Alora Fane

I'll be going out into the Real World to see people twice this week! Also CBC port, and UFO-related blog post reaction frustrations.

First, regarding stuff that for me counts as 'work', I spent a day or so last week converting the Windows Forms code I'd written for the AFC port (which was itself based on something I wrote for the MARDEK port years ago) for a CBC port, and I got CBC working with Animate, so now I have something I could technically upload to Steam.

This is unlikely to be how you'd choose to play it, but this is at the resolution the game was built at on my 2560x1080 monitor.

Like with the AFC and MARDEK ports, the point of the Windows Forms wrapper is to show the game centred and surrounded by black, at fixed resolutions that don't stretch pixels. The CBC wrapper offers the base resolution and a double resolution, which is almost fullscreen on a 1920x1080 display. Feels almost like an entirely different experience playing it in this more formally presented way!

I still need to sort out a way to manage cloud saves, though I seem to have got something working for the MARDEK port where basically the wrapper runs a check at timed intervals (5 minutes?) and copies over any relevant save files in the cookies directory into a more stable one that Steam stores in its cloud... or something. I'll need to refamiliarise myself with what exactly is going on there.

And I'll need to figure out a way to handle achievements too, which I can maybe actually do this time, unlike with the MARDEK port, since CBC is in AS3.

I should also replay the thing all the way through to make sure everything works.

Hopefully I'll be able to make progress with that - and mention it on Reddit - this week, but...

I have to go out of my cave TWO WHOLE TIMES this week, which is unusual.

Today (Monday), I'll be meeting up with one of my two remaining uni friends, who I get calls from every few weeks or so (though moreso recently), but who I haven't actually physically met up with in... what, almost two years now? It's been ages, anyway.

I'm at least mildly anxious about it, less so because of the meeting itself, and more because I'll have to get a bus, something I used to do without issue fairly regularly in the past, but it's been a while and I embarrassed myself a couple of previous times (dropped change on the floor one time, unintentionally paid with recently-phased-out banknotes another and the driver had to come to the top floor of the double-decker bus to tell me my money wasn't accepted), so... pfff.

Apparently I can pay either with an app or with a contactless card, but since I've never done that before, the social anxiety demons are constantly whispering about all the ways I could mess it up and make a complete fool of myself.

Basic things that 'normal people' that don't even think twice about, but for me with my issues become these tall hurdles I have to psyche myself up for.

Also, I saw the Occupational Therapist again last week. It was less frustrating than the first time, maybe, though I can't say that anything especially worthwhile came of it. And it'll be five weeks before our next appointment. I was hoping for something more regular, like weekly counselling sessions.

She did however put me in touch with some woman whose job it apparently is to help get people involved in 'the community'. Sounds like she'll just be suggesting some local groups and clubs I can try, because that's worked so wonderfully well in the past. I'll be curious to see whether she knows of anything that I couldn't have found myself, but even failing that at least I'll be getting out and interacting with some stranger, which is a big step out of the usual complete isolation.

(Though I wonder what kinds of dregs she's used to working with, and it's embarrassing that I'm included among them... Less-broken people don't need this kind of help.)

It sounds like it'll be a fairly informal meeting, and she suggested meeting up at a place in a nearby town. I've been to the town many times before, but never the specific place, so I suggested meeting up with my friend in that town so I can check out that place with her first so then I won't have to face too many scary, unfamiliar things at once when I meet this other person.

So many anxiety-managing behaviours like this that I wouldn't have to bother with if not for this poorly-tuned fire alarm in my brain, which goes off at the slightest hint of warmth...

But oh well. At least I'm doing things.

Means I'll probably only be able to focus on game dev stuff for three days of the week though.

Posts on this blog used to get around 1000 views - maybe more - though that's been steadily decreasing as the months pass by without significant output from me beyond this website. Recently posts have been getting about 300 views, if that.

∞ A post I wrote a few days ago about UFOs ∞ got an above average amount of views (1138 as I write this) and comments. I'm wondering if someone linked to it somewhere.

The whole damn thing just reminded me of Fig Hunter all over again, and how strong of a desire I have to not have that in my life at all. Everything turning into a damn debate. Putting logic and objectivity above all else and smugly scoffing at alternatives. Literal trolls.

