Alora Fane

I'm much older than I'd like. I met a friend, for the first time in almost two years! I also met someone who was supposed to help with my disconnection from society...

It was my birthday yesterday. 35. Nobody except my mum wished me a Happy Birthday, but that's nothing new.

When I made Clarence's Big Chance, I had the lovely protagonist be aged 35 because it seemed to me at the time an absurdly old age to be without having your life together. Someone in their twenties who's still not found their place in the world seemed more sympathetic, maybe - they'd still be considered young by pretty much everyone - but being 35, nearly middle-aged, and still not established plants you very firmly in the loser category.

Or at least that's how I saw it back then, in my early twenties. I still do see it that way for the most part - I definitely regard myself as a loser, and this isn't where I expected my life to be at this point at all - but it also rather sadly seems to be not as uncommon as I assumed it was back then.

Or maybe I just try to believe that for the sake of my already tattered wellbeing.

It's frustrating how much of how our life turns out is down to random chance. Luck of the draw, roll of the dice. Some people are fortunate enough to find a compatible partner who loves them back just by going about their ordinary business (school, work, etc), while others - like me - search many places and always come up empty (and it's not pickiness that's to blame when the only people you come across are decades older and married with children).

It's not like I've given up, though. I'm going through the whole getting-out-there process again, as I think I probably wrote about in whatever my previous post was. I did a couple of things towards that this week.

On Monday, I met up with a uni friend for the first time in almost two years. I've written about her on this blog before - I met so few people there, so I gave the ones I did meet a lot of mental focus - though maybe not in a while. She's one of two I met in the first week, but not the one I grew obsessively close to and who ghosted me in the end.

We met up for a day in a nearby seaside town which I've been to plenty of times. I planned to go on the bus, but I get a ton of mostly-subconscious anticipatory anxiety before anything that requires me to leave my cave and interact with other people, so in an attempt to calm that I decided to walk there, which I've done a few times in the past.

Not in years, though, and I'm terribly unfit these days. Took me about an hour, and I was exhausted by the end. Though not a bad kind of exhausted. I should make a habit of going for longer walks like that, as I used to many years ago.

My friend's a weirdo too. Not in the exact same ways that I am, but there are enough similarities in our struggles - and our psychologically-minded approach to trying to understand them - that we get along well.

We didn't do anything fancy, just walked around the seafront and talked. The most exciting thing we did was wander around a big supermarket looking for food to buy (I hoped to find ideas for diet-improving meals; instead I came home with a couple of boxes full of little cakes).

We talked a bit about some stuff that's been in the news lately (eg UFOs), but mostly just vented and replied supportively. Most of what she talks about is her current boyfriend, who sounds like a disaster of a person, which might bother me if I were attracted to her ("why him and not me??"), but I never have been, so mostly I just listen amicably while internally rolling my eyes at the patterns I see (young women choosing emotionally unavailable brutes as mates and complaining about how sweet he was once and/or is inside and how she can tame him to her nice guy friends).

The longest I'd been out in many, many months was maybe a couple of hours, but this time I was out for most of the day. And I survived with no disasters happening, which I'll add to the meagre pile of evidence to counter my demons' warnings.

All of the anxiety came before and after: anticipation about what could go wrong (regarding using a bus more than with her), and then little niggling thoughts about my social mistakes during the post-event rumination phase.

The anticipation was by far the worst, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately because it's always been a huge part of my anxiety that never seems to go away. I seem to absolutely dread being late, and as a result I show up to things ridiculously early. I mentioned this to my friend, who laughed and said I was the opposite of most people in that regard, as they'd say "I'll be there in 5 minutes" before they'd even got out of bed.

And I wonder if that rather casual approach to appointment times is the norm? Like they'd see a meetup time of, say, 12:00 as meaning 'show up somewhere between 12:00 and 12:30 maybe', whereas to me it's more like 'IF YOU'RE NOT THERE BY 12:00 YOU DIE!!!'.

I also wonder if my fears relating to it are because one time at school during my teens, I somehow got confused about the time of day, thinking it was lunchtime when it was actually a class time, so I wandered around with a sandwich wondering why the playground was so empty for about ten minutes before having a sudden realisation - and surge of panic - that I was mistaken. I arrived at the class, and opened the door to the teacher teaching, causing a disruption. All eyes turned to me, a couple of people snickered, and the teacher rather aggressively told me off in front of everyone.

