

I'm not sure what exactly to do next week. It's tough to get back on track after being so completely thrown off. I suppose contacting the doctor again will be where I can start.

12 COMMENTS

MontyCallay101~2Y

Why not upload the music here anyway or share it on Reddit somewhere where there's a positive atmosphere? You might not be able to monetise it straight away, but I'm sure people are interested in hearing it!

Tobias 1115~2Y

I keep wondering whether to do that anyway, but the feedback I'd get - or lack thereof - would affect how I'd perceive my own music (I still remember comments people made about certain pieces years ago whenever I hear them), potentially removing any beneficial effects listening to it could have for me. So it doesn't seem worth the risk.

It's a shame, though. I used to love sharing things just for the joy of showing others. I hate how beaten down I've become over the years.

MontyCallay101~2Y

It's unfortunate, I agree! A lot of your side projects nowadays seem to be things you'd rather keep to yourself due to that anxiety about people's responses. I certainly hope that there's a way to get past that, so that you can recapture that sense of joy for yourself!

Perhaps it's simply that your personal tastes have developed to the extent where the projects you naturally gravitate towards nowadays happen to be less popular? Or is it more that your perception of the response has changed?

Tobias 1115~2Y

Well, I finally did push through the reluctance to post some music to a new YouTube channel!!

I suppose there are many factors that contribute to avoiding sharing things these days, but maybe the biggest is just getting older? Seems most people just lose their youthful enthusiasm the more they experience of the world, or of pain, and I've definitely had a bunch of negative experiences that have all built up to make me into some bitter recluse. Hopefully I won't be in an even darker place a decade from now, though.

MontyCallay101~2Y

That's great, I always love listening to your music! Even if there's not that large of a response (which, right now, is probably more likely than not) that's an aspect of your work, for instance, which has always been received overwhelmingly positively by those who have taken interest.

Still, your enthusiasm is what makes you and a lot of your creations so compelling, so it would be a shame if you were to lose it entirely! A lot of your creativity seems to arise out of your enthusiasm for some concept or other. I wonder if part of the change for you is that you're confronted with a lot less novelty these days - the period of your life when you were having good experiences at university seems almost manic in comparison, when you'd be writing excitedly almost every week about some new concept or other.

Not wanting to be in a darker place is a good resolution, though!! I second that wholeheartedly. May you find yourself in brighter places!

Tobias 1115~2Y

Getting older but not reaching a point of stability is surely the biggest factor for any loss of enthusiasm. When I went to uni, I felt I'd finally got my life on track at last. I had real-world friends I'd see every day, places I'd have to go! A direction! Then I found out I had brain cancer, couldn't do a Master's at the time, and got back into games dev... which brought with it all the struggle I'd been trying to escape in the first place.

Now I'm almost 35, earning a pittance, and most of my thoughts are devoted to the uncertain struggle of ever getting this to work out, but the idea of a very first 'normal job' at this age sounds maybe even worse (it'd be a different story if I'd started on the employment path in my teens like most people do).

Plus the only way I'd have even a slight chance of making a living from games dev requires me to essentially enter back into the 'abusive relationship' of dealing with (a small but vocal segment of) critical or deranged 'fans', which I'd prefer to avoid entirely.

And it's harder and harder to connect with other people the older you get. I've seen posts on Reddit recently bemoaning the lack of a 'third place' alongside home and work where people can go just to find new friends, which is a good way of summarising something I've struggled with for a long time now.

I suppose the main difference is that back then, the future seemed hopeful, but now it just seems bleak and intimidating.

Now I'm almost 35, earning a pittance, and most of my thoughts are devoted to the uncertain struggle of ever getting this to work out, but the idea of a very first 'normal job' at this age sounds maybe even worse (it'd be a different story if I'd started on the employment path in my teens like most people do).

Plus the only way I'd have even a slight chance of making a living from games dev requires me to essentially enter back into the 'abusive relationship' of dealing with (a small but vocal segment of) critical or deranged 'fans', which I'd prefer to avoid entirely.

And it's harder and harder to connect with other people the older you get. I've seen posts on Reddit recently bemoaning the lack of a 'third place' alongside home and work where people can go just to find new friends, which is a good way of summarising something I've struggled with for a long time now.

I suppose the main difference is that back then, the future seemed hopeful, but now it just seems bleak and intimidating.

1 reply...

Maniafig222~2Y

I've always liked and tried replying to your game reviews! I find your perspective on games interesting, though we do usually seem to play different games!