I've thought a lot over the past few months and years about forming a new community somehow... I do miss some aspects of it, and I know being so distant on disengaged isn't doing me any good mentally. But I've just become too bitter from too many bad experiences and have no patience left for dealing with disagreeable strangers.

But is it possible to do the games dev thing while avoiding that? One of many things I've been wondering about a lot recently.

Something I'd love is a community where I could talk passionately about something and be met with similar passion, effectively increasing the enjoyment around it, before the prolonged moment runs its course and we can all walk away smiling. But do any online communities work that way? The vast majority of Reddit certainly doesn't.

I'd think real-world friendship groups might work that way, though my own experiences with those have been limited. The groups of nerdy guys I knew in school were probably very much like Fig Hunter, arguing about things constantly. The one-on-one relationships I've had with women since then have been mostly about shared venting, compassion, understanding. I greatly, greatly prefer the latter, personally.

But... I don't know. Maybe it's a terrible idea to vent about this here where I'm probably offending people for not gulping down their bile with a smile, and I'm likely to be attacked for it. I'll also probably vent about this to my friend, and it'll be interesting to compare the responses.

Oh, and nothing came of the UFOs thing after all; last I heard, the US had given up even searching for debris of the three 'objects' they shot down. I've seen a handful of 'hot takes' - that's how the kids talk, right?? - about how the whole thing was a distraction tactic to divert attention from the catastrophic chemical spill, or to inspire greater funding in the military, or whatever.

My reaction to that would have been to roll my eyes and say (out loud to the neglected exercise bike in the corner of my tiny room) "OH WELL!" before forgetting about it with pretty much no distress, though the reaction to that blog post colours it more with frustration that it otherwise would have been. Bleh.

...I probably should just stop writing about stuff like this altogether. Why do I write so openly about my life and feelings online, anyway? It doesn't seem to be what most people do.

11 COMMENTS

Comment awaiting approval

Maniafig222~2Y

It's been a while since I've played CBC, I look forward to replaying it when you rerelease it!

It's convenient that MARDEK and CBC already do have in-game achievements [medals and donuts], so at least it'll be easy to figure out what to make the achievements be once you get the system working.

You've mentioned the blog views here and there, but I'm curious whether that's just older posts accumulating more views over time? Are you counting total views, or something like "views within 7 days of blog being posted"? I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of your old blogs are still getting views here and there, hence why they seem to have more views.

I was wondering what was up with those unapproved comments, I figured they were likely trolls. Do you think they're regulars, or just random people who stumbled onto your blog?

I don't think it's possible to have a community that's quite like that, where you can talk about any subject you like and have people react passionately. It'd either need to be a specific community about that topic, which is certainly possible but it harder the larger the community becomes... Or you'd need to enforce a cult of personality where the community self-moderates out any dissent. The latter do exists, there's plenty of examples, but they're as totalitarian and unpleasant as they sound.

I think in general people don't assume any public community works like that, especially not if it's about any topic in general. That's typically what more personal relationships are for.

Personally I only expect that sort of thing from DMing with someone, and even then I know different people are better matches for specific topics than others. This person I can watch anime with, this person I can talk about these games with, this person I can talk about my private feelings with, etc.

I did think of the chemical spill thing myself, but you're right that it's most likely not a diversion. It would be annoying if it was! I talked somewhat extensively with someone for 10 minutes about the scope of how catastrophic and utterly preventable and unnecessary that spill was and how sluggishly turgid the media was with covering it.

It's been a while since I've played CBC, I look forward to replaying it when you rerelease it!

It's convenient that MARDEK and CBC already do have in-game achievements [medals and donuts], so at least it'll be easy to figure out what to make the achievements be once you get the system working.

You've mentioned the blog views here and there, but I'm curious whether that's just older posts accumulating more views over time? Are you counting total views, or something like "views within 7 days of blog being posted"? I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of your old blogs are still getting views here and there, hence why they seem to have more views.

I was wondering what was up with those unapproved comments, I figured they were likely trolls. Do you think they're regulars, or just random people who stumbled onto your blog?

I don't think it's possible to have a community that's quite like that, where you can talk about any subject you like and have people react passionately. It'd either need to be a specific community about that topic, which is certainly possible but it harder the larger the community becomes... Or you'd need to enforce a cult of personality where the community self-moderates out any dissent. The latter do exists, there's plenty of examples, but they're as totalitarian and unpleasant as they sound.

I think in general people don't assume any public community works like that, especially not if it's about any topic in general. That's typically what more personal relationships are for.

Personally I only expect that sort of thing from DMing with someone, and even then I know different people are better matches for specific topics than others. This person I can watch anime with, this person I can talk about these games with, this person I can talk about my private feelings with, etc.

I did think of the chemical spill thing myself, but you're right that it's most likely not a diversion. It would be annoying if it was! I talked somewhat extensively with someone for 10 minutes about the scope of how catastrophic and utterly preventable and unnecessary that spill was and how sluggishly turgid the media was with covering it.

Tobias 1115~2Y

I was thinking of just translating the achievements over directly (that is, adding equivalents to the doughnuts on Steam), but I'm not overly familar with the kinds of achievements people expect or want (I don't really care about earning them in any games myself), so any suggestions?

I only really consider the view counts from the first week, or maybe even the first couple of days, after posting. The old blog posts routinely got 1000+ views in this time, the newer ones often take days to get to 100. I'm grateful they're still even that high, but it's always a sobering reminder of how I really need to start putting stuff out there again (and how frustratingly long it takes to do that with games, and how hard it is to get noticed at the end anyway, and how it's all so different to the Flash days).

The trolls are mostly the same handful of people (not obvious I suppose if the unapproved comments don't show), who I'm assuming have been around for years maybe. I know at least one of them is a member of that delightful other MARDEK project thing.

It used to be that YouTube comments were generally regarded as the most toxic pits of scum around, but every time I see a (fairly popular) video's comment section these days it's wholly positive. I wonder if that's due to something behind the scenes (an algorithm, or some approving or whatever on the creator's part) which doesn't represent how the (usually hundreds of) comments are as a whole.

I only really consider the view counts from the first week, or maybe even the first couple of days, after posting. The old blog posts routinely got 1000+ views in this time, the newer ones often take days to get to 100. I'm grateful they're still even that high, but it's always a sobering reminder of how I really need to start putting stuff out there again (and how frustratingly long it takes to do that with games, and how hard it is to get noticed at the end anyway, and how it's all so different to the Flash days).

The trolls are mostly the same handful of people (not obvious I suppose if the unapproved comments don't show), who I'm assuming have been around for years maybe. I know at least one of them is a member of that delightful other MARDEK project thing.

It used to be that YouTube comments were generally regarded as the most toxic pits of scum around, but every time I see a (fairly popular) video's comment section these days it's wholly positive. I wonder if that's due to something behind the scenes (an algorithm, or some approving or whatever on the creator's part) which doesn't represent how the (usually hundreds of) comments are as a whole.

kidupiscean37~2Y

How do you feel, currently, about taking up all the roles yourself: game developer, marketing/social media guy, community manager, and some other roles?

If you're presented with two options: taking up all the roles yourself, or taking up some of them and seeking other people to help you with the other roles:

Which option helps you finish your projects more quickly and/or with a better outcome?

Which option is easier for you ultimately?

Which option do you prefer?

*****

Separately:

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Tobias 1115~2Y

In a perfect world, I'd have found a friend earlier in life who was similar enough to me that we'd get along easily in a casual social setting first, but who had strengths in the areas I'm lacking so then we could work together professionally and mutually benefit from it.

Now, though, what exactly are my options for seeking other people to work with?

Would I seek out professionals and pay them? With what money? Those who'd work on the assurance that they might get money in the end are unlikely to have the level of skill to be of use (because if they did, they'd be charging for it).

Even if I did find someone willing to help for a percentage of the earnings or something, they'd likely have the sort of personality that's comfortable taking advantage of or manipulating others (why else would they have gone into marketing?), so why wouldn't they try to take advantage of me, skewing things heavily in their favour? Especially if they didn't already know me.

Similar (but not identical) issues arise with running a non-toxic community. The first two entries on the list you linked to mention relying on trusted others to manage stuff you don't want to. But where am I to find these people in the first place? I've talked about it with some people who've been following me for years, but some said they didn't want to, and with the others, I don't know well enough that they'd run the community in a way I'd be comfortable with.

It's all a bit like looking for a job and finding out that nobody will hire you unless you already have one, or something.

Now, though, what exactly are my options for seeking other people to work with?

Would I seek out professionals and pay them? With what money? Those who'd work on the assurance that they /might/ get money in the end are unlikely to have the level of skill to be of use (because if they did, they'd be charging for it).

Even if I did find someone willing to help for a percentage of the earnings or something, they'd likely have the sort of personality that's comfortable taking advantage of or manipulating others (why else would they have gone into marketing?), so why wouldn't they try to take advantage of me, skewing things heavily in their favour? Especially if they didn't already know me.

Similar (but not identical) issues arise with running a non-toxic community. The first two entries on the list you linked to mention relying on trusted others to manage stuff you don't want to. But where am I to find these people in the first place? I've talked about it with some people who've been following me for years, but some said they didn't want to, and with the others, I don't know well enough that they'd run the community in a way I'd be comfortable with.

It's all a bit like looking for a job and finding out that nobody will hire you unless you already have one, or something.

kidupiscean37~2Y

True, there are difficulties associated with different options, as mentioned in your reply. Inevitably all options will involve some give and take (if you do it all by yourself, it may take a longer time but you have greater control; if you hire others, they may be more professional but you have less control). Hope you can find an option that suits you the most in achieving your goals.

Falcon64~2Y

I do appreciate your openness, as it gives more insight into you and your work process—I imagine that if you weren't making these personal blog posts, any interest in your projects would just fizzle out completely. Though it is true that if you were to "make it big" it might end up being detrimental...

It is unreasonable to expect that everybody in any community—or friends' group, even!—would share *all* of your passions. Typically everyone in a community shares *some* passion, and might share other, related ones, but beyond that they're different people with different views. Your friends might be willing to earnestly interact with you and meet your views with understanding even if they personally disagree or it doesn't particularly interest them, but strangers on the internet typically would not. That said, in this particular case I wouldn't call them "literal trolls"—trolls *want* to make your life miserable, while I don't think any of the people who rebuked the UFO ideas had malicious intent. They just look at the world differently than you do.

I think any bigger community you'd want to run might benefit from you being an "absentee leader", so to speak. Many creators don't really interact with their Discord servers etc., instead leaving the running of them to a group of trusted moderators. You could only look at the content that interests you (say, an "art" channel), while ignoring all the vitriol in the rest of the server.

I do admit that I sometimes wonder whether I'm unwittingly being insensitive to you, seeing how I'm of the more rigidly-minded sort and have autism to boot... We're not friends, I suppose, but I do want you to find your happiness one day. And of course I wish to play more of your games, which can't happen if you're miserable!

It is unreasonable to expect that everybody in any community—or friends' group, even!—would share *all* of your passions. Typically everyone in a community shares *some* passion, and might share other, related ones, but beyond that they're different people with different views. Your friends might be willing to earnestly interact with you and meet your views with understanding even if they personally disagree or it doesn't particularly interest them, but strangers on the internet typically would not. That said, in this particular case I wouldn't call them "literal trolls"—trolls *want* to make your life miserable, while I don't think any of the people who rebuked the UFO ideas had malicious intent. They just look at the world differently than you do.

I think any bigger community you'd want to run might benefit from you being an "absentee leader", so to speak. Many creators don't really interact with their Discord servers etc., instead leaving the running of them to a group of trusted moderators. You could only look at the content that interests you (say, an "art" channel), while ignoring all the vitriol in the rest of the server.

I do admit that I sometimes wonder whether I'm unwittingly being insensitive to you, seeing how I'm of the more rigidly-minded sort and have autism to boot... We're not friends, I suppose, but I do want you to find your happiness one day. And of course I wish to play more of your games, which can't happen if you're miserable!

Tobias 1115~2Y

By 'literal trolls', I didn't mean all the people who replied, to be clear (I just checked my own post, and I wasn't clear in that). There are a couple of regular commenters who I'd say are obviously trolls who replied, though I usually don't approve their comments so you wouldn't be able to read them.

The issue with relying on moderators is that I'd have to find moderators first!

Some people are insensitive without meaning to be, others are insensitive on purpose and don't care if they cause harm. I appreciate most comments from the former, but few - if any - from the latter. You seem more like the former to me, for reasons you already mentioned (autism etc).