But I suppose that only bothered me to the degree that it did because I already had social anxiety? Hmm.

(I wrote a post about it on Reddit to see if similarly-suffering people experienced this, but it got zero replies, so that's annoying.)

Anyway, I'm rambling.

The post-event rumination period is a key part of social anxiety too. Thinking about every little thing you did wrong. Cringing over memories of embarrassing social missteps seems to be a normal human thing (except maybe for the sociopathic?), though in people with social anxiety it's just maladaptively overtuned.

As I feel close to and comfortable with this friend, though, there wasn't much of that at all. I think there were a couple of awkward things I said, but I vaguely recalled them once, maybe, and can't even remember what they were anymore. So that's nice.

Overall, I felt so amazingly alive just from spending a few hours doing nothing of note with another person I like, in a way that felt like a long, rainy night had been replaced with a warm, sunny day.

And it's so frustrating because I know how isolation affects the brain neurochemically, and how just spending quality time with another human being has essentially drug-like effects. And how I know I need this so badly, I'm so starved, but how hard it is to find people who'd be compatible enough for this fulfilling kind of connection to even develop at all.

We at least decided to meet up more often, but she has several people in her life, while I don't. I suggested to my other remaining uni friend that we could meet up, but haven't got a reply since then, and I strongly suspect - based on our last interaction and what I know of her - that it's because she's both not interested and afraid of turning me down.

I'd absolutely love to find new connections, but that's the big problem. The people I'd get along with best are all hiding in their bedrooms.

I saw that friend on Monday. On Wednesday, I went out again (wow!!!), this time to see some professional woman who the occupational therapist had referred me to, whose job (the title of which I forget; something like 'Community Navigator'?) was to... help people get more involved with 'the community', whatever that even means.

I went there expecting her to give me a list of groups and clubs in the area, and we'd work through them and see which ones I was willing to attend.

Instead, much of our hour-long talk was about what her job even is (it's still not exactly clear to me), and my specific issues. She seemed to get the point - after hearing about all the trauma, isolation, cancer, etc - that maybe I should go and see an actual mental health person instead of these people who mostly just help the elderly go to the bingo club or whatever.

The interaction wasn't without value. The arduous journey of getting there involved paying for a bus, which I'd always done with change before, so this time I wanted to use an app. The first time was a bit awkward, but not nearly as bad as the neurotic anticipation made it out to bed. Now I can do that without worry in future. Good.

Just talking with another person helped, too, though not to the degree that it did with someone I already had an emotional connection with. I noticed that I had zero anxiety throughout our talk (some weird eye/focus-related stuff though, probably from focusing on something that wasn't at the distance of my computer monitor for a change). I also explicitly asked her if I came across as odd, since the context seemed less inappropriate than most, and she seemed genuine when she reassured me that I didn't seem any odder than most people.

(Though come to think of it, she did say "you're just socially awkward :)" or something, as if to reassure me, which isn't exactly the way this broken brain responded to it.)

It seems that my next step might be to go to something she described as a 'drop-in', which sounded like nothing I've ever heard of or been to before (her description broughto mind a convention with small tables for different creators or businesses?), where I can maybe make some progress towards finding counselling again. Which is where I was hoping my GP would refer me when I first reached out to them weeks ago. Annoying basically going around in circles like that, but it's not as if each step hasn't had some value. I'll be going to that next Thursday.

...Though I've also got some concerning lump that's been developing in my lower gum that I'm concerned could be an abscess. I haven't seen a dentist in years and have been meaning to for a long while now, so maybe that'll motivate me to make the push towards finally doing that. There are several dental things I probably need done.

Finding a dentist seems annoyingly difficult though, as there are a ton of options, but some offer treatment on the NHS ('free' government health service) while others are private. But I don't get why only some offer NHS services, and even then they cost something? I had brain surgery entirely for free, but can't get tooth care for free? I don't understand how any of it works. Plus a lot of them say they're not even taking on new patients, and I've heard that even once you do attempt to register, you can spend months on a waiting list before you actually see someone. So I have some things to figure out.

I didn't intend to ramble as much as I have about all this! I couldn't even be bothered writing this post at all at the start, but I suppose I got carried away because it really is valuable just to get this stuff out somewhere.

I'd hoped that even though I'd be busy on the Monday and Wednesday, I could at least use the Tuesday, Thursday and Friday to do stuff on the CBC port.

As it happened, though, I felt like the shift in my state of mind after meeting up with tha friend on the Monday was so profound that I couldn't concentrate on the Tuesday, then on the Thursday and Friday I just felt so exhausted from the drastic changes to my regular routine that I also couldn't concentrate! I suppose it'll take time to establish a balance, or something.

So I only did a bit. I played through the entirety of CBC in ported form, and it mostly works, except for tiny things like not accepting key presses after the end of the game.

I've been having some thoughts about how much I should or shouldn't tweak the port, but I'll write another post specifically about that in a few days.

9 COMMENTS

tharse1~2Y

I've been where you are, and, well, I've only gotten so much further ahead due to dumb luck. The world itself is a far more complicated place to be in than it was a long time ago, and getting ahead and moving on in life all too often is a result of being at the right place at the right time.

I spent most of my life in an anxiety-ridden state, unable to do much until a few chance encounters got me out of that dark pit. It is true that many more than usual are having a hard time progressing in life and hitting the usual checkboxes, but with the advent of the internet and many other things, socialization doesn't work anywhere near the same it once did even fifteen years ago.

The most important personality trait in getting through times like these is perseverance, keeping yourself together when all seems lost. There are many like-minded people to yourself, as you've said, but they do indeed keep to their bedrooms, as it were -- you might have more luck looking around online communities at first, rather than trying to meet people in person. Those more inclined to do things outside will tend to be extroverted, while introverts typically prefer an environment that they can disengage from at a moment's notice.

I've been a fan of your work for... Close to twenty years, now? It is amazing, how time flies.

Despite all that's happened, I'm glad to see that you're still around.

I spent most of my life in an anxiety-ridden state, unable to do much until a few chance encounters got me out of that dark pit. It is true that many more than usual are having a hard time progressing in life and hitting the usual checkboxes, but with the advent of the internet and many other things, socialization doesn't work anywhere near the same it once did even fifteen years ago.

The most important personality trait in getting through times like these is perseverance, keeping yourself together when all seems lost. There are many like-minded people to yourself, as you've said, but they do indeed keep to their bedrooms, as it were -- you might have more luck looking around online communities at first, rather than trying to meet people in person. Those more inclined to do things outside will tend to be extroverted, while introverts typically prefer an environment that they can disengage from at a moment's notice.

I've been a fan of your work for... Close to twenty years, now? It is amazing, how time flies.

Despite all that's happened, I'm glad to see that you're still around.

PierceWickstorm29~2Y

Sorry I didn't say happy birthday earlier. My computers been on the fritz for a week now.

I agree with tharse, I am also glad you're around. You've been toughing it out with everything you deal with. You're stronger than you realize, and I hold you in the highest respects.

Mgvitale894~2Y

Hi, my name is Martín, I am a big fan of your game Mardek, which I believe is quite a masterpiece. First time i played that game was some... Ten years ago? Back on the old Kongregate site. Some few days ago I bought the Steam version and tried to visit the Fig Hunters website, stumbling into your blog.
Although it's quite sad yo find out about your suffering, I think that writing it down might be actually great for you. And, besides, I believe you are really making a lot of progress; maybe more than you can actually realize about.
I'm from Argentina, quite the other side of the world; and casually happen to be a mental health worker. I agree with what tharse says: living in this world and abyding to the social standards is way harder than what is commonly believed. Our culture, the media, everybody just makes it appear so easy... But It is not.
I've counseled many people with similar struggles, which, when things don't go well, are sometimes almost as frustrating to us healthcare workers than to our patients. I, too, suffer from some personal struggles as well, and firmly believe that counselling may help me understand my own sufferings as well as the other's.
Besides that part of life (the struggles), you might also as well be some kind of genius (your creations give evidence of that!) and, over all things, you create pieces of art which give long lasting moments of joy to all of us who are completely unable to create anything!
I sincerely hope you keep progressing, getting better and happier. It is alright not yo have your life "tied up"; actually, it's just bullshit to think anyone should have It. At this age, or any age.
We just do what we can. And try our best.
Love this blog, thank you! Happy birthday!

original24~2Y

Good sport. You'll get extra 50 xp when you make a habit of interacting socially every day. Optionally you could pick up some volunteering or part-time job for a while. Maybe some older people in your area are in the need of some trivial housework or companionship that you could provide. Quite a lot of older people have time to spare and would gladly have you train your social skills on them.

You say you look for a romantic partner, but you are unlucky in the search, while other people aren't. I bet that you know that it's true, yet unproductive line of thinking. If you were lucky, there wouldn't even be you, but someone else. (And putting blame on the indifferent nature is only worth it if you can be entertaining enough doing it - cursing rain as the damned tears of oversensitive gods, etc.)

You say you're socially anxious and unfit, that certainly makes you unattractive to the female gaze and on top of that gives you few opportunities to cast your net. Since at 35 you can't do basic socializing that 15 year olds do, you likely have a lot of bad social habits and hold some sort of non-social identity in addition to your social anxiety. I'd bet that your home also allows you to isolate yourself a little too well. Have you tried to acquire guidance of some well-reputed therapists of social anxiety? It sounds from your posts like you've tried some things already and could try something better to help you plan your battle to break you out of your shell. If you find some decent advisor, consider inviting also your close family to them (if you are on speaking terms with them) so you can plot together on your betterment. Once you're with healthier identity, habits and greater competence, love and other good things in life will be more achievable.

And why the people you'd get along with best are all hiding in their bedrooms? That sounds a little contradictory. You'd get along interacting with hikikomoris?

And happy Sunday.

You say you look for a romantic partner, but you are unlucky in the search, while other people aren't. I bet that you know that it's true, yet unproductive line of thinking. If you were lucky, there wouldn't even be you, but someone else. (And putting blame on the indifferent nature is only worth it if you can be entertaining enough doing it - cursing rain as the damned tears of oversensitive gods, etc.)

You say you're socially anxious and unfit, that certainly makes you unattractive to the female gaze and on top of that gives you few opportunities to cast your net. Since at 35 you can't do basic socializing that 15 year olds do, you likely have a lot of bad social habits and hold some sort of non-social identity in addition to your social anxiety. I'd bet that your home also allows you to isolate yourself a little too well. Have you tried to acquire guidance of some well-reputed therapists of social anxiety? It sounds from your posts like you've tried some things already and could try something better to help you plan your battle to break you out of your shell. If you find some decent advisor, consider inviting also your close family to them (if you are on speaking terms with them) so you can plot together on your betterment. Once you're with healthier identity, habits and greater competence, love and other good things in life will be more achievable.

And why the people you'd get along with best are all hiding in their bedrooms? That sounds a little contradictory. You'd get along interacting with hikikomoris?

And happy Sunday.

Tobias 1115~2Y

What did you read in this post that suggested that my issues are due to being unable to social things that 15 year olds can do?

And yes, I would get along better with people who can relate to my experiences rather than people who'd mock or patronise me for them and tell me how I could and should become 'normal' like they are. I get nothing out of talking to people I have nothing meaningful in common with for the sake of it, and the groups and clubs I tried going to in the past being full of the elderly is why the whole experience was fruitless.

I'm aware of the psychology behind mate selection and know I fall short, but that's not even the main issue. It's not as if women are turning me down. It's that I don't know of anywhere I can go where I could even potentially find someone I'd be compatible with, in the long term.

original24~2Y

I see that I offended you comparing you to a teenager. Apologies for bluntness. As far as I see in your post your major social inability is emotions management. It goes well beyond social skills, but is also part of them. As for your social skills outside of that, I'd wager that they are lacking in several places as you tend to isolate yourself, but I couldn't pinpoint that places just using what you wrote here.

I imagine that two people isolating themselves because of social anxiety would have hard time to converse as they both would have an aversion to make contact. In my mind relatability of those two people wouldn't typically outweigh this extra barrier, but that's just my intuition.

It sounds like you are quite selective of who would you like to associate yourself with. Is that result of you having specific, uncommon interests? Would you say that you have little meaningful in common with most of the people?

Who would be a woman that would be compatible with you long term? What would be her traits?

I imagine that two people isolating themselves because of social anxiety would have hard time to converse as they both would have an aversion to make contact. In my mind relatability of those two people wouldn't typically outweigh this extra barrier, but that's just my intuition.

It sounds like you are quite selective of who would you like to associate yourself with. Is that result of you having specific, uncommon interests? Would you say that you have little meaningful in common with most of the people?

Who would be a woman that would be compatible with you long term? What would be her traits?

Tobias 1115~2Y

Where are you getting the idea that my "major social inability is emotions management"? That's not accurate. I'm lonely because I don't encounter potentially compatible people at all. Where would I?

Also, I was severely neglected and bullied as a child. In my early twenties, I ran a community of thousands of people, many of whom were less than tactful and some had Dark Triad traits, and I still bear the trauma from that. I've spent most of my adult life isolated because I've been focusing on solo games dev and because my attempts to find other people have been mostly fruitless. I had brain surgery for brain cancer. These are all relevant factors.

On the rare occasions I have encountered people I click with in situations where it's appropriate to make contact and they're receptive to it, I've been able to develop close connections quickly without issue. But those situations are few and far between.

I'm selective of who I want to spend time with because enduring years of advice from people - both well-intentioned and otherwise - for how I can and should 'fix' myself made me completely fed up with it. Wouldn't we all prefer to people who look across to us rather than down on us?

Here's a comparison (though how you interpret it would depend on your views, I suppose): do you think a trans person would prefer to associate with other trans people, or with people who'd tell them that pronouns are nonsense and that they're mentally ill?

One of the many things that I learned about while getting my Psychology degree (that is, it was taught from textbooks) is that data shows that people are attracted to similarity above all else. I would prefer a partner roughly similar to me. I could give a much more in-depth answer to this but this reply is long enough.

Where are you getting the idea that my "major social inability is emotions management"? That's not accurate. I'm lonely because I don't encounter potentially compatible people at all. Where would I?

Also, I was severely neglected and bullied as a child. In my early twenties, I ran a community of thousands of people, many of whom were less than tactful and some had Dark Triad traits, and I still bear the trauma from that. I've spent most of my adult life isolated because I've been focusing on solo games dev and because my attempts to find other people have been mostly fruitless. I had brain surgery for brain cancer. These are all relevant factors.

On the rare occasions I have encountered people I click with in situations where it's appropriate to make contact and they're receptive to it, I've been able to develop close connections quickly without issue. But those situations are few and far between.

I'm selective of who I want to spend time with because enduring years of /advice/ from people - both well-intentioned and otherwise - for how I can and should 'fix' myself made me completely fed up with it. Wouldn't we all prefer to people who look across to us rather than down on us?

Here's a comparison (though how you interpret it would depend on your views, I suppose): do you think a trans person would prefer to associate with other trans people, or with people who'd tell them that pronouns are nonsense and that they're mentally ill?

One of the many things that I learned about while getting my Psychology degree (that is, it was taught from textbooks) is that data shows that people are attracted to /similarity/ above all else. I would prefer a partner roughly similar to me. I could give a much more in-depth answer to this but this reply is long enough.

original24~2Y

If you say that you are adequate at managing your emotions, then I won't argue, you know yourself best. 'I'll list factors that made me make the claim against it only out of respect for your questions - they were your poor physical fitness, social anxiety past and present, frustration due to lack of luck, other minor things you wrote and my own knowledge and intuition. You mention lots of traumas in your last reply - I'd consider them factors too (they could potentially lower the emotion management ability).

I understand now that you are highly allergic to (at least some type of) advice. I personally rather like receiving advice (for reasons you likely don't care about), but I understand that people typically aren't wired to like it too much.

As for trans person preferences, they'd rather associate themselves with other trans people, but your metaphor seems to be a false dichotomy to me. Ignoring that, I understand that metaphor like that: you would prefer to mingle with people closely similar to you, perhaps down to self-isolation, because other people you associate with negative things (like advice or looking down on you).

Good luck Tobias, maybe it will be concentrated in your other half of life.

I understand now that you are highly allergic to (at least some type of) advice. I personally rather like receiving advice (for reasons you likely don't care about), but I understand that people typically aren't wired to like it too much.

As for trans person preferences, they'd rather associate themselves with other trans people, but your metaphor seems to be a false dichotomy to me. Ignoring that, I understand that metaphor like that:  you would prefer to mingle with people closely similar to you, perhaps down to self-isolation, because other people you associate with negative things (like advice or looking down on you).

Good luck Tobias, maybe it will be concentrated in your other half of life.

Slothboy2531~2Y

It's great that you're taking steps to get out there and meet new people, such as meeting up with a uni friend and trying to go out more often. Everyone's path in life is unique, and there's no one "right" way to live. You may feel like you're behind in some areas, but it's never too late to make changes and pursue your goals. Focus on the positive steps you're taking and celebrate your successes along the way.

Have you tried asking your GP about getting something like CBT for social anxiety?