PERSONAL

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3,400

Lost and Tired

8 years ago959 words

I'm not dead! Well, not yet, anyway. Though I have wished that I was several times over these past few weeks. Depression isn't a pleasant thing. I've been struggling with that, and my time's been consumed by academic work, but it's Easter now, and I've got three weeks where I should be able to relax a bit more. I want to get back into creative work, but I'm unsure what to do.

I've been wanting to update this blog for ages, and did start writing a few posts, but simply lacked the energy to actually finish and post any. It does help to write them, to share, but, well, the energy wasn't there. What little energy I could muster was poured into a series of university assignments that I wanted to do well, each of which required days of research. I struggled, though; I had to get an extension for one of them because I couldn't keep up, couldn't cope. They're done now, though. Finally.

It's... interesting, spending so much time and effort on something like an essay or assignment, knowing that only one or maybe two people will actually read it in the end. It's a big contrast between the amount of exposure and direct feedback my creative work has got in the past, and it makes me wonder whether it's 'worth it'... I mean, academics can spend months or years doing tedious research, which they publish in an academic journal, but it's only seen by a tiny number of researchers in the same field (if you're lucky). But is that fulfilling? Would it not leave me longing for more?

Close interpersonal relationships also require a lot of time and effort, though, and nobody but you and the other person really benefit from that. But that's worth it. And we can never really see from others' eyes anyway, so even if loads of people see and love our work, we can't directly experience that so it's almost as if it's not happening at all. Popularity doesn't make the work more fulfilling. It's all about being happy with what we do in ourselves... I'm unsure whether I am though. Whether this is the direction I want to head in.

But I do sadly feel like such thoughts are pointless anyway, as I've 'not much time left'; life's so empty, lonely, and unfulfilling that the assumption I'll never make it to middle-age is firmly rooted in my mind.

I've been trying to 'get help' for this, seeing counsellors, doctors, etc, but it's not as if they can make me have personal connections with other people. Perhaps you could say that they can 'heal' my mind to a point where I can comfortably meet other people, but I don't even know about that. We'll see where it goes.

I feel that I should put more effort into developing myself in my own way... Using this blog for its original intended purpose, to talk about ways to tame the mind instead of just ranting about the flaws in my own, for example. Perhaps over the next couple of weeks I'll give that some more thought. Writing about things I intend to try, and how they actually turn out, could be valuable to both me and others. I just need to find the energy to do that.

I wish I had the energy to do anything. I really do want to get back into creative work - make a game, maybe - but the ideas that appeal to me all feel like attempts to use my skills to fill the holes in my heart. I've been entertaining an idea for a game where you play as a student in a university with a hundred or so other randomly-generated students, who you can befriend and have relationships with over the course of an academic year; it'd revolve around not-too-complex AI written using what I know of psychology. Everyone would have their own lives and preferences, that kind of thing. A social simulation. I'm sure games like this exist already, but making one appeals to me more than simply finding one because of what I might learn in the process. And of course because I can tailor it to my particular preferences.

I don't know if I'll actually do that though. I miss being able to focus on making fantasy games, but I feel like that's got me nowhere, like it no longer brings me joy because I long for human connection and don't get that from them. I look at the work of other artists, and on some level can't understand what the purpose of such things are since they just seem like distractions from what's important. Why draw a picture of a tiger, or write a story about solving crime, or make a game where you solve block puzzles? Where does that get you? What does that achieve?

I suppose it's like (the somewhat dubious but metaphorically relevant) ∞ Maslow's hierarchy of needs ∞. If your basic needs aren't met, it's hard to focus on less 'essential' things. While I know there are starving, loveless artists who channel their pain into creativity, these days that pain is overwhelming to me, and anything that doesn't seem like it might one day help sate the starvation I feel for _love_ seems, well, pointless.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I want to write some more directed, coherent posts over the coming days, but I thought I should post something just to say where I am at the moment, and that I'm not dead!

Oh, and I'm aware that my dear father commented on my previous post. I'm not going to address that here. Maybe in another